Deven McKay

Deven McKay
Seattle, Washington,
July 01
I've changed a lot in the last five years, some good, some bad, some things are just different. I'm trying to find a way back to me, but I'm pretty sure that my GPS has dementia.


Editor’s Pick
FEBRUARY 23, 2009 9:51PM

"Dear Mr. Dorito..."

Rate: 41 Flag

 (If you want to read about the ladies watching Kill Bill it's in my previous post: Kill Bills )


Me:  “Hi Miss Thelma.  Are you doing the review with Mom and Louise this time?”

Thelma:  “No, I can’t make heads or tails out of that cat and crow system they’ve worked out.”

Mom:  “It’s simple Thelma.  Cats are good.  Crows are bad.  It takes two crows to beat one cat…”

Thelma:  “Betty, just save your breath.  If I wanted to think that much I’d play bridge.”

Louise:  “Thelma is with us today because we don’t want to do a review of the “Kill Bills.”

Mom:  “We figured it would just be a flock of crows.”

Louise:  “We want to write a letter to the director.”

Mom:  “Louise’s great nephew said he was famous and directed and wrote both movies.  Did you know he wrote that movie that had that goofy looking girl in it?”

Me:  Natural Born Killers? He wrote that one, but another famous guy directed it.”

Thelma:  “We can’t write a letter to every weirdo director in Hollywood.  We’d be here all month.”

Louise:  “Yes, we’ll just talk to this man, Quentin Dorito.”

Mom:  “We know it’s a long shot that he’ll ever read it, but it’s possible.  Terri-Sue looks up her own name on the computer all the time.  That reminds me, she wants you to call her…”

Me:  “I just bet she does.”

Mom:  “…so make sure you spell his name right so he’ll find this.”

Me:  “Got it.  So I should start off the letter by saying…?”

Thelma:  “How about ‘Dear Man With More Money Than Brains’?”

Louise:  “Now Thelma, you can’t start off that rude.  ‘Dear Mr. Dorito’ will be fine.”

Thelma:  “Well Betty’s Daughter, start writing.”

Me:  “Yes ma’am.”

Thelma:  “Dear Mr. Dorito, just who in the hell do you think you are?”

Mom and Louise:  “THELMA!”

Mom:  “We need to tell him who we are first so he doesn’t think we’re just kookie old coots complaining…”

Me:  “…”

Mom:  “What was that look for?”

Me:  “Nothing, nothing…”



Dear Mr. Dorito,

We are the members of The Lakeside Retirement Home Unofficial Movie Club.  We recently watched your “Kill Bills.”  We know we’re not the people that you made the movie for.  Frankly we can’t figure out what sort of people you made the movie for.  Whoever those people are, we probably wouldn’t feel comfortable with them babysitting our dogs.  Maybe you should concentrate on making movies for people you would feel confident wouldn’t kill your dog.  That would be a good start.

We chose this movie because a ladies assassins club sounded like fun.  We had no idea that the ladies would be killing each other.  It makes us think that you’re just another man that thinks that all women secretly hate each other.  We don’t.  That’s just something fathers tell their sons so they won’t be afraid that women get in groups and cook up plots against men.  We do that sometimes.  You should make a movie about that.

Talking about some of the details in the movie, we never understood why you bleeped out the bride’s name.  We like the bleeping sound as much as the next person, but you really shouldn’t stick it into a movie without a good reason. 

We also don’t get the chapters thing.  At first, we sort of liked it.  It seemed very organized.  Then we realized that the events were out of order.  I bet you were talking about the idea for this movie over with your men friends and someone came up with the idea that you should tell it the way his crazy Uncle Charlie, who can’t tell a joke right, would tell it.  All that back tracking to explain what happened in the scene before.  It probably seemed clever when you were talking about it, in the movie, it was annoying.  If you were going to do that, you should have labeled the chapters correctly in time order, then if a person wanted to, they could have watched the story in order.

We understand that you had all that kung fu and sword play to appeal to the men.  Why didn’t you just stick with that?  We all sort of like the scene with the Oriental lady.  It was like a musical dance number with chopping and blood.  You should just make a movie that has musical dance numbers with chopping and blood.  It would have saved us all a lot of aggravation and time if you had.

