“Hello, this is your daughter.”

“Hello, this is your mother.  I’m about to go to the activity room to watch that movie you got us, The Crying something.”

“That’s good.  Saturday is unusual for you guys to watch a movie.  I thought it was bingo night.”

“It is, but Don lost the key to the bingo hopper.  People are bored around here.”

“Mom, I’ve seen that bingo hopper.  You could break into it with a bent hairpin.”

“Ha!  There’s so much talk now about how the bingo is fixed, that’s all we need to do, break into the hopper, to push some people over the edge.”

“Since they shut down letting you guys play for money, what do you play for now?”

“Grocery coupons.  Everyone has to put in three a round.”

“Okay Mom, that’s just sad.”

“Well people don’t play for the coupons really.  They play for the glory.”

“Mom, there is no glory in bingo.”

“Someday you’ll understand.  I’ve got to hang up now.  I promised Mave I’d help set up snack.”

“What’s the snack this time?”

“Brownies and grape juice.  Have you ever heard of such? Sounds awful.  Mave needs to quit watching Martha Stewart.”

“I guess that’s like chocolate and port.”

“I don’t know about port chocolate.  I can tell you though, before it’s over, someone will spill the grape juice.  Okay, I’ll call you back in a bit.”

**********

“Hello, this is your daughter.”

“Hello, this is your mother.  Why would a banker kidnap an African American man?  What does he want?”

“Huh?”

“The movie!  We paused it so I could call.  We’re having trouble understanding.  They have funny accents.  So there’s this African American man that was getting frisky with this blond girl at a fair and suddenly this banker conks him in the head and sticks a mask on him.  Why?”

“Mom it’s been a long time since I’ve seen that movie, but I’m certain there’s not a banker in it.”

“Well it’s possible we got that mixed up somehow.  Stella is nearest to the speaker.  She said he was talking about IRAs and other things she couldn’t understand.”

“Oh!  Mom, that’s Irish Republican Army, not Individual Retirement Account.”

“I forgot about them!  That makes more sense.  Though I bet there’s a few people that would like to conk their bankers in the head right now.”

“Okay Mom, go back to the movie.”

“Wait!  Why did he kidnap that African American man?”

“Mom, not all black men in movies are African American.  That character is English.  If I remember right, he’s a soldier.”

“We knew he had an English accent, but we thought he was playing an African American.  Do the English call them African Englishmen?  We need to know for the review.”

“That’s a good question Mom.  I don’t know. How’s the snack going?”

“The brownies make the grape juice taste better.  The grape juice make the brownies taste worse.  I don’t understand it.  I’d rather have coffee.  Okay, I’ll explain about the banker and the African American Englishman.  He looks really pudgy to be a soldier.  I’ll call you later.”

**********

“Hello, this is your daughter.  At this pace you guys are never going to get through the movie.”

“You’re suppose to wait until I say ‘This is your mother,’ before you say anything else.  Remember?”

“Sorry.  Why are you calling this time?”

“We didn’t stop the movie so I could call.  We stopped it so Lucille could go and take her pot pie out of the oven.  I don’t know why you would put in a pot pie right before you go see a movie, but I guess it’s not my business.  I do have a question though.”

“What?”

“Who’s this movie about?  We just got settled in with the African American Englishman soldier and then he got hit by a truck.  That’s where we paused it.  Some of the ladies liked that scene.  We’re going to rewind it and watch it again when Lucille gets back.”

“The movie is about the other guy and a girl.”

“I hope it’s not that mean blond girl.  I don’t like her.”

“No, not her, it’s a character you haven’t seen yet.”

“Okay, Lucille is back.  Looks like she brought some cups of milk.  I’m going to go grab one so I don’t have to drink this juice.  I’ll call you in a bit.”

**********

“Hello, this is your daughter.”

“Hello, this is your mother.  We’re done with the movie.”

“What did you think?”

“Well I know why your diary friends wanted us to watch it.  It did shock a couple of us.  Mave tumped her grape juice when she gasped.  Bob thought it was funny.  I swear he got the giggles.”

“Did you like the movie?”

“Eh.  I’ll save my thoughts for the review.  I do have a message for your diary friends though.”

“Uh oh. I know that tone.  What?”

“They think we’re all a bunch of pruney biddies, don’t they?  We’re not!  We’re hip.  We’re hipper than most of them I bet.  You tell them that.  Most of us have lived through four wars, raised rotten kids, and buried at least one husband.  Seeing a big ding dong on the TV isn’t going to upset us too much.  In fact, I bet we could shock one or two of them with some of the things we’ve lived through.  You know, this one time…”

“NO!  No ‘this one time’ stories right now.  I’ll give them your message.  Will you and Louise be ready to do the review tomorrow?”

“Yes.  You bring some cookies, some REAL cookies this time.  I don’t like Hydrox.”

“Okay, I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Make sure to tell your friends my message.”

“I will.”

Mom wants me to tell you that she's not afraid of boy-girls or big ding dongs, so bring it on DIARY PEOPLE! 

@@@@@

Betty:  “Hi this is Betty.”

Louise:  “Hi this is Louise.  Today we’re going to talk about some movie.”

Betty:  “I don’t remember what the movie name was.  Something about crying.”

Me:  “The Crying Game.”

Betty:  “They should have called it For Crying Shame.”

Louise:  “You didn’t like it Betty?”

Betty:  “Not really.  It was sort of dull except for those two scenes.  I also don’t think that man would be able to get over that girl being a man that quick.”

Louise:  “I liked the movie.  I thought it was sweet.  Though that boy-girl was dumb as a rock.”

Betty:  “Sweet?  No.  That African American Englishman gets all run over, and that Irish Scotsman is all whiny.  The girl boy is just silly and puts up with that idiot man in that shiny track suit.  The blond woman is just mean and seems to enjoy it.  The other man doesn’t even have a character.  If it wasn’t for those two shocking scenes, there wouldn’t be any reason to watch this movie.”

Louise:  “Well I agree with most of what you said, but I thought that the story about love being love no matter what was nice.”

Betty:  “I get what the movie was suppose to be about.  I just don’t believe those people would really be that way.  And do you think that boy-girl is going to stay out of trouble while he’s in prison?  I don’t think so.  She’s too needy.  And he’s going to be just fine with her being a her until he gets out of prison and then there’s this big ding dong he has to deal with.”

Louise:  “You’re probably right, but I still sort of liked the movie.”

Betty:  “Let’s open our ratings.”

[rustle]

Betty:  “I gave it one crow.”

Louise:  “I gave it one cat.”

Me:  “What does that mean?”

Betty:  “::sigh::  That means Louise won.  I thought that she might, but I didn’t hate the movie enough to give it two crows.”

Me:  “What do you want me to get you next?”

Betty:  “We need a break from girls that are really boys movies.  There’s more to life.”

Louise:  “We need something shoot them up, I think.”

Betty:  “There was that movie on the list about the assassin’s club.  What was that?”

Me:  “Kill Bill.”

Betty:  “Does it have boy-girls or pictures of big ding dongs?”

Me:  “That I don’t know.  I’ve never seen it.”

Louise:  “Then you need to come to movie night!”

Me:  “OH NO.  I mean, thank you, but no.”

Betty:  “Don’t be ridiculous.  You’re coming.”

Me:  …..

Betty:  “What’s wrong honey?  You look scared.”

Me:  “I’m scared.”