Tainted Pen: Satire for Surfers
Bill Britton
- Location
- North Port, Florida, USA
- Bio
- Freelance writer/editor. Former Marine, former hardware/garden supply owner, former commercial fisherman (shellfish), former motorcyclist, current gadfly.
MY RECENT POSTS
- God Announces 2011 Angel Quota
January 09, 2011 01:54PM - Last U.S. Manufacturer Moves
to China
January 09, 2011 01:53PM - Republicans Begin Search for
New War
January 09, 2011 01:52PM - Pat Robertson: God’s Will
Has Been Done
January 09, 2011 01:51PM - Former BP CEO Receives New
Brain
January 09, 2011 01:50PM
Bill Britton's Links
JANUARY 9, 2011 1:54PM
God Announces 2011 Angel Quota
God Announces 2011 Angel Quota
By Bill Britton
Special to INS — Bryant Wright, President of the Southern Baptist Convention, announced today that a committee of fellow pastors recently completed a conference call with God. Preliminary results from this confab indicate that God will require 52,000…
By Bill Britton
Special to INS — Bryant Wright, President of the Southern Baptist Convention, announced today that a committee of fellow pastors recently completed a conference call with God. Preliminary results from this confab indicate that God will require 52,000…
JANUARY 9, 2011 1:53PM
Last U.S. Manufacturer Moves to China
Last U.S. Manufacturer Moves to China
By Bill Britton
Special to INS — Not unexpectedly, the Autsch Pin Company announced today that it will move its manufacturing operations to China. CEO Arvid Lindstrom cited a shrinking labor force in Bagville, Minnesota where the company is headquartered.
… Read full post »
By Bill Britton
Special to INS — Not unexpectedly, the Autsch Pin Company announced today that it will move its manufacturing operations to China. CEO Arvid Lindstrom cited a shrinking labor force in Bagville, Minnesota where the company is headquartered.
JANUARY 9, 2011 1:52PM
Republicans Begin Search for New War
Republicans Begin Search for New War
By Bill Britton
Buoyed by the Republican Party’s victories in the mid-term elections, likely House Speaker John (“Weepy”) Boehner (R-Ohio) pledged to find a new war for America: “Let’s face it,” said Boehner, “The American… Read full post »
By Bill Britton
Buoyed by the Republican Party’s victories in the mid-term elections, likely House Speaker John (“Weepy”) Boehner (R-Ohio) pledged to find a new war for America: “Let’s face it,” said Boehner, “The American… Read full post »
JANUARY 9, 2011 1:51PM
Pat Robertson: God’s Will Has Been Done
Pat Robertson: God’s Will Has Been Done
By Bill Britton
Special to INS — Excited by Republican/Tea Party wins in Tuesday’s midterm elections, televangelist Pat Robertson has decided to expand 700 Club membership by offering free tickets on the Rapture Express. The Rapture Express i… Read full post »
By Bill Britton
Special to INS — Excited by Republican/Tea Party wins in Tuesday’s midterm elections, televangelist Pat Robertson has decided to expand 700 Club membership by offering free tickets on the Rapture Express. The Rapture Express i… Read full post »
JANUARY 9, 2011 1:50PM
Former BP CEO Receives New Brain
Former BP CEO Receives New Brain
By Bill Britton
BP's former CEO, Tony Hayward, received a new brain on Friday after the original was found to be functioning at only 20 percent of typical brain capacity. The new brain came from a donor described by Hayward's doctors as a "twenty-something manager of… Read full post »
By Bill Britton
BP's former CEO, Tony Hayward, received a new brain on Friday after the original was found to be functioning at only 20 percent of typical brain capacity. The new brain came from a donor described by Hayward's doctors as a "twenty-something manager of… Read full post »
JANUARY 9, 2011 1:32PM
Afghanistan War Logs: The Musical
Afghanistan War Logs: The Musical
By Bill Britton
Special to INS — Andrew Lloyd Weber, whose smash hit, Phantom of the Opera, continues to set records on the world’s stages, has agreed to compose the musical score for The New York Times best-seller, Afghanistan War Logs. “The materia… Read full post »
By Bill Britton
Special to INS — Andrew Lloyd Weber, whose smash hit, Phantom of the Opera, continues to set records on the world’s stages, has agreed to compose the musical score for The New York Times best-seller, Afghanistan War Logs. “The materia… Read full post »
JANUARY 9, 2011 1:30PM
Canada Places New Restrictions on Use of "eh?"
Canada Places New Restrictions on Use of
"eh?"
