(WARNING:  Save yourself, very long post ahead)

"I want to go to K-Mart."

"Why Mom?"

"It's part of my New Year's resolution."

"You made a resolution to go to K-Mart?  That's one of the saddest things I've ever heard."

"No, not a K-Mart specific resolution.  I resolved to trying new things and doing regular things a little differently if I can.  So I was going to ask you to go to Walmart today, but I'm saying I want to go to K-Mart instead."

"I don't know where a K-Mart is Mom.  They closed around here years ago."

"Oh.  Well I guess that Walmart will do then, but I'll go to departments that I don't usually go to."

"..."

"Why are you looking at me like that?"

"Mom, this is going to be an exhausting day, isn't it?"

"Oh loosen up!  Besides, I need to go to the garden or the sports department anyway.  I need a sandbag."

"A sandbag?  What do you need sand for?"

"They're predicting floods.  The radio said for everyone to get some sandbags.  Seattle is suppose to be an island by tomorrow."

"We don't live in a flood plain Mom, and what are you going to do with a sandbag?  You live in an interior entrance apartment."

"I'll prop it outside my door in the hall."

"Mom, since you moved to the first floor they don't even let you keep your howdy door mat out anymore, do you think that they're going to approve of a big bag of sand slumping at your door?"

"I'll put it on the inside of my door then."

"You don't need a sandbag."

"Young people always think the disaster will bypass them.  I'm getting a sandbag."

"Mom, Walmart doesn't sell sandbags."

"Of course Walmart sells sandbags.  They sale everything."

"It doesn't matter, you don't need a sandbag."

"I'm getting a sandbag."

"Okay, get a sandbag."

"I will."

........

 [ring]

"Hello, this is your mother."

"Hi Mom.  We've been in the store an hour and you haven't called me.  No hurry, but I just want to make sure you're okay."

"We're in Walmart.  How could I not be okay?"

"Just checking.  Where are you?"

"I'm looking at bicycles."

"Why are you looking at bicycles?"

"It's a department that I've never been in before.  Remember?  I'm going to go to new places.  That's my resolution.  I'm still looking for a sandbag too."

"Mom, Walmart doesn't sale sandbags."

"Walmart sales everything.  Anyway, I'm fine.  I'll call you when I'm done."

.....

[ring]

"Hello, this is your mother."

"Mom, we've been in the store for almost two hours.  Where are you?"

"I'm looking at baby clothes."

"Why?"

"Boy, you're having a menopausal morning, aren't you?  Remember, I'm looking at things I don't usually look at.  These clothes are so darling.  You should have another baby."

"::gasp:: NO.  Besides, just like you said, I'm menopausal.  Mom, I don't want to rush you or anything, but really, this is sort of dragging on.  Will you be ready to go soon?"

"As soon as I find a sandbag."

"Mom, really, I'm not teasing you.  They don't sale sandbags.  I don't think they even have sand for sale right now.  The garden department is closed for a couple more weeks."

"I'm going to go to the camping department.  I bet they have sandbags there."

"Mom, they don't sale sandbags here."

"I'll call you when I get my sandbag."

"We're going to die here, aren't we?"

"Quit being dramatic.  I'll call you in a few minutes."

.....

[ring]

"Hello, this is your daughter."

"They don't sale sandbags here."

"I'm shocked."

"Don't be sassy.  The gun man told me that they don't sale sandbags.  He says that you have to go get them from an emergency zone or something.  Take me to an emergency zone."

"Mom, I don't want to be disrespectful, but I'm not driving into a flood zone to pick you up a sandbag."

".... Okay, I guess that makes sense.”

"Are you ready to go then?"

"I'll be ready to go as soon as I buy some things to make my own sandbag."

"Mom, I just told you that they don't have sand right now."

"You know I have an imagination!  I can put together something."

"I'm too tired to ask.  Call me when you're ready or if you need help."

"I won't need help."

.....

[ring]

"Hello this is your daughter."

"I need some help."

"Okay, where are you?"

"I'm at the grocery area.  I can't reach the rice, and everyone around here looks as short as me."

"Okay, I'll be there in a sec."

.....

"Okay, got your rice.  Can we go now?"

"I want another five boxes."

"Five?"

"Yes, I'm going to put the rice in a trash bag and make my own sandbag."

"..."

"Why are you looking at me like that?  It's a good idea."

"You're going to put instant rice in a trash bag.  Of course.  That's a great idea."

"You sound sarcastic.  It is a good idea."

"You know, it's your business.  If it makes you happy, it's a good idea.  Are you ready to go now?"

"Yes.  I met my resolution goals for Walmart.  Let's go."

"Where do you want to go eat?"

"..."

"Oh Mom.  I know what that look means.  Why do you want to go there?"

"It's part of my resolution."

"I don't like the sound of this."

…..

"Where do you want to sit?"

"I don't care.  We'll figure it out after you do your buffet drive by."

"I don't need to do that today.   Part of my resolution is to try new things.  I'll go sit and you just get me stuff."

"That's a really bad idea Mom."

"No it's not!  Be adventurous!  Whatever you see that you know that I usually wouldn't eat, get it for me."

"That's a really, really bad idea Mom."

"When did you get so stodgy?  You need to open yourself up to new things.  Now do what your mother tells you to do."

...

 "What's that?"

"That's Boston Seafood Salad.  That's something I know I've never seen you eat."

"You know I don't eat imitation crab meat!"

"Open yourself up to new things Mother."

"Don't be a smarty pants!  What's that?"

"That's Bourbon Street Chicken."

"What makes it Bourbon Street Chicken?  Did a drunk person make it?  It looks terrible."

"Well we lived in New Orleans for years and I never saw chicken like that.  I'm not even certain if that's chicken."

"It looks like intestine.  What's that?"

"That's German Cabbage."

"Oh.  That's going to make me gassy.  Why are there tomatoes in it?  I didn't know that tomatoes were German."

"I told you this was not a great idea Mom.  Just don't eat it.  I'll go get the usual stuff."

"I have to at least taste this stuff to stay with my resolution."

"Mom, don't eat that if you don't want... well too late I see."

"Dis is hor-able."

"What?"

"Dis is awwfull.  Uck away."

"Did you just pretend to blow your nose and spit stuff into that napkin?"

"Shhhhhhh.... go get me some more napkins.  We'll hide the food under them."

"Mom, I'll just push these plates to the side.  She'll come by and get them.  I'll get you a new plate of food."

"NO!  We can't do that.  Then she'll know we wasted all this food!  We have to hide it somehow.  Go get some more plates and we'll spread it around and them stack them."

"I'm not going to do that Mom.  That's just making more dirty plates.  She'd rather we just push it to the side."

"Wait, wait.  I'll watch her.  When she turns her back, put those plates on the other table."

"If that will make you feel better, I'll do that, but it's silly."

"I don't want to look ungrateful."

"Trust me Mom, Old Country Buffet doesn't expect you to be grateful.  After I ditch the plates, do you want the usual?"

"Yes.  But this still counts toward my resolution."

"Yes Mom.  I agree that it counts toward your resolution.  I'm proud of you."

"I am too."