Dear Beloved Homeowner’s Association,

Thank you very much for the notice outlining my recent infractions, and the follow-up notice assessing my fine. Every time I allow the weeds to get above one foot in my yard, I eagerly await your attention. I thoroughly enjoy having a petty bureaucracy watch over my every move. It brings out the Libertarian in me.

Perhaps you may not have noticed the difficulties that have impeded my ability to maintain my yard in the manner that you demand. It has rained nearly every weekend for the last three months in this climate-changed spring. This meant the weeds grew exceptionally tall, and I was not able to use my electric weed-whacker on them (picture that!). Due to budgetary constraints, I have been unable to hire a brawny yard guy to accomplish the work on those days when it was sunny but I was at work. You are probably unaware that every time the sun did shine on a weekend, I was sick, my child was sick, or I was out of town helping my retired parents move. I was therefore unable to do the yard work that you feel is so critical to my well-being. However, you must acknowledge that individuals in this HOA have lives that may not include yard maintenance.

I am quite aware that a nice looking neighborhood is a more pleasant place to live and improves property values, and my child does prefer to play on a freshly mowed lawn. However, going to work, attending to my child’s needs, and pursuing my personal relationships takes priority for me on a day-to-day basis. Perhaps you may have noticed that I am a quiet and conscientious neighbor in all other ways. I never park my car on the street, I put my garbage cans away on the day the garbage is collected (90% of the time), and I never play any of my electronic devices at a volume that might disturb my neighbors. In addition, my pet rabbit does not bark incessantly when I am out of town, or defecate in other peoples’ yards. Yes, things grew out of hand on my property, but are my weeds keeping anyone awake, endangering my neighbors, or impeding anyone’s view of the mountains? I think not. A monetary fine seems excessive.

I would like to politely request that you take the missives you have sent me via the U.S. Postal Service in the last 10 days and place them up your collective asses. I’m sure there is enough paperwork to go around. What does the $50 fine pay for, anyway? Pizza and beer at your board meetings? Pencils, paper and stamps to allow you to legally nag each member of the HOA? Perhaps my $50 could be better spent on the hunky yard guy mentioned in paragraph 1.

I apologize that I do not have time or inclination to attend a hearing on this matter. I anticipate that such a meeting would take at least an hour, and include at least two hours of pre-meeting anxiety and post-meeting recovery. Frankly, three hours of my time is probably worth the $50 you are demanding from me (although my salary as a public school teacher may not reflect that).

Since school is now out for the summer, I am able to spend my valuable vacation time chopping at native plants you don’t want to look at. Also, my tax return has come through, and I can now afford the buff yard guy to complete all the major work requested. It will be done by next Tuesday. So there.

Sincerely and Resentfully yours,

Weed Girl in the Cul-de-Sac