[ring]

"Hi Mom."

"I still don't like that."

"Like what?"

"You answering knowing it's me."

"Caller I.D. Mom."

"I know what it is.  I don't like it.  It's like everyone knowing what their baby is going to be.  Some things should be kept a surprise."

"You seem to like your caller I.D."

"That's only because I can look and not answer when it's Zoda.  That woman drives me crazy.  I can't hear how she got that award in 1974 one more time, or about her fancy daughter that lives in fancy Topeka."

"Well how do you want me to answer when it's you?"

"Just say hello.  Then I can say 'Hello, it's Mom.' "

"Should I act surprised that it's you?"

"Don't be sassy."

"Okay.  Hello."

"Well I'm not going to do it now!  We've been talking!"

"Okay, okay.  I'll remember for the next time.  I'm heading out in just a couple of minutes.  I'll be there by ten.  I'm just waiting for the coffee to finish.  I'll take my cup on the road."

"You shouldn't drive with hot liquid.  Remember that woman that had to have surgery on her who-who?"

"Her who-who what-what?"

"You know what who-who what-what.... down there."

"Oh, you mean the McDonald's coffee thing.  My coffee's not that hot."

"Just be careful.  There's no real hurry.  They just delivered the loveseat."

"Oh they were early!  How does it look?"

"Oh it's lovely.  I'm very happy."

"That's great.  You should thank Clay Akin for that."

"HA! I'll thank him when I'm resting my Akin hiney on it."

"Sorry I wasn't there when the delivery men came.  I know you were worried about that.  Did everything go smoothly?"

"Yes, they called and came through the side door the way they were suppose to.  They were very nice and didn't seem very drunk at all.  Not like that crew that moved Dorthy in.  They were all hopper heads.  Half of her stuff ended up in the bathroom.  She swears one of them stole her decorative soap."

"Well I'm glad they were nice."

"I tipped the head mover guy one of my homemade muffins."

"Mom, you haven't baked in decades."

"I didn't say I baked it.  I just said it was a homemade muffin I owned."

"Where did you get a homemade muffin?"

"Louise, you know her.  She's that tiny woman that wears a white little wiglet on top of her head.  It looks like she has a dollop of Cool Whip on top.  She passed out a half dozen muffins on video night.  Lavender and poppyseed.  Why she thinks that anyone would want to eat a muffin that smells like fabric softener and looks like it's covered in fleas is beyond me.  Those things are being passed around here like cheap fruitcake."

"Passed around?"

"Yes.  I got mine when I asked Vy to come in and see how my refrigerator is walking across the floor.  She had that muffin in her hand and just as she was walking out, she put it on my counter.  Pretty sneaky."

"Mom, you know I can fix that refrigerator problem.  I just need to put a little piece of cardboard under the wheels."

"No.  Now I've told so many people about it, they want to come in and see it happening."

"I still don't understand about the muffin."

"Well Vy got the muffin from Lucy when she stopped to drop off the Avon booklet to her.  And I think Lucy got the muffin from Ben when she helped him open a pickle jar.  I heard Lucy fussing about that at the mailbox."

"So none of you guys want this muffin.  Why don't you just throw it out?"

"That would be rude, and a sin.  You just keep passing it around until someone eats it or it turns green."

"Huh.  Well, I guess it's not your problem now that you got it out of the building.  You didn't have to tip the moving guy, you know."

"I know that, but I felt sorry for him.  He was deformed."

"Deformed?"

"Well he had both his arms and legs, that's not what I mean.  I would imagine it would be hard to get a moving job if you didn't have all four of those.  It was his ears.  They were all mangled.  They had these big circle looking things in them.  I couldn't tell if it was because those circle things were holding what was left of his ear lobes together or maybe it was some kind of hardwear set up for some kind of medical equipment."

"Mom, I think what you're talking about ear stretching.  I had a couple of students with that kind of piercing.  I didn't really get it either.  I would be distracted whenever I looked at them wondering if my pencil would fit through the washer looking thing in their lobe."

"You mean it's on purpose?"

"Yeah."

"Noooooo..."

"Yeah."

"Noooooooo..."

"Yes, really."

"Well that's just weird.  I wonder what the purpose is.  Do you think it has something to do with sex?"

"Mom, what's with you lately?"

"I'm just asking, because this one time..."

"I hate all of your stories that begin 'this one time.' "

"...when I was living at The Manor, one of the student dinner servers had this big silver ball on her tongue.  She had a horrible lisp.  We all thought the ball was in her tongue to help her learn to correct that lisp.  Marie thought that the ball was making her lisp.   Well when we learned that the server was going back to school, we decided to ask her on her last day about the silver ball thing.  You won't believe what she told us."

"Yes, Mom, I would.  I really don't..."

"It has to do with the mouth thing."

"Mom I made it really clear that I'm not going to talk to you about that stuff."

"So you know what I'm talking about.  So maybe those ear circle things have to do with sex too."

"Mom, really, no more sex talk.  Why are you talking about this stuff all the time now?"

"I think it's funny it upsets you... heheheeee heeee heeee."

"::sigh:: Oh great, that's just great."

"hehehheeeeee... oh... growlllllll."

"MOM STOP THAT!"

"Grrrrrooooowwwwwllll..... heheheeeee"

"Okay, mother.  I'm heading over there with my who who, and neither one of us want to talk about sex with you today and you better all be growled out by the time I get there."

"gggGGGggrrrroooolllll... heheheeeee."

"Oh God."

"heheheeee... grrrrrrr..."

"Bye Mom."

[click]