"Mom, Bob's been messing with that dvd for about twenty minutes.  Do you think he needs help?"

"Oh lord, don't try to help him.  That would hurt his feelings.  He'll get it ready by the time the club starts.  Those butterfly cookies are pretty.  Did you find the coffee filters?"

"Yes, I have the pot all ready to go.  I should probably wait a couple of minutes before hitting the brew button.  Does Movie Night start at twelve or twelve fifteen?  And why do you call it Movie Night if it's in the afternoon?"

"Because Movie Afternoon doesn't sound as a good.  You're all fidgety.  What's wrong?"

"I'm just a little nervous."

"You're nervous?  What about me?  Since we have a little bit of time, I want to tell you something."

"What Mom?"

"I want you to behave yourself."

"::gasp:: Behave myself!  Of course I'll behave myself.  It's not like I was planning half way through the movie to drop my pants or..."

"You better not!"

"Mom, how can you seriously think I'd take off my pants during the movie?"

"Who knows what you'll do.  You took your dress off in church once."

"I was TWO YEARS OLD..."

"There you were, standing on a pew ripping off your dress in front of Dr. Ammons, Sister Carol, and Jesus..."

"I WAS TWO!"

"Well, you just better not take off any clothes during the movie."

"I can promise you I won't."

"Hush, hush.  Here they come."

"Okay, I hit the brew button."

"Now, behave..."

"..."

***********

Mom:  "As you know my daughter Deven is joining us tonight..."

Me:  "It's afternoon..."

Mom:  "You promised to behave.  Tansy has a little something to present to you."

Tansy:  "This is to welcome you to the club.  I call it a shawffler"

Me:  "Shawffler?"

Tansy:  "Yes.  I thought you were too young for a movie watching shawl, so I thought I'd knit you a muffler.  Then I remembered you were a big girl, and thought you might need something bigger than a muffler.  So, this is part shawl, part muffler.  A shawffler."

Me:   "That's brilliant.  Thank you so much."

Tansy:  "You're most welcome.  I made it this ugly shade of green your mother said you liked."

Me:  "Really, I do appreciate it.  That was so sweet of you.  No one has ever..."

Mom:  "Move it along Deven, it's not like you're accepting an award.  Tell us a little bit about the movie and then take a seat."

Me:  "Does someone have their hand up?"

Mom:  "That's Thelma.  What is it Thelma?"

Thelma:  "I told my grandson that we were watching No Man's Land starring Tommy Lee at the recommendation of the diary people.  He said that he only knew of one video that Tommy Lee was in, and if we watched it, it would kill us.  He also asked if the diary people were perverts."

Me:  "Miss Thelma, we're watching a movie that has Tommy Lee Jones in it, not Tommy Lee."

Thelma:  "Is Tommy Lee Jones the one married to that busty Bay Watch girl?"

Me:  "No, that's Tommy Lee."

Thelma:  "So this movie isn't going to kill us?"

Me:  "It shouldn't.  There's some violence, but that's it."

Thelma:  "That's a little disappointing."

Me: "..."

Mom:  "Thelma, was there anything else?"

Thelma:  "No.  I was just looking forward to the movie killing one of us, but that's okay."

Me:  "I'm sorry.  I don't really need to tell you much about the movie.  The plot is pretty easy to follow."

Mom:  "Then take your shawffler and have a seat, and behave."

***********

Mom:  "This is making me lonesome for home.  Look at those wide skies."

Louise:  "That man looks like a vampire.  Is this a vampire movie?  I don't like vampires.  They're nonsense."

Mom:  "I don't think that vampires have oxygen tanks."

Tansy:  "I bet that oxygen tank is a symbol for something."

Bob:  "Well I have to take a tinkle."

Louise:  "Do you want us to pause for you?"

Bob:  "No, no. I'll be right back."

Louise:  "Oh, he killed that deputy boy!"

Mom:  "With the oxygen tank.  Isn't that clever."

Tansy:  "MaryBeth has an oxygen tank kind of like that.  Maybe we should watch out for her."

Mom, Louise, Tansy:  "heheheeee heeee"

Bob:  "What did I miss?"