It’s pretty obvious that you’re cooking up a “Kill Bill 3” starring that scary little girl that stomped on her fish.  It’s only fair to tell you, even if we’re not dead when it comes out, we won’t be watching it.

We wish you all the best, Mr. Dorito.  Please keep in mind some of our suggestions.  We might just be old women, but we have some good real life perspectives to offer.  If you would like to get in touch with us, you can reach us through Betty’s daughter.

With warm regards,

The Ladies of the Unofficial Movie Club (and Bob)




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“We can’t write a letter to every weirdo director in Hollywood. We’d be here all month.”

Maybe all year!
“We figured it would just be a flock of crows.”
but it's satire, butt kicking satire- really!....uh, I think?
I like this part: "even if we're not dead when it comes out, we won't be watching it." hahaha

You know, a lot of their criticism about that movie has some good points. I wonder if Mr. Dorito would read it.
They got a lot more sense than Squintin' Dorito.
They seemed to get that it was cartoon like. They just hated that it drug on and on. The thing that made them the most angry was the sushi scene. They didn't see the point in it.
Well the girls have outdone themselves this time. I hope you wash that shawffler so you won't reinfect yourself with that disease they tried to quarantine themselves from on movie night. Maybe you ought to boil it, Thelma would know if it will shrink.
mm, yeah, the sushi scene...sigh, women who like women can be as sexually oppressive/ wanting to own and devour as men who like women. I like to ignore that part of loving women, but it's true.
There is no point to a scene with sushi in it! People that eat it get distracted by the idea of what they are eating. People that think it is bait get distracted by the idea of what they are eating.

The only reason to put sushi in a movie is to cop free sushi during the down time, cause it's not like it's gonna keep any time.
Thanks for bringing us the update Betty's Daughter. That one cracked me up. Like That's your only redeeming quality! Very funny!
Thelma finds my first name ridiculous. She's never said that to my face, but Mom let it slip one time.
Love this. Your Ladies Unofficial Club has it exactly right
about Senor Doritos and the first paragraph of the letter
really sums him up.
So Thelma has opinions. I guess that comes in handy being a movie critic, but she's wrong about your name. Deven is a wonderful name. I'd keep an eye on that Thelma if I were you.
I think she's warming up to me. At first, she would just "hrrumph" as she walked by - now she actually sneers at me.
Hey, I have a real question - Why was her named bleeped out in the first movie? Did I miss the significance of Beatrix Kiddo?
Tell the ladies (and Bob) that I think the Kill Bills suck. For their next flick I recommend Blue Velvet... that is they want to continue with what I like to call the "twisted" genre of film making. It has a nice song though.
I don't know how you are pronouncing it where you live, but for me Deven rhymes with heaven, and that is a lovely name.

Thelma was actually being rude to your mom, since she's the one that named you.
Actually my name has an interesting backstory to it. My Dad named me. You know, that would make for an interesting post.
I decided a long time ago that my sanity was best served by avoiding Quentin Dorito movies, lest I need a partial lobotomy 30 minutes into viewing. Please thank The Ladies of the Unofficial Movie Club (and Bob) for me, for taking one for the team. I now feel I have been given the lowlights of the movie without costing me one single brain cell. You guys are troopers. Thanks.
loved the bit about men cooking up the idea that women hate each other to reassure their sons we won't hatch plots against them...
I have Mr. Dorito's contact info, which I will gladly hand over if you'll send this. Please, please, please!
I'm afraid of Mr. Dorito.
The Unofficial Movie Club is counting on you to deliver this to Mr. Dorito. Please, please, please send this.
I second that. Also a little concerned that if I break my leg or anything, Paul will immediately call for them to amputate and install some sort of weapon in its place.
For that matter, your Diary People are counting on you to send this. Think of the little people.
Oh Julie, just think of what a fantastic blog that would make!

"My Leg Shoots Buckshot!"
hell knowing mr dorito he might make a sick twisted movie about it.. LOL thema with knitting needles for fingers..
i need sleep but thanks for the smile and chuckle before bed
"Julie, I said the coyote was at the tree-line. Use the scope! Use the scope!"

