[::knock knock::]

"It's open, come in."

"Hi Mom."

"You hair looks terrible."

"Well it's nice to see you too Mom."

"You have this big skunk stripe down the middle and it looks like you tried to poof your hair up to hide it."

"That's because I have a big skunk stripe down the middle and I tried to poof my hair up to hide it."

"It's not working."

"Obviously.  Mom I missed my hair appointment because of the snow."

"You look like your devil doll.  I'm going to get a comb."

"Mom, I'm not letting you comb my hair."

"Well I'm not going to be seen with you looking like that."

"Bring me one of your wigs.  I'm feeling like the flat one."

"Even if you were serious, I wouldn't do that.  Your head is huge.  You'd stretch it all out."

"Well so far this visit has really been great for my self esteem."

"Self esteem is a myth PBS made up in the 70s.  I'm getting the comb."

"Mom, no comb.  I'm not rushing right out of here.  Remember the movie critic thing?  Well some people have some suggestions.  Since you guys have wi-fi now, I thought we could look at Netflix and see what ones the club might be willing to watch."

"I don't trust that wi-fi.  If it's really quiet, you can hear it humming."

"Mom you can't hear the wi-fi.  I'm setting up at the desk."

"You can too hear wi-fi.  Heeeeeeehummmmmmmmmm.  It's probably not healthy.  You sit at the desk and look up stuff.  I'm getting some things and fixing that mop of yours."

...

"Dear Lord Mom, that's the biggest can of AquaNet I've ever seen.  How old is that?"

"It's not so old it doesn't work.  In fact, I bet it's even stickier."

"I don't use hairspray Mom."

"And that's why your hair looks like that.  Just let me take care of this.  So, what are the movies?"

"Well I already have The Crying Game on the way for y'all."

"The Crying Game?  That sounds sad.  We don't like sad movies unless there's a bunch of women in it."

"It's not really a sad movie exactly Mom.  It's a thriller and there's a twist sort of ending.  I think you would like it."

"Okay.  What else?"

"OW!  Not so hard!"

"Don't be a baby.  I've got to get the comb through this mess."

"There's one movie that I really liked, Shaun of the Dead, but I'm not sure how the ladies would like it."

"What's it about?"

"Well it's really about this guy's relationship.  It takes place in England and there's zombies."

"Nonsense.  We'd have to zap through the zombie thing.  And English accents.. well, I don't know.  Slump down a little, I can't reach your bangs."

"I don't have bangs."

"You will when I'm done."

"It's really a good movie.  I think you might like it."

"I'm not going on just your recommendation.  You liked Close Encounters.  Went on about it for a week after we saw it."  

::spray spray spray::

::cough cough::

"Mom you're going to kill us with that hairspray!  What are you doing?"

"You got to build up a base of hairspray before you can start shaping the hair.  Everyone knows that."

"Mom, I was like eleven when Close Encounters came out.  You can't hold that against me.  Besides, it was a good movie."

"HA!  Stupid long movie that encouraged kids to play with their potatoes.  And that ending!  Really, we're suppose to think that aliens are like tiny Luby's Cafeteria organists?  DA DA DA DUM DUM!  And there's that, that DA DA DA DUM DUM!  People singing that everywhere for a couple of years."  ::yank::

"OW!"

"Oh calm down.  I'm not going to rip out your hair.  You know when a movie starts to get on everyone's nerves, someone should have to pay.  DA DA DA DUM DUM!  Everytime someone says that, the movie men should have to give us back some money."

"You want movie reparations?"

"Yes.  ::sigh:: You have your father's hair.  What a mess."

"Well other than the fact that there's no way to make it happen, I might be in favor of movie reparations.  Are you backcombing!?

"I'm just ratting up a little.  I know what I'm doing.  Oh, I forgot to tell you, Louise wants to do the movie critic thing with me.  We're going to be like Siskel and Ebert.  We're trying to think up a snappy name.  Louise liked Sizzle and E-Bear.  I think Sizzle might be a little too racy.  Those internet people would expect spicy women doing reviews."

"Not to mention the visits from people looking for E-Bears."

"E-Bears?  What would people think E-bears were?"

"...ah, nothing Mom.  Are you almost finished with my hair?"

"Yes, and what is an E-Bear?"

"...ah, just maybe people would think that it was a bear bear.  That's all Mom."

"You're a terrible liar.  Tell me."

"I don't want to get into it because I don't want to travel down that road today with you."

"So it has to do with sex then."

"...ah... How's the hair coming?"

"I'm almost done.  Tell me."

"No."

"DA DA DA DUM DUM!! Tell me."

"Mom you're not going to torture it out of me."

"DA DA DA DUM DUM!  Tell me!"

"Mom, this is childish.  Really, it's nothing."

"DA DA DA DUM DUM!  TELL ME!  ::yank::"

"OW!  You did that on purpose!  I'm not telling you now because you're being mean."

"DA DA DA DUM DUM!  ggggrrrrrowwwwellll.  TELL ME!"

"Well I could have guessed the growl was coming.  Let me get the camera."

"You stay sitting right there young lady until I'm done with your hair and you tell me what an E-Bear is.  DA DA DA DUM DUM!  grrrrowwweellll."

"Okay, okay!  It's just "bear" is a word gay men use to describe big, hairy gay men."

"See?  Was that so hard to tell me?  Lean over, I'm going to spray this to set it."

::spray spray spray spray::

::cough cough cough::

"We're going to die!"

"You're so melodramatic.   You get that from your Aunt Jackie.  Go look in the mirror.  It's so much better.  You don't look like you have a dead skunk on your head anymore."

....

"Mom, I look like Tammy Wynette on crack."

"Oh you wish you looked as good as Tammy Wynette, but I had to work with what you had."

"I can't go out looking like this.  It's like my head exploded."

"It looks good!  Quit squashing it!"

"God Mom, how much hairspray did you put on?"

"Enough!  You know thinking about the bear thing.  There was this one time..."

"DA DA DA DUM DUM!"

"Don't you DA DA DA DUM DUM your mother!"

 Me, trying to look like a Tammy Wynette zombie

The upcoming movie short list:

• Crying Game - "I'm telling the ladies that this was your idea.  It better not be pure-d-nonsense or you're going to have some explaining to do."
• Kill Bill 1 &2 - "Oh this one has a coma and an assassins club?  Oh the ladies will like that!  I imagine some of us would have liked to join an assassins club at one time or another."
• The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert - "That just sounds like fun.  I bet it has lots a bright colors."
• Bridget Jones' Diary - "Sounds stupid, but some of the ladies like stupid."

 [Mom wants me to tell you Happy New Year.  And she appreciates you coming by and reading my diary.  She says she'll do her best with the movie reviews and she will try to get through the list.  I have to show her what I've written about her review and she's going to approve it [great, an editor].  She says that she'll post one and let you know what the next upcoming movie is, so you can watch it too.]

[I too want to thank all of you for stopping by my silly blog.  It's been so nice for both my mother and I.  She's been so excited about this process.  You can't know how grateful I am for that - really.]