Louise:  "Well that vampire killed the deputy boy with the oxygen tank."

Bob:  "That's too bad.  I would have liked a movie about the deputy boy."

Louise:  "Who's this man?  Is he a bad guy or good guy?"

Bob:  "Is he a vampire too?  Why are all the vampires out running around in the daylight?"

Mom:  "He's hunting deer.  I don't think he's a vampire, just the guy with the weird hair."

Tansy:  "You're from Texas Betty, do you have a rifle?"

Mom:  "They won't let us have candles, and you think that I have a rifle in my apartment?"

Tansy:  "Well you could.  You have candles."

Louise:  "That's so silly anyway.  What do they think we're doing at all those Yankee Candle parties?"

Mom:  "I don't have a rifle Tansy."

Tansy:  "So you hunt with candles?"

Tansy, Mom, Louise:  "hee heeee heeee"

Louise:  "Oh there's been a shootout.  That looks so nasty.  Fast forward Bob."

Bob:  "Okay, tell me when to stop."

Mom:  "I still can't tell if this is a good guy, a bad guy, or a vampire."

Louise:  "Well, he lives in a trailer.  I'm thinking he might not be a vampire.  Too much light would seep in during the day for a vampire.  It's probably just the weird hair guy that is."

Bob:  "Well the other vampire was out during the day."

Tansy:  "That was only because he was an arrested vampire.  That's probably why he killed the deputy boy.  I bet the oxygen tank was a symbol that vampires don't need air."

Mom:  "I think vampires need air."

Tansy:  "No they don't, or all those movies would have people smothering the vampire instead of staking them."

Mom:  "Oh.  You're right Tansy."

Bob:  "Well I have to tinkle again ladies.  Will you pause?"

Mom:  "Go ahead Bob.  We need to ask my daughter some questions anyway."

Me:  "What is it Mom?"

Mom:  "What's going on in the movie?"

Me:  "Well, that man isn't a vampire.  He's like a drug lord or something like that.  The hunter guy is a good guy.  He found a suitcase of money at that shootout and took it.  He went home and hid it.  He went back to the shootout scene because he felt bad for that man that was left there in the hot car.  He was going to bring him water."

Tansy:  "I'm pretty sure the other guy is a vampire.  He was probably bringing back water to the guy at the shootout to throw on him.  You can melt vampires with water."

Louise:  "Tansy, that's wicked witches you melt with water."

Tansy:  "Then why would he go back to that shootout?  That was silly."

Mom:  "That other guy is a vampire.  That's what the oxygen tanks was all about.  Deven, you must have just missed that."

Thelma:  "It's a vampire movie.  That's that."

Bob:  "Thank you ladies.  Now back to the movie."

Louise:  "Oh no, devil dogs.  I don't like that.  Fast forward through this bit Bob."

Bob:  "Right-o."

Mom:  "That's smart of him to hide that money in the vent."

Louise:  "Makes you wonder how much money is sitting around in vents right now."

Tansy:  "I bet putting that money in the vent is a symbol too.  The oxygen tank and the vent both have something to do with air."

Louise:  "Oh, he's tracking him with that bleepy thing."

Tansy, Louise, Mom:  "bleep...bleep...bleep"

Thelma:  "Stop that!"

Tansy, Louise, Mom:  "bleep...bleep...bleep"

Bob:  "Now girls..."

Tansy, Louise, Mom:  "he hee hee heeee"

********

Mom:  "Why would anyone stop and talk to someone covered with blood at the Mexican border?"

Louise:  "Yes, that's not very realistic."

Tansy:  "The vampire is going to smell all that blood and find him again."

Louise:  "There's that sweet girl and her momma.  Something is going to happen to them.  No one should go to El Paso."

Mom:  "You have that right.  Even the people in El Paso shouldn't go to El Paso."

Thelma:  "I've seen Mexicans in suits.  That man's a vampire too."

Louise:  "I bet you're right."

Mom:  "Who's this hat man?  He's too blond to be a vampire."

Louise:  "Oh, he's dead now."

