Deven McKay

Deven McKay
Location
Seattle, Washington,
Birthday
July 01
Bio
I've changed a lot in the last five years, some good, some bad, some things are just different. I'm trying to find a way back to me, but I'm pretty sure that my GPS has dementia.

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NOVEMBER 24, 2008 11:54PM

Mom goes to WholeFoods

Rate: 93 Flag

wholefoods

"You know all the food in here is nonsense."

"Mom, it's just food."

"HA! I don't think so. I don't know what half of this stuff is. I wouldn't know whether to eat it or bathe with it."

"That could get interesting."

"Don't get smart. Ewwww! Why would anyone want to eat curried cauliflower? It even looks nasty. If this was in the ice box, your daddy would have throw it out, and he ate green bologna."

"Well I sort of agree with you on that one, but the other stuff is good."

"Where? This stuff? Tofu salad? Ha! Who would eat that? It looks like it was eaten all ready."

"I happen to love that tofu salad."

"Well you weren't raised that way."

"Mom, just hang out around here. I'll go up there and check on my Thanksgiving order. Don't wander off."

" 'DON'T WANDER OFF.' What?! I'm not a child. I'll wander off if I want to."

"You'll get lost."

"No I won't."

.....

[cell ring]

"I'm lost."

"Mom, I'm still in line waiting to talk to the turkey lady."

"I wish we had turkey ladies back in the day. I would have ordered my turkey in a heartbeat. Remember that year we tried to fry the turkey and almost blew up the kitchen? I told your dad that we should being doing that outside. I never did get the black mark off that ceiling."

"We ended up with fried chicken that year didn't we?"

"Yes, from that awful place on Gaston. The food was so bad that they couldn't afford to close on Thanksgiving. All those men in there buying fried chicken because their wives had ran away."

"What? How do you know that the men in there were buying fried chicken on Thanksgiving because their wives had ran away?"

"Why else would they be buying fried chicken on Thanksgiving?"

"Well you were buying fried chicken on Thanksgiving because you almost blew up the kitchen."

"It was your daddy's idea. And I'm a woman. The women buying fried chicken there probably had turkey catastrophes. "

"I forgot what we were talking about."

"... Oh... Oh, that's right. I'm lost."

"Where are you?"

"I'm by the cheese. They sure have a lot of it here. I'm in line to get a cheese sample from the cheese some in year."

"Cheese some in year?"

"You know, the fancy cheese man. They have cheese some in years at nice restaurants."

"What?"

"They have wine some in years too."

"You mean sommelier?"

"That's how the French say it. But it means some in year. Like this is a good cheese for this year."

"Mom, I think you've got that a bit tangled up."

"No I don't. Here, I'm right by him. -- Aren't you the fancy cheese man?"

[fancy cheese man] "Yes ma'am! I am indeed the fancy cheese man."

"See? Your momma still knows some things you don't. So, fancy cheese man, do you have any cheese that doesn't taste too cheesy?"

[fancy cheese man] "Try this. It's very creamy."

"Hmmmm. That's sort of nice. But truthfully, it sort of tastes like white Velvetta. And, wow, it's $19 a pound!"

[fancy cheese man] "There is sort of a curd taste to it, you're right."

"Well thank you very much for the sample. You're a very nice young man. Tell my daughter that you're the cheese in some year for the store."

"Mom, don't hand that man the phone."

[fancy cheese man] "Hello."

"Please don't encourage my mother."

[fancy cheese man] "She just wants me to verify that I'm the Cheese Some In Year. And I am, in addition to being the fancy cheese guy."

"You're not helping. You know that, right?"

[fancy cheese man] "Yes. I have a mother too. But, I'm telling you the truth, from now on, I'm calling myself the "Cheese Some In Year". Have a happy Thanksgiving."

"I'm going over the the meat counter now. I'm going to see if they have some samples over there."

"Ask to see the meat some in year."

"Don't be silly. You're still in the turkey lady line?"

"Yes, I'm next up. Don't go too far. I'll call you when I'm through here."

....

"Mom, I'm done with the turkey lady. Where are you? I'll come get you."

"I'm at the meat counter. Take your time. They're making some meat for me."

"They're what?"

"They're cooking some sausage for me."

"Are you at the Dinners to Go counter?"

