It is before noon for me, and today has already drifted into a bittersweet mess. First, I wrote the blurb below, as an immediate reaction to some negative comments on my post “The Pregnancy Cult.”
Irrational.
I know this welling sense of fear and panic is just that. Completely irrational. And yet, it’s there.
This morning, I received two comments on an old post “The Pregnancy Cult” from two women who seem to be very confused souls. Their comments are directed at the corporate structure of “Big Salon” and the need for balanced journalism on pro-life issues. I don’t care about this at all. I am an individual person with just a loose affiliation with Salon, having my young blog housed on a hosting site merely owned by Salon to garner occasional free content.
So, why do these women keep referring to me as “she.” What do I have to gain by “making it all up” as one said. I never claim any type of journalist standards. I am not a reporter. I am merely retelling portions of my own very personal experiences.
So, why am I panicking then? Because they mentioned taking issue with my writing under a pseudonym.
I am in a state of near hysteria because there is a sliver of a chance these women will get it in their head that I need to be “outed.” I peeked at the website of one of these women, and she seems to make it into a game – revealing the identity and backgrounds of those who disagree with her point of view.
My reasons for being anonymous are simple. I want to be free to tell the truth, not pulling any punches on the harder to tell details. However, the biggest reason for my relative anonymity is to protect my children. That is something that everyone should be able to understand.
It would be easy for my ex-husband or another violent ex to find me. I’m sure they would feel betrayed and angry at my putting information about this out for all to see. These are not “nice” people, and I truly fear for what could happen in that situation. I know, it’s irrational. It would take a series of coincidences and someone culling through my posts with a fine tooth comb then just the right people googling just the right things, but if all the stars aligned just right, it is entirely possibly to find my identity.
I shouldn’t worry. But I do. And, quite frankly, I am so scared. These women would do it to fulfill their own agenda, but seem to have no regard for the fact that I am a real human being with bigger concerns than being their pro-choice whipping girl of the day.
But then, I found that one of the sources in an upswing in the views of that post was due to a post made by a blog called Feministe. I was flattered to say the least. The comments below were encouraging and well-spoken, but it was an odd feeling to sit back and read as people tried to analyze me. I saw individuals pulling a little from here and a little from there to try to find out my background, if I was telling the truth and what my agenda was. It definitely put me out of sorts. I made a comment on the blog, but was easily frustrated as the comment was “pending moderation” as more comments were made questioning my veracity. I sat at my desk, wanting to scream, “It’s the TRUTH!” But it would just upset my co-workers and do no good what so ever.
Then, I found another post on a blog called Blue Collar Philosophy, which began by saying I was a part of a pro-choice feminist movement and I should have brought a camera with me when I went “undercover” at the Pregnancy Resource Center. I tried to write a non-biased comment on that post as well, just to clarify a few items, but it seemed to disappear into the blogosphere and not post. Perhaps it is “pending moderation” as well. Oh wait… small update, the comment was posted and a note was added that he entirely missed my “honestly” being in an abusive relationship. Really, is there a need for the quotes around the word honestly?
It has been unnerving to see myself in this light, and quite frankly, I don’t like it. While there are distinct agnostic and pro-choice undertones to the piece, it was never meant to speak out for any such segment. It was about reaching out for help in the wrong places. It is about the struggle a domestic violence victim goes through to find someone who will listen.
I no longer am worried, as I was in my initial reaction, about being “outed,” but rather I am concerned about the point being missed and my motives questioned. And, above all, much like the new rape crisis campaign – Start By Believing would be an excellent way to approach my posts here.
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Lucinda Bliss
Constant Calliope
Survivant
PatienceP
DH Austin
Lesley Clark
Salon.com
Comments
The pro-life side has been victimized for years by anonymous anecdotes like yours about allegedly "evil" PRCs. A few years back, Planned Parenthood kicked off a legislative campaign against PRC's by circulating through a mass-email a story about how an unnamed PRC in Indianapolis had been waging a campaign of harassment and intimidation against a girl in high school. An investigation proved the allegations to be false, but PP continued to use the hoax in its literature to slur all PRC.
NARAL is currently conducting a nationwide campaign against PRCs. They attend hearings, make anonymous allegations but provide no proof. In the coming months, you will find that your post will be used as Exhibit A in their legislative campaign.
You say your allegations are true and that your intent was to recount a single incident involving an individual at a single PRC. You make the allegations anonymously, as is your right. But it is all the right of your readers to express skepticism and distrust of your facts and your motives. In the same way you do not believe every anonymously posted story on the Internet, neither do most pro-lifers.
Please, crying out that the anti-abortionists have been victimized by anyone is laughable! PRCs have notoriously been anti-women and yet get state and federal funding, while Planned Parenthood is facing the risk of being de-funded despite their overall woman's health mandate. Darla has bravely shared her story of survival and how when she found someone who was in a position of being able to help her, they victim-blamed instead and all you want to do is shame her for not breaking her anonymity? Even though doing that would put her and her children in danger? It's really true that being "pro-life" stops once the baby is born.
Darla, thank you so much for sharing all of your stories. You are an incredible woman, of amazing strength and I wish you and your family the best!
As someone who has experienced more than my fair share of abuse, I am happy to answer questions, which I have happily done when ask, but I can not help but be entirely disgusted by this pervasive mentality, thinking that is excusable to treat me like less than a human being. I mean really... do you more have respect for an unnamed, unborn fetus than you do a 28 year old women who has been through hell and back at the hands of the people she has trusted the most in the world? What ever happened to having some dignity is discourse, compassion for all and humility to admit when you have made a horrible mistake at crucifying someone unjustly?
