I realized after I wrote the Boogie Mom post that I hadn't explained exactly how the ladies of the Unofficial Retirement Home Movie Club (the URHMC) watch movies.  Several months ago I was at Mom's assembling a bookshelf.  Mom does not believe that amateurs can assemble furniture.  She's also fearful that you're going to accidentally put a screw into your hand.  She's fairly certain that the larger parts of the furniture will fall on your head and crack in half, thus making returning the unassembled furniture impossible.  It might surprise some of you that I find this atmosphere irritating and counterproductive.  During this session, Mom muttered something about missing unofficial movie night.  "Oh please, please go to movie night!  What if this movie is one that will change your life?  GO!"  Mom went after telling me that she was sure she'd return to find me under a pile of mdf, and  didn't I realize that we'd never get our money back if I died while trying to put this thing together?

I was optimistic that I would long have the shelf put together before she returned from the movie.  I felt liberated enough to sneak some sweet tea and take a break. After sitting in the forbidden recliner and drinking my tea, I got back to it.  Ten minutes later, Mom was back.  She had been gone a total of thirty five minutes. 

"You're back!"

"I see you're still alive."

"You didn't have to check on me, go back to the movie."

"It's over.  Just put all those pieces back in the box.  I'll get a baggie for the screws and stuff.  If we tape it up good, they won't even know we opened it."

"You watched a thirty minute movie?  What was it?"

"Goodfellas.  We fast forwarded through a lot of it.  You're going to lose a fingernail messing around with that screwdriver."

"I love that movie.  Mom, I know that has to be at least an hour and a half long.  You fast forwarded through that much of it?"

"We watched what we needed to of it.  Hand me the instructions.  I'll fold them back up.  I'm a good folder.  They'll never know we even looked at them."

"Mom, I'm going to get the shelves put together. Just go sit in the recliner.  Turn on the t.v. and let me be."

"What kind of mom would I be if I was in the same room with you and couldn't describe how you were maimed by those shelves?  .... Have you been sitting in my chair?!"

I'll leave off the description there since I don't want you to have to read how I lied like a rug to my mom.  I questioned her later about how the unofficial movie club operated.  Here's what I learned:

 RULES OF THE UNOFFICIAL MOVIE CLUB

• No prunes allowed.  Prunes are residents what have a bad attitude and look like they're eating prunes.  They're also closed minded and can't take a joke.  They flip through the "unknown address" basket by the mailboxes and take interesting catalogues without even looking slightly ashamed or sneaky. Anyone can join, but they have to swear they're not a prune and members have to agree that they are, indeed unprune-y.
• The t.v. is pivoted away from the hallway during the movie.  It's not anyone's business what they're watching unless they're members.  
• Multiple movies have to be themed.  You can't just be slapping in movies willy nilly with no sense about you.
• The person present with the fastest reflexes will man the dvd or vhs remote.
• The second fastest person will operate the tv remote for volume purposes.
• Captions will remain on at the largest size.
• The movie will be muted if the language gets too salty for a long time.
• The movie will be fast forwarded through:  long sessions of salty language, boring sex parts (unless someone wants to see them), extreme violence, Jane Seymour, and flat out nonsense.

As you can see, adhering to these rules, you can zip through a lot of movies and get back to your apartment by the time Wheel of Fortune comes on.

 I called Mom today and asked if she'd share with you her review of some movies:

• Goodfellas - "It wasn't right that he couldn't be a mob man just because he was Irish.  I think the Irish invented mobs.  You shouldn't cook with a razor blade.  I guess I'm a snoock.  Don't laugh, so are you."
•  Basic Instinct - "If you agree to be tied up to a bed, I'd say there's a good chance someone is going to stick an icepick in you.  Let that be a lesson.  Too many people just having stupid sex for no reason.  And you know that scene?  You know, that scene?  Well you couldn't even see anything.  Not even when you froze it."
• Jurassic Park - "Loud!  It was really loud!  I would go to that park and stay in the train.  Your Aunt Dolly had an amber necklace.  I wonder what happened to it."
• The Matrix - "I liked this movie.  It was stupid, but I liked it.  I might some days take the other pill.  That actor, the main one, he looked sleepy through most of it.  He also looked like he was ten years old.  Was that suppose to be sexy?"
• Groundhog Day - "What a dumb movie.  I just hate that main guy.  So smirky.  Somedays it seems like Groundhog Day around here.  Same thing over and over and over.  Was that the point of the movie?  I liked the scene where Phil was driving.  That should have been longer."