(The below rant is that of a cranky middle aged woman of questionable taste. Please do not be offended if you or a loved one have made any or all of the below fashion choices. Obviously Deven is suffering from severely swollen ankles from doing back to back wedding gigs this weekend.)
My husband is a mobile d.j. He's been in the business for over twenty years. Since his lay off, we've been paying our bills from the proceeds of this endeavor so believe me, I am grateful for any and every gig. But after my fifteenth wedding of this summer season, I need to vent about a few bride related things.
Let's start with the dress. Stop this:
This trend started a couple of years ago. In the beginning it was just a little tuft here and there. I thought it was sort of an interesting alternative to the ruffle. As time has gone by, it's moved from a tuft, to a melted candle, to drapes, to exploded accordion. I will give you a pass if you wear this dress, if at some point during the reception, you can demonstrate how your gown can be turned into a comforter, or if you make your groom wear a matching tufted tuxedo, because I think a tufted tuxedo would be awesome.
Now for the cake. Stop this:
I don't want to eat gold. I know it's pretty and edible. Lots of things are pretty and edible, that doesn't mean I want to eat them. Take butterflies - butterflies are pretty and I think they're edible, butter is in their name. You could have a living butterfly cake. You and your groom could pluck a butterfly off the cake and serve each other beautiful crunchy wings while Debbie Gibson's "Butterflies Are Free" is playing in the background. Actually I'm beginning to warm up to this idea. Don't steal it - I'm going to pitch The Ultimate Butterfly Cake to a bakery tomorrow.
I understand centerpieces are expensive and people try to figure out clever ways to extend their dollar. I applaud that. But this thing has gone way too far. The painted branch wave started out modestly. A glass vase, spray paint, and a few crystals. Well brides and planners saw this and asked "How can we make this obnoxious?" They found a way. Now it's a competition for exotic woods, real gold paint, and swarovski crystals. They bring in enough of them to create an eye poking out forest maze.
And while we're talking about torturing plant life, let's address this:
Quit tormenting flowers. They're pretty all by themselves, why do you feel the need to tart them up? If you want something to "catch the light", carry a lit flare down the aisle. There's a reason there's the saying "gilding the lily", look it up.
I understand that the gold cake, and crystals, and glitter bouquets stem from the sudden need of every bride to have "bling". So why don't we nip this in the bud. You are no longer allowed to describe your wedding as "______ theme, with some bling." "Romeo and Juliet theme, with some bling," "Victorian theme, with some bling," "Garden theme, with some bling," and my favorite, "Bling theme, with some bling." Maybe if we can stop you from saying bling, you'll stop gluing crystals to everything. Don't make me take your hot glue gun.
Now for the harshest thing of all - you are not a princess. I'm sorry, you're not. No poofy dress, lighting coordinator, gold cake, glitter bouquet, New Guinea Rosewood branch centerpiece, bacon wrapped free range shrimp appetizer, custom blown crystal champagne glass, martini luge, gobo light monogram projection, Hummer limousine, dove release, signature cocktail, or pink cushion set diamond is going to change that. I don't want to hear how this is "your one day." Trust me, you'll have plenty of days to act bitchy and unreasonable. Pace yourself.
Now for my cranky short list:
Specially made videos to be shown during the reception. No one really needs to know why you call him "little Johnny Snookycums". And the view of your heads projected to eight times their normal size is just freaky and will put the guests right off of their stuffed mushroom caps.
Sand ceremony. The sand ceremony is as interesting to watch as...well.. two people pouring sand into a bottle. Trust me, a few years from now, you'll have a little darling uncork that thing and pour the sand into her Bratz Beach House.
Highly choreographed first wedding dance. I understand if you take lessons so you don't trip over each other for your first dance. I do not understand when you and your groom break out into a Dirty Dancing Mambo.
Wedding flip flops. I use to enjoy wearing flip flops when I had circulation that went all the way down, so I do understand the appeal. I understand when you wear flip flops to your beach wedding. I do not understand when you wear jewel encrusted platform flip flops with your five thousand dollar Vera Wang. I do not understand making your bridesmaids wear platform flip flops. Again, I'm willing to give you a pass if you make the groom and groomsmen also wear platformed flip flops, because that would be awesome.
