Bill Kills While Bob Flirts [Mom Movie Review]
“Really Mom, I should just go.”
“No, no. We have it all worked out. We’ve made you a quarantined area.”
“You made an activity room leper island? I should just go.”
“Deven, you’re so dramatic sometimes. No one thinks you have leprosy, though Thelma is concerned you might have the bird ‘flu. I had to promise her you didn’t have a parakeet at home. We made a little area in the back of the activity room for you so you won’t infect any of us.”
“Mom, I really don’t mind missing the Kill Bills.”
“You have to come. You need to report back to the diary people that we really watched it.”
“I could just report on yours and Louise’s review.”
“You said they liked the bit when you came to watch “No Man’s Land.” You don’t want to disappoint the diary people, do you?”
“How about I just tell them I was there, and then we can post your review?”
“Art Linkletter wouldn’t approve. He always said that you had to write from true experience or your readers would know you were trying to lie to them.”
“Art Linkletter’s dead… I think… I’m pretty sure…”
“Well in case he isn’t, you better come. Besides, Tansy and Louise will be very disappointed if you don’t come. They’re both bringing blankets. I hope you remembered your shawffler.”
“I’m trapped, aren’t I?”
“Yes you are dear. Now strap a smile on and let’s go.”
*****
Louise: “You comfy there dear?”
Me: “Yes ma’am. I’m not sure if I need two blankets though.”
Tansy: “Yes you do. Remember ‘sweat a fever, starve a dog.’ “
Me: “… ah.. I don’t think I’ve ever heard that saying before Miss Tansy.”
Tansy: “Of course not. I just made it up. Now put on your shawffler and get cozy.”
Thelma: “Try not to breathe. We don’t need to get sick here.”
****
Mom, Louise, Tansy: “EWWW!”
Thelma: “Don’t fast forward Bob. This is in black in white, maybe it’s a movie in a movie. Oh, well, I guess not.”
Bob: “He shot a pregnant bride. Now I think they have to kill Bill. I get it.”
Tansy: “The Deadly Viper Assassins Club. We should start a club like that.”
Thelma: “The Unofficial Movie Club is enough for us right now. Imagine what snack we would have to have if we were assassins. I don’t have a crockpot big enough for that.”
Mom, Louise, Tansy: “BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP…”
Thelma: “Stop that!”
Bob: “…now ladies…”
Mom, Louise, Tansy: ‘BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP…”
Louise: “Okay, we’ll stop. Why did they bleep out her name?”
Mom, Louise, Tansy: “EEK!”
Thelma: “A gun in the cereal box. Now that’s clever.”
Mom: “Oh that little girl is going to have issues later.”
****
Mom: “Wow, the sheriff and deputy are bad actors! That’s not how people in El Paso talk. Why are all the movies in El Paso? Is it like Hollywood in a dirt pit now? I had no idea.”
Louise: “That nurse character is just stupid. I think that’s that mermaid lady too. Like no one would notice a nurse walking around with an eye patch with a red cross on it.”
Bob: “I need to make a tinkle. Can I pause ladies?”
Mom: “Tee hehehee… of course Bob.”
****
Mom: “So Deven, what’s happening in the movie?”
Me: “Danged if I know.”
Louise: “Why did they try to kill her?”
Me: “Danged if I know.”
Tansy: “Why are they bleeping out her name?”
Me: “Danged if I know.”
Thelma: “What use are you?”
Me: “Danged if I know. Thank goodness, here’s Bob.”
****
Mom: “She’s awake! You wouldn’t just wake up like that…”
Louise: “Oh no. He’s going to rape her. Fast forward Bob.”
****
Mom: “Why is she at this restaurant?”
Louise: “Maybe she’s going to kill him.”
Thelma: “Well someone better do something in this scene quick.”
Tansy: “She wants a sword.”
Thelma: “Why didn’t she just come into the restaurant and order a sword? This is nonsense. Fast forward Bob.”
***
Tansy: “How did she get the sword on the plane? They won’t let me on with my knitting needles.”
Mom, Louise, Tansy: “BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP…”
Thelma: “STOP IT! Don’t do that every time they bleep out her name!”
Mom: “Okay, we’ll stop.”
Bob: “I have to make a tinkle. Can I pause?”
Thelma: “I don’t care if you turn the damn thing off.”
