OK...I am sure I’m going to offend a few people with this one, and I’m sincerely sorry if you are one of them...but here goes.

I recently flew from Vancouver B.C. to Los Angeles.  It was a smallish plane--two rows consisting of three seats each separated by a narrow aisle.  They had oversold the flight (I’m still not sure how it is that airlines can get away with that) and although we had bought our tickets several weeks in advance, my family ended up in seats scattered all about the plane.  Here I should mention that while my kids are more independent now and don’t really need me right next to them all the time, I still have a touch of separation anxiety.  I would at least like to be able to see them, if I can’t sit next to them.

“Don’t worry,” the woman at the check in desk told me when I informed her of our situation.  “You all have aisle seats.  They are ‘highly tradable’ and you should have no trouble getting someone to swap places.”

When we boarded however, I saw that my “highly tradable” seat was no doubt the least desirable seat on the plane.  Yes, I had an aisle, but the person in the center seat in my row was a very large man.  He probably weighed about 450 lbs.  He took up his own seat, part of the window seat, and of course, part of my no longer tradable aisle seat.  And it was not as if he did not realize it.  He had both hands on the headrest of the seat in front of him, no doubt in an effort to keep some portion of himself from infringing on what was left of the air space designated for me and the other passenger who was already seated, pressed like a sardine into the window.

I did not attempt to get someone to trade seats with me.  I was pretty sure nobody would want to, and also, I was concerned that it would hurt this man’s feelings.  Surely he’d assume it was due to his size and not because I wanted to sit closer to my kids.  The only chance I had was if he would be willing to trade with one of them.  I hoped that the fact that they all had “highly tradable” aisle seats might entice him to do so.  I figured it might be more comfortable for him to be on the aisle than crammed between to women with his arms outstretched in front of him for four hours.

“My whole family is sitting in aisle seats in different rows.  I am so nervous when I can’t see my children,” I said, hoping that would give him the idea to switch seats.

“They’ll be fine,” he said without a blink.

I was stuck. Literally and figuratively.  Although the arm rest was down, his girth was definitely coming out underneath it and over it.  His arms, while still raised in front of him, were several inches into my airspace.  I was basically sitting underneath him and could not really stretch or get up without bumping into some part of him. I’m a bit claustrophobic and so I began trying to breath deeply and calm my building anxiety.  That’s when the man started to pass gas.

I have never smelled anything so revolting  and that’s saying a lot because I’ve changed many a diaper in my day.  Just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, he fell asleep.  His hands slid off of the headrest on the seat in front of him and came to rest on top of his very large belly.  His belly itself was resting on top of his very large thighs which in their relaxed state, were even more obtrusive from under the arm rest.  At this point he began to snore.  Even leaning as far toward the aisle as I could, closing my eyes, and plugging my nose would not save me.  His snoring was assaulting the last of my five senses.

There was simply no escape.  The seatbelt sign remained lit and as the flight attendants made their way past me on their seemingly endless trips up and down that aisle they said, “Watch your head,” and “Watch your arm.”  I’d look up at them as they passed, and my gaze was met with sympathetic eyes.  They’d all seen this situation before, I’m sure.  Many times over.  But, the flight was oversold, and there was simply nothing they would/could do.

I’m sure I must sound really callous.  It wasn’t too long ago when Kevin Smith made that giant stink about how Southwest told him he had to buy two seats.  At the time I felt like the airline was being insensitive.  But, now I am not so sure.  While I hate to make someone who is overweight feel bad, I also don’t think it’s fair for me to have to give up any portion of the space which I paid full price for.  In the end I just bit my tongue (and closed my eyes, and held my breath and put my noise canceling headphones on).  There truly was nothing that the crew could do to remedy the situation and I decided not to try and get any money refunded.  I did not think they’d do it first of all, and given that there have been times when I’ve had nobody at all seated next to me I figured over time it evens out.