I'll end my grouchy tirade. I just wish that brides would have the opportunity to see a multitude of weddings in one season. They would begin to realize what's really important about a wedding day. It should be fun. It should be a celebration for both you and your friends and family. It shouldn't be a diva demonstration. It shouldn't be an expression of how much money you're willing to throw around. It shouldn't be an exercise in tension. I, personally, don't think that a wedding should vie to be "the event of the year."
In all of the years I've done wedding events with Daniel, there is one wedding that sticks out in my mind. In contrast with the high stress, eleborate production weddings that seem to be the norm, it was a simple affair in a small Lousiana city. The bride wore a beautiful dress. It wasn't a wedding dress. She explained that she wanted a dress that she could wear on her anniversary throughout the years. She said when she got too fat and old to wear it, she'd turn it into a shawl. They had nice catered food. Nothing overly fussy. Relatives also brought their signature food dishes to share. There were some things they splurged on - the venue, candles, photographer, nice table wear, and nice bar. In contrast to that, they asked relatives and friends to bring bouquets for the tables. The bride supplied the vases. Some brought store bought arrangements, some brought flowers from their garden. The mother of the bride did the arrangements. It was lovely. There was dancing and laughing. Everyone seemed glad to be there. Everyone had played a part in the event. It was very low stress, and I'm sure everyone that looks at the pictures from that day smiles and would like to have a get together like that again. Isn't that what it should be about?
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Tom King
Mature Student
Beth Mann
Linda Seccaspina
Saturn Smith
HenryR
Salon.com
Comments
(Yes, I have "issues.")
wouldn't it be just, I dunno, true or something, if instead of throwing rice or blowing bubbles at the bride and groom, everyone threw fistfuls of bills? And the bride and groom had like a time limit to pick it up, and if whatever they didn't pick up, the guest got to take back?
"It's a shame he tripped on her Poufy Tiered Princess Bride Ruffle Dress With the Melted Wax Train...they lost more than half their Money Scramble Time. I dropped ten $100 but, sigh, got them all back."
So much of this made me laugh, because so much of it is true. Good stuff.
Afer being in the bridal business for twelve years (talk about stress), I had predicted the return of the "ruffled" layered tiered skirts. The only time it was "easy " to make money selling manufactured gowns was when they were ruffled. Those were too hard to make at home.
The gowns had become so simple and stripped down that although elegant, there were not "worth it" with regard to spending money :that much money" to a country bride.
Younger girl-brides are probably enjoying this return to flounce and pouffiness -- those were the styles that the girls always wanted to try on. It was love at first try, so easy to buy. :) If this goes into prom gowns as well, which it usually does, the bridal shops might be in the green for the first time in a LONG time...!
However, a friend sent me a YouTube link with a couple's first dance that I think merits a waiver on your dancing rules. What do you think?
(It wouldn't be the first time.)
Scroll down to see a couple pics, the captions show I'm on board with you. (Note: my mother and I fought about the bride and groom on top of the cake, I lost. Feh, 26 years later, no big deal). Mating for Life
lalucas, I have enormous respect for you. I have no idea how someone can work year after year at a bridal shop. There's so much emotion under heat.
Sally, that is.. ah.. quite the cake topper. You know what's sad, I can't remember what our cake topper. I'm going to have to go look at old pictures. I loved our cake. I want cake right now. Cake.
Cake.
Just the word "bling" makes my skin crawl. Describe what it is. If it is a piece of jewelry, say so; if it is glitter sprayed on dead wood, say so. Two things so completely different in both value and hopefully taste should not be called the same word. One year, we had a Cinco de Mayo bash and I ordered flashing light rings from Oriental Trading Company as silly party favors for the female guests. As I was handing one out to the wife half of a couple we've known for years, the husband asked for one as well, most eloquently beseeching me to "Throw some bling my way." Ugh. I find the need for balding, paunchy middle-aged men to suddenly sprout ghetto speak incredibly unattractive. Buy a Harley and grow a soul patch like the rest of your ilk.