Tansy: “Now Thelma…”
Bob: “I’ll hurry.”
***
Mom: “You alright back there Deven?”
Me: “I’m fine.”
Louise: “What do you think about the movie so far?”
Me: “I think it’s trying too hard to be clever.”
Thelma: “Clever? HA! I don’t think so. This is crap.”
Louise: “I have to admit, I don’t care for it either.”
Mom: “Maybe it will get better. Bob’s back.”
****
Louise: “Well at least the fight scene is sort of exciting.”
Thelma: “You’d think that out of all these loons someone would have a gun and put an end to this mess.”
Bob: “I sort of like it.”
Thelma: “That’s only because men think that ladies with swords are sexy for some reason. I bet that’s the whole point to this dumb movie.”
Mom: “Bob, is that true? Do you think ladies with swords are sexy?”
Bob: “Depends.”
Mom: “Depends on what?”
Bob: “Depends on if you have a sword Betty.”
Mom, Louise, Tansy: “Teheheheeee…”
Me: “…oh god…”
Mom: “Did you say something Deven?”
Me: “No, no…”
Louise: “Oh the snow is pretty. Blood on snow is sort of artistic.”
****
Tansy: “Oh, her daughter survived! That could be interesting… wait.. IT’S OVER?”
Louise: “It’s over? What kind of mess is that?”
Thelma: “Thank God that’s done.”
Mom: “Wait! Wait! That’s why there’s a part two.”
Bob: “I’ve got it right here Betty.”
Mom: “Bob, you’re always on top of things.”
Bob: “I’m watching out for you Betty.”
Me: “…oh god…”
Mom: “Did you say something Deven?”
Me: “No, no…”
Louise: “Well let’s see if the mail came while Bob gets the second movie set up.”
Mom: “Deven, get my mailbox key out of my walker and go check. I’ll stay here and keep Bob company.”
Thelma: “I’m not riding in the elevator with her!”
Me: “Miss Thelma, I’ll take the stairs.”
Thelma: “Well try not to breathe in the hall.”
Me: “Will do.”
*****
Me: “All you had was a catalogue from Old Pueblo Traders.”
Tansy: “Oh I like them. I got a flyer for pizza and some kind of postcard offering me free windows.”
Me: “Where’s Bob?”
Mom: “He had to go tinkle. He’ll be right back. Deven you better get over to your zone before Thelma gets back.”
Me: “I’m headed back to leper island.”
Tansy: “Now cover up.”
Louise: “I didn’t get anything! I hate that. There should at least be junk mail.”
Thelma: “I had junk mail. Threw it out. Was she over here breathing?”
Mom: “No. She went right to her island.”
Bob: “I’m back. Thank you for holding the remote, Betty dear. You ready to get started?”
Thelma: “I’m ready to get this over with, if that’s what you mean.”
****
Mom: “Now we’re back in El Paso. What’s the point in making chapters if you’re just going to mix them up?”
Louise: “It’s Bill!”
Thelma: “He looks like the bottom of a shoe. We’re suppose to think that she made a baby with that?”
Bob: “That fellow looks familiar. Yeah. He was that man that went wandering around in the West doing Kung Fu. OH! Is that a remake of that series?”
Tansy: “I don’t know what you’re talking about Bob.”
Me: “Mr. Bob, I don’t think so. But you are right, he was in that tv series.”
Thelma: “Betty’s daughter, don’t shout. You’re spewing your germs everywhere. Just sit quiet and don’t breathe.”
Me: “Yes ma’am.”
****
Mom, Louise, Tansy: “BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP…”
Thelma: “You said you’d stop that!”
Louise: “We said we’d stop that in the last movie, not this one.”
Mom, Louise, Tansy: “Teeheheeeee…”
Mom: “Thelma, we’ll stop.”
Bob: “Oh wait ladies, he’s going to a strip club!”
Thelma: “Looks like Bob is going to get some boobies to look at.”
Mom: “Close your eyes Deven.”
Me: “Closed.”
Louise: “Oh. Sorry Bob. No boobies this time.”
Bob: “That’s okay. It would just make me need to tinkle again.”
Me: “ewww…”
Mom: “Did you say something Deven?”
Me: “No, no…”
****
Thelma: “It’s over. Thank God someone shot her.”