Bob:  "I need to go tinkle.  Can I pause?"

Mom:  "Go ahead Bob. We'll wait.  I bet the mail is here.  Let's go check."

*****

Mom:  "Well that was a waste of time.  All I got was grocery circulars and a flyer for car insurance."

Louise:  "You should call them about the insurance Betty, and ask them to insure your walker."

Mom:  ::snort::

Tansy:  "I've sort of forgot what's going on in the movie.  The vampire is still hunting for the guy that might be a vampire, right?"

Louise:  "That's right.  The might be vampire man with the money just checked into that motel where the hooker was trying to get him to drink beer with her."

Bob:  "I'm back.  Are we all settled in?"

Thelma:  "Just hit play Bob."

Mom:  "He's dead?  Just like that?"

Louise:  "What a jip!  Well I guess that answers it.  He wasn't a vampire."

Tansy:  "They better not kill Tommy Lee."

********

Mom:  "Look at all those kitties.  I'd be sneezing."

Louise:  "Who's this guy in the wheelchair?"

Tansy:  "Is that Wilford Brimley?"

Mom:  "I think that is.  He must be Tommy Lee's daddy."

Louise:  "They look like they're the same age."

Tansy:  "He better not kill Tommy Lee."

Mom:  "He's saying that he's going to retire.  That probably means someone will kill him."

*********

Louise:  "Who's this lady?"

Mom:  "That's his wife."

Tansy:  "shhhhh.... he's talking about a dream."

Thelma:  "You mean this whole things been a dream?  What nonsense.  I'm out of here."

Louise:  "A dream.  Huh.  That was a surprise."

Tansy:  "So the whole movie was a symbol.  That was really great."

Bob:  "Well that's it ladies, I'll rewind."

Mom:  "Bob, it's a dvd."

Bob:  "Oh, right.  Well, I'll tape it up and mail it back.  Thank you ladies for your company."

Mom, Tansy, Louise:  "hee heee  heeeee."

*********

"Thank you for not acting up."

"Mom, really, why would you think that I would cause any trouble?"

"It's not that, it's just that I know that we can probably seem silly sometimes."

"You know Mom, being silly is under rated.  I think that it's usually the best part."

"Me too.  But then, people just think that you're silly all the time.  Does that bother you?"

"Well, only sometimes.  And at that, it doesn't bother me over much.  At least, not enough to try to change."

"Me either."

"I think it's good for y'all to get together and giggle a bit.  Will you and Louise be ready for a quick review later?"

"Yes.  And thank you for leaving your pants on."

"Don't mention it."

**********

"Hi, I'm Betty and this is Louise.  Today we're going to review No Man's Land starring Tommy Lee, even though Tommy Lee isn't in it a whole lot."

"Betty, I liked this movie.  There was interesting violence and a lot of symbolism."

"I agree Louise.  Though I was disappointed to find out that it was all a dream."

"Well, I'm not so certain we're suppose to think that it was a dream.  I think maybe they were trying to tell us that it happened in a dream, but dreams are real, to a certain extent.  That might have been the whole point about the oxygen tank and the air vents."

"Oh!  I didn't even think about that Louise.  The more you think about this movie, the  more interesting it is."

"Betty, I think that's what I like best about this film.  A word of warning though, a lot of cars get smashed up in this movie.  I didn't expect that."

"Yes, I can see that upsetting a car enthusiast.  They should know that before watching.  But, I have to say, they should set that aside and watch this movie.  It was the best vampire story I've ever seen."

"I think so too.  Not so full of all that blood nonsense.  The vampires were very understated.  Let's open our scores."

[rustle]

"Louise, I gave this movie two cats."

"I gave it two and a half cats.  I really liked the creative killing machine."

"So, it's safe to say, with a four and a half cat movie, that you will enjoy the movie too.  Thank you and good night."

*******

"Deven dear..."

"Yes Miss Louise?"

"We still want to see the Kill Bills."

"I really don't think that's a good idea."

"Well, will all due respect, we're older than you and we're telling you that we want to see the Bills movies.  Please get them for us."

"Yes m'am."