It is always a great day when the mailbox opens and an unexpected package is waiting. Even if the package was sent by your spooky uncle who you haven't heard from in eight years. From the enclosed letter, it appears I made quite an impression on uncle spooky's taste buds from the last family reunion and BBQ picnic I whipped up, and he wants my recipes for a large picnic and rally he is hosting.
There is also computer software in the package plus some small town newspaper clippings with photos of him receiving an award or plaque. The software is called the Word Pro Scrambler and Converter 2112. A post-it from uncle spooky reads "when your ready to send me the recipes just load the disc than click on the blinkin flag before you start typing and it does all the rest." From the manual I learn the Word Pro 2112 is a sophisticated language converter that can enhance or limit the vocabulary, usage and syntax depending upon the targeted reader or communication. Uncle Spooky has sent me the disc which accepts the over 400,000 words we have in English then reduces and reinterprets those words to express a similar meaning using less then 2,000 words. He always joked that I used too many fifty cent, Ivy covered words that never made a lick of sense.
I find my old BBQ and picnic recipes and I slide the disc in the computer. Now I know for sure that my uncle is not skilled enough in the kitchen or on the barbeque to handle these recipes that demand all fresh organic produce and the highest quality poultry and beef available along with sauces and marinades that entail such attention to detail and patience that I wonder if someone is catering the event or he's poaching my recipes and selling them to some ribs joint along the highway. But he is family, and and even though my mom, his sister, has confirmed and relayed to me that he is now a full-on member of the Tea Party, a Teabagger, I will still deliver to him his request.
I decide to open the letter with a joke, an icebreaker, hell it's been eight years. A joke about pussy, my uncle enjoys pussy, I've heard him joke about it--told a bit obtusive, heapingly awkward and brazenly backwoods, but truth be told...our lone common denominator. I click on the "blinkin" American flag, the Word Pro Scrambler and Converter 2112 spins and hums...I type.
Hey unc--Long time man. Got your letter and disc, it's on right now. Hey do you know how many cats it takes to screw in a light bulb? Answer: None, are you fucking nuts, cats have paws, they can't grab a lightbulb. If you really can't see, just douse a cat in gasoline and light it then you'll have plenty of light. Hope that wasn't too racy for your unc, maybe the converter will clean it up. Here's that picnic recipe you wanted, its pretty darn complex lots of ingredients and preparation.
Get a loaf of white bread and a biggest jar of mayo. Put lots and lots of mayo on the slices of bread after you have taking them out of the package. Put turkey or chicken (only white meat chicken) on the mayo which is on the bread then put another piece of bread on the top to make a sandwich. But don't ever put chicken and turkey together they don't get along.
Get a bunch of white potatoes and remove all color with peeler. Put in boiling pan, boil potatoes. Grab biggest jar of mayo. Let pototoes cool and chop them up and add lots and lots of mayo. O yea, if you like potatoe salad spicy chop up onion and add to. O yea if you want to use a different veggie then potatoes like macaroni, than you can use macaroni. I forgot about the salt, add as much salt as you like, no pepper.
For desert vanilla pudding. Don't know how to make it but I know the eyewhole where it is at Wal-Mart.
One more thing for the picnic basket one gallon of homodesanitized pastureyesd 100% whole milk.
BS. I forgot to say to get your buck knife out and cut off all the crusts from the sandwiches you made. Make sure you put your knife in the picnic basket when you go.
BS. Sometimes I like to use the fancy mayo the Mircale Wimp stuff. You can use it if you want to use it.