Just because your monthly symbol is a goat, doesn't mean you have to be so serious! Stop worrying about what other people think - they're no help anyway when you go to charge your cell phone and suffer a spider bite. You have the same chin and horoscope, as Katie Couric.
Show your patriotism by: Having lunch with your Russian spy neighbors.
Aquarius
(January 20 - February 18)
You look decent in your swimsuit but decide against wearing one. Reward your better judgement by throwing in the towel and skinny dipping to Lynyrd Skynyrd's: Free Bird. As an Aquarius, you are ruled by Uranus and enjoy rational thought unlike John Travolta, who shares your horoscope.
Show your patriotism by: Wearing a flag pin and watching Hee Haw.
Pisces
(February 19 - March 20)
You will be the first to arrive at a cook-out. Suddenly, you flick everyone the bird and leave mumbling about how early worms get eaten. You will feel like a puppy with two tongues and no balls. You share a propensity for baldness and a horoscope with Bruce Willis.
Show your patriotism by: Live-blogging a fireworks fatality.
Aries
(March 21 - April19)
You love your country like a southern baptist loves porn. Known for being good under pressure, you will be shot out of a red, white and blue cannon. You will experience 15 minutes of fame when you land on the massage table with Al Gore and share more than just this horoscope.
Show your patriotism by: Wearing light-up Nikes.
Taurus
(April 20 - May 20)
You are sensual, stubborn and often forget to floss. This weekend, the person you suspected will admit their feelings for you and a bottle rocket will explode in your lap. A dancing midget will urinate on it and save your life. You share a nose and a horoscope with Barbara Streisand.
Show your patriotism by: Finding Waldo.
Gemini
(May 21 - June 20)
The Gemini symbol is: twins, and also the reason you are obsessed with breasts. Eat blueberry pie tomorrow; your life depends on it. Don't make eye contact with anyone. You share a cheating heart and a horoscope with John Edwards.
Show your patriotism by: Attending a balloon boy reenactment.
Cancer
(June 21 - July 22)
Your closest friend is planning to prank you in front of a large group of people tomorrow. Don't fret; your quick wit and spirituality will pull you through. Your sign is the crab but luckily your itch isn't. You share an IQ and a horoscope with George W. Bush.
Show your patriotism by: Selling a senate seat.
Leo
(July 23 - August 22)
Make certain you don't have 'organ donor' on any of your documents because your brand of pancreas is trending on google. As a Leo, you are well liked, funny and sure to make a splash in someone's pool. You share a big butt and a horoscope with Jennifer Lopez.Show your patriotism by: Starting up your leaf blower at 5 a.m.
(August 23 - September 22)
People often fantasize about your demise because you are so sexy. Let your hair grow to your waist and all of your problems will go away. If you want to drop pounds, skip condiments and rope this weekend. You share an addictive personality and a horoscope with Amy Winehouse.
Show your patriotism by: Writing your name in cursive with a sparkler.
Libra
(September 23 - October 22)
Today is a new day and tomorrow is even newer. Clear a path both physically and mentally for your autistic side. Throw away all of your socks and buy breath mints. You share a passion for yodeling and a horoscope with Julie Andrews.
Show your patriotism by: Entering something in a county fair.
Scorpio
(October 23 - November 21)
You have amazing thighs. You should wear more red but don't ever wear white - it clashes with your teeth. Say yes to the next person that needs your help or get stuck in an elevator with the octobabies. You share an appreciation for youth and a horoscope with Demi Moore.
Show your patriotism by: Getting a small dog to sit in your lap while driving.
Sagittarius
(November 22 - December 21)
You love to travel and you steal things from hotels. You especially like yeast rolls. This weekend will prove to be another waste of time unless you paint your bedroom walls black and buy a paddle. You share a love for drama and a horoscope with Tyra Banks.
Show your patriotism by: Jumping on your trampoline - trying to see Russia.
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Comments
Btw,(woman to woman, here) that picture ::shrinking like a violet:: on the front page does not do me justice. As Jack says ... it's a bad angle. If I'm a sexy Virgo, you need to know that.;)
Loved the post
patricia k: Seaside and I'll take pictures and share. I hope you have a wonderful weekend!
SheilaTGTG55, I thank you for implementing these horoscopes. They are accurate and sure to be spot on. Happy 4, Mane.:D
Dave Rickert, it's the only way :(
Hey Scarlett, I think you look great on the cover and your piece made me want to hug Canada.
Condiments eh??? Hmmm might try that.
rated with hugs and fireworks
Very amusing!
Great list.
designanator, you can for today only but risk being labeled a flip flopper.
Jerusalem Mike: hello my Jew friend, you will find the answers you seek in someone's knickers.
;D
Linda, yes, Winehouse - sorry - I can't redo my visions. I can't believe you rated me with a firework. *comments while fully bandaged
Whindbagg, I've never had a hat doffed to me. I have forged an emotional bond with a whindbagg.
Graham Sale, I wish you did too but I couldn't afford to buy it.
sweetfeet, but it has already been written. Red compliments your natural ph tones and strawberry hair in a way too primal for you to understand.
Jonathan Wolfman- I knew you were Aquarius. You have that earthy, aqua feel. Like the Godfather.
Scanner, I'm so sorry. You might like it?
{[R]}
have a happy 4th!
R~
Rated and Stumbled
Hilarious fun, Amanda. Thanks for the laugh.
Nowadays nobody are believing such kind of things.
- Jonathan
Chainsaw reviews