[The last half of this story is semi-crude. I'm aware it's semi-crude. I'm telling you so if you wish, you can skip right to the end bit. I checked, and Mom is fine with me telling this story.]
[whispering]
Me: “Grandma wants to sit in the back with you Ben.”
Ben: “Oh Mom, no…”
Me: “Yes. Now get in and act happy.”
*****
Ben: “Hi Grandma.”
Mom: “Hi! We’re going to Target to get you pants.”
Me: “Mom, I didn’t tell him where we were going…”
Ben: “I don’t want to go buy clothes!”
Me: “You need some clothes, you look like a hobo.”
Mom: “Deven, he doesn’t look like a hobo, he looks like that man… oh who was it… that man that wrote that manifesto and blew up people with the mail…”
Ben: “The Unibomber.”
Mom: “Yes, Ben looks like The Unibomber.”
Ben: “I don’t look like The Unibomber.”
Mom: “Don’t be insulted, most boys these days look like The Unibomber or an ugly girl.”
Ben: “Mom, can I move up front?”
Me: “No. Seatbelts.”
*****
Mom: “What’s in your ears?”
Ben: “My earbuds. I’m listening to music.”
Mom: “That’s rude. Take them out.”
Ben: “Grandma, I can still hear you if I have these in.”
Mom: “Well I don’t know that, so it’s rude. Hand the ear spuds to me, I want to hear what you’re listening to.”
Ben: “That’s okay, Grandma, I’ll just take them out.”
Mom: “Hand them to me.”
Ben: “Mom…”
Me: “I can’t hear you, I’m driving.”
Mom: “They sound so depressed. What are they whining about?”
Ben: “I don’t know. Can I have my buds back?”
Mom: “Who is this? They want someone to take something all away. What are they moving?”
Ben: “That’s Puddle of Mudd, Blurry. Can I have my earphones back please?”
Mom: “Blurry? They haven’t said the word blurry once. Click on another song.”
Ben: “Mom…”
Me: “I can’t hear you, I’m driving.”
Mom: “Click it.”
Ben: ::sigh::
Mom: “Well these boys don’t sound as sad. Sort of peppy. Who’s this?”
Ben: “That’s Fall Out Boy. Are you done Grandma?”
Mom: “[singing] Hurry, hurry, what makes you so special…”
Ben: “Mom, make her give me my headphones back.”
Me: “I can’t hear you, I’m driving.”
Ben: “I know you can hear me.”
Me: “No, I can’t.”
Mom: “What? What did they just say? Can you rewind this?”
Ben: “Yes, but I don’t want to…. Okay, I’ll do it.”
Mom: “::gasp:: That’s what I thought they said! ‘Let’s meet in the purgatory of my hips and get well.’ What’s that suppose to mean?”
Me: “Yeah Ben, what’s that suppose to mean?”
Ben: “Mom! Please!”
Me: “Okay, Mom. Please give him his earphones back. Ben, iPod off for right now.”
Mom: “What are you doing with your phone?”
Ben: “Grandma, I’m just texting a friend.”
Mom: “What are you saying?”
Ben: “I’m just telling her that my mom is making me go to Target to buy pants.”
Mom: “Her? Is she your girlfriend?”
Ben: “No, just a friend.”
Mom: “That’s good to have friends that are girls. They’ll tell you if the girl you want to date is really slutty.”
Ben: “::gasp:: Grandma!”
Mom: “Well, it’s true. Do you know about the tongue ball thing?”
Me: “Mom!”
Ben: “Grandma!”
Mom: “So you must know if you’re acting shocked. How would you know of such a thing? A server girl told me. Who told you?”
Me: “Yeah Ben, who told you?”
Ben: “I’m fifteen. I hear things.”
Mom: “It’s that computer Deven. You should make sure he’s not getting into trouble on that thing.”
Me: “I can’t hear you. I’m driving.”
Mom: “If you’re a good boy at Target, I’ll buy you some Pokey Cards.”
Ben: “Grandma, I don’t play with Pokemon Cards anymore.”
Mom: “Really? Oh. That’s too bad. I kind of liked that little yellow one, Cockapoo. You use to watch the cartoon at our house. What did he say? ‘Cock, cock, cock-a-pooooo!”
Ben: ::choke::
Me: “Hee hee heee”
Ben: “Thank God we’re here!”
Mom: “That’s sweet of you to thank God. You should be grateful for the little stuff.”
Ben: “Let’s just go in the store, get pants, and leave. Okay?”
Mom: “That’s fine with me. I’m coming with you though. I don’t want you to buy any clothes with head bones on them.”
Ben: “Mom…”
Me: “I can’t hear you, I’m walking.”
