Crying Shame Os'ers, Mom's not afraid of big ding dongs
“Hello, this is your daughter.”
“Hello, this is your mother. I’m about to go to the activity room to watch that movie you got us, The Crying something.”
“That’s good. Saturday is unusual for you guys to watch a movie. I thought it was bingo night.”
“It is, but Don lost the key to the bingo hopper. People are bored around here.”
“Mom, I’ve seen that bingo hopper. You could break into it with a bent hairpin.”
“Ha! There’s so much talk now about how the bingo is fixed, that’s all we need to do, break into the hopper, to push some people over the edge.”
“Since they shut down letting you guys play for money, what do you play for now?”
“Grocery coupons. Everyone has to put in three a round.”
“Okay Mom, that’s just sad.”
“Well people don’t play for the coupons really. They play for the glory.”
“Mom, there is no glory in bingo.”
“Someday you’ll understand. I’ve got to hang up now. I promised Mave I’d help set up snack.”
“What’s the snack this time?”
“Brownies and grape juice. Have you ever heard of such? Sounds awful. Mave needs to quit watching Martha Stewart.”
“I guess that’s like chocolate and port.”
“I don’t know about port chocolate. I can tell you though, before it’s over, someone will spill the grape juice. Okay, I’ll call you back in a bit.”
**********
“Hello, this is your daughter.”
“Hello, this is your mother. Why would a banker kidnap an African American man? What does he want?”
“Huh?”
“The movie! We paused it so I could call. We’re having trouble understanding. They have funny accents. So there’s this African American man that was getting frisky with this blond girl at a fair and suddenly this banker conks him in the head and sticks a mask on him. Why?”
“Mom it’s been a long time since I’ve seen that movie, but I’m certain there’s not a banker in it.”
“Well it’s possible we got that mixed up somehow. Stella is nearest to the speaker. She said he was talking about IRAs and other things she couldn’t understand.”
“Oh! Mom, that’s Irish Republican Army, not Individual Retirement Account.”
“I forgot about them! That makes more sense. Though I bet there’s a few people that would like to conk their bankers in the head right now.”
“Okay Mom, go back to the movie.”
“Wait! Why did he kidnap that African American man?”
“Mom, not all black men in movies are African American. That character is English. If I remember right, he’s a soldier.”
“We knew he had an English accent, but we thought he was playing an African American. Do the English call them African Englishmen? We need to know for the review.”
“That’s a good question Mom. I don’t know. How’s the snack going?”
“The brownies make the grape juice taste better. The grape juice make the brownies taste worse. I don’t understand it. I’d rather have coffee. Okay, I’ll explain about the banker and the African American Englishman. He looks really pudgy to be a soldier. I’ll call you later.”
**********
“Hello, this is your daughter. At this pace you guys are never going to get through the movie.”
“You’re suppose to wait until I say ‘This is your mother,’ before you say anything else. Remember?”
“Sorry. Why are you calling this time?”
“We didn’t stop the movie so I could call. We stopped it so Lucille could go and take her pot pie out of the oven. I don’t know why you would put in a pot pie right before you go see a movie, but I guess it’s not my business. I do have a question though.”
“What?”
“Who’s this movie about? We just got settled in with the African American Englishman soldier and then he got hit by a truck. That’s where we paused it. Some of the ladies liked that scene. We’re going to rewind it and watch it again when Lucille gets back.”
“The movie is about the other guy and a girl.”
“I hope it’s not that mean blond girl. I don’t like her.”
“No, not her, it’s a character you haven’t seen yet.”
“Okay, Lucille is back. Looks like she brought some cups of milk. I’m going to go grab one so I don’t have to drink this juice. I’ll call you in a bit.”
**********
“Hello, this is your daughter.”
“Hello, this is your mother. We’re done with the movie.”
“What did you think?”
“Well I know why your diary friends wanted us to watch it. It did shock a couple of us. Mave tumped her grape juice when she gasped. Bob thought it was funny. I swear he got the giggles.”
“Did you like the movie?”
“Eh. I’ll save my thoughts for the review. I do have a message for your diary friends though.”
“Uh oh. I know that tone. What?”
“They think we’re all a bunch of pruney biddies, don’t they? We’re not! We’re hip. We’re hipper than most of them I bet. You tell them that. Most of us have lived through four wars, raised rotten kids, and buried at least one husband. Seeing a big ding dong on the TV isn’t going to upset us too much. In fact, I bet we could shock one or two of them with some of the things we’ve lived through. You know, this one time…”
“NO! No ‘this one time’ stories right now. I’ll give them your message. Will you and Louise be ready to do the review tomorrow?”
“Yes. You bring some cookies, some REAL cookies this time. I don’t like Hydrox.”
“Okay, I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Make sure to tell your friends my message.”
“I will.”