"I don't even know what that is. I'm at the regular meat counter. I came over here to ask them if they had samples like the nice cheese boy. They told me they didn't, but they'd fry up some sausage just for me."

"They're cooking you sausage?"

"You don't have to sound so surprised. Everyone here has been very nice to me. The cracker lady even gave me a little packet of crackers to take home. I'm thinking of opening them up and having my sausage on them."

"I'll come get you."

...

"I didn't want to hurt their feelings, but that sausage was bad. There were things poking out of it."

"I think that was the artichoke."

"Sausage shouldn't have artichoke in it. Sausage shouldn't have things in it that you know what are. But those boys were very sweet. I think one of them might have been flirting with me."

"Mom, the meat counter guys were in their thirties."

"I didn't say he was serious. You don't have to be serious to flirt you know. Maybe he thought I was a cougar."

"You know about cougars?"

"Of course I know what cougars are! I watch The Young and the Restless. Half of that cast is cougar. Grrrrrrrrrowwwwwwllll"

"Mom, you're creeping me out."

"Grrrrrrooowwwwweeeellll."

"Really Mom. Creepy."

"hee hee heee heee. Grrrrroweeeellll."

"Stop it."

"Grrrrrowwwelllll."

"Really. Just stop."

"Heee heeee. Grrrroweeeellll."

"Are you going to do this all the way home?"

"Yes. Grrrrrrooweeeeeelllll."

 

 

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Comments

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mew! (if your mom is a cougar, I get to be a kitten for a day)
I just told Ben about the cougar thing. I think he might be scarred for life. When I dropped her off at her apartment, she growled at the retirement center director. She's out of control.
Oh god. I have tears streaming down my face. You could not possibly make this up. If you do, you're brilliant. Not made up, you're brilliant. Your mother...your mother is brilliant and so funny that whatever trouble it is constantly losing her is so worth it. She is hysterical. I want to adopt her...not like forever, but just for one afternoon. Write a book please. There must be more.
i adore you & your mom. was wondering earlier today if you were going to be reporting on Thanksgiving shopping. glad you didn't disappoint - this is so much better than I could have hoped for.

cheese some in year - that is too precious
She's totally right that sausage shouldn't have artichoke in it. (If I see someone growling in the aisles at Thriftway, I'll give you a call...)
Sigh. She is so perfect. I love her.
OK, I think I'm halfway between being creeped out with you and starting to randomly growl in solidarity with your mom. ;) Tofu salad! It sounds amazing.

This is hilarious.
Man...I miss my mom. Treasure yours. Even if she is bat shit crazy like mine was. Ok, now I'm crying. I know I'm supposed to be laughing but I'm not. I'm freakin' crying. Love your stuff.
Oh well, my mom sees a possible groom for me in every nice guy she meets and she makes it very clear if by an cruel chance I am present on the occasion.
So, I know.....
You know there are screenwriters on OS, right? They could make one of the best sitcoms out of this. You and mom would be set for life and she could eat anything the Cheese Some In Year recommended, regardless of price. Speaking of price, she is priceless.
Thank God you posted something. I was getting the shakes and needed my Deven's Mom fix.
"You don't have to be serious to flirt you know."
Love your mom cause she reminds me of my mom who lived in the world unafraid and was never disappointed. Younger men flirted with her and were--oh yes!--attracted to her up into her eighties. I can hardly wait...
rated
Does Growell know he made your post? :-D

I was totally stunned to see a mom post and it's not even Wednesday! Love your mom stories, Deven, and love you too for sharing them with us.

You know, Freaky's gonna be pissed you knocked her off the cover.
Oh god that was a riot. Your mom is great.
I am jealous of your Whole Foods. The website keeps promising that mine is "Coming Soon!" That big 'ol lie started in January. They said it was opening this spring. Then summer. Then November. Now it's November. I am still Whole Foodsless.

They should bring in your mom for the Grand Opening. She's better than a boy band.

(thumbified for cheesy goodness)
Oh, mercy! That's my mother, except that we live 400 miles from a Whole Foods and she behaves that way in Walmart. I found her once in Health and Beauty Aids telling some guy that Preparation H is really good for wrinkles and he should try it. He said, "I don't got wrinkles on my butt."

