In the last series, the one on the "Folly of Forgiveness," I shared some nuggets of wisdom on how to avoid forgiveness. Alas, one can dodge even considering that topic by avoiding intimacy altogether. Thus, I’ve put together…

"96 WAYS TO AVOID INTIMACY"

There are folks out there who want more than anything to have and to hold, to squeeze and to suffocate, to tie up and tie down. Yes, the world is rife with clingers, pouncers, chasers and grabbers. To escape single is truly miraculous. Is it sheer luck? Absolutely not! It takes serpentine strategies to swiftly slip away from the unsuspecting.

Herein I offer a lifetime’s worth of wisdom, condensed neatly into a "96 Ways to Avoid Intimacy."

Have a long list of absolute requirements for a partner—and stick to it no matter what! To give you an example,

•   likes exercise, but not hiking or anything dirty
•   fruitarian
•   travels well
•   owns magenta, fuel-efficient SUV
•   willing to let inner child come out and play dominator games
•   sleeps on left side of bed, right arm under head
•   wealthy with a house whose kitchen leads to a sunken living room with picture windows facing the ocean

2. Never give up your belief the grass is greener o’er yonder

No matter how perfect the person next to you may seem, always know that there is probably someone better out their, someone with blue eyes instead of gray, who rolls, doesn’t squeeze the toothpaste, and who can parallel park in one go.

3. Live alone

This is one of those little things that over a long period of time helps you to become rigid and intolerable to people sharing your space. You’ll slowly become so entrenched in your little habits, it’ll be virtually impossible to happily co-habitate with another.

4. Compulsively repeat behaviors you know drive him crazy

"Honey," he says, "I’ve told you not to squeeze my knee. I don’t like it."

You respond, "You are always looking for an excuse to cause problems," while you squeeze his knee again.

Note how the complaint was neatly turned around into blaming him. Whether it’s pushing your tongue into the inside of his eardrum he can’t stand, or leaving the light on in the bathroom (this one works particularly well with Save the Earth members), if he finds it irritating or otherwise upsetting, just keep on.

5. Hang up if she says something you don’t want to talk about

For many of you, this is probably intuitive—simple common sense. But for those who’ve not yet tried this basic yet effective strategy, it’s an absolute must.

Not only does it work cutting off a current line of discourse, but it’s also behavior modification. Pretty soon she’ll learn not to broach intimate subjects of any kind if she doesn’t want to be hung up on.

6. Jealousy

"Why were you talking to her?! Every time I turn around you’re trying to pick up someone else. Why don’t you just find someone else or start a harem. I just can’t take this anymore," you sputter, glaring at your partner.

"Dear," he responds acidly, "the woman needed to know how much I wanted in the tank."

Frequent outbursts of this nature are certain to cut off any sense of faith he may have in you to handle anything other than inanities.

7. Never say you’re sorry

Never, never, never take responsibility for anything! Outright lie about what you did or said if you have to, but whatever you do, don’t acknowledge that you are vulnerable, or less than perfect. It is an "in" that would quickly be taken advantage of.

8.Focus on the differences

This one is so easy. All’s you have to do is open up your eyes and ears. Notice that while you are well-spoken, he says "ya", that while you shop at big box stores, he goes to local markets, that while he has two sisters and one brother, you have two sisters and no brother.

You can actually write these all down in a list, under the headings "differences" and "similarities". You can add the even larger subheadings, "Negatives" and "Positives."

When you look at the list you’ll wonder what ever attracted you in the first place, and can rest easy knowing that you now have a mental and verbal arsenal that will keep any intentions of connecting far at bay.

9. Make derogatory comments about her family (whether you’ve met them or not)

I learned my lessons early on about what you "should" do when the issue of family comes up, or boyfriends, or friends. You listen and nod, but NEVER outright agree with a person’s assertions regarding their loved ones. They can insult their family—you can’t! So simply break the rule and let the show begin.

When she says, "I feel my brother is making a mistake…," don’t respond with a compassionate look accompanied by a "Hmm."

Oh no.

Take this opportunity to shut down any further conversations on family and other real concerns, saying, "Well what do you expect? He’s got the mind of a hamster. And furthermore…."

10. Insult one of his body parts

Beer belly, too short, saggy chest, no bum, puny bits—or be creative and choose something really obscure—"I can’t stand the way your elbow faces upwards when your arm is straight."

He’ll be defensive—less himself, and since you don’t want to see the real him anyway, this strategy is perfect. It also neatly cuts off intimacy in the bedroom, for who is going to let go after a hearty emasculation.