You are simply assuming everything that an anonymous person says on the Internet is true. I don't, and no one should. Whether Darla's story is "brave" depends entirely on whether it is true, something neither you nor I could possibly confirm.
You yourself are just making up facts about what ALL PRCs do, a generalization that even Darla has purported to avoid. I've volunteered in a couple, and neither would ever consider siding with an abusive spouse. Some PRC's offer shelter for women to escape abusive spouses, boyfriends or parents, who are often pressuring them to abort against their will.
The statistics regarding federal funding of Planned Parenthood vs PRC are publicly available, as is information regarding legislative and litigation initiatives against the various organizations. If you'd like to have a meaningful discussion on that topic, you might consider citing the relevant facts and figures next time.
But very well, two can play the sympathy game. I went to Planned Parenthood last week 30 weeks pregnant -- and they gave me a secret abortion pill when all I wanted was a sonogram! And all the pro-choice blogs laughed at me! Only the pro-lifers showed me any love
:(
Remember -- it's on the Internet, so it must be true!!!
It sounds like you have already deemed Darla to be a fraud. If, a very, very big if, Darla (apologies Darla, for talking about you as if you weren't present and for speaking in hypotheticals!) turned out to be misrepresenting herself then you could pat yourself on the back for your pitbull-like tenacity but do you really want to be the person who immediately doubts all accounts of abuse? You are proving to subscribe to ideologies that render you to be an enabler, an abuse apologist and a victim-blamer.
Given the many non-anonymous records of extreme harassment, propaganda and violence that the pro-choice activists have suffered at the hands of some anti-choicers, not to mention the component of fundamental Christianity in Darla's post I do not have a hard time believing her experience with the PRC. How nice to live in a world where nothing like what Darla has experienced could happen! Your lack of compassion and your cynicism sicken me. I shudder to think of you dealing with abuse survivors.
You sicken me. I know your type. You do nothing real for anyone -- your "charity" consists of cyberhugs and pseudo-heroism but you never spend a dime or a minute to give real assistance to someone in need. Those of us who devote our lives and our incomes to it can spot you online phonies in a second.
Guess what? A person who has endured the abuse Darla claims -- men threatening her with knives, to throw her over the balcony, or to throw her kid to wild dogs or into a fireplace -- aren't really going to be hurt by blog comments. You're quite delusional if you believe otherwise. You know nothing about real abused or abused women.
So you buy the story because it sounds so true, based on your non-experience with abused women and your bigoted stereotypes of Christians. I don't. You believe PRCs insist that women stay with men who threaten to stab/throw/burn/feed them to dogs, along with their children? You believe that Darla informed the PRC of these homicidal threats and they didn't care? Fine. Stay in your make-believe cyber-world - the real world is safer with you there.
Incidentally, she gave me permission to post this here because she was afraid of the cruelty that "Elizabeth" might heap upon her.
Because she has experience in volunteering for a couple of anti-abortion clinics, and they would never do anything like what's been described here, she's skeptical. Except that she isn't skeptical; she's mean, hateful, sarcastic, and cruel.
Have to understand, though, that this is probably just her worldview in play. She is a warrior against nothing less than genocide. Compromise, compassion for the murderers, even a recognition of common ground: these are unacceptable for a holy warrior.
As someone who criticized an anti-abortion clinic, Darla has shown herself (in Elizabeth's view) to be The Enemy. Satan, Darla, Anthony Weiner... they're all the same. They are baby-killers. Elizabeth can't draw any more nuance than that, and to be fair, in her worldview, she doesn't have to. I don't say this to attack Elizabeth. I say this because I grew up in a fundamentalist church and used to believe it. I recognize in her anger all the people with whom I grew up.
Actually, Elizabeth and I should trade states. As soon as I finish my doctorate (should be less than a year now), I'm getting out of Georgia. The pervading milieu in the Northeast would probably be my cup of tea, and Elizabeth might mellow out a bit if she could hang out down here in this bastion of the Bible Belt rather than up there with those liberals.
I know, Darla, that I'm doing exactly what you don't like. Unfortunately, that's the nature of Internet commentary, I think. We go out, insult each other, check back for responses, and score "points" for our sides. Other people are on the end of those anonymous handles? Eh, collateral damage. Sad, isn't it?
I'm so sorry you had to suffer through a relationship with one of those psychopathic men who feels entitled to torment women because it makes him feel powerful. I'm even sorrier that when you reached out for help you did so to people who feel entitled to torment women because they feel holy and heroic 'saving babies'.
It would sure be nice if people stopped assigning the rest of humanity to be the 'audience' or the 'bit-part players' in their personal ego dramas. Maybe then we could all actually help each other survive the fact that life is sometimes really crappy.
Please ignore the sniping of "Northeast Elizabeth", who claims your using a pseudonym is evidence you're not credible, even though you're explained your excellent reasons, and then signs her comment with a pseudonym. If Northeast actually is a she -- we have absolutely no reason to believe a word 'she' says.
Please resist the pressure to reveal your identity to 'prove' you're authentic. It seems to me that tactic is identical to those used by your abusive ex.
Since you continued both your pregnancies, you're unlikely to receive death threats, at least. Small blessing when it comes to honesty in the reproductive rights world.
Since you continued both your pregnancies, you're unlikely to receive death threats, at least. Small blessing when it comes to honesty in the reproductive rights world.