Susan Mihalic

Susan Mihalic
August 05
Writer & editor. Passionate about freedom of expression. Liberal, aspiring to be pointy-headed. Follow me on Twitter: @susanmihalic.


Susan Mihalic's Links

AUGUST 30, 2010 8:13AM

Emails I Did Not Send You

Rate: 13 Flag

People can be shockingly gullible. Otherwise, why would anyone bother to assume the identity of a Nigerian cabinet minister’s widow who begs you to allow her to transfer several million dollars into your bank account because you—and you alone—are a person of integrity whom she can trust? 

Lately, there’s evidence that I’ve been spamming myself. Filtered into my junk mail are messages from my email account. Unless I was in an Ambien-induced sleep-emailing state, I’m pretty sure I didn’t send anyone, much less myself, messages with subject lines like “She Will Need a Yardstick to Measure Your Throbbing Love Shaft” or “Lindsay Lohan-John Boehner Sex Tape” (which, if such an unholy thing were to exist, would undoubtedly involve kinkiness with Cheetos, because how else do they get their skin that color?). 

I’m willing to bet that I didn’t send myself advertisements for Cialis, Viagra, ExtenZe, OxyContin, Vicodin, Valium, codeine, or discounted Rolexes. For the record, I am not a matchmaker for women from Thailand or Kyrgyzstan who are “Searching for Serious Relation.” I am not inviting you (or me) to “Chat with Me.” About what? The OxyContin I’m not selling or the Kyrgyzstani women I’m not pimping? If I want to chat with you, I’ll call you. If I want to chat with me, I’ll just talk to myself; I do it all the time, anyway, no email invitation needed. 

Also, I did not send the following emails: “Tricks to Get Laid” (for the record, I am not an advocate of trickery, particularly with the goal of getting laid), “Experience with Bigger Penis Today” (experience what? And whose experience is it?), “Your New Weapon Will Remove Her Undies” (dexterous), “Boost Your Loving Charge” or “Power in Your Pants” (both of which sound like batteries are involved) or “Feel Her Womb Entrance with New Length” (how speleological).

Pretty much anything that says “naked photos” did not come from me. Sorry to disappoint, but I do not have a stockpile of, nor am I emailing, any of the following: “Angelina Jolie Naked Photos,” “Paris Hilton Naked Photos,” “Megan Fox Naked Photos,” “Katy Perry Naked Photos,” or “Glenn Beck Naked Photos.” If I ever saw Glenn Beck naked photos, I would blind myself. 

I don’t know the “Secrets to Making Money from Home,” I have not put “Your Check in the Mail,” I do not have “Your Latest Statistics,” I am not offering “Free Shipping on All Orders,” I am not proposing “Our Meeting Tonight,” and, finally, I do not know how to “Take Control and Stop Your Dog from Barking,” because my dog is damned near perfect. 

It’s just weird to know that my email address has been hijacked, and that somewhere out there, it’s landing in the inbox of some dude who’s jonesing for OxyContin or a throbbing love shaft or a glimpse of Beck in the buff or maybe just a break on shipping charges. What’s weirder is that I’m receiving emails from my own hijacked address.

Oh, what a tangled interweb we weave, when spammers practice to deceive.

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Maybe it's an indication of my limited imagination, but I didn't make this stuff up. Well, maybe one or two of them. Even spammers aren't sick enough to lure you in with a Lindsay Lohan-John Boehner tryst.
one of the jobs that i had, everyone suddenly got deluged with email offers from everybodies email account. it was bad enough to bog the system down. i got about 30 a day and most during the day.

the problem was traced to a dockworker that was on site he souldn't have been looking at ads he shouldn't have been.

we ended up having to change domain names and emailing all of our contacts about the change.
"“She Will Need a Yardstick to Measure Your Throbbing Love Shaft”

Oh, you didn't send that to me? Uh, just ignore my response then!! ;D

Yeah, got to love the spams, and the spammer tricks, Spyware bots sending out their Krap using the email addy books of those who have been used, like a ten cent prostitute.

