I think my mother in law just gave me "the talk.” You know, that talk from parent to child that is always awkward, occasionally informative, and never what you would call a cherished moment. I don’t even know how the conversation got there, and by the end of it – I wasn’t sure if she was trying to save me, by asking me to accept Jesus as a my lord and savior, or if she was really trying to tell me the appropriate way for my husband (her son) and I to express our love for each other.

Somewhere near the beginning of the conversation, she made the statement: I hate the word sex. And, followed it up by telling me how sex is represented on tv makes it seem like an assembly line process. It somehow ended up with her telling me that during a woman's period, her husband should focus on what’s between the her legs,  using scented lotions and chocolate (ummm… yuck!) instead of focusing on what is between his. I was more than happy to inform her that her son quite frequently has an intense focus on mine, thank you very much.

But, somehow this ended with her telling me how she and her husband now make love is by just a fleeting smile across the room. I know she meant it as something sweet, but I found that statement to be profoundly depressing. Sprinkled amongst the conversation where random mentions of Eve eating the apple, God’s plan for married couples, Jesus wanting me to be happy and Satan tempting teenage boys through HBO. And yet, in the end – it was the “smiling across the room” tidbit that stuck.

My husband and I have a grand plan for our old age. Since the highest rate of new cases of STD’s are being found in the geriatric crowd, especially in nursing homes, we have a theory that nursing homes are the over-70 version of a swingers clubs with Alzheimer’s and arthritis drug-fueled shenanigans of all sorts. We will rule on high as old folks, overseeing pill-popping, wrinkle-filled orgies that, according to statistics, will be herpe-tastic.

With grand plans like these, I somehow doubt that we will be limited to fleeting smiles across the room. I’m sure we’ll still be sneaking into the not-so-dark corners of public places for a quickie, giving/getting road-head and keeping a dresser full of “toys” by the bed until we both die of mid-coital heart attacks.

When dating, I always gave the same speech when it came to sex – my own little version of “the talk” for potential suitors. Sex is a playground. It’s meant to be fun, silly, goofy, messy and giggly. If you look like you’re taking yourself too seriously – you’re doing it wrong. Just like a kid at a new playground – you should feel a excited and giddy, trying out all the new and different equipment, bring your own toys to play with too – making the experience all the more fun, and every possibility is open.

Sure, this is meant as a statement on casual sex. But, along with the passionate, loving sex you have with that person you love so much, throw in some crazy, giggly, kinky fun along with it. So, then, that smile across the room – is merely foreplay.

Now, to give my mother in law MY talk, or not? Maybe I’ll put that off until the next time she decides to grab my boobs or call me sexy… shouldn’t have to wait long for that unfortunately.