Also, the money dance- ugh, ugh, ugh - I first saw an example of this tasteless toe tapping when I moved from the east coast to California in 1986. I thought it was an anomaly, that I had been hijacked and taken to a wedding planned by the tacky brigade but no. Just about every wedding I ended up at, and, when you're in your twenties and thirties and cannot afford to buy wedding presents, you end up at many, they did the accursed dance of greed. Ugh. If they're going to gyrate for funds, they might as well strip down to g-strings and pasties and find a pole to make it worth the dough. Can I say ugh one more time?
Finally, the rehearsal dinner. What used to be a small affair which included the wedding party, immediate family, and the affianced has turned into a money sucker almost as populated as the reception itself. My poor aunt about bankrupted herself when her son/my cousin married into a wealthy family a few years ago. 150 guests! And self-indulgent/self-important speeches throughout the evening. My mother had to hold me back from stabbing some too rich AND too thin self-important society wench with a seafood fork (I swear it would have gone all the way through her).
On a less snarky note, I LOVE the wedding you described in your final paragraph. That, my wombat-needing friend, is class.
The wish box/tree/teddy bear/bong. Time was when a guest book with a comment line was sufficient. In the last year we've seen the emergence of this "wish" thing. Elaborate printed cards and pens passed to the guests, and the guests are suppose to write their wishes for the couple. Once done, the wishes are to be dumped in the wish receptacle. That new little twist has got to cost about another $200 and up.
Wedding guest gifts. Remember when it was a little tulle bag of candy almonds? Or nothing at all? Now every bride is doing guest goody bags. Why? You just fed and watered these people. That's enough!
My cankles are still swollen.
Cake.
And they do it because they can, though I knew a rich dad once who drew the line at doing it all over again just three years later for eldest daughter's Wedding No. 2. She was 28; from the fit it caused, anyone would surmise it was the first time ever she didn't get what she wanted.
Which couldn't be true. She wanted her first marriage to last, right?
Shall I tell: The underpanty-less bride; the smelly-ruined-soo000-many samples bride; the bride that had to sit on her future husband's lap with gown on before buying it; or my very favorite -- the spandex bride? Actually, for all but the last one, I have told the story...some day I will write about the spandex bride. I just have to think how to make it funny for someone that wasn't there...she would have been great recorded on video, that little skamp stamping her feet! :)
cake
cake
The money dance came right after the father-daughter dance. Each of my dad's friends cut in, danced a waltz with me for a few minutes, and gave me a $5 or sometimes a $10. I think I had something like $200, $250 in cash when it was over, and a chance to talk to all dad's friends, men who watched me grow from a Kool-aid stained tomboy to adulthood. It was sweet and not at all money-grubbing. I have no idea where the tradition comes from, but it sounds like maybe it's morphed a bit since my time in the white dress.
I went to an Arabic ceremony where the tradition was for everyone to bring gold and hang it on the bride - necklaces, earrings, you name it, she was so heavy at the end she clanked when she moved. It was actually a lovely ritual, and spoke far more to wishing the young couple good fortune and offering support than it did about greed.
here's a nice cake for you. Or here
A couple of weeks ago, I saw a good cupcake wedding display. They constructed a stack of round boxes in graduated sizes and then placed the cupcakes on the edges of those boxes. This gave the impression of a huge cake. A little more impact than the stacked cake plate thing.
yup. They have more money!
I tried to elope, but my husband wanted a wedding. Imagine that. He wanted an occasion to bring the families together, where they'd feel compelled to come. It hasn't happened since, so I guess it was a good idea.
Our cake was a store bought one. And they forgot to make it, so we got it for the deposit, and they delivered. My friend did the flowers. We gave her my brother-in-law's used washer and dryer in return. Another friend was the pianist. There were 22 people there, which, frankly, was 20 more than I thought we needed.
Whatever. It stuck.
In contrast, we went to a friend's wedding, who had fairly simple wedding favors (with the fake rings), which, after several glasses of wine, I thought would make a nice nose ring. I think every picture of me at that wedding has either a fake nose or eyebrow piercing. That'll teach them to go all fancy-schmancy.
No.
I had a pretty traditional wedding, I guess. But I did make a lot of my decisions based on the question – “Will this be more fun for my guests?” We invited our family and friends to bring their kids. We decided to spend more money on the food, upgrade the liquor, and simplify the centerpieces to some $1.50 candles. Who leaves a wedding raving about the centerpieces, anyway?