****
[ring]
Me: “Hello, this is your daughter.”
Mom: “Hello, this is your mother. I need you to come find me right away.”
Me: “Oh no! What’s wrong? Where are you?”
Mom: “I don’t want to say what’s wrong. I’m in the store.”
Me: “I know you’re in the store. What part of the store? Are you okay?”
Mom: “Well I probably won’t die if that’s what you mean. I’m looking at pet clothes.”
Me: “What in the world are you doing way over there?”
Mom: “I’d rather not tell you. Just come get me right away.”
Me: “Okay, I’m flying over there right now. Stay put.”
****
Me: “There you are. What’s the problem?”
Mom: “I need to get to the bathroom.”
Me: “Oh my. Okay, we’ll hurry. Is it urgent?”
Mom: “I’ll make it there, I think.”
Me: “Okay, we’ll go directly there. It’s at the front of the store. Mom, you’re walking like a bird. Are you in pain or anything?”
Mom: “No, I’m fine. I just need to make a half.”
Me: “A what?”
Mom: “I just need to make a half. I thought if I went back there to the pet clothes, I could have some privacy and get it taken care of. Who knew that there were that many people that wanted to look at dresses for dogs?”
Me: “I still don’t know what you mean. Is it number one or two?”
Mom: “I told you a half. I just need to poot.”
Me: “Oh my lord, Mom. You had me panicking because you need to fart?”
Mom: “Don’t say that word. Yes, I think that I might need to bend over something. I’m very uncomfortable. When we get to the bathroom, I want you to stand outside the doors and block them until I’m through.”
Me: “Mom, I can’t do that. There’s like six stalls in there! I can’t block the whole bathroom.”
Mom: “Just block the doorway somehow.”
Me: “Just how do you think I’d accomplish that?”
Mom: “I don’t know. You’re creative. You could pretend to have a seizure or something.”
Me: “You think that me pretending to have a seizure outside of the Target ladies room is less offensive than you passing gas inside the restroom?”
Mom: “Yes. …oh.”
Me: “You’re not walking like a bird anymore. Does that mean what I think it means?”
Mom: “Yes, but keep walking. I don’t want people to think it’s me that caused that smell.”
[ring]
Me: “Hello, this is your mother.”
Ben: “That’s so weird when you answer that way. Where are you guys?”
Me: “We’re coming up on the checkouts. Meet us up here, we’re ready to go.”
Ben: “Okay, I’ll be there in a minute.”
Me: “Mom, you’re walking like a bird again.”
Mom: “Yes! Come have your seizure by the bathroom.”
*****
[ring]
Me: “Hello, this is your mother.”
Ben: “That’s so creepy how you say that. Where are you? I don’t see you at checkout.”
Me: “I’m having a seizure outside the ladies room door while your grandmother farts.”
Ben: “I’m not going to ask what that means. I’ll be over there in a second.”
*****
Ben: “She’s been in there awhile, should we check on her?”
Me: “If you want to go in there, feel free.”
Ben: “Ha, ha.”
Me: “You know, we both don’t both have to stand here. You stay here and block the door and I’ll check out. That will save some time.”
Ben: “I’m not going to lurk outside the ladies room door!”
Me: “Do it for your grandmother.”
Ben: “How am I suppose to keep blocking the door?”
Me: “Pretend to have a seizure.”
Ben: “I don’t know what a seizure looks like.”
Me: “Okay, if someone walks up, pretend to be lost and cry that you can’t find your mommy.”
Ben: “I’m fifteen, won’t that look really weird?”
Me: “Yes. It will work well. No one will want to come near you.”
Ben: “You know I’m not going to do that.”
Me: “Yes, that’s why I’m telling you to do that. Look, just sort of stay around here to help Grandma when she comes out. Don’t worry about the door.”
****
Cashier: “Would you like to save an additional ten percent by opening a Target charge…”
Ben: [in the distance] “Whaaaaaaa, I can’t find my mommy!”
Me: “Oh my God! No, no, no charge account. Just total it out, I need to hurry!”
*****
Ben and Mom: “Hee heheeee heeeeee…”
Me: “Yes, very funny you two.”
Ben and Mom: “Hee heheheheheee…”
Me: “I admit you had me there for a second.”
Mom: “Serves you right for leaving the door. Ben was a good sport to pretend to cry. I only had to give him a dollar.”
Ben and Mom: “Hee heeeheeeeee….”
Me: “Okay, you can stop the giggling. It wasn’t that funny.”
Mom: “We can’t hear you, we’re in the back seat. Heee heeee heeee.”
That's the back of Mom... the dog dresses are to the right
TIP:
Enter the amount, and click "Tip" to submit!
