A 3-Pack Always Beats a Single When Dining Out With Kids
With child free couples you know where you stand. They try really hard to hide their annoyance with you, but nevertheless it's there on their faces, that "Ugh, why do people take kids to public places?" look.
Couples with one child simply look at you and ask with their eyes "Why can't you control your children? Look at our perfect child. What's so hard about it?"
Please, couples with one child, don't be offended, but if you have one child you just don't know what the rest of us know: Children grow stronger in numbers. It's just a good thing they don't know that or there would be many a coup brewing.
It was with that knowledge I took my little guerillas to a local barbecue joint after a Sunday drive. By nature, (what nature I don't know) barbecue joints are noisy, so usually a safe place to dine with three rambunctious boys. They were at their best before we even sat at the table. Jake and Chase were arguing over what flavor combinations to add to their shared "suicide" drink--a mixture of all the drinks from the fountain in varying amounts. Sebastian started clanging the little wooden pig the restaurant gave us that marked our order number. Between sloppy bites of pulled pork patrons gave us their best barbecue-covered looks of disdain.
Sebastian clanged some more.
Then a couple wearing matching athletic gear and carrying the most delicate baby boy walked in and sat nearby. Couples with babies have a magnetism to other couples with babies because you assume that family will understand if your baby suddenly and inexplicably melts down in a volcanic tantrum of poo, vomit and crying. When that happens you smile broadly at the family whose kids are dormant at the moment, in that way that says "You know how it goes, we've all been there." Then you brush the chunks off your pants like it happens everyday-- because it probably does-- and shrug as you collect your things and try to leave slowly and un-panicky like.
But this couple hasn't experienced that. In fact I don't think the baby they had has ever pooped or vomited. In fact, I'm pretty sure that baby just glows and floats in mid-air all cherub-like and never ever makes fake retching sounds just because he thinks its funny to see his parents scramble thinking he's going to throw up.
The smiling couple looked over at us and smiled. The baby glowed and hovered. And Sebastian turned to them held up the wooden pig and growled "Grrrrrraaaaggggggghhhhh! with his face screwed up in a snarl. I swear a piece of pork fell from that baby's mouth and hit the spotless floor beneath their table. Needless to say the smile disappeared from their faces as Sebastian growled ever loudly at them hurling some sort of garbled language and thrusting the pig in the air at them like he was channeling an ancient pygmy chief.
After that the couple turned to each other and spoke in hushed whispers and quietly fed their dainty baby barbecue WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO USE A NAPKIN!!
Luckily our food came quickly. Though Sebastian growled loudly throughout and the boys never stopped fighting over their soda. When the meal was done our table was a wreck, and the boys wrestled to get out of the restaurant. We did the only thing responsible parents could do at that point. Ron looked at me then at the mess on the table. I nodded pulled out my wallet and handed Ron a wad of cash. He dropped it onto the table without even counting it before we walked out.