11. Ask to borrow money every time you see her

And if she gives it to you, keep asking for more! Of course when she begins to give you "the look", that’s when you call her stingy, tell her she just doesn’t understand you or, that you don’t want to break your $20

Money can be a great distancer, as emotions range highest in this arena—right up there with sex.

12. Change cities often

This is the precursor to "leave the country regularly". Any time you start to feel yourself getting close to someone, and start to get that horrid feeling of anxiety in the pit of your stomach, like "Oh God, if this gets any closer he’s going to run", translate this fear immediately into a bus ticket out of the state.

13. Leave the country for long periods regularly

This is actually an advanced strategy for those situations where you really like the person and know you can’t even stay on the same continent as them or you’ll fall into the Beta genus of avoidance strategies—clinging!

Leaving is much more fun because you can hold onto the romance in your head, writing mushy love letters while enjoying the hookworms in the Mexican outback, the Uzi-toting teenagers of Israel or the Mafia infested streets of Moscow.

Yes, as you shake in terror and culture shock in another land, you are actually in that heavenly state of love for your squishy pumpkin across the seas.

14. Show no respect for his possessions

He lends you a nice new hardcover. Maybe 96 Ways to Avoid Intimacy. Big mistake. You’re zipping through the book, having a laugh, taking notes while holding the book respectfully. Now that’s no way to lose trust and keep intimacy at a distance. No, no. So begin right now!

If this book is borrowed, go on, take it into the bath with you, a big bubbly bath, and when you come to a particularly funny bit, just bang your fist into the water with a big guffaw. Oops! The book was in that hand and it’s all wet now.

Have a nice splashy spaghetti dinner whilst reading said book. Heck, take it camping, use the pages to handy-wipe up spills, and when you hand over what’s left of the book, just grin and say, "Great read. Do you have any more?"

His response will be a clear indicator of whether you have a pleaser on your hands—or not. A pleaser will avoid the issue, and move onto another topic with a concerned look in your direction.

Otherwise, you might expect, "What the hell did you do to my book?!"

Go for denial, blandly responding, "What."

"MY BOOK!" he repeats.

"What book?" you query.

"This book!!"

"What about it?" you ask.

"Look at it!"

You look. "Ya, great title page. What’s YOUR problem?"

Continue along this line as though he’s the lunatic. Don’t forget to happily start picking up other items in his place, asking if you can borrow them. This should enrage him sufficiently to keep any trust he may have been harboring in you at bay.

15. Leave half way through a date

An excellent ploy is to make a scathing comment whilst in the theatre, followed by a rustley gathering of coat, a parting "THIS FILM IS CRAP", and a march to the exit.

It’s just sort of fun to do this to see if she’ll follow. You can get her number, if you know what I mean. If she sits there eating her popcorn, and tells you, "Get out of my way, you’re blocking my view," as you brush past her, well, you’re going to have to change your strategy to that of clinger, or games over.

If, on the other hand, she chases after you, asking "Bubbly muffin, what’s wrong?" you can retort acidly, "That girl in the movie was putting her hands down her pants. How CRUDE!"

"Ahh, Bumby, she was just reaching for her gun."

You now let your eyes fall to the floor, looking embarrassed, and mutter, "Really?" with a sort of hopeful lilt.

You now know, for future reference, that you can have a great time walking out of all sorts of events and situations.

16. Tell him to "shut up" if he tries to discuss the relationship

"Honey. We’ve been dating for a while, and I’d like to know what your intentions are?"

Ah, ah, ah, ooo, ooo! Come to think of it that would be a great reply, followed by a blank stare perhaps.

Truth is, if he is asking this question, he might be on his way out of the intimacy avoidance game. But probably not! After all, he is asking this thought-provoking question to YOU! Get real. This isn’t on the program.

So, shrug as though to get something ugly off your shoulder and say, "Ah, shaddup."

If he persists, I see no reason to alternate this handy reply, because that might lead to a conversation—about the relationship—the thing you do not discuss under any circumstances. It is the beginning of the end. Unless, of course, you have the corollary strategy of screening your calls and only seeing him once a month.

Heck, then you can talk about the "relationship" as much as you like—because you’ve already assured there really isn’t one.

17. Ardently discuss the desire for a child

This is a beautiful strategy, guaranteed to overshadow any other "issues" of the day. Just start by saying, "You know, I think I need a baby to be fulfilled. And I’d like us to be parents together and start a family."

Of course this is particularly striking if it’s your first date.