By Bill Britton
Canada's Culture Minister Kevin Krueger today announced that Canadians will no longer be allowed to use the expression "eh?" with abandon: "I believe that this linguistic identifier places Canadians at a disadvantage in the English-speakin… Read full post »
By Bill Britton
Canada's Culture Minister Kevin Krueger today announced that Canadians will no longer be allowed to use the expression "eh?" with abandon: "I believe that this linguistic identifier places Canadians at a disadvantage in the English-speakin… Read full post »
JANUARY 9, 2011 1:29PM
Cheney Signs on Water Dowser to Find WMD
Cheney Signs on Water Dowser to Find WMD
By Bill Britton
Former Vice President Dick Cheney outlined a new strategy to find former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein's WMD programs, which Cheney says "will justify the ten-year war." Ernest Quilby, a farmer from Gnosall Heath (UK), and a world-renown dowser,… Read full post »
By Bill Britton
Former Vice President Dick Cheney outlined a new strategy to find former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein's WMD programs, which Cheney says "will justify the ten-year war." Ernest Quilby, a farmer from Gnosall Heath (UK), and a world-renown dowser,… Read full post »
JANUARY 9, 2011 1:28PM
Good News for Vietnam-Era Veterans
Good News for Vietnam-Era Veterans
By Bill Britton
Special to INS - A Florida Vietnam-era veteran was surprised recently when he applied for Social Security. Solomon Dullhed found that he would receive a supplement to his regular award of $1,320 per month. "Wow, was I excited. After plugging in my tim… Read full post »
By Bill Britton
Special to INS - A Florida Vietnam-era veteran was surprised recently when he applied for Social Security. Solomon Dullhed found that he would receive a supplement to his regular award of $1,320 per month. "Wow, was I excited. After plugging in my tim… Read full post »
JANUARY 9, 2011 1:27PM
U.S. Treasury to Issue “Two-Fers”
U.S. Treasury to Issue “Two-Fers”
By Bill Britton
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an effort to bolster the economy, the Treasury Department authorized the nation’s banks to issue “two-fers.” Beginning Monday, all account withdrawals will in effect be doubled, or “double-…
By Bill Britton
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an effort to bolster the economy, the Treasury Department authorized the nation’s banks to issue “two-fers.” Beginning Monday, all account withdrawals will in effect be doubled, or “double-…
JUNE 18, 2010 8:20AM
Post-War Plans See Afghanistan as 51st State
Post-War
Plans See Afghanistan as 51st State By Bill Britton
WASHINGTON, DC — In an interview with Larry King on CNN, White House Adviser Rahm Immanuel hinted that Afghanistan would become the fifty-first state soon after the country is democratized. “It will be a mutually benefici… Read full post »
JUNE 17, 2010 2:43PM
Florida Homeowners’ Association Bans Dead Leaves
Florida Homeowners’ Association Bans Dead Leaves
By Bill Britton
Special to INS — Pierre Saber, president of the Verde Dandé Homeowners’ Association, a 55+ community on Florida’s Gulf Coast, announced that the VD board of directors has passed a series of innovative by-law…
By Bill Britton
Special to INS — Pierre Saber, president of the Verde Dandé Homeowners’ Association, a 55+ community on Florida’s Gulf Coast, announced that the VD board of directors has passed a series of innovative by-law…
JUNE 17, 2010 2:42PM
Google Names YouTube Spin-Offs
Google Names YouTube Spin-Offs
By Bill Britton
Special to INS — Chief economist at Google, Hal Varian, announced that YouTube, acquired by the search-engine giant in 2007, will spin off a separate entity, YouCrap, to deal with the increased flood of home videos uploaded to its servers. “We…
By Bill Britton
Special to INS — Chief economist at Google, Hal Varian, announced that YouTube, acquired by the search-engine giant in 2007, will spin off a separate entity, YouCrap, to deal with the increased flood of home videos uploaded to its servers. “We…
JUNE 17, 2010 2:41PM
Sales of Attack Chipmunks Rise
Sales of Attack Chipmunks Rise
By Bill Britton
Special to INS — The Wall Street Journal reported that sales of attack chipmunks increased dramatically in 2009. It estimates that more than 270 thousand of the small rodents have been purchased by Americans in response to terrorist threats since 200…
By Bill Britton
Special to INS — The Wall Street Journal reported that sales of attack chipmunks increased dramatically in 2009. It estimates that more than 270 thousand of the small rodents have been purchased by Americans in response to terrorist threats since 200…
JUNE 17, 2010 2:39PM
NIH: Iceberg Lettuce “Useless”
NIH: Iceberg Lettuce “Useless”
By Bill Britton
Special to INS — During his weekly press briefing, Gerhard
Veracity, a spokesman for the National Institutes of Health (NIH),
said that consuming iceberg lettuce is a “useless exercise in
mastication” and that you “might… Read full post »
JUNE 17, 2010 2:37PM
Palin Given Top Spot at ASHOL
Palin Given Top Spot at ASHOL
By Bill Britton
Sarah Palin’s publicist, Rick Maver, announced today that Alaska’s former governor has been signed on as head of ASHOL (American Society of Hateful and Odious Loonies). Society headquarters are located in Clayton, Michigan, where a number of sim…
By Bill Britton
Sarah Palin’s publicist, Rick Maver, announced today that Alaska’s former governor has been signed on as head of ASHOL (American Society of Hateful and Odious Loonies). Society headquarters are located in Clayton, Michigan, where a number of sim…
JUNE 17, 2010 2:34PM
Coleman Tent to Tailor Suits for Limbaugh
Coleman Tent to Tailor Suits for Limbaugh
By Bill Britton
The Coleman Company announced today that it has signed a contract with Rush Limbaugh to make the media personality’s garments. CEO Sam Solomon said that “Coleman is uniquely qualified to fabricate Mr. Limbaugh’s clothing. Our o…
By Bill Britton
The Coleman Company announced today that it has signed a contract with Rush Limbaugh to make the media personality’s garments. CEO Sam Solomon said that “Coleman is uniquely qualified to fabricate Mr. Limbaugh’s clothing. Our o…
JUNE 17, 2010 2:33PM
I.Q. of Intelligent Design’s Creator Pegged at 78
I.Q. of Intelligent Design’s Creator Pegged at 78
By Bill Britton
After a series of exhaustive tests, researchers at the U.S. Department of Education have found that the “higher being” responsible for Intelligent Design (ID) has an IQ of 78. This number falls within a range signifying…
By Bill Britton
After a series of exhaustive tests, researchers at the U.S. Department of Education have found that the “higher being” responsible for Intelligent Design (ID) has an IQ of 78. This number falls within a range signifying…
JUNE 17, 2010 2:31PM
Glenn Beck: “Drain, Baby, Drain!”
