Men are strange creatures. We all know this ladies, it is written into our genes so that we are all intrinsically aware of it. However, sometimes I hear a man say something or I read something that a man has done and I am completely caught off guard by the ridiculousness, the oddity, or the downright outrageous nature of the comment. This was the case today as I surfed a site affiliated with aol.co.uk.

Lemondrop.co.uk often entertains me with its random bits of information and news, and today was no different. For some reason the staff at Lemondrop had decided to interview a random selection of men to find out what exactly married men got up to when their wives weren’t looking. In essence, what was the biggest secret they keep from their better halves. Now, I use the term better half loosely, because as I read each little nugget of comedy and enraging gold I found myself filled with a desire to pass on some words to both parties involved. As I have no access to these people I will share my views with you lot. Lucky you.

Starting with the ones that made me angry to get them out of the way first and end on a lighter note I think.

1)         Vic from Bolton – “I take off my wedding ring at work and no-one, apart from my receptionist, knows that I am married. I’ve had a few affairs with the girls at work but nothing serious of course, I’d never actually leave my wife for any of them. I think that most men lead double lives at work and at home don’t they?”

Er, no Vic, I think you might be in the minority there. At least I sincerely hope so! Guys, step up and defend yourselves here please and show Vic that he is not normal, he is in fact a slime ball that should be led away bound for the stocks in his grubbiest underpants to be tarred and feathered by womankind.

2)         Phil from Sidmouth – “I visit prostitutes, but the only reason I do is out of respect for my wife. I can pay hookers to perform the filthy acts I wouldn’t dream of asking the woman I love to do. She is the mother of my children and I would never want to demean her in that way.”

But you’re quite happy to demean her by paying hookers behind her back?! Seriously Phil, you sound like a disgusting pig who should be bloody grateful to be married to a woman you claim to love and who deigned to bring your children into the world. Get a grip, wake up and smell what you’re shoveling!

3)         Col from London – “No-one knows but once a week I slip out of the office, take a trip to a masseuse and get a vigorous kneading by a beautiful young woman. We don’t have the money for it, so I don’t tell the wife.”

Is it me, or does anyone else have a horrid suspicion that getting ‘a vigorous kneading from a beautiful young woman’ is a euphemism? Even if it isn’t I still think this is despicable. Okay, everyone needs to unwind, but sneaking away from your wife specifically to get a massage from someone ‘beautiful’ and ‘young’ is disrespectful to her and to lie about the funds when she would probably kill to indulge herself too is just mean.

4)         Cliff from Rugby – “Like all men I watch porn, but unlike all men I have a wife with the perfect figure. She has massive boobs and a tiny frame. Men salivate when they pass her in the street. Thing is, the porn I love involves ordinary women with average bodies. Weird I know when I have a supermodel at home.”

Now, aside from his assumption of what a perfect body, is I found very little here to be angry with. In fact, I ended up quite liking Cliff. Variety, as they say, is the spice of life!

5)         Harry from Sutton – “I travel a lot for business but end up at a loose end after work. I used to sit in hotels at night, lonely as hell. Now I hire escorts which I pay for with a credit card my wife doesn’t know about. It’s innocent, I only take them for dinner but it means I get to enjoy what these cities have to offer, with company.”

An innocent evening with an escort; we’ve all heard that one before. Seriously though Harry, you’re a bit pathetic aren’t you really? Why not try and make plans with someone you meet for work that day, or maybe grow a pair and go out by yourself – it’s not taboo you know! Why risk your marriage? Because if the wife ever found out you can guarantee she’s not going to buy the ‘innocent’ plea.

6)         Carl from Rickmansworth – “I go and see my dear old mum behind my wife’s back. They don’t get on but I love my mother to bits and we have some cracking chats over tea and biscuits. I might be a bit of a wet blanket but I’d rather spend the afternoon rabbiting to my mum than anything else in the world.”

Yes Carl, you do sound like an utter wet blanket for not putting your foot down and telling both of the women in your life to get a grip and deal with the fact that you are going to have a relationship with them both. Your wife is being a cow for making you choose and your mother is probably rubbing her hands together at the thought of getting one over on the wretch that stole you away from her. Be a man about it and put them both in their place!

7)         Seth from Maltby – “Every Sunday I tell my wife that I’m going to my allotment. I’m not lying either, but all my patch consists of is earth with nothing planted in it and my lovely shed. I’ve set up a bed, a TV and a stereo and I just sit there all day, smoking cigarettes. I just take home a bunch of veg from Tesco now and then.”

When I was through laughing at this ludicrous revelation I realized how unfair this was of him. Seriously, there are a hell of a lot of people in the UK stuck on waiting lists for allotments after Jamie Oliver’s push to get the nation growing their own and here this punk is not putting his patch of land to any use! Get a shed at the bottom of your garden and stop being a pussy who can’t tell his wife to leave him be for a few hours! 

8)          Mike from Potton – “Every Tuesday night my wife thinks I go and play darts at my local boozer. In actual fact I’m across town taking part in a karaoke competition. I take it really seriously and have even won prizes and trophies for my warble but obviously I can’t show them off as no-one knows what I’ve been up to.”

Honestly? What a stupid thing to lie about. What’s the point?

9)         Liam from Norfolk – “As lovely as my wife is, she does my head in. A complete health nut, our family is force-fed a vegan meal every night. It’s vile, but instead of telling her I spare her feelings and have a McDonalds on the way home every other night!”

Yet another example of a man who needs to grow some hair on his balls and take a stand. For the sake of the kids if nothing else!

10)         Josh from Hartlepool – “My wife thinks I go to the gym every night. In fact I go to the studio I rent and play the drums I bought with last year’s Christmas bonus, which I didn’t tell her about. I thrash out the day on my kit and imagine for two hours that I’m a rock legend instead of Josh the boring accountant.”

Imagine, if you will, that you are Josh’s wife and you discover he has not been going to the gym. First though that flits through your head – affair. Right? Now imagine how hard you would laugh at boring old josh when you found out the real reason.

11)         Ross from Newcastle (a city renowned for it’s tough guys…) – “I have a secret CD which I keep under the driver’s seat in my car. I whack it on and turn it up to full volume on my way home from work, screaming the words of my favourite songs at the top of my voice. My wife would die laughing if she ever found out I knew all the words to Dancing Queen.”

Classic. What else is there to say? I think it’s best all round if you carry on keeping this to yourself Ross!

12)         Ben from Middlesex – “Sometimes I organise a night out with the lads. My wife thinks it’s because I need a break from her and the kids and that I wish I was still a bachelor. But that’s not true. I go out with them to remind myself how awful single life is and how lucky I am to have found the woman of my dreams.”

What a guy huh ladies? Just one question though Ben; why not just tell her?

13)          Lee from Chipping Ongar – “This is going to sound really sappy, but whenever I’m away from my wife I write her love letters and poems. I never give them to her as I’m a bit embarrassed but I write down all the things I wish I could tell her but would feel like a soppy idiot saying.”

All together now – awwwwwwww! All in favour of him giving her the next letter say ‘aye’!