stan sinberg

stan sinberg
San Francisco, California, USA
February 25
Stan Sinberg did the popular "Take a Stan" commentary on KFOG for several years. He also writes for MAD magazine, and the dearly-departed gonzo supermarket tabloid, Weekly World News.

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FEBRUARY 5, 2013 3:49PM

Buck Up, 49er Fans: "Your" Team Didn't Lose the Super Bowl

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Hey, 49ers fans: I know you’re devastated that the team lost, especially when they almost pulled it out with a great comeback. But take consolation that you weren’t one of the real losers.

You know who should feel bad right now? The person who they find out was responsible for the lights going out in the stadium during the third quarter. Because in the future, what people will remember about this game, more than who won (and certainly who lost) is that it was the “Blackout Bowl.” When they learn who caused it, that guy won’t be able to get another job within 500 feet of a light bulb. Which, when you think about it, doesn’t leave a lot of options.

And Alex Smith, he should feel bad.  You don’t know who he is? That’s exactly the point. When all is said and done, Colin Kaepernick (who holds the Super Bowl record for having his name spell-checked) took the Niners exactly one game further than they got last year when Smith helmed the team, and not even that, if you consider that Smith led them through most of this regular season. But since receiving a “one-game” injury, he’s been so forgotten that it’s rumored Super Bowl security asked him three times why he was sitting on the Niners bench.  Even when the team was down by 22 points, there wasn’t a single 49er’s fan chanting “Alex! Alex!”  to go in the game.  Yup. He should feel bad.

Also, the Harbaugh who coached the Niners, he should feel bad, because at every family gathering from now on, he’ll have to face his brother who coached the Ravens and will be all in his face about it, to the point where “49er Harbaugh” will yell, “Is it really necessary to bring the Super Bowl trophy to Thanksgiving dinner, you &%$#*?”

And, of course, the 49er players should feel bad, because, well, they lost the game, money, a ring, a parade, endorsements and whatnot.

But you, the fan? You shouldn’t feel bad. You did all you could, whether it was wearing a 49er jersey, or being one of those jerks who drove around town all week with two 10 foot flagpoles with large “49er” flags appended to their cars, as if proclaiming, “I’m a bigger 49er fan than you, a**hole….”  For all your fitful cheering, you didn’t have more control over the outcome than if you were watching a slasher movie flick in the cine-plex and started screaming at the promiscuous teen-age girl who had just slept with three guys and decided to descend alone into the dark basement to investigate what the mysterious noise was, “DON’T GO THERE!!!”

Really. Your influence was exactly the same.

And when you woke up today, you still had the exact same job at the exact same money, and unless your relationship was based on something very, very weird – the same partner. So you’re no worse (or better) off than if they’d won.

So be comforted. Also, unlike some of the players, you’ll be back next year. 

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So this is the team who lost - but who were they bowling against?
Ha! I thought you were going to point out that the fans who say "My Team" when they couldn't even get in to yell Hi to the ball boy need to quit using the possessive.
You're right, "Just Phyllis." It's implied, but it's not actually in here. But if "you" were part of the team "we" - news flash! - they would GIVE you a uniform instead of making you pay exorbitant prices for one, as well as all the other merchandise, and would let you into the stadium for free, too.
I don't have any worries. MY TEAM WON! R
I don't feel bad. It was three points. Beyonce knocked the lights out. It was a good game.