But even a few weeks or months into the relationship, this can work quite well if you bring it up often enough and ardently enough. "TAKE OFF THAT CONDOM! I told you I need to have a baby!"

If, by some fluke, he’s into having a child, immediately switch to Plan B—dead baby jokes.

18. Tell him "I love you" on the first date

You met him at a neighborhood café one day. There were few tables, so you asked if you could share his. A few polite words about the weather led to an interesting chat about the news of the day, and soon lots of energy was bouncing back and forth.

He said, "Well, I have to go now, but how’d you like to meet me in front of the Hollywood Theatre tonight? There’s a good movie playing."

He’s cute, and you’ve agreed with all the same commentaries on the "Opinions" page of the newspaper so, he must be "the one."

At this point, throw in some questions like,

"So what corner will we meet on?"

"What should I do if you’re late"

"If I get there first should I buy the tickets for us both and you pay me back or was this your treat, because then I’ll wait."

By the end of this he’s probably starting to regret his invitation. But you’ve got an honorable one on the line, and he hasn’t even seen your piece de la resistance.

This comes at the end of the movie, when you suggest going to a cozy café. He tells you he has to call Zimbabwe at 8pm EST, which is in about ten minutes.

In a nurturing voice, look up, and with googely, doe-eyes say, "I understand. I love you."

19. Interrupt often, and talk non-stop

Let’s say you’re chatting with him after a "Virgin as Pagan Mother" seminar. You invite him to join you for a snack. While you’re in the car, you’re still giving him the opportunity to speak once in a while, just so he doesn’t bolt before you reach the restaurant. You don’t want to eat alone after all. You don’t really want to connect with anyone either, you’re simply scared to be with yourself and want someone next to you for a short time.

Once you’ve both placed your orders, you can relax. He probably won’t leave now that the food’s on the way.

If he ventures to speak, perhaps opening with, "I saw the Dalai Lama at UBC the other night. It was"—"WELL THE EARTH MADE NEBULAS INT…." you boom out over top, "MADE NOT OF …" and simply don’t stop the monologue for the duration of the meal.

If he attempts to respond to something, "Oh, I just read an article about that yesterday. Apparent—" you blast out, "AND IN THE BEGINNING WAS THE WORD, AND THE WORD WAS—"

Oh yeah, if you run out of anything original to say just start spouting off scripture, any statistics you may know, dialogue from TV shows, or handy tips you’ve picked up recently to keep your whites whiter.

20. Kick her dog

If truth be told, dog people are so hyper-sensitive about their beasts, all that’s really necessary is to restrain yourself from saying "ga-ga oogely boogely what a nice poochy" screeched with ever rising baby tones. Look at their dog as you would look at a balustrade.

Anything other than complete admiration will have them doubting your right to exist.

21. Be pushy

Let’s say the man you’ve dated a couple of times is casually talking about moving into an apartment closer to his work.

"Aha" you think—I’m going to move in with him. Wouldn’t that be wonderful!

So you start to snuggle up close, making coo’ing noises, and out of your mouth pop’s "But the apartment has to have a large enough bathroom to hold all my hair bows."

He looks at you with astonishment. You continue on, a little sharpness in your voice now, "Well you don’t expect me to keep all my damn bows floating around the bedroom do you. There’s no mirror."

Any reasonable facsimile of this line of conversation is guaranteed to have him bolting.

22. Admire yourself obsessively in any reflective surface

You’re walking along the street as your partner gabs on about the movie you’ve just seen.Do you pay attention? Respond?

No, no. Get caught up in the shop windows. Not the merchandise inside, but the visage reflected in the glass. Stop, regardless that your mate is thinking you’re right there beside him or her.

Bring out your comb, maybe a little Mousse, and while you’re there, you might as well start picking minute pieces of lint off your shirt with the same concentration you watch apes pick lice out of each other’s hair.

You can even take this to entirely new plateaus! Be creative! When you’re eating out, check all your cutlery, plates and glasses to see which has the best reflection, and when you find it, take this opportunity to puncture that tiny blackhead on your nose once and for all.

23. After he’s told you something heartfelt, look at him blankly and say "What?"

"I need to let you know that when you touched me on the elbow the other day, after we took my dog to the vet, I felt really loved. And I appreciate how we’re beginning to experience more than just casual dating together." He relays this to you in a voice choked with sentiment.

You heard what he said—and you’re disgusted. You hate all this mushy crap. You raise your head blandly, aiming it in his general direction, and vaguely mutter "What?"

That ought to take the insipid look of love off his face quick and get him onto more logical subjects, like why you never listen. That is a much easier topic to deal with.

