(disclaimer: I don't really hate these people, but "Cooking for a 100 People That for the Most Part You Feel Somewhat Ambivalent About and Are Relatively Certain that 25 of Them Have Outstanding Warrants and 1 Might Be a Serial Killer" is a bit wordy)
Eight years ago my husband and I founded a for profit social organization. We hold eight dances a year for this organization. Daniel and I take care of all the details. He provides the music and lighting (he's been in that business for over twenty five years), I do set up and tear down, table dressing, decor, cleaning, and FOOD.
While cleaning the downstairs pit I ran across several books I bought around the time we started these dances. I had purchased these in hopes that they could provide me with some practical inspiration. There was Crockpots of Love, Casseroles So Good, They'll Make the Congregation Backslide, and If Daddy's Not Paying, a Bride's Last Bitter Chance at a Dream Reception, also The Kama Sutra, and the ambitious Puff Pastry Swans and Beyond... None of these books ever came in handy, in fact one of them caused cramping. They were written for people that were trying to please, or at least impress those they were feeding. It occurred to me that what I really needed was How to Cook for 100 People You Hate, Feed Them Cheaply While Keeping Fatalities Low.
Since this tome is not available (yet - give me the word and I'll do a treatment), I will share some of the lessons that I have learned along the way:
- Eggsalad - not an option. Boiling ten dozen eggs carries a huge non-monetary price. Your house will reek for a week. Your car will reek for a week. Your husband will reek for a week. Not to mention, as the evening wears on, your confidence in not killing the majority of your guests wanes.
- Bread - people don't respect it and yet they expect it. Bread products are expensive. I hate to buy bread for an event. Sometimes it costs more than the "meat" (you don't want to know why I put that in quotes) product. After our disastrous "Naked Weenie" event (men are so literal) , I just pick a menu without bread. Let them eat cake. Which brings me to this:
- Cake - drunk people don't eat cake. They cut off the edges, bring it back to their tables and smash it into the floor. Staining, unnaturally bright colored frosting just encourages this behavior. I'm not sure why this is the case, I'm assuming that alcohol makes our members think they're ants.
- Skewers - for the love all all that's holy, don't serve anything presented on skewers. Your less sophisticated guests will jab the thing to the back of their throats resulting in spewing. The rest of your guests will drop the skewers on the floor and jab their feet with them as they're stomping the frosting. And as much fun as it is to see your guests injuring themselves, you'll be the one cleaning up the party blood and vomit.
- Pretzels - nothing screams we're cheap bastards louder than pretzels. They make your guests angry. They will gather a handful, take them back to their table and smash them into to floor.
- Individually wrapped anything - sounds like a good idea, it isn't. It doesn't matter if a guest doesn't want what's inside, he will have a burning need to prove to his tablemates that he can open the packaging. Then he will deposit both the contents and the wrapper on the ground and stomp it. Chocolate Kisses are particularly dangerous. People are attracted to the shiny foil and fond childhood memories. They will grab handfuls, unwrap them all, and then roll the foil into tiny, broom defying balls.
- Coffee - I know what you're thinking, that coffee isn't that big of a deal. I learned my lesson the hard way. I served coffee at one dance. I bought Folgers coffee, half and half, sugar, and pink stuff. At different times during the event, I had coffee geeks complain to me about the non-complexity of a mass produced coffee product. I had people complain to me that I didn't offer a variety of milk products. I had people complain to me that I didn't have the yellow stuff. And the tea people, MY GOD THE TEA PEOPLE. I can tell you this much about them, apparently green tea doesn't do anything for bitchiness. My suggestion to you about coffee is to deny all knowledge. If someone requests coffee, just raise your eyebrows and say "cough fee, you kids and your whacky new drinks".
- Pens - People will not care if you are covered in muck up to your elbows, especially men that think they have the slightest chance of getting a woman's number, they will expect you scrape yourself off swiftly and find them a pen. To avoid this, I put pens in the salad. Not really, but don't think that I haven't been tempted.
- Punch - no. Unless you mean punching the guests., then - yes. People are incapable of pouring a cup of punch. They are capable of pouring a ladle of punch on the floor and do so repeatedly with glee.
- Chocolate Fountain - HAHAHAHA HAHAHA HAHAHHAAA HAHAHA -no.
What should you serve? One word: NACHOS. Yes nachos. Everyone understands them. Chips, jalapenos, and some sort of cheese product of questionable origins. Nothing is better. Set up the ol' Nesco, dump in the cheez, and watch them come to the troff. Just rename them and they become perfect for any occasion: Wedding reception? Circle of Love Crisps with a Golden Sauce of Commitment. Beach Party? Beach Balls with Sunshine Sauce. Mardi Gras? Doubloons and Show Em' Sauce. 80's Flashback? Crispy Shoulder Pads with Ohmygod! Sauce. As you can see, this isn't hard.
My recipe for nachos for the masses:
3 huge ass cans of weird cheese
4 huge ass bags of tortilla chips
1 huge ass can of jalapenos
Open huge ass cans of weird cheese (make sure to complain about the can opener), dump contents in a Nesco. Turn on Nesco. You will spend a good amount of time messing with the dial on the Nesco throughout the night. Alternate between the might as well be off position and making the cheese black position.
Open huge ass bags of tortilla chips and place in a covered container (make sure to mutter about how no one will put the lid back on container resulting in the chips getting stale but they deserve it because people are so freakin' stupid that they can't figure out why you'd put the chips in a covered container in the first place).