I was at a bridal shop with my newly-engaged cousin last month, and the salesclerk told us about a mother and daughter who left the store after they found out the most expensive dress you could buy in the place was $7,000. They said, “Don’t you have anything more expensive?” When the clerk told them no, the mother and daughter left!
We went to Vegas every year for the trade show of his professional association and his dad and sister lived in LA and could be there. It all made such sense. Then a bunch of people from Texas decided they wanted to come. And, of course, I was expected to make their flight and hotel reservations.
We got married in a chapel across from Circus Circus that has since been demo'd to make way for a tower. Our "reception" was the Sunday brunch at the Bellagio. People are still talking about what a great time they had -- 9 years later.
Wedding #1 wasn't traditional either. Maybe I'll post about that one, including photos.
I'm invited to a friend's wedding in Aug 2009 -- the budget is $96,000. Um, yeah...a Hummer.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/tequilaanddonuts/sets/72157594375582012/
flickr.com/photos/tequilaanddonuts/sets/72157594375582012/
This is just genius. I have never understood what the whole 'this is my one day' thing is supposed to mean. Most people get divorced and likely get remarried, thus making their first wedding only their "first one day." Also, what happens to the groom on "your one day"? What day is it for him? Perhaps he doesn't even need to show up. I've known a few grooms who would have been just fine skipping the whole shebang.
My oldest daughter who is 23 was brainwashed by that show, and might as well have been declared brain dead after she saw the movie.
"Why can't I have have the wedding of my dreams without getting married?", she laments.
When I tell her that there is absolutely zero logic to her assertion, she gives me a dismissive wave of the hand and adds insult to injury by adding, "Oh Mom, you're such a FEMINIST.", as if it were a dirty word.
These grown-up girls need to be turned over and spanked.
Do.not.get.me.started.on.that.stupid.ass.movie.
When I married my husband, in 1990, he was unemployed and I was just 40. I arranged the flowers the night before myself. I was so tired I forgot about a cake. After the reception, which was prepared by my women friends, we went out on an New Year's Eve dessert hunt with all of our friends who had come from out of town to Monterey and ended up in an all night diner eating pie together. It was absolutely memorable. My dress was black with big red poppies all over. Hey it wasn't my first wedding, it was the most fun and it was the one that worked!
My ankles were sore and cranky after all that flower arranging. I didn't allow the crankiness to rise above my knees, and who would with all the fun we were having! The roses were those red roses that have white on the bottom side of the petals and there were hundreds and hundreds of them. My bouquet was all red roses. The party was so much more fun than all the formality! The photos were snapshots from friends. Little 3x5 snapshots.
Open bar. Two words that make things so much easier.
I will say, as a bridesmaid, I wouldn't mind the flip-flops. An hour in those nasty bridesmaid shoes ... a torturous experience. Flip flops? Tacky but comfortable.
Great post!
Really, someone should blog more about the horror that is the bridesmaid's dress. The insidious evil of that famous remark, "And you can wear it again!"
You got me reflecting back on 2007. I am of an age where funerals will soon outnumber weddings, and weddings are no longer of friends and family, but of their children. The final score in 2007, by the way, was Funerals: 2, Weddings: 2. Labor Day last, I narrowly avoided offering myself as a tiebreaker.
Some observations, as a frequent guest of such affairs: funerals are more fun by far than weddings. For one thing, I don't have to rent clothing for a family funeral; this is not true for weddings. For another, the honoree is never a pain in the ass, not to mention appearing much more blissful. (I observed one bride walking the aisle in tears, but not smiling. She didn't appear all that joyful later on, either, even after a generous helping of champagne.)
The food is generally more palatable at the reception following the event, the occasional Chilean Sea Bass steak notwithstanding.
I always roll my eyes and grumble about it, but I generally expect to have to listen to a sermon at a funeral. But when did it become the custom for the right reverend to preach on about family values during a wedding ceremony?? Shiiiiyeah, let 'em kiss, already, so we can move on to the champagne and Sea Bass; I've got to return this tux by tomorrow.
HAHAHAAAAAA!