Editor’s Pick
MAY 19, 2010 10:43AM
A 3-Pack Always Beats a Single When Dining Out With Kids
With child free couples you know where you stand. They try really hard to hide their annoyance with you, but nevertheless it's there on their faces, that "Ugh, why do people take kids to public places?" look.
Couples with one child simply look at you and ask with their eyes "Why can't you control your children? Look at our perfect child. What's so hard about it?"
Please, couples with one child, don't be offended, but if you have one child you just don't know what the rest of us know: Children grow stronger in numbers. It's just a good thing they don't know that or there would be many a coup brewing.
It was with that knowledge I took my little guerillas to a local barbecue joint after a Sunday drive. By nature, (what nature I don't know) barbecue joints are noisy, so usually a safe place to dine with three rambunctious boys. They were at their best before we even sat at the table. Jake and Chase were arguing over what flavor combinations to add to their shared "suicide" drink--a mixture of all the drinks from the fountain in varying amounts. Sebastian started clanging the little wooden pig the restaurant gave us that marked our order number. Between sloppy bites of pulled pork patrons gave us their best barbecue-covered looks of disdain.
Sebastian clanged some more.
Then a couple wearing matching athletic gear and carrying the most delicate baby boy walked in and sat nearby. Couples with babies have a magnetism to other couples with babies because you assume that family will understand if your baby suddenly and inexplicably melts down in a volcanic tantrum of poo, vomit and crying. When that happens you smile broadly at the family whose kids are dormant at the moment, in that way that says "You know how it goes, we've all been there." Then you brush the chunks off your pants like it happens everyday-- because it probably does-- and shrug as you collect your things and try to leave slowly and un-panicky like.
But this couple hasn't experienced that. In fact I don't think the baby they had has ever pooped or vomited. In fact, I'm pretty sure that baby just glows and floats in mid-air all cherub-like and never ever makes fake retching sounds just because he thinks its funny to see his parents scramble thinking he's going to throw up.
The smiling couple looked over at us and smiled. The baby glowed and hovered. And Sebastian turned to them held up the wooden pig and growled "Grrrrrraaaaggggggghhhhh! with his face screwed up in a snarl. I swear a piece of pork fell from that baby's mouth and hit the spotless floor beneath their table. Needless to say the smile disappeared from their faces as Sebastian growled ever loudly at them hurling some sort of garbled language and thrusting the pig in the air at them like he was channeling an ancient pygmy chief.
After that the couple turned to each other and spoke in hushed whispers and quietly fed their dainty baby barbecue WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO USE A NAPKIN!!
Luckily our food came quickly. Though Sebastian growled loudly throughout and the boys never stopped fighting over their soda. When the meal was done our table was a wreck, and the boys wrestled to get out of the restaurant. We did the only thing responsible parents could do at that point. Ron looked at me then at the mess on the table. I nodded pulled out my wallet and handed Ron a wad of cash. He dropped it onto the table without even counting it before we walked out.
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Comments
A friendly suggestion that you might want to change "childless" to "childfree", to differentiate between those who have no children by choice and those who are not able to have children. Childless couples may actually be wishing they were in your shoes.
Also, I'm sad to see that the war has expanded from childfree families versus families with children to one-child versus families multiple-child families. I'm having a hard time keeping up!
Jeanette I agree there are people who are child free. I totally support that option. I think it's wonderful that people recognize that is an option and don't feel pressured to have children because that's the norm. I also understand a lot of couples would gladly put up with the rigors of parenting--I have two sisters who would gladly trade places with me.
But if you can't laugh at the situations life puts you in with a bit of good-nature and sarcasm, then it's harder to handle sometimes. If I was child free or had one child I'd probably be sarcastically making fun of the fact I was having a hard time dining near someone with three kids. Makes no difference to me. Life is funny.
"Couples with one child simply look at you and ask with their eyes "Why can't you control your children? Look at our perfect child. What's so hard about it?"
Please, couples with one child, don't be offended, but if you have one child you just don't know what the rest of us know: Children grow stronger in numbers. It's just a good thing they don't know that or there would be many a coup brewing."
In other words: "Our multi-child family is so much better than yours that you're not even able to comprehend how much better it is."
Maybe not so much elitist, as smug and divisive? I mean, I like the story in general, but there's an "us v. the others" tone in there that's too prevalent in America.
