[ring]
“Hello, this is your mother.”
“Hi Mom, I’m about two blocks away.”
“Okay, I’m waiting.”
*****
[rattle rattle][knock knock]
“Mom, the door is locked”
“I know. I’m coming.”
[unlock][door fling]
“TA DA!”
“What’s going on Mom?”
“Uh! You can’t tell?”
“…nooooooo.”
“What’s different about me?”
“Oh how I loathe this game.”
“Well, what? What?”
“Okay, let’s see… well, I recognize that wig. I’ve seen that top before. Same shoes… Ah! You have on a tiara! Did I guess right?”
“No! A tiara? This is a little headband! I’m not your devil doll! Look some more.”
That is too a tiny tiara!
“Mom, really, I don’t know.”
“I’ll give you a hint. Do I look perkier?”
“Did you put Preparation H under your eyes?”
“No! Deven, now look south of my eyes!”
“I don’t like where this conversation is going…”
“I got a new bra!”
“Oh my God, Mom, I don’t want to know…”
“I figure I wouldn’t get a boyfriend wearing that old bra…”
“I really, really don’t want to talk about... ah….what?”
“You know men. They don’t have any imagination. They think you can’t put a book down on a sagging shelf.”
“You’re looking for a boyfriend with a book?”
“Well, not exactly. I just want to know if I could get a book if I wanted one.”
“So you don’t want a book?”
“I like to read.”
“I’m confused, are we still talking in metaphors here? Nevermind. Do you have a boyfriend Mom?”
“Not yet, but I think that Bob might be interested.”
“Bob, swollen prostate Bob?”
“Deven, now how can you know he has a swollen prostate?”
“Mom, he peed fifteen times during the movie.”
“Well, I don’t care. I think he’s kind of cute, in a Colonel Sanders kind of way.”
“Don’t get me wrong Mom, I’m all for you finding a man with a book. You just took me by surprise, that’s all.”
“I’m not talking about going to Barnes and Noble. I just want to maybe read a chapter.”
“Mom, you’re aware if anyone heard us talking about books this way, they’d think we were nuts.”
“Yes, it’s a good thing no one else can hear. So you’re okay with this then?”
“Sure. Go get your library card.”
Mom says "Happy Heart Day Diary People!"
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Comments
(hint, "edit" and save your post again to make your stat counter re-load and work or at least look right - I have to do that every time.
Happy Heart day to you and her!
Once I asked my 95 year old granny if she would consider dating again (she was widowed 35 years ago), she looked at me and deadpanned "Now what would I want with an old man".
xoxo
We love you too, mom. :-)
Um, I've read it now. I would rate it again if I could.
Wonderful!
Oh. my. lord.
Thumbed, but it took a couple of tries. Still laughing.
Maybe because it’s late, but I can’t stop giggling at this: ‘I’m not your devil doll!’ and this: ‘Bob, swollen prostate Bob?’. Hee.
I hope she gets her man.
(Fried chicken??? Oh, I get it. Col. Saunders. he he)
Another movie recommendation: Ghost Town
Happy Valentine's Day, Deven's Mom!
Tell your mom for me that my mom remarried at 82 -- now that's optimism! And not by the way, she says she's never been happier. Thank goodness Dad isn't alive to hear her say it!
you might have to buy some nonsense food at wholefoods (hey i went to wholefoods yesterday!) for them to have on an in-house date.
or you might have to drive them to the mall to see a movie.
or to a lovely italian restaurant for dinner!
or!
Another great post TnD. I love your Mom stories!!
Snorted Campari...and it is not as pleasant coming through the nose as going down the gullet...
Seriously, your mom is a pisser. I will not forget the sagging shelf metaphor. Ever.
I am loving your Mom in the too-tiny tiara and new brassiere.
Happy Heart Day Deven's Mom -
from [one of] the Diary People
http://open.salon.com/content.php?cid=113048
i think your mom is right. i mean, surely bob did not give m&ms to all the ladies, did he?
i am reminded of laverne difazio right now, for some reason.
maybe I should get a new bra, a new wig, and a little tiara!! LOL