Hildy Johnson
kipouros
Redstocking Grandma
the one about
kmcbain
Will Someone Feed The Cat?
Salon.com
Comments
In all seriousness, I can't stand it when people text and listen to earbuds when actual face-to-face people are having a conversation with them. Good for your mom!
anyway, as ever, gdyaa.
I love Ben too.
I can't hear you. I'm rating.
Wonderful, Deven. We don't have Target, but we have Walmart experiences that are very similar. I'll probably be scarred for life.
‘Making a half’. Seriously. Where do you/your mother come up w/this stuff. Soooo funny.
I'm another person who's stealing that phrase and "make a half."
excuse me, I have to poot now.
Ok I can breathe now that I've stopped laughing. Geez Deven , you almost put me into a seizure!
Ben is in training............HA! I can imagine him with HIS kids some years down the road.
DD - that was so true, yo!
DS - wow...
OMG - pokemon, unibomber, tongue rings, farting in public, and fake seizures - you've pretty much got it covered
Hysterical.
Boy: Why are we here?
Me: You need new jeans or pants.
Boy: I have two pairs.
Me: Yes but I have to do laundry all the time.
etc..
Ben is convinced that he doesn't need clothes... EVER. I swear, he's like a cartoon character. He wears essentially the same outfit every day: Tshirt, semi-baggy (I won't allow sag) jeans or khakis, and a hoodie. He flat out doesn't see why anyone would have more than one pair of shoes at a time. I force him to keep two working pair - I've tried to explain to him that if his shoe fell apart at 2am, he'd need another pair in the wings to get to school.
seriously, this was hilarious. tell her that people like me hang out in the pet stuff aisles shopping for L&P trinkets. that, and the holiday candy section are the two places one can always find me at Target....
can't believe I said that aloud. I love your Mom and now I love your kid too.
One I use: "Ma-a-a-a-ooom, can I have...." and I always Quickly answer, "I'll think about it," and exit. It usually works the first dozen or so times. Another one: "Mom, can I have some ice cream?" And I say, pleasantly, as though someone offered Me ice cream, "Oh, no, that's all right," and they are befuddled for a moment, again so I can make my getaway.
OLD COUNTRY BUFFET
And ear spuds. Priceless. My mom used to call her hearing aids her ear plugs. And they sorta were, because she couldn't hear even when she wore them.
Your son's a great sport!
Hilarious.
i will assume that most of us here on OS are fairly well read.
your honor, i rest my case.
uh huh.
ayup.
Dog Dresses: $32
Seeing someone pretend to have seizure so grandma can fart in the bathroom: Priceless.
Such a good post. Had me absolutely crying with laughter :D
Rated
I was stuck in the snow tonight. No, that doesn't make contextual sense, but I just wanted to complain to someone.
She just about busted a gut laughing. I think I will have to take her back through all of the Mom posts, but especially the movie reviews.
Thumbed. Geez, "make a half" - there's a keeper. I'm SO stealing that.
love love and rated for too many laughs
Both ends of the age spectrum have more in common than us when we are in the middle where we think reality lives.
Having taken my mom in semi-dementia and my middle schooler shopping, I can attest to the insanity of even attempting such a foray into public.
I am sick, coughing and spluttering at random anyway, and should have known better than to read this on a day like this.
Now my coworkers think I'm dying. I've been coughing to cover the gales of laughter.
My SPOUSE of all people is like this at times - calls earphones 'speakers' and has been complaining about our DD and her texting while listening to her 'speakers' while we're walking around in the store. I'm stealing the 'making a half' and 'I can't hear you, I'm ___" - if only for my own sanity.
(I just spelled that sainty - I think anyone who puts up with that and then shares the hilarity with us is sainty, and should be up there with St. Jude, he of the lost causes.)
Rated. If I could rate it twice, I would. Hooray!
I love this, just love it. And you know I love Mom.
Are you going to Old Country Buffet at the South Hill Mall?
May I make a suggestion for Movie Night? "Proof of Life" with Meg Ryan and Russell Crowe. It's a 90s movie, it's got assassins, it's got jungles, Meg Ryan is supremely annoying, and the only reason I own the DVD is because it's two hours of Russell Crowe in an undershirt. It was purchased soley for a party called "The Whiskey and Russell Crowe Thing," in which me and my girlfriends were going to drink Jack Daniels illegally in my dorm room and watch Russell Crowe movies.
Actually, I'd be happy to donate the DVD, if Miss Betty and Miss Louise and Miss Thelma would like to have their own "Whiskey and Russell Crowe Thing."
junk, yes. Mom wanted to sit in the back with Ben so she could visit with him.
Hugs
Thanks so much for the comments, I do appreciate them.