Mom wants me to tell you that she's not afraid of boy-girls or big ding dongs, so bring it on DIARY PEOPLE!
@@@@@
Betty: “Hi this is Betty.”
Louise: “Hi this is Louise. Today we’re going to talk about some movie.”
Betty: “I don’t remember what the movie name was. Something about crying.”
Me: “The Crying Game.”
Betty: “They should have called it For Crying Shame.”
Louise: “You didn’t like it Betty?”
Betty: “Not really. It was sort of dull except for those two scenes. I also don’t think that man would be able to get over that girl being a man that quick.”
Louise: “I liked the movie. I thought it was sweet. Though that boy-girl was dumb as a rock.”
Betty: “Sweet? No. That African American Englishman gets all run over, and that Irish Scotsman is all whiny. The girl boy is just silly and puts up with that idiot man in that shiny track suit. The blond woman is just mean and seems to enjoy it. The other man doesn’t even have a character. If it wasn’t for those two shocking scenes, there wouldn’t be any reason to watch this movie.”
Louise: “Well I agree with most of what you said, but I thought that the story about love being love no matter what was nice.”
Betty: “I get what the movie was suppose to be about. I just don’t believe those people would really be that way. And do you think that boy-girl is going to stay out of trouble while he’s in prison? I don’t think so. She’s too needy. And he’s going to be just fine with her being a her until he gets out of prison and then there’s this big ding dong he has to deal with.”
Louise: “You’re probably right, but I still sort of liked the movie.”
Betty: “Let’s open our ratings.”
[rustle]
Betty: “I gave it one crow.”
Louise: “I gave it one cat.”
Me: “What does that mean?”
Betty: “::sigh:: That means Louise won. I thought that she might, but I didn’t hate the movie enough to give it two crows.”
Me: “What do you want me to get you next?”
Betty: “We need a break from girls that are really boys movies. There’s more to life.”
Louise: “We need something shoot them up, I think.”
Betty: “There was that movie on the list about the assassin’s club. What was that?”
Me: “Kill Bill.”
Betty: “Does it have boy-girls or pictures of big ding dongs?”
Me: “That I don’t know. I’ve never seen it.”
Louise: “Then you need to come to movie night!”
Me: “OH NO. I mean, thank you, but no.”
Betty: “Don’t be ridiculous. You’re coming.”
Me: …..
Betty: “What’s wrong honey? You look scared.”
Me: “I’m scared.”
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Tom King
Mature Student
Beth Mann
Linda Seccaspina
Saturn Smith
HenryR
Salon.com
Comments
Totally rated (for your mother)
After Kill Bill, get them a copy of The World According to Garp. That one will keep them busy for a while.
But we need to know ... how many cats???
Wow! Mom and I have actually asked the same question! :-D
I wasn't impressed with the Crying Game either.
more suggestions: The Rock, Millions, Brokedown Palace
So you know I love Mom, I won't keep saying it but I do. I'm glad she's not afraid of big ding dongs. It's funny, we do think about the elderly as prudes at times, and some of them are. Mom isn't. I think they should watch "The Bourne Identity" if they want a shoot 'em up. It's exciting and, as far as I remember, no boy-girls.
This is true. You tell them, I say they are absolutely right about that.
Of course, I spend a lot of time hanging out with people who are in their ninth decade of life. Our visitors this week have been 1) a friend in his 50s, 2) our 80-year-old next-door neighbor, 3) my 80-year old mother, 4) Irvin's 80-year-old Dad and young bride (in her late 70s). I have little experience with youngsters these days!
Tell your mother I'm completely CERTAIN that they are more hip than I am and more with it.
I so love her.
Why would a banker kidnap an African American man?
I had totally the same reaction as you; glad you explained about the IRAs. & I do agree with your Mom that Brownies & grape juice just seems wrong; I, too, would rather have a coffee.
Can't wait for Kill Bill.
The Bourne series would be great! I'm adding those to the list. I'm afraid Mom is pretty sold on watching "Kill Bill" -- I'm getting them 1&2. I've warned them that from what I know it's extreme. That's fine with them. I think you guys got their backs up. They want to prove to you that they can take it. This whole thing is sort of taking on a you vs. them feel to it.... you "diary people"!!
Hey, Kill Bill was a pretty good movie if you like watching people die in creative and kung-fu-like ways. I won't go into any details, but it was ...uh... interesting. You know, though, that you'll have to Volume I and Volume II separately. trying to do them back-to-back will probably cause some sort of pot pie revolt, I'll bet.
Thumbed, mom is fearless. How does she feel about Smiling Bob? ;-D
*sulks because he didn't get invited to movie night*
Kill Bill 1&2 are both good. The Bourne movies are all great too.
If they like Kill Bill, you should try Pulp Fiction....though there is a big ding dong in that one, I think.