24. Scream at her for no identifiable reason

This is the "startle and confuse" (as opposed to "shock and awe") method of distancing. Simply take an inane daily occurrence like your partner washing the dishes and leaving the dishrag by the sink.

Start yelling at her, "You KNOW I need the dishrag to be squished and hung, not lumped! BACTERIA WILL FORM!"

Then launch into, "You just don’t care about me." Guilt keeps the game going, and it is your duty when the ball is in your court, to throw it back, giving the other a turn to play.

25. Always dress inappropriately

He invites you to join his friends on a hike through the Grand Canyon. Come prepared!

Sport a well-pressed magenta suit, lacy button-up blouse, four-inch Manola Blahnicks and briefcase, which you insist on bringing along because your salad, Extreme Green, umbrella and laptop are inside. If that isn’t mortifying enough to bring the dating to a swift conclusion, just keep it up.

These suggestions work with equal effect for men. Especially the magenta suit and Manola Blahnicks on wilderness hike.

26. Only see her once a month

Never answer your phone, always screen your calls, and only get back to her once per week, midnight or later.

Get your emotional fix by communicating on deep levels about love, marriage and the cosmos, and gently teasing her that you might not be able to resist just grabbing her for a kiss the next time you see her. But never suggest seeing her, and if she brings it up, always claim you’re busy.

Once a month you can meet with her for a couple of hours, just to keep her hooked in, or to remember what she looks like. Do this with three or four people.

27. Never agree on his choice of movie

Basically let him know early on that if he gets hooked up with you he can say goodbye to action/adventure, horror, violent, classic, musicals—whatever, and that her viewing is now to be curtailed to romantic comedies, comedies, and dramas without violence—only!

If he happens to like those choices, simply reverse them and become equally narrow in the opposite direction: ONLY violence, horror….

28. Scratch yourself persistently

Head, feet, under arms, anywhere. Not only is it an obvious distraction to the woman trying to talk to you, but in short order, her irritation will be replaced by a concern over what it is that’s making you jump, and will it jump on her or her furniture or AHHG!

29. Never be honest about your feelings

This is one of the three pillars on which the whole intimacy avoidance lifestyle is founded. (The other two pillars are run and chase.)

If you aren’t being honest about who you really are, your insecurities, your passions, your truth, then she can’t know you—and to not know you is to not love you—and to not know you is to be "in the game". That is, the run, chase and hide game.

30. Judge him unmercifully

It’s not even necessary to let him know what all your judgments are, it’s enough just to have them. And nurture them, picking on every hair that’s out of place, every sentence that is not perfectly constructed, each idea that is less than Buddha-like. For instance, when he displays impatience or intolerance, comment sharply and disparagingly, "What’s YOUR problem?"

31. Revel in martyrdom

Or in other words, do your utmost to inspire guilt in others. It keeps the ball rolling, skillfully turning your guilty inner workings onto someone else. The best way to keep from learning who you are, and your resultant inability to relate to others on more than a superficial level can be maintained at a feverish pitch when you employ this most dastardly of strategies.

And the beauty of it is that most people will really think highly of you. "Look at the poor dear. She just keeps giving and giving, and is treated so badly. She deserves so much better."

It’s the ideal ploy—avoid intimacy, have a scapegoat tidily marked out who everyone will agree is a cad, and come off smelling like a rose.

32. Tell her "I’m embarrassed to introduce you to my friends"

So bring her along to meet your friends at a gallery opening, but on the way over, make little comments that will make her feel uncomfortable, like:

"This is sort of a formal affair. I know I forgot to tell you, so now you’re probably going to be the only one in jeans. But with that ratty T-shirt you’re wearing, maybe they’ll just think you’re the artist."

After arriving, you huddle in your little group of friends. As your partner starts to enter into the conversation with something like, "Well I can see you’re point, yet I think—" you break in with, "Oh, don’t take it all so seriously," while patting her hand as if she were a child.

Repeat this maneuver whenever she ventures an opinion. Her only recourse will be to get into it publicly with you, or wait until later, at which time you tell her you have no idea what she’s talking about.

33. Be clingy and gooey

You’re walking along the street with him. You grab his hand, smiling happily. He sort of smiles, gives your hand a squeeze, then attempts to let it go. Don’t let it!

Maybe take his hand and push it over and up and around your shoulder, then yank it tight so your little head is sort of locked up.

By this time he’s feeling a little shackled.