Glenn Beck: “Drain, Baby, Drain!”
By Bill Britton
Special to INS — Fox News’ Glenn Beck announced the results of a week-long conference he organized to find a way to deal with oil spilling into the Gulf of Mexico from the destroyed BP drilling rig: “The best long-term solu…
By Bill Britton
Special to INS — Fox News’ Glenn Beck announced the results of a week-long conference he organized to find a way to deal with oil spilling into the Gulf of Mexico from the destroyed BP drilling rig: “The best long-term solu…
MARCH 10, 2010 7:35AM
CNN: Tsunami Baloney
CNN: Tsunami Baloney
By
Bill Britton
Atlanta, GA (INS). CNN president Jonathan Klein expressed dismay at
the disappointing results from Saturday’s tsunami. “We
had news feeds set up from California to Pango Pango, wherever the
heck that is, and what did we get? I’ve seen bigger
ripple… Read full post »
MARCH 10, 2010 7:33AM
PGA Presents Plan for Recycling Goose Droppings
PGA Presents Plan for Recycling Goose Droppings
By Bill Britton
INS News — The PGA presented a plan today to offset the cost of cleaning up the Canada goose droppings that plague golf courses around the country. Speaking on behalf of its membership, PGA President M.G. Orender traced the history o…
By Bill Britton
INS News — The PGA presented a plan today to offset the cost of cleaning up the Canada goose droppings that plague golf courses around the country. Speaking on behalf of its membership, PGA President M.G. Orender traced the history o…
MARCH 10, 2010 7:32AM
Mississippi Schools to Ban Reading
Mississippi Schools to Ban Reading
By Bill Britton
In an effort to delist Mississippi as the third-lowest ranking school in national test scores of reading ability, Governor Haley Barbour has decided to ban reading in public schools: “The people of the great state of Mississippi will no longer to…
By Bill Britton
In an effort to delist Mississippi as the third-lowest ranking school in national test scores of reading ability, Governor Haley Barbour has decided to ban reading in public schools: “The people of the great state of Mississippi will no longer to…
JANUARY 3, 2010 7:58AM
How Are Things in Tora Bora?
How Are Things in Tora Bora?
(Sung to the tune, “How Are Things in Glocca Morra?”)
By Bill Britton
How are things in Tora Bora?
Is that Saudi creep still sleeping there?
Does he miss his friends in Khanabad,
in Kabul town, or in sandy Kandahar?
How are things in Tora… Read full post »
JANUARY 2, 2010 10:13AM
The Real Reason Dobbs Dumped CNN
The Real Reason Dobbs Dumped CNN
By Bill Britton
Lou Dobbs, mired in controversy because of his opinion-laden commentary, abruptly resigned from CNN recently. A spokesperson for the Hispanic community in Miami, Grito N. Altavoz, said, “Good riddance to that gringo maricón. He want to send…
By Bill Britton
Lou Dobbs, mired in controversy because of his opinion-laden commentary, abruptly resigned from CNN recently. A spokesperson for the Hispanic community in Miami, Grito N. Altavoz, said, “Good riddance to that gringo maricón. He want to send…
JANUARY 2, 2010 10:05AM
Ring-a-leave-ee-o
Ring-a-leave-ee-o
By Bill Britton
I wish I could encapsulate the great frustration I now feel after Obama’s Afghanistan speech and toss it away. A lingering hangover sans booze. I can only think back to when I was discharged from the Marine Corps in the 1960s and toyed with the idea of emigrating…
By Bill Britton
I wish I could encapsulate the great frustration I now feel after Obama’s Afghanistan speech and toss it away. A lingering hangover sans booze. I can only think back to when I was discharged from the Marine Corps in the 1960s and toyed with the idea of emigrating…
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