Nobody Can Eat Fifty Eggs
Editor’s Pick
JUNE 15, 2010 8:51AM

Baltimore's Spectacular Losers

The ship is taking on water.  Mutiny is in the wind. Overboard they flee.

I wish I could join them, release myself from this miserable season on the brink . But I am, and always will be a Baltimore Oriole. And I hope we lose 121  games this season.… Read full post »

One has reported on wars. The next one weaseled out of a war but started two more. And the last one made three war movies. That's about all they have in common--Helen Thomas, Dick Cheney and Dirty Harry. And they are all old and they are all white. And some strange,… Read full post »

It is always a great day when the mailbox opens and an unexpected package is waiting. Even if the package was sent by your spooky uncle who you haven't heard from in eight years. From the enclosed letter, it appears I made quite an impression on uncle spooky's… Read full post »

It rained for seven straight Mondays this week. From where I sit this week was the perfect storm of disappointment and misery. From the first lousy email on Monday to the next unsettling phone call on Monday to the last shitty

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It's all about the give and the take. After eight years of small town living, I finally figured that out. I gave up my anonymity when I moved here. And I must take a dart, once a month or so, throw it at the Oregon map and get the flock out… Read full post »

Two OS Open Calls: Twelve movies that you can watch over and over; Ten Questions from James Lipton answered in a word. Halfway through completing both Open Calls and well ino my third martini...something got lost in translation and there was a shift in stategy. I answered all the questions using… Read full post »

At 11:33 am the following post appeared on Open Salon.

MAY 14, 2010 11:33AM

Breaking Down

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There are about as many words in English as there are residents of Portland Oregon. On Monday about as many Portland women assembled for the local Boobquake as there are Portlanders who have coined or created a new word. The non-scientific answer is less than 4.0 on the Linguistic Richter Scale.… Read full post »

1) Had the honor of informing Traci Lords, Johnny Depp and some other pair of shoes under the bathroom stall door, "to take the Peruvian marching powder outside, other people need to use the shitter."

2) With my trusty Zippo, I reenacted the burning of the Pentagon while in my… Read full post »

APRIL 27, 2010 7:50PM

Sentenced Thrice

Served sixteen months for ripping the tag off a mattress.

Did nine months for not unloading or loading in a yellow zone in front of an airport.

Got a $11 billion bonus  and a Cabinet position for running Goldman Sachs into the ground. Read full post »

phase which followed the gigolo period which was just after the lecher era following the skirt chaser, wolf, rogue, libertine, Romeo, playboy and rake periods of development. This story is just one of many we are working on in the newsroom. It has been quite a news making week up here… Read full post »

only tell you how to make it. It doesn't even have a name yet. After that you are on your own. And please don't name any future kids after me should things get a bit amorous after downing this amazing concoction.


In a pint glass or shaker add a dozen… Read full post »

Today, the day after Tax Day is a charmed day. After Doris Day and National Talk Like a Pirate Day (Sep. 19), it is the most romantic day of the year. A day so full of passion, desire, overflowing in fact, that it needs the entire weekend for the ardor to… Read full post »

APRIL 16, 2010 12:34AM

Himalayan Cleavage and Brazilian Nuts

The airing of is inevitable when a bottle of single malt and two veterans of the FBI converge. I'm unofficially officially retired, while she is still serving. Since she splurged, I sit back, pour myself five fingers deep and give her the floor, the entire room, to ventilate. Seem… Read full post »

APRIL 10, 2010 1:24AM

101 Words.....Of Coarse

There's this writer I know. He's brilliant, insecure and vain. He's published. You've read him. He insists that each and every book of his must be bound in the thickest, coarsest grade of sandpaper--cover and back.

He's  competitive.

He challenges me.......all the time in fact, to most everyth… Read full post »

Start with one non-conformist with a distaste for parking meters.

Toss in 40 or so bored, tired and sweaty chain gang prisoners tired and bored from playing sweaty poker.

Add in one outrageous boast of gastronomic gluttony and cover all bets.

Sprinkle in every available cent in camp wagered, on the… Read full post »

APRIL 8, 2010 2:52AM

Lost Wallet

I didnt have much on you--a movie card, an expired debit card and some receipts from Jiffy Lube--that's it and 295 dollars in cash.  I go through the phone book and the internet to track you down and return the wallet, the money to the host. But, you can't be found--anywhere,… Read full post »

APRIL 2, 2010 11:42PM

Born Again in the USA

         "How do you guys not hear this?"

        "How are you not seeing this?", the voice pleads and proclaims.


It's Glenn Beck's voice, and like a narcoleptic nymphomaniac battling nocturnal emissions, he has awa… Read full post »