Open huge ass can of jalapenos (complain again about can opener). Stick in spoon (remember to smile evilly as you realize how many people will go home with heartburn).
Enjoy.
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Tom King
Mature Student
Beth Mann
Linda Seccaspina
Saturn Smith
HenryR
Salon.com
Comments
Do you know how hard it is to type through the tears your laughing out? Seriously?
This is GENIUS. Absolute genius!
....Puff Pastry Swans and Beyond.....LOL!
Well, no actually, real cheese is the best, but there's no point in bringing that out for a bunch of people who would prefer to use it for table finger flick football...
And I've learned today that based on my tea choices, I'm a yuppie loser bitch. No, wait, I knew that from before, too.
How To Care For Kinky Troll
-Do not fall asleep before she does
-She prefers tea to coffee
-She loves blue cheese dressing on everything--and by "Everything", I mean Everything
-Do not put knickers on her (she gets ugly)
-DO NOT, DO NOT let her near the mini-bar
-Do lick her feet
-Keep the hole in her foot clean
-Don't mention lifestyle parties
-Don't let her see your nipples
Kinky in my motel room here.
I could give you links to Tequila's Troll pages, but if I did, she would hurt me. bad.
especially us TEA people, since coffee makes us talk too fast, and then gives us some kind of a light-headed feeling like from eating too much sugar. Until we get a headache on the weekend.
Much better just to get a mainline injection of hysteria, and laugh it all off, without all of the caffeine and adrenaline cursing through our veins.
Earl Grey. Is that really too much to expect?
I'll need to provide, Earl Grey, Darjeeling (and I guess I need to toss in some Oolong then), Irish Breakfast, Caravan, oh and English Breakfast. Then I need to explore the caffeine free things. Then I need sugar, both packets and cubes, pink stuff, yellow stuff, raw stuff, and organic honey. Am I missing anything? Oh yes, a bat for whacking.
I stalk the trolls on eBay. I have big ol' issues.
The most current of my troll pics is here: http://www.flickr.com/photos/tequilaanddonuts/2708416376/ , it may, or may not be SFW.
For more information about trolls or bashing of tea drinkers' heads, visit your local library. Remember ::insert four tone theme here:: DEVEN CARES.
I found this through Lisa Romero's post today. OMG LOL!
The whole thing was great, but the "sub-title" was brilliant. Need to read more of you.
When feeding drinking people at a party, it is best to serve to the lowest common demoninator. I vividly remember getting fancy and putting ice rings decorated with real cranberries into the tequila punch. All night, people were fishing these out of their plastic cups with their fingers and depositing them where they stood. We found cranberries all over the house the next day.
Better to have served tequila and doughnuts. It was a swell party tho...
rated and thanks for recovering! Love your voice!
(PS I not only collected trolls as a little girl but saved them and passed them on to my little girl. They have now, alas, been sold at a yard sale. I wish I had kept just one)
hilarious post...i'm glad it resurfaced
thanks
The 8- o-clock coffee was rated the Best.
Consumer Repots said it's cheaper. Best!
Cough in the styrofoam cup? Serve coughs?
O. When Ya pour coffee, Ya cough on yuppie?
This works. Satisfaction is guaranteed. Honest.
This summer the wild orange day-lilly will bloom.
It's safe to eat. Glean tons and cook in a beet stir fry?
It's jest a simple wild harvest, homemade guest dish.
The guest will love Ya tho. In the morn? BOOM. Yikes!
Overnight guest will sit all day in your guest outhouse.
Cramps, belly rumble, no tp, and Ya say:`O my dear me.
but you are right and i will use those tips the next time i have to throw the girls a bday party.. though little kids do eat cake...hmmm..
But what if I brought my own tea bag? Ya, I know, that would work only if the coughy were really really really weak.
Most excellent, imaginative, thorough post. Well worthy of the cover.
Thank you for making me laugh today. The truth, well, hurts.
When I logged in I was shocked that I had comments made - I was wondering if a flame war had broke out about one of my mom's wigs (where are the pro-flat people?).
For the record, at our last dance, I served half inch meatballs slathered in sweet and sour sauce. At the end of the night, there was a meatball jammed into every corner.
Our next dance is the last Saturday of this month. It's a toga party (oh joy - two hundred requests for safety pins). I'm serving Senator Chips with Slave Sauce.
::smash:: ::smash:: ::smash:: ::smash::
Really, for fancy occasions, you can even do rotel. So perfect. Nachos and alcohol.
Odette - what's particularly "freaky" is that I had no idea what Rotel was until yesterday! Now I read about it here on OS....spooky!
duh.
For the holidays I received "How to Cook for an Army" - literally. Filled with dozens of recipes for dishes that sate the masses.
Having only 3 human members of my household, I presume this gift portended some sort of boy scout jamboree or political BBQ my family expects me to host(ess) in the near future.
By the end of the evening, I'm usually close to homicidal. I'm afraid of what I might do with the bacon grease.
Many great lines, but this one may be my fave: " And the tea people, MY GOD THE TEA PEOPLE. "
A friend once hosted a b-day party for me and another friend was aghast that there was no herbal tea in the house when she requested it. It does seem to be a law around here that people must have herbal tea on the premises, but still....
Every dance there's a weirdo wall of leaning men.
The Disastrous Naked Weenie Event just about finished me, although I did keep reading wondering "When is her mother going to get involved?" Thumbed.
i would so LOVE it if you would toss out a post in ...uh..tribute to these guys
and please, if you could ...be kind
thanks