Now, I feel so used!!! Boohoohoo!!

*wanders off stage left in tears* :D
Oddly, to this day I'm spamming, myself and millions of others, from an email account I closed ten years ago. Although it violates my ethics, I continue the activity because I'm puffed up with pride over the fabulously huge income I bring in.

BTW, another oddity is that I've never discovered where I'm hiding all the money.
So you have an earthlink account too? :)

But not to fear. I have a neighbor who forwards every "be careful, the rapists have new tricks" emails to every person in his virtual address book.
wschanz, you make a good point--it would be worse if it were coming from my day job email domain. I can't imagine how horrified some of our clients would be.

Tink, no, I did send that to you! But it was a PM. Shh.

vonnia, I bet the Nigerian cabinet minister's widow has hacked your bank account and is draining away your profits.

Julie, I get those, too, from a couple of friends. If everyone were as alarmist as they are, we'd never find a parking place because if you park next to a van you can be abducted. We'd all just be endlessly circling the parking lot.
You are just unbearably witty, Susan. You make art out of irritation. Kudos.
Hilarious and true! I have spammed without knowing it...and I thought I was the only one, Tink! You are in love with Susan, too! Ah well...xox
Susan...very funny..had me laughing to start my day. I changed my email for this very reason..yes, we got the same ones and I am not sure why they want my penis to grow!???lol.
jane, thank you.

penny, well, if anyone could raise irritation to an art form, it would be me. Sigh.

Robin, thanks. With you and Tink in my corner, I can't go wrong.

kate, thank you. Probably even those who receive legitimate emails from me should proceed with caution.

cindy, glad to help ease you into a Monday!
Damn, I thought my womb entrance was private and now they can touch it!
nola, that particular subject line ("Feel Her Womb Entrance with New Length") sounds like they're undertaking an expedition. I have visions of Indiana Jones . . . lots of ropes and maybe some carabiners. Ow.
I'd think anyone woul d need help with their "throbbing love shafts" after seeing Glenn Beck Au Naturel. Or after thinking of Lindsay Lohan and John Boehner do their cheeto act. The Nigerian cabinet member's widow almost certaintly would need help with hers.

Just on another tack, am I the only person who sometimes confuses the drug oxycontin with the cleaning solution Oxyclean?

This deserves praise for simply attempting to spell "Kyrgyzstani." Of course, it's also funny as hell. The next time I receive an offer to lengthen my love stick (as if I had one!) I will definitely think of you.
Shiral, ohhh. That would explain why I felt all fizzy inside and my laundry was so out of it. Oops.

Lisa, thank you. I'm sure all our love shafts are just fine without unsolicited help from spammers.
My sentence of the day: "If I ever saw Glenn Beck naked photos, I would blind myself. "

I love your writing!
My sentence of the day: "If I ever saw Glenn Beck naked photos, I would blind myself. "

I love your writing!
Pranay, thank you. Now get that Beck image out of your mind before you stick pencils in your eyes.
Even in OpenSalon I've had comments that have a blue underlined book the supposed author wrote. But in the brutalized English written by an African or Russian hacker, I'm sure they are just after my bank account.

Now I'm even getting Facebook 'Chat' messages from friends whose account has been hijacked with notes like "You've got to check out this unbelievable" I never click on these messages.
Ralph, I've had one of those before; we have to be so careful about the links we click. I like your phrase "brutalized English." Of course, their English is better than my Russian!
This essay made me laugh, thanks for sharing it.

I send I dont know how many messages to myself about how to get a lover back. Get him back? The first email was sort of scary: "Guaranteed" Methods to get an ex back."

It was hard enough getting rid of him the first time.

Sadly, spam messages are as persistent as ex lovers. I'd rather have the spam, smiles.
Hey that Nigerian cabinet minister's widow is my mistress! :)
The spammers are able to send email from an account where they make it appear it came from your email account, but they did not get into your actual account.