The last year has been a big year of wonderful changes for me. But, also, my relationship with my parents has completely disintigrated. This is a conversation depicting the last year with my relationship with my parents in retrospect. Most of the truly outrageous things said are direct quotes.

Us (Me and My Husband): Oh my god! We have such exciting news! We’re pregnant!

Darla’s Mom: WTF!? Why the hell didn’t you ask my permission beforehand? Don’t you realize how this is going to affect my life?

*Darla’s mom runs to bathroom to vomit.*

Darla’s Dad: Your mom is in a deep depression over all this. Why can’t you think about her feelings?

Darla’s Husband: Hello? Does anyone know I’m in the room?

*Darla’s mom returns.*

Darla’s Mom: Does he even know how to raise children?

Darla: He is a stay at home dad and has raised a baby before. Why is this even an issue?

Darla’s Husband: Hellooooo? I’m right here!

Darla: You’re causing so much stress that I ended up in the ER with a near miscarriage.

Darla’s Dad: You’re making your mother upset.

Darla’s Mom: Well, I ended up in the ER too – my legs hurt and I can’t control my diabetes. But, it’s all your fault.

Darla’s Dad: And I ended up in the ER too. I could have another heart attack. All your fault. Oh, and I never said your mom was in a deep depression. Just by the way.

Darla: Ok… but, how about apologizing for acting all crazy?

Darla’s Mom: I have nothing to apologize for. You should apologize for getting married and having another baby. And, oh, by the way, your dad just had heart surgery. It’s your fault. But, he’s doing better than he has in years. Just what he needed!

Darla’s Dad: I’m not listening. La la la la! I’m not listening.

Darla: Please just leave me alone if you people can’t be rational. Stop calling me.

Darla’s Mom: You just don’t understand. You need to take responsibility for being a bad daughter. How dare you ask us to apologize for anything ever. We’re awesome parents. Why should we apologize when we haven’t done anything wrong.

Darla’s Husband: Seriously? This is crazy. You people need to apologize to both of us. Here, let me count the ways…. (Enumeration with date and conversation details of all the wrongs.)

Darla’s Mom: How dare you say something so level-headed! I’m going to sue you for verbal assault. Oh, look at the pretty flowers.

Darla: Stop! Just stop! Leave me alone!

Darla’s Mom: Darla, look at all the pretty flowers! Look! And, oh, by the way – our doctor’s say we shouldn’t talk to you because you’re evil. But, oh look here at all the pretty flowers.

Darla’s Husband: Why won’t you just leave Darla alone?

Darla’s Mom: Because I miss screwing with her head of course. She’s mine, all mine, damnit. *evil cackle*

Darla: Leave me alone! Leave me alone!

Darla’s Mom: You know, your baby could die. Remember that bad miscarriage you had. Still births happen all the time. Have you felt the baby move lately? I’m sure you just thought you felt the baby move. It’s probably too late.

Darla: Stop it! Stop it!

Darla’s Mom: You’re such a horrible parent. You’re abusing your son by not letting him see us. He’s going to grow up hating you. I’m going to show up at your house 4am to see him.

Darla: *crying* Just please leave me alone.

Darla's Dad: I’ve been quiet long enough.Why aren't you being more considerate of how ill I am?

Darla: But, mom said you were feeling great and doing more than you had in years.

Darla’s Dad: So? She lied. I know you’re trying to kill me. And, I want to know why.

*Stunned silence*

Darla’s Dad: Do you have nothing to say, you cold, distant and cruel person? You’re an ingrate and horrible human being, Darla. Now, why are you trying to kill me?