[cell ring]

"I'm lost."

"Well, I'm in checkout Mom, I can't come get you. Tell me where you are and I'll guide you in."

"I'm at the outside doors by the shoes."

"Don't go out the doors."

"I'm not stupid! I was thinking about it, but that alarmy thing would go off and they'd think I was stealing things."

"I was teasing Mom."

"Don't tease while I'm lost. In fact, I've been telling you to quit teasing me since you were a teenager."

"You tease me all the time."

"Not when you're lost."

"Point taken. Okay, go to the main aisle and head left toward the Service Center sign."

"I don't see a Service Center sign."

"Look up."

"I told you I'm not stupid."

"Okay, look up and to your left."

"Oh. Okay. See you in a minute."

[cell ring]

"You told me wrong."

"Where are you now?"

"I'm in jewelry."

"Okay, what way are you facing?"

"I'm facing forwards."

"Mom, I meant, what direction you were pointed."

"If I knew my directions I wouldn't be calling you now, would I?"

"Just tell me what you're looking at in the jewelry department."

"A Russian fixing watches."

"You're in fine jewelry?"

"Yes, and they look none too happy to have me in here with my basket."

"Just ask the girl where the main checkout is."

"I'm not talking to her. She tried to sell me pearls."

"Get out of the fine jewelry department and tell me what you're looking at."

"Okay."

.....

"Mom? Mom? You there? Oh for Pete's sake, she hung up."

[ring]

"I'm looking at clothes."

"You're shopping for clothes now?"

"NO! You asked me what I'm looking at, and I'm looking at clothes."

"What kind of clothes?"

"They're kind of ugly."

"Oh God. Mom, are they men's or women's clothes?"

"Who can tell now days?"

"Are there any skirts, or anything girly?"

"No. And a lot of these jackets have bones on them. Who would want to wear a jacket with bones all over it?"

"Bones?"

"You know, head bones."

"Skulls?"

"Yes, skulls. Now I ask you, why would you want a whole wardrobe with skulls on it? If I wore something like that to potluck, it would just remind everyone that we're going to be dead soon."

"You must be in the junior men's wear. Go out of that department and turn right."

"Okay. These are really ugly clothes. I hope you don't let Ben wear stuff with bones all over it."

[ring]

"When's the last time you bought lipstick?"

"What?"

"Lipstick is ten dollars now! Is it made out of oil?"

"I really don't know Mom."

"I think it must be made out of oil."

"If you're looking at lipstick, you're getting close. Look up, do you see the Service Center sign?"

"You told me about the Service Center sign and got me more lost."

"Trust me Mom. Head toward the Service Center sign."

" 'Head toward the Service Center sign. All will be welcome in the Service Center sign.' Know what movie that's from?"

"Poltergeist?"

"That's right. I bet you didn't think your old momma could make a modern movie reference. And that poor little girl died because she hadn't pooped. And you get on to me when I ask you when was the last time you pooped. I could be saving your life."

"Mom, please, just head to the Service Center sign. Stay on the phone with me. I think I can see your kicky hair."

....

"Mom? Mom?"

[rustle]

"Mom? I can see you walking back and forth. You look like a rifle range duck. Mom?"

"WHAT? I'M WALKING!"

"You can't walk and talk at the same time?"

"Don't be a smart butt. I was walking and carrying the phone. I can't walk, look at the Service Center sign, carry my phone, and talk to you all at the same time, now can I?"

"Well I guess not."

"You told me wrong again."

"Mom, I can see you. I'm in lane nine."

"I don't see the checkouts."

"Mom, I can see you! Look to your right."

"I'M LOOKING RIGHT!"

"Mom, I can see you. You're looking left."

"Oh. I thought you meant your right. I still don't see you."

"Okay, I'm waving a copy of Star magazine around. Do you see me?"

"I see you, but I'm not going to admit I know you. You look like a loon."

"Mom!"

"Well what grown woman in her sane mind would be in line talking on a cell phone and waving trash around?"

"If I'm crazy, it's because you're driving me that way."

"Don't talk to your mother like that. Besides this is payback. I told you, you shouldn't tease me when you were a teenager. Bad behavior will always will come back to bite you."

"Mom, please, just go check out. I'll meet you at the car. Do you think that you can find the right exit?"

"Don't be a smart butt."

[cell ring]

"I'm checked out. Where are you?"

"I'm waiting for you by the automatic door. Do you know which way that is?"

"Yes. I'm not stupid."

"I know that Mom."

"It was your fault that I got lost anyway. I was buying a birthday present for that husband of yours and I was in parts of the store that I'm not normally in."

"That's nice of you."

"I got him some Christmas chocolates. I know he's diabetic, but he can just eat one at a time. And I got him a cute toy mouse."

"You got him a mouse? Why would you get him a mouse?"

"It's very cute. He likes raccoons, so he should like this."

"Raccoons?"

"When we were driving around that one time, he kept pointing out all the dead raccoons. He should like this mouse."

"Okay Mom. I see you. I'll be there in a minute."

"Take your time. I'm flipping through this Star magazine you seemed so taken with."