"It’s too hot," he grumbles, trying to disentangle. This is the fun part. Now it’s like grappling. The more he tries to disengage, the tighter you hold on, adding in some annoyed commentary like, "You never want to be close to me in public."

He furrows his brows at you, squirming to get loose.

"I need to be with someone affectionate, so BE STILL!" you bellow.

Replay episodes of this sort frequently.

34. Scream at her while she’s on the phone with someone

That’s it, just start wailing like a banshee when she picks up her phone. If it’s to someone important, all the better. Choose this moment to vent your feelings, let it out—now’s the time—

"THE WAY YOU LINE UP YOUR BOOKS ACCORDING TO COLOR IS TWADDLE! ALPHABETICAL! ALPHABETICAL!!"

It’ll give you the chance to be entirely honest about something totally inane, and as a bonus, reduce the likelihood of her trying to get you to meet any of her significant others.

35. Challenge everything he says

He says, "I’m thinking of taking an English class this fall."

You retort incredulously, "What? English? When’s the last time you were in school? I don’t think you should do that. What you need is math, but actually what you should be doing is working out your father issues and leave school for later."

You get the idea? Anything he says, simply show no faith in his judgment to do what’s best for him.

36. Ask endless questions

Ask questions, listen with interest, and if he sends a question back, give it a one-word answer, then ask another question.

This will keep most people going for quite some time. Many people will not ever notice how little they are learning about you, except that you are an excellent listener and they really like you because you adore them. This is a great way to be in relationship, yet avoid intimacy.

37. Silence

This follows neatly on the heels of asking endless questions, except there are no questions, because not only do you not want to share your own self, but you don’t particularly care to hear about her either.

So you simply don’t speak—except for the perfunctory, "Hello honey bear. How are you?"

If she doesn’t realize this is a rhetorical question and goes on to answer, just give her a blank look and turn on the TV or something.

38. Sleep

That’s it. Just take a wee kipp. Whether he is trying to explain something of vast emotional import or not. Just slowly use his voice to lull your eyes gently shut, your head falling onto his shoulder.

Make a habit of doing this whenever he starts to speak of things you do not wish to discuss.

39. Don’t leave the house

Strangely, there are many people who don’t leave the house, then question why they are not meeting anyone. But you, you want to be a conscious loner—not a philistine who is too stupid to recognize the obvious.

Of course, you can whine about being lonely to others, but at least you’ll know exactly what you’re doing.

40. Offer to pay him after sex

This one has to be used the first time.

Just casually inquire as you roll out of bed and start to pull your socks on, "So how much do I owe you for the night?"

41. Gluttony

Gorging, gambling, porn, E-Bay, bingo, Baby Duck, TV, sex—any addiction will do in creating not only distance, but a total loss of intimacy.

Every time the conversation moves towards honest communication, you veeeer compulsively and obsessively towards well…E-Bay.

41. Dumping

You’re going along, having a reasonably unhealthy relationship. In fact, you’ve got each other so well trained, that nothing broaching vulnerability is ever thrown onto the field anymore. Or if it is, you both shut down quickly, having had your behavior sufficiently modified by all the neat strategies in this book. So where do you go from here?

Dump him.

Maybe, to be polite, let him know what you’re doing. Leave a note on his windshield or something. "Am bored. Will not be seeing you again. Don’t call. Me."

If he’s a distancer, you really have ended the game, but the clingers will get all excited, and now phone you non-stop so the fun can recommence.

42. Be high-maintenance

Expect him to pay—always! Don’t even take out your wallet to offer, and if he asks you for half the check, give him a withering look and mutter under your breath, "Cheap vermin."

Conversely, if he grins and looks like he owns you—max out his card.

43. Tell her you’ve just gotten out of jail

Sadly, this may be appealing to some. However, the some to whom it will appeal are without question—fellow runners, so you have nary a worry about connecting on intimate levels.

44. Demand a commitment

The old ultimatum trick. An oldie but a goodie, on which the whole institution of marriage lies. Woman gets commitment, or man gets nothing. Of course you can’t lay it out that simply—the game must be played properly.

"Squishy Rabbit," you begin, "I need for the relationship to be going somewhere, like for it to have a future. Otherwise I need to move on."

He responds, "But things are working well right now, so why change it."

You counter, "Cause its not moving anywhere."

In other words, there’s no challenge, so you need to shake things up and scare the hell out of each other by demanding a commitment.

This can be used as an ongoing point of dissension to avoid the actual boredom of being in a committed relationship.