I just knew your mom was not a pruney biddy! I would like to go on record as stating something to that effect a while back. I hope to be as cool as your mom when I'm her age.
I would be interested in hearing what they think about "War, Inc." I don't know if any of them would have the dirty, dirty thoughts I have about John Cusak but it was a good movie anyway.
I want to sit in on one of these movie showings someday. Then I can probably say my life is complete.
Very funny!
when day to day reality is soooooo funny ?
Real, Funny. Period.
I love these movie reviews. The Crying Shame was awesome.
I hope you show them "What About Bob" some time!
if they want blood and gore.. and like musicals/operas either get them sweeny todd.. or even better get then Repo! the genetic opera it just came out the other week!!
The closest I can figure about the rating system is that it's a 2 crow to 1 cat ratio. So it would take 2 crows to beat one cat. For a tie, it would be one and a half crow to one cat.
What about "Run, Lola, Run"?
I still say you should be videoing these reviews and putting them on YouTube.
Trying to shock a mom is like trying to shock a parish priest - they've heard it all before.
The British call them 'Black'. If they're not British, then they let that be known, e.g. 'black Frenchman'. This makes sense: many blacks in Britain are NOT from Africa, but rather from the Americas. In fact, the majority of of the Black British population is either Caribbean Black or mixed-race, if one still self-identifies as a Black Briton, i.e. half-white, half-black.
Also, generally, IF nationality is brought into it they usually refer to 'British X'. Such as, a 'British Asian'. This isn't always the case, and it seems as though there's no standard convention for 'which comes first', the 'national origin' or the British. The English, Scots, Welsh and Irish, of course, comprise their own identity--although for census purposes, this would usually just mean 'White British', as opposed to 'White Other', i.e. a Polish immigrant.
As a Hispanic American I would either label myself as White Other or, if I want to get ridiculously difficult, Mixed Race/Other.
But I think I enjoyed this review even more. :-)
[1:36:12 PM] Deven says: HEY!
[1:36:30 PM] Deven says: mom wanted me to ask you what the politically correct term was for a black englishman
[1:48:28 PM] Deven says: you're gone
[1:48:39 PM] Deven says: and now mom will never know
[1:58:55 PM] pasta's human says: black
[2:02:17 PM] Deven says: that's too sensible
[2:02:23 PM] Deven says: you need a hyphen something
[2:02:24 PM] pasta's human says: damn
[2:02:36 PM] pasta's human says: you said politically correct
[2:02:39 PM] pasta's human says: we just do black
[2:02:40 PM] Deven says: yes
[2:02:44 PM] Deven says: again, too sensible
[2:02:52 PM] pasta's human says: we just do black
[2:02:53 PM] Deven says: African-Englishman
[2:02:59 PM] pasta's human says: there is afro carribean
[2:03:12 PM] Deven says: or you can call them what my mom would call them African-American-Englishman
[2:03:25 PM] pasta's human says: that would work
[2:03:34 PM] pasta's human says: just tell your mom she is correct
love love love
Deven, you MUST take your camera to video night! And why did we not get a video of Mom giving us the raspberry???
I was already laughing like a loon, but this put me right over the top: "Most of us have lived through four wars, raised rotten kids, and buried at least one husband. Seeing a big ding dong on the TV isn’t going to upset us too much."
Were you a rotten kid? I know I sure was.
again. laugh out loud funny. thank you. mom is/was adorable. this is like talking to my grandmother.
her: you need to meet your cousin norman gorman, dear. he lives near you. he's a lovely man.
me: okay, that means he's nice to his mother. i'll try, grandma esther. i'm kind of busy now with the screenwriting thing. (omitting the being a big 'ho thing so as not to cause heart attack.)
her: don't try. go meet him. Norman Gorman, darling, Norman Gorman.
me: sounds like a Dr. Suess character.
her: no, darling, he's a dentist.
Priceless. My eyes leaked the whole post. Rated for extraordinary humor in the face of ding dongs.
Love your mom
3 cats
Question: does the movie group watch the movies with the subtitles on? my mom does because sometimes she can't understand what anyone is saying...
Mom and Louise want me to take them to see "Benjamin Button."
Then again, what movie WOULDN'T be fun to hear reviewed??
And you might be right about the 10 purses if you watch the Kill Bills. (Sorry to any fans, but on a TV, they might be kind of boring and dumb). Yeah, go with NO COUNTRY... It’d be a tear to hear a review of that one, especially on the meaning of the ending.
AND, glad to see the hipster-doofus making a comeback in your tags... Thank you! Very fun.
Great to get another generation's perspective on it!
Definitely, two crows can beat one cat any day.
Some pretty limp suggestions for future movies, though. Why don't you ask Mom to ask her friends what their favorite movies are? It might give you more of a clue what to suggest.