I just keep repeating to myself, "It is a blessing that my parents are still alive. It is a blessing that my parents are still alive. It is a blessing ..."
Hey, you stole my mother. I must tell the tatoo story one day.
lol. Totally enjoyed and rated.
High Lonesome, was that recently? Mom has been on this kick where she's telling everyone about the Prep H thing too. I think they did a segment about aging on some show. She's been trying to get me to tape back my eyes.

She's very angry at Obama right now. He interrupted Regis and Kelly yesterday.
Oh, this was simply brilliant! I want to meet your mom. And then I want to introduce her to my mom, because that would be cool.
Yes, just a couple weeks ago. I can only hold one Mom anecdote in my mind without banging my head against the wall, so I repress the old ones when a new one is created. Obviously there's some Preparation H lore out there in AARPland.
Your mother is an unending source of amusement. Cougar indeed. I'd love to hear that grrrroweeeellll!
Your mom stories always make my days. I just want to hug you both, but I know she would not approve of that!
Mom would be fine with a hug, but she would talk behind your back about how your sweater smelled funny.
It seemed like you were gone forever!!!!!!

I missed you.
Stupendous as always. I have nothing to add, everybody's already taken my superlatives and head bangings.

So when do we hear about the wedding? Not to mention the uh, Freaky Cover Coup?....
"Sausage shouldn't have things in it that you know what are."

I thought that was the point of sausage...

love your mom
your mom is great! Just makes you smile!
Did someone mention me?
Oops. Typo in my profile name. I'm new at this.
Thanks for sharing your trip to Whole Foods. I have to drive 65 miles for the closest one to me so I don't get but every year or so! Your mother is so funny and you are a great writer.
I'm sure the ape appreciates the kind comments (y'all so nice for lying to her and all).

CM GRowell is the hawtest person I know!
Hilarious post. I love your mom stories...and all the others too!

We call Whole Foods, Whole Paycheck.
Best Line: "Ask to see the meat some in year."

BW-FREAKING-HA!!!!
Fantastic. I loved the "You'll get Lost, No I wont, Ring, I am Lost" Classic.

Great post! Your mom sounds like a lot of fun.
I laughed so loudly my husband came into the room to see what was going on. Thanks for the lift.
We shop at Whole Foods from time to time, or eat lunch there. But I am forever annoyed that they don't have regular potato chips and plain soft drinks. It is as though their entire stock is one big condescension to regular people.

This is funny!
I love your Mom. I love Whole Foods. Your mom IN Whole Foods was just about more than I could stand. :D
Oh, and I think that chicken place is still there on Gaston...the one near Baylor Hospital? I think they have guys on the roof now with AK-47s to scare away the gun toting saggers. At least the ones with bullet wounds don't have far to go for trauma care.
::gasping for breath::

HAW! I'm with Mary - I'm laughing so hard I'm crying. Great way to start the day - my green tea and T&D. At least I had the sense to put my tea down right after I started reading.......
Aw Rich, soft drinks like Coke and Sprite and et al. are made with nasty sugars and phosphates, and most chips are made from crappy oils - I would have a cow if I ever saw that stuff there. Don't think of it as a condescension - its an alternative!

We actually shop mostly at a smaller local organic market because Whole Foods is pricey, but they do have the best breads.
This needs to be a TV show!
Great story, great mom! They lured her with their trap of 'cougar' samples unaware that she would hook them with her personality.
Wow, WholeFoods is nice but they are VERY expensive!

Jess
www.anonweb.eu.tc
I love your mom. My mom is 85 and is a sweetheart, but she isn't anywhere near this much fun! Paws up.
T&D - Mary just pointed me to this. Hysterical! I remember the first time I went in to Whole Foods a few months ago. Nearly got lost as well, and there were certainly things there that I wouldn't be caught dead eating. Love the cougar stuff, too! Thumbified!
What a great mom you've got! It would make a good T.V. show.