45. Tell really coarse, sexist, violent jokes (in front of her parents or co-workers works particularly well)

Most people will find this a hindrance to an intimate touchy- feelie conversation. If she does like these sorts of jokes, the likelihood of her being the type who engages in heartfelt conversations is probably minimal in any case.

46. Pursue

This may not seem like a distancing strategy, but in fact it’s just the flip side of the "clingy" coin. You have to look at it as a dance. You move away, they come closer, you move closer, they move away.

For instance, if you want him to back off, you can start "dropping by" his work.

"I was in the neighborhood" is so clichéd, but hey, you’re not out to be subtle. Show up unannounced where you know he’ll be. And when there, bring up heavy conversations about "the relationship" even if you don’t have one.

You might say, "I notice we’re not on the same level at this point in our relationship. Is there something you would like to share with me? We can’t go on like this if you won’t be honest with me about your feelings."

He responds, "What feelings? For god’s sake, I’m your florist!"

47. Leave a message on his pager informing him its over

Having made this ground-breaking decision to finally let go your attraction to unavailable types, you pick up the phone, call your boyfriend’s pager, and say, "I really love you, but we’re not really connecting on an emotional level, so goodbye."

If you’re one of those people who keep chanting, "I really want to be in a committed relationship," when in fact you run like hell, or more likely don’t even notice someone with potential when it enters your hemisphere, this’ll be good for you.

It has all the elements you enjoy.

For one, you can righteously stick to your argument that being single has nothing to do with you, but is all about the lack of good men, while at the same time playing out your own "life is so unfair" victim fantasy.

48. Break your word

This’ll keep him begging for crumbs if he’s a clinger, raising his insecurities and threatening abandonment. It’ll keep his head so occupied that he won’t start pondering the meaning of life and what he’s really getting out of this endless cycle of short-term, chaotic, push-pull relationships.

So get going, and not to where he thinks you’re going to be! Oh, no. If you say you’ll meet for dinner, call (or not) about an hour after you were supposed to meet, with a great excuse, like "Well I ran into my old boyfriend and he needed a hug cause he just broke up with his blah, blah, blah."

Or if you think that might end the relationship totally and your not really wanting that—yet—perhaps say,

"My mother died, again. But they resuscitated her again, so its OK. I miss you honey. Maybe we can get together for a coffee later on, like how about 2 weeks from Wednesday."

49. Say, "You’re a mindless sheep!" when he expresses his values

He started out as superficial and as unable to communicate as you, but then started to pick up books on relating and growth and he’s taken a workshop, one of the really open, honesty-is-the-only-way-to-heal ones, and now he wants to practice on you.

He wants to come out of the shell of fear he’s been tucked away in his whole life and tell you what’s important to him—and more than that, he’d like you to do the same!

"You know scrunchy rabbit," he begins, "I’d like to spend more time talking. Like what are your hopes and dreams for the future, because I feel like I don’t even know you."

You’re thinking, "That’s the whole point, stupid. If I wanted you to know me do you think I’d religiously follow 96 Ways to Avoid Intimacy?"

But you don’t say that to him. Look him straight in the eye in a resigned way and ask, "So what are you reading this week?"

If he continues on, that yes he has read a new book, but the reason he is talking about it is because it is something he already agreed with, just shake your head, resigned, and reply, "I knew it. You read another book."

50. Run the other way when someone shows honest interest

If someone actually sits in their chair while you carry on with your histrionics, listens without reacting, waits for you to settle down and then asks in a straightforward manner, "So what’s really going on for you?" Or worse yet, makes an astute observation, such as, "It sounds to me like you might want to address your relationship with your mother,"—you must respond quickly.

Immediately break into a tirade, maybe along the lines of, "Well, I think you have mother problems! AND, your shoes are a simply awful color!!!" Then turn on your heel, slam the door, and go find someone who doesn’t spoil the game with rational behavior.

51. Tell her you’re a social crack user

"Only on weekends" you tell her. Like its part of your diet plan to keep you in shape, because the crack gives you lots of energy and you don’t feel like eating. Better than Atkins!

If she challenges this habit, say "What, you don’t like my body?" or something equally absurd, linking the crack to part of an "alternative" health regimen.

52. Take your lover to an encounter group with lots of screaming and crying and join in

ACOA is a particularly good place to start, or any weekend workshop that is described as "intensive" or "experiential". Invite your rather conservative partner to this weekend, telling them it’s a 2-day Stanley Cup party, or something.

The trick is, the more repulsed he is by the heavily emotional scene, the more you get into it. Hell, take center stage and start rolling around the floor wailing like a baby, screaming, "Mama, oh mama, why’d you leave the room to go take Fluffy out of the dryer. Oh mama, you abandoned me, and Fluffy wasn’t even dry yet. OHHHH MAMA!!!"