Believe me, I'm not saying our family is better, or even that simply having a family is better. It's just extremely rough. It's more of an explanation on behalf of anyone with lots of children as to why we seem so chaotic and out of control.
And yes, you are right there is a lot of us v. them in that article and it is prevalent in America right now. Really just meant it to be a slice of life thing. But as a veteran journalist I know from experience whether you are biased or try super hard to be unbiased someone always takes you the wrong way.
withe one child, you have double coverage
with two, man to man
with three, you are in zone defense
with four, a loose zone
with five, you are headed towards prevent territory
although in the end, whether the choice is zero to large, if you don't ask anyone for help ever, it is none of anyone else's business, although, Luttwak has argued the West is weaker militarily because of small families, because the loss is so much bigger, of course, maximized in the case of a single child in war.
I always feel sort of left out confronting large noisy broods at restaurants, and looking at those stupid family stickers on the backs of their cars - you know the ones, Mom, Dad, and little sillouette kids for each of their progeny. We don't have an only child by choice, and my guess is neither do a lot of the parents you meet out and about. The grass always looks greener, I guess.
Very funny, and not a bit elitist . . . just funny and well-observed. The words "lighten up" come to mind.
As you've stated, the amount of noise and chaos seems to increase exponentially with the number of children. I know this both through observation (it can be quite entertaining to watch families at the next table while waiting for your order) and from my long-ago experience as a sitter.
Most parents manage to maintain a reasonable amount of control over their herd (whatever the size). Once in a while, I do encounter children who are simply out of control. These are the ones whose parents seem unwilling or unable to teach their offspring the niceties of polite behavior. (Play with your toy truck at the table; but don't run it over my foot!)
One reason I'm without children is that I've realized the immense amount of endurance, patience and endless repetition involved in properly raising the little rascals!
Great article, quite funny. The soda concoction is horrifying and so very believable. Rated.
Good stuff coming from someone with a family featuring 1 child only. :) Our daughter is now 2 and half and she really is a dream based on our own experience and feedback that we get from daycare, family, and friends.
When the conversation of having another child came up one of the arguments against was actually based on odds that we were practically guaranteed a "hellion" since our first has been so smooth and easy up to this point.
Ultimately, we decided against another child, not because it would be harder, but because of the risk associated with my having a genetic eye condition that can be passed on to children.
Anyway, great read. I can totally understand your perspective and it's a really funny read too. :)
There wasn't a hint of elitism in this article by the way, just a funny little quip about life. I'm guessing that person doesn't smile nearly as often as their name might lead you to believe.
Rated.
Yes, they do get stronger in numbers. They are like wolves, they are scarier in packs. But even packs of wolves mind the alpha when she asserts herself. The trick to keeping kids behaving decently, no matter what the number, is letting them know that you see everything, and won't hesitate to drop the dime when one steps out of line.
Note that I said "decently" because kids are rarely perfect. Especially not when there is the excitement of soda fountains and pig product about..... ;)
I get the feeling that you're a little sensitive about your kids or something and you're lashing out at single-child families because you perceive that they feel superior. But in doing so, you seem to be acting superior yourself.
Maybe this was intended to be ironic and the irony fell flat.
I have two kids now, but when we just had our first I can tell you he was plenty wild and crazy and we were nothing like the stereotypical one-child family you are painting.
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There's nothing funny about trashing a restaurant - or any place of business.
You can imagine!
Great story. Rated for the fake retching sounds. Which happened in my house just yesterday. Somehow a 12-year-old boy can't just say "the dog farted" without having to audition for the Academy Award in the process...
What remains remarkable is the lack of support among parents for each other.
I am an only child, and now that my kids are grown, I don't have to live through the horrors you've described anymore. I do make a point to go over to tables where parents and there well behaved children are and compliment the parents on an almost impossible task. Then I say to youngest, even if the youngest is an infant, "Don't let them stick you with the check."
This is a hilarious glimpse of the realities of what it can be like. I remember that when my fifth niece was born, my brother-in-law really started to get nervous because they were so overwhelmed. It is a great deal to handle when you have five young children and take them out in public. Four is always much more manageable because at least each parent has two children each--one child per hand to hold.
The fifth child can really wreak havoc with the delicate balance of power. :) That's when aunts, uncles and grandparents are much needed. Someone has to hold those extra hands.
My brother-in-law always asks the wait staff if they would prefer that they clean up the mess at the table or if he should leave a huge tip. The huge tip is chosen nearly every time. :)
V