In early September, the day before my youngest son was due, I was supposed to face off with my ex-husband in mediation. I received a notice in the mail, which fortunately had a footnote that read – if there is a safety issue or history of family violence, call this number. I called the freaking number within seconds.  And, so, it was put off. We would skip mediation and go straight to court, where there are metal detectors and people there to protect me.  I was told there would be a few months delay to reschedule. So, I tried not to think about it.

I filled out the appropriate affidavit to not have my address released. Twice, in fact, since the first one did not have enough detail to substantiate the claim. Me and my vagueness. I saw the first two rounds of trying to serve him prove fruitless via the county courts website, but then - he was served and my court date was mailed to me.

It is tomorrow. Tomorrow. Tomorrow, I will see, for the first time in nearly three years, him. I hate him. I’ve been told that hatred is not healthy in this situation. That I should merely let go of any feelings toward him – not let him rent out space in my head. And, I think I did let it go for a while. But somehow, seeing first hand what a real husband and father looks like makes me hate him all the more.

I no longer have that feeling that he cheated me out of a happy life and family. I felt that way for a long time. I felt I was a broken person, who didn’t deserve a family or happiness or anything else. His mother once told me that since her son had treated me so badly, and I had a previous relationship that was violent, the only common denominator in the situation was me, so it must have been something I was doing. Part of me believed her.

Everything going on at home and with my husband has distracted me from what was bound to be a count down to this date, but now here it is. Tomorrow.

The Attorney General’s Office is bringing him to court for child support arrears. He paid routinely for over year, but then the money just stopped. 25% of my income just disappeared one day because he needed more money for alcohol, cigarettes and drugs. He has no bills to speak of - living with his girlfriend’s family, his car being paid for by his mother, and his phone bill being paid by the girlfriend. I think I wouldn’t have minded so much, if I had just been given a heads-up. Just a text message saying, “Sorry. No more $ for the kid.” After a year of not receiving a dime, his employer finally decided (upon threats from the attorney general’s office) to garnish a little bit of his wages. Sure, I’m only getting 10-15% of what I was getting before and it’s sporadic, but it does help a little.

Being in the fundraising business, I once sent him an email that said something along the lines of: For $5 per day, the baby has diapers. For $10 per day, I will pay for 1 hour of child care. For $25 per week, he will eat a healthy dinner every night. I sent this along with an itemized accounting for every penny I was given in child support to show that not only was I using the money directly on the kid, but it wasn’t even close to covering the full cost of raising a child. That never made an impact. I was still “the gold-digger who should be shot.”

And, so, tomorrow. Tomorrow will not be about the times I was locked in the house with cameras watching me or any of the violence and threats toward me or “our” child, but rather – about how he has a financial responsibility to help me raise my oldest son. And, if he does not want to do that, there is someone who my son calls “daddy” who would be more than happy to step into that role legally as well.

My one big fear, though, is that as some semi-defensive twitch, my ex-husband will demand visitation. But, we will just have to see tomorrow.