Oh yea, groove to it, start pounding your fists on the ground, maybe even take a shot at the person who tries to hug you. They’ll understand it’s coming from a deep place.

This ought to freak out your date, and if he actually sticks around or ever tries to discuss this behavior with you, start repeating the rolling, screaming, crying thing from the workshop.

53. Never sleep with any person more than once

The first time is never that good really—what with trying to navigate through unfamiliar territory, and no guide map. So after the first lousy encounter, you ignore any connection you may have had on any other level, and just focus on the fact that you’re definitely not compatible in bed—and move on.

Conversely, if the sex is outrageously good, denounce him as a "player" and accuse him of using you.

54. Walk out in the middle of conversations for no reason

Of course, you’ll think of a reason if you ever see her again. And if she confronts you on this behavior, call her out for something pathetically trivial. Tell her, "You show me no respect. Do you think I am going to stand around and take it while you turn down the thermostat."

If she listens and motions to discuss this, sharply retort, "See, I can’t talk to you about anything. You misrepresent everything I say. You don’t listen to me."

Repeat these themes, or some variation thereof, and any real communication will have been neatly squashed.

55. Shoplift when you go out together

That’ll put her on edge when you go downtown together. It’s hard to have an intimate conversation when you know your partner might be handcuffed any minute.

57. Take him to a Hare Khrishna dinner

Tell him its simply some good vegetarian food, no big deal. As you enter the temple, a colorful slice of India, with the chanting, dancing and drumming, the sprinkling of water on heads, and swafting of incense, you look across the room at your boyfriend, because men and women are separated inside the temple.

Really get into it all, swaying and singing. Maybe fall down in an ecstatic swoon. Then, when the hour-long "talk" occurs where you sit on the floor around a Khrishna who gives a chauvinism laced speech, say "Wow, ya, right on!"

This will endear some. However, if he’s really into this misogynistic crap, he’s likely incapable of connecting with a woman in any case, so you’re safe.

58. Pretend you don’t know him in public

To continue on from the last strategy, when dinner at the temple is finally served, out of huge plastic buckets on the lawn outside, leave him alone while you go visit other people across the lawn.

If he picks up his plate and trundles over to you, setting down beside you with a smile, look at him with a somewhat strange sort of half-smile, and say, "Hi. What’s your name?"

When he assumes you must be joking and rolls his eyes smiling at you, look around at your dinner companions with a quizzical look as though, "Like wow man, what a weird dude. I ask his name and he rolls his eyes and smiles."

Play this out. If this doesn’t send him walking, you’ve got a persistent one on your hands.

59. Don’t bathe

It’s pretty difficult to carry on a conversation with someone, much less cuddle, if they smell like the sewage plant you took a field trip to in biology class.

 60. Mood swings

To flip the switch easily between happy-go-lucky meanderings and overtly psychotic behavior should be in everyone’s little toolbox of strategies. It’ll keep your date in such a state of anxiety that she’ll never know when you’re gonna blow.

According to the plan, she’ll steer far away from anything that might trigger you. Make sure that line is way out in the cosmos and you’ve assured yourself of meaningless communication for a long time to come.

61. Assume a position of intellectual superiority

If you like to throw around big words and complex, if irrelevant, ideas, choose someone who doesn’t—someone who likes to discuss comic books, soap operas and whether Boston Rob on "All-Star Survivor" deserves to win—someone who takes these issues to heart.

Discuss instead how Freud’s psychoanalytic terminology emphasizes the idea that the penis could not and does not play the role attributed to it in the classical terminology of the castration complex, for instance. This is sure to stymie further intercourse.

62. Break up

And frequently. It’ll sort of keep her off-balance, always wondering if she’s in a relationship or not. And she should be wondering that. She’s with you after all.

63. Always talk in riddles and sarcasm

You’re standing there talking circles around some poor fellow at church who’s caught in your convoluted web of words, when a hot guy approaches—the one you had coffee with the other day.

You say to him, "Wasn’t that building caught in the nebulas wild last night? Did you see it?" Hot guy looks at you strangely, and asks, "What?"

You respond straight-faced, "Actually it wasn’t a building, it was a lawn fertilizer." Then you laugh uproariously and add, "Just joking."

He looks at you like you’ve got gum in your ear, disabused thoroughly of any romantic notions.