Louise: “That was just silly. Why couldn’t they have just edited down the first movie and stuck this bit on the end?”
Bob: “Ladies, I think there’s more movie.”
Thelma: “urghhhh.”
****
Thelma: “Buried alive. Well we’ll all be there soon enough.”
Louise: “Has anyone figured out why they all hate her so much?”
Mom: “I haven’t.”
Tansy: “Me either. Deven, dear, why do they hate her so much?”
Me: “I don’t know. This movie has been going on so long, I hate her enough to kill her.”
Thelma: “Finally, you said something sensible.”
****
Mom: “Pie May? What kind of dumb name is Pie May?”
Bob: “Betty dear, they have names like that over there. Pie doesn’t mean pie in their language. It probably means goat or something.”
Mom: “Oh, you’re right. You think about these things Bob. That’s why you’re so interesting.”
Bob: “Why Miss Betty, I do believe you’re flirting with me a little.”
Mom, Louise, Tansy: “Teeheheeeeee….”
Me: “…oh god…”
Mom: “Did you say something Deven?”
Me: “No, no…”
****
Tansy: “His eyebrows can’t be real. They have to be stick on.”
Louise: “I kind of like them. They look like huge white commas.”
Thelma: “If you really had a beard like that, you’d be accidentally dipping it in everything. Bob, fast forward through this nonsense wood whapping thing. I think we got it.”
***
Thelma: “So she’s going to punch her way out of the coffin. That’s what that whole stupid eyebrow man thing was about? Oh, I’ve just about lost my patience with this…”
Mom: “Now Thelma, hang in there. We’re getting near the end.”
****
Louise: “The number one killer of old people is retirement? Only the young say that.”
Mom, Louise, Tansy: “SNAKE, SNAKE!”
Thelma: “Oh calm down, at least the snake killed one of them. I wished it would kill more.”
****
Louise: “Now they did this on purpose, putting two blonde ladies to fighting. They did that for the men.”
Mom: “Bob, do you find two blonde ladies fighting exciting?”
Bob: “Depends on if you have two blonde wigs Betty.”
Mom, Louise, Tansy: “Teeeheheeee…”
Me: “Okay, that one didn’t even make sense…”
Mom: “Did you say something Deven?”
Me: “No, no…”
****
Louise: “I completely forgot about her little girl.”
Mom: “So, that’s it? They’re going to be one big happy, happy now?”
Thelma: “This is nonsense.”
Tansy: “Stepped on a fish? On purpose? That little girl is all messed up. Now I don’t like her either. There’s no one in this movie I like.”
Mom: “He has on a tunic and a belt. What kind of man wears a tunic and a belt?”
Louise: “Bob, would you wear a tunic and a belt?”
Bob: “If Betty asked me to.”
Mom, Louise, Tansy: “Teeheheeheee…”
Me: “…oh god…”
Mom: “Did you say something Deven?”
Me: “No, no…”
****
Mom: “That’s it? Really?”
Louise: “She would have killed him, or he would have killed her? But they both love their daughter? What kind of message is that?”
Thelma: “Wait, wait… they’re at another hotel. Oh, I bet the little girl kills her mother! That would make the movie worth it!”
Tansy: “Darn. That didn’t happen.”
Thelma: “Well I’m out of here. I wish I could say it’s been a pleasure. Betty’s daughter, thank you for not breathing so much.”
Me: “Thank you for staying through the whole thing. I think we have the same opinion about the movie.”
Thelma: “Well next time, let’s watch something completely different.”
Louise: “Oh, my great nephew gave me our next movie. It should be completely different.”
Mom: “What is it Louise?”
Louise: “Sexy City.”
Tansy: “Well Bob will like that!”
Me: “You mean Sex in the City?”
Louise: “That’s it!”
Bob: “Well that will be a good time…”
Me: “…oh god…”
Mom: “Did you say something Deven?”
Me: “No, no…”
[Mom and Louise have a special review prepared for the “Kill Bills”. I’ll post that on Monday.]
TIP:
Enter the amount, and click "Tip" to submit!
Hildy Johnson
kipouros
Redstocking Grandma
the one about
kmcbain
Will Someone Feed The Cat?
Salon.com
Comments
Bob: “Depends on if you have two blonde wigs Betty.”
I laughed out loud repeatedly, but I think that was my favorite line.