There's a some in years at the wine bar in the Whole Foods near my house. Your mom could hang out at the bar and flirt and taste wine. (The fish and meat bars aren't far away.)
T&D,
This was before I joined the OS. I'll fly out and fix your car door if you let me hang with you and your Mom for a little while, Deal?
Thank God you are there to follow mom around and write down everything she says! I love this woman!
Sounds like your mom is a wise woman, and free not to worry about what anyone thinks of her.
My mom was that way too.
I remember getting so embarrassed about her sometimes.
Now that I'm well on my way to becoming like her, I don't care anymore.
I agree about Whole Foods.
I'll think that this isn't a fashion trend when you can actually find uncalibrated whole pieces of fruit, with no waxes on them.
And even then...
It could just be a trend...
OMG -- this is the funniest thing I have read in a long time. I sold you short on selling the Troll card's thingie. I book of mother stories -- baby boomers are aging and need a laugh or two. You MUST do it! "Mother Some of Year"?
HAHAHAHAAAA! I suspect if I'm making you and your Mom a new favorite, I'm going to have to get in line.
Your mother could not have been invented! Sorry it took so long to read this but it was well worth the wait and deserving of the cover! Rated.
Well, I shop at Whole Foods and have for years, and I never met the Cheese in Years guy. But there was a lovely young lady who gave me samples and then offered to drive me home-HER home! I said, "Gee sounds like fun, hang on let me ask my wife if it is okay with her." She decided not to hang on. I used to love the place, but 90% of the bread is sourdough, even the french Baguette's. I said, "I lived in France for 5 years, I never tasted sourdough, French baguettes. Please make the French Bread right. The baker argued that at baking school everything was sourdough. They even had Italian Sourdough. I am Italian American and I explained that the sourdough taste is fine if you live in San Francisco, but not in The Town of Bagnolo, where my ancestor's live or any place else I have either visited or lived n for the summer, unless there was a Panera Bread store there. I told him like real, buttery, crunchy crusted, salty French Baguettes-He ignored me and went away. I don't buy bread there anymore.
Moms cannot be overcome. They are the unassailable masters of compartmentalizing. One must simply yield to their greatness!

And they get posses, wherever they go.

I will never forget the "Cheese Some In Year"!

Thanks!
Moms cannot be overcome. Just go with it. Thanks for a great read. Happy New Year!
#1 (Most Read) for 2008!
How did I miss this, originally? Hilarious. "Cheese in Some Year." I like it that the Fancy Cheese Guy had a sense of humor.
t and d, your mom could be my best friend, girly...we both love great food (and samples are the bomb), sex and whole foods...
oh and i'm forever getting lost in any grocery store that's the size of a warehouse...
What a funny Mom you have . I wish my Mom was as funny ! I plan on being a funny Mom myself , I have two grown girls that think so now . Wish me luck . ( with staying funny)
I hate it when Moms get "growly"
You (and your mother) are hilarious. I could read this all day long.
Oh god, you just gave me a glimpse into my future. Although I don't think my mother will ever know what a "cougar" is.

Awesome. Thanks for that.
Oh dear, I live in bum**** Egypt!! I gotta find me a Wholefoods! I might have to move!
I went to New York (first time) and found the Whole Foods at the south-east end of Central Park.

Get lost indeed!

And the FOOD... WOW!

A little of this, a little of that.

The first night we had dinner at the hotel. The last two nights we had dinner at Whole Foods and a lunch too! The nearest Whole Foods to me is over 2 hours away... :-(

I'd trade our three StarBucks for one Whole Foods...
I love lunch at WholeFoods, until they weigh the plate.
This is wonderful! I am currently at the end of a week long visit with my Mom, whom at only 16 years my senior, seems to now be from some really distant planet. She says "Eeew" to almost everything and everyone I like now. I have adopted a strict adherence to the Live and Let Live principle.

Thanks again.
Moms get funnier and funnier. I'm glad I saw the link from Kerry Lauerman today to this months old post.
That is really flipping funny. But you may be responsible for some marital discord...my husband keeps shooting me curious looks, wondering why I'm cackling so.

Rated.
This is priceless. Absolutely priceless.
Sausage is like God, don't try to understand it and accept it for what it is.
Thanksgiving in July! Love that this showed up again!

"Well you weren't raised that way."

Classic Mom-ism.
Ignore what your mom said - curried cauliflower is awesome. I have a recipe somewhere that I must post next Foodie Tuesday. I don't know about buying it ready made at a store though. Like any brassica dish, it doesn't do so well on re-heating.
I just flat love your blog. I'm for anything that makes me giggle in my cubicle! It makes me sound kinda crazy to sit giggling in front of my computer when I should be working. I really enjoy that. So thanks for a good giggle. :-)
too funny. Although the pretentiousness of Whole Foods is funny too. Thanks for writing this-your mom is great.