"Uh, I'm not a contortionist...tell me again why I'm only wearing a corset and a thong?"
Then that snazzy music "WHAAA whaaa WHAAA whaaa"
Ha! You're in my head and that's scary! Probably more so for you...
I'm a big Tarantino fan but I gotta agree with the ladies on the Kill Bills. Couldn't make it all the way through either.

"even if we’re not dead when it comes out, we won’t be watching it." Classic!
There were parts of it I didn't hate. But.. BUT, it was too long or too short, depending on your point of view. The two movies could have been edited down into one longish movie. There were big chunks of it that just... ground... on... and ...on.
I also hated the overall story.
Tequila will make you crazy.
Donuts will make you fat.
That isn't exactly news to me. It's more a way of life.
Yes, I say send it also! The letter is a hoot and that's just what Tarantino needs. Like him but, couldn't even watch this one! Like your name also, unique!
I went to that movie with my in-the-industry daughter and her husband - after about 10 minutes, I told them if they didn't leave with me, they'd have to find their own way home. Later, when they found their way back, my kid tried to explain what a magnificent and meaningful satirical cartoon "Dorito" had fashioned, but me, I just can't stand all that violence, even if it's caricature. Hell, I can't even take the Three Stooges. N'yuk, n'yuk, n'yuk.

Tags are awesome!
great ... now I want Doritos and you know I'll eat the whole damn bag ...
"It was like a musical dance number with chopping and blood. You should just make a movie that has musical dance numbers with chopping and blood. It would have saved us all a lot of aggravation and time if you had."

Hahaha, loved this. I adore your mother and her friends.
I want to borrow your mom for a day and have her spend it with mine. Then, I'd like to give them the number to social security and listen to them figure out what everything on page 74 of their booklet means. A riot (as usual). My mother says "Ha zair jus" instead of hazardous. Rated.
I could write a treasties on why the kill bills is the best movie of all time. I could not remember what my favorite movie was so I did not participate in the meme, but I have weighed it and it is up there with Raising Arizona and All About Eve. In fact, if you merged Raising Arizona and All About Eve, you would get Kill Bill 1&2.

Y'know, I literally spent all of both of those movies asking myself, "Is this awesome? Or is it boring?" and at the end, I still couldn't tell -- luckily, your mom has resolved the problem for me finally.
I was pregnant when I first saw it. So it was very significant to me. It coulda been the hormones, too.
I loved the KB's but, Like ePriddy, I think it was the time of watching it.

However, I do understand the disconnect; and it does drag on.

I'd recommend the following for the Club:

Reservoir Dogs

Pulp Fiction

and what the hell, throw in Get Shorty for fun!
T. Dorito is in town scouting for a new movie location near Austin...the movie is entitled "Kill Krispe Kremes". Screamplay by Jose Cuervo...Salude'!
Oh I would have loved to see Mr Dorito's face if you had sent the letter...!

Love the line about not watching even if they aren't dead. Those gals are wonderful.
Betty's daughter - another hilarious post.

I never saw the Kill Bills - not a huge Mr. Dorito fan. The whole letter is a hoot, but this line is classic -

Frankly we can’t figure out what sort of people you made the movie for.
Re: the sushi scene.

Don't know if this will help, but I can explain the point very simply: the actors are really famous if you watch a lot of kung fu movies and the director thought it would be funny to see them as old guys.

I liked Kill Bill a lot (although I thought releasing it as two movies was bogus) so I guess I can't babysit your dogs!
On the other hand, maybe I'm not remembering which scene was the sushi scene... haven't seen the movies since they came out...

If they really want a movie that has musical dance numbers with chopping and blood, try them on "Kung Fu Hustle."
I'll never think of him as anything but Mr. Dorito ever again. (Another one here who didn't care for the "kill bills".)
This is the best analyis of Mr. Dorito's films I've ever read.
Very sensible movie critics! I think Mr Dorito needs to hear these things.
The way I understand it, the films were tributes to a genre and the bleeping was imitating a style from the genre of B (or C) movies of the 70s, where bleeping was common. The grindhouse films go even farther to imitate the actual experience of being at a drive in theater with lost reels