What I Remember

Trying to Tell the Truth about a Life Well Pretended

telsum1

telsum1
Bio
I am trying to tell the truth, my truth. This isn't fiction, although I often wish it was. I'm also quite sure that my mother remembers it all differently, but that's for her to deal with. ~~~~~~~~Disclaimer~~~~~~~~~ Since the Cartouche/O'Really thing caused such controversy, I just want to say that I have another OS identity. Don't bother trying to guess, neither "me" is very popular. I'm not trying to fool anybody, I even put it in my first post. It's just that my family, friends and co-workers read my other blog, and... well read a few posts and you'll understand why. I realize that this is technically a violation of the OS TOS, and if they need to they can terminate my account. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I'm not doing this for ratings, I'm not looking for attention, and I'm not ever going to comment or PM or form any personal connection as telsum1. It's not just that it would be weird, but I cannot allow this part of me to "make friends" or get invested in what anybody thinks. That would only make it all the more difficult to say what I have to say. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ If I make you a favorite it means that something about you made me think you might understand. The idea that anything from this blog might ever be featured as an EP or on the cover pretty much makes me want to puke, and I hope to God that I'm flying far enough under the radar that I won't ever have to face that as reality. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I am trying to heal, and so far, this is the only safe way I have found to share my story. All I can say is that sometimes bravery requires extreme anonymity. Please understand.

MY RECENT POSTS

MY RECENT COMMENTS

Telsum1's Links

Posts
APRIL 1, 2010 3:32AM

Family Fictions

“How’s your Mom?” That’s what they always ask, the old friends I run into on Facebook or at the reunion.

“She’s a fat horny bitch!!” the voice in my head screams. But I know it’s not their fault. They just bought our family fictions. They believed the… Read full post »

6 Comments
JANUARY 25, 2010 10:16PM

Home

So tired today 
Weary to my bones 
Still, you don't expect to be bright and bon vivant 
So far away from home

So far away from home 
Wherever home is
I don't know anymore

But that doesn't stop me 
Stop me from wanting it 
Home that is

The words… Read full post »

12 Comments
JANUARY 22, 2010 8:31PM

Please Help Me Hate Her

Please help me hate her. Pour your hatred over me like a bucket of boiling water. Wash away the stain, the stain that dwells inside of me. It seeps through my skin from the inside out. I try to wash it away, cover it up, but it bleeds through my clothing… Read full post »

19 Comments
JANUARY 9, 2010 12:57AM

On Bathtubs and Battlegrounds

At first it seemed normal enough. Every mother bathes her child. But even then, when I was young, I knew there was something. I knew.

Something in the way her fingers would linger just a bit too long on certain parts of my body. Something in the thoroughness of her… Read full post »

11 Comments
JANUARY 6, 2010 6:13PM

What's In a Name?

I wish that I had never asked. I don’t even know why I did. I suppose I was just at that age… ten or eleven, when girls start to wonder. Still, each time I replay it in my head, I wish that I could stop myself… grab my arm… tell that… Read full post »

13 Comments
JANUARY 5, 2010 7:57PM

Battling Pandora

She’s a fierce opponent. She won’t be silenced. She cannot be named.

I try… oh how I try.

“Name her” I say to myself. “Call her anger, desire, abuse, fear, confusion, bullshit…” Call her anything, but just name her so you can put her back in the box… Read full post »

5 Comments
JANUARY 5, 2010 7:32PM

I'm doing this all wrong

I'm doing this all wrong and I know it. Nobody in their right mind would read this stupid blog. Some very nice and encouraging comments came in, but I didn't respond. I couldn't. I can't chat... I can't form a connection, I can't go comment on your blogs... I can't get… Read full post »

5 Comments
JANUARY 5, 2010 1:30PM

On Brothers and Battleships

My brother liked to draw
He made intricate pencil sketches
World War II battleships, aircraft carriers, tanks and airplanes
Every detail perfectly rendered, right down to the last rivet 

He presented them to my mother
She hung them on the refrigerator
She beamed with pride 

Then one day he dre… Read full post »

5 Comments
JANUARY 5, 2010 12:21AM

What I Remember

What I remember begins in the dining room.
I am small, maybe 2?
My mother is angry, I don’t know why.
I want her to hold me, but she won’t.

I stand in the middle of the empty floor, arms outstretched.
Hold me, love me, tell me it will be OK.
It makes her angrier.
I scream,… Read full post »

4 Comments
JANUARY 4, 2010 10:32PM

First Post - Do I Have the Courage to Go Down this Road?

I have posted on OS for some time under a different name. But now I need to tell the truth. I need to tell someone.

I don't know if I will really be able to muster the courage to do this or not.  Can I somehow find the strength to commit… Read full post »

6 Comments