Are your mom and Bob dating?!
Bob sounds like a man possessed. He'll stop at nothing, now. Except to tinkle, of course.
Did you say something, Deven?
Michael, that was great!!!
Okay, gotta stop lurking here.
you have to add this in to the post somewhere. It is priceless.
The whole thing is priceless and funny...as usual. Thank you so much for the laugh. Now I won't be able to sleep. :)
excellent, as per.
And then I realized ... Betty IS Mom. Der.
(I agree with Thelma - Kill Bill did nothing for me.)
Hope you're feeling better.
Have you suggested Boogie Nights?
(I'm really clumsy tying tonight - I'm still taking meds)
But Bob ... he's hitting on your mom a lot. my my.
Did the fruit flies go away?
The oh, gods were the best parts. :D
(I wanted to see a pic of you and the shawffler again).
Bill. The ladies, and gent, saw it for what it is. Although if they
didn't like it they can't blame you.
But Deven, why did your mom use the phrase "strap a smile on"
Where DID she come up with that, has she been reading naughty
books on the sly?
Art Linkletter wouldn’t approve. He always said that you had to write from true experience or your readers would know you were trying to lie to them
And I'm with Louise. I ff through rape scenes and most murder scenes. Just can't watch them.
This is as always very funny and I hope you are feeling better.
What would happen if they watched "A Clockwork Orange"? (OK, don't want to give them any ideas.)
I want a shawffler for when I have the flu and sit around watching bad movies.
I just know we're going to have to have a Betty and Bob story, right? Maybe "Betty Twinkles While Bob Tinkles" ... okay, I'm too medicated myself.
and once agai now i never have to watch kill bill, not that i wanted to to begin with
Bob: “That’s okay. It would just make me need to tinkle again.”
You can't make that kinda stuff up.
Rated for making me giggle. Again.
Lisa... you're not going to believe this, but I didn't put together Thelma and Louise. I really can't believe that. Mom loved "Thelma and Louise."
Anyway, loved, loved, loved it as usual - although my favorite mom post so far was the trip to Target with Ben - that is such a great dynamic!!
How about Titanic, In the Bedroom, Out of Africa, the Piano, Truly, Madly, Deeply....trying to think of others with more universal appeal....
my favorite lines on this one:
"strap a smile on and let’s go"
"sweat a fever, starve a dog"
“Betty’s daughter, don’t shout. You’re spewing your germs everywhere. Just sit quiet and don’t breathe.”
“That’s okay. It would just make me need to tinkle again.”
and now that I've laughed out loud, I must go back to doing school work (making little deals with myself to curtail OS time)
“You’d think that out of all these loons someone would have a gun and put an end to this mess.”
Rated for "Leper Island"!
I confess that it is one of my favorite movies, in its entire multi-part insanity. It was quite fun following along with your Mom and the gang as they commented on it.
Oh, and I thought the little girl was disturbing, too. That whole business with the fish freaked me out.
Say hi to them for me, from one of the diary people ;)
Now if you are gonna watch Quentin Tarrantino, you cannot take it seriously. It is theatre on film. He hits you for effect over and over again. If you are expecting a normal movie.... you should be watching something else. I loved Kill Bill 1 and 2.... but then I have been mostly insane since puberty. (rated)
I love your mom posts.
But could someone explain why the rose is stuck up the cat's butt? Okay, I know it's really not, but that's what my dirty mind thought at first! (And my Freudian slipping fingers started to type "my dirty mom.")
Hilarious as always!
Had my son and I laughing as we read through it, sounds like a movie at our house!
Mom: “Oh that little girl is going to have issues later.”
It seems I remember hearing that observed more than once in my childhood. Can't think who they were talking about.
When you went to get the review did Thelma say you can breath yet? (Or do you have to wait?)
(And thanks--now I don't have to watch the rest of the movies. The person I saw it with fell asleep. He feel asleep during Gomorrah too. I'd do a post, but he might read it. But he'd never find a comment trail like this.)
My favorite bit:
Thelma: “He looks like the bottom of a shoe. We’re suppose to think that she made a baby with that?”
My mother had expressions like that. e.g., "he looks like he was pulled through a knothole."
I wanna hang out with Mom and Louise. I need to hear what they'd think of oh, say... a "Heroes" marathon.