64. Tell him you don’t like sex

If you’ve been on a few dates, and you like his company generally, but can tell he’s thinking of moving this into the romantic field, and you can see white picket fences dancing like sugar plums in his eyes, time to bring this one down with a swift kick. And nothing is swifter than the announcement, "I don’t really like sex that much. I have more important things to spend my time on than wasting it in bed—boom boom boom. Big deal."

He responds hopefully, "Maybe you just haven’t had very good partners?"

You assure him, "No, had hundreds of great lays, in fact, I don’t know that I’ve ever had a bad one." You laugh, "But really, I just have better things to do with my time." This’ll be as good as a permanent ice shower.

Alternately, you could wait until after you’ve been to bed a couple of times, and then just cut the quotient down to near-nil, followed by the above discourse. This is even better, because he's likely already hooked in, so you can continue the game, with the obsession over sex taking up all the conversation, so you’ll definitely have no time to really get to know each other.

65. Take everything personally

No matter what it is, take it personally. She tells you, for instance, she’s going to spend the day with a friend. Go on ahead and assume the worst! Ah yes, she is avoiding you because of that thing you said to the waiter about the soup the other night, or maybe it’s because you didn’t offer to wash the tea cups last week, or maybe AAGGHHHH!

And this is only the beginning. Now that you’ve established that nothing you do is right, and she is trying to get back at you, or get rid of you, you now intently pursue her to try and show her you’ve changed your ways, or to explain that you now understand and are sorry.

Or you can just go ahead and leave messages on her answering machines, multiples of messages, to the effect that you’re feeling really abandoned and would they please call. Heck, by the time you get through with your feelings around her having gone out with a friend, she’ll probably be so turned off, you can kiss her goodbye permanently.

66. Exhibit stunning paranoia

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THE CURTAINS OPEN? SHUT THEM!!!"

Let your eyes bulge and gleam, continuing, "Are you trying to get us killed," while peeking through the bottom corner of said curtain.

He glares at you. "What are you doing?"

"We don’t live in Mr. Rogers neighborhood for Christ’s sake," you answer.

He will be really wondering now, for he lives in a nice middle-class neighborhood.

Your nostrils flare at the intensity of an on-coming lightbulb moment. "That’s it! Perhaps Mr. Rogers is kept safe because of his magic slippers. Quick, give me your slippers!"

All the while, pace about madly, opening and slamming shut cupboard drawers, looking under the bed, start pushing big pieces of furniture against the door. Then, slip a pair of ratty slippers onto your feet, breath a sigh of relief, smile inanely, gurgle, "Ah safe now," and promptly curl up into a ball under the kitchen table and fall asleep. If this doesn’t make him think twice about wanting to connect with you, you’ve got a live one.

67. Be Unreliable

For instance, if you promise your date 96 recipes, only pass on 69. If she questions this, asking "Where’s the other 27?", shoot back, "You must be hearing things. Are you crazy?"

Turning any conversation around to remove yourself from the line of fire is a tried and true formula—as they say, the best defense is a good offense.

68. Expect the world

So we end where we began. Look back on your list, and don’t ever settle for less than perfection. If you meet someone who has thirty-two out of thirty-three items on your list—don’t settle. After all, you deserve the best.

Just save all the love, compassion and kindness inside of you for Mr. or Mrs. Right. Don’t waste it on the plebes who pass through your life. And when "The One" comes along, you can spurl and gurgle, let loose all the pent up passion and manifold gifts you’ve been safely hiding for all these years.

Uh, but these gifts of yours seem to have gotten a little tarnished over the years. Like, they weren’t used that much were they? But you present this ménage in all its decrepit glory to "The One". And what do they do?

Run like hell! These old gifts are so distorted they’re terrifying. But hey, you don’t really want intimacy anyway. You love the game—the intimacy avoidance game. And now you’re free again to continue playing. Have fun!

69. Conclusion

Sadly, even with all these handy strategies, there are still those who’ll find you appealing—they’ll love to hate you, and dedicate themselves to repairing you and fixing you right up.

In fact, if you ever got fixed up, they’d be gone. It takes one to love one, and since the fun is in the run, I hope these strategies spice up your game.

Of course there is the possibility that you may meet someone you really like. Then what do you do? Well, not to worry, I’m sure these patterns will be so ingrained by that time you’ll be powerless to remain even under the most tempting circumstances—free to repeat the same two-week cycle of "serious—this is the one...really!" relationships that keep you feeling so alive.

Warning

If you ever really want to let go of the intimacy avoidance game players, don’t run, don’t chase, be honest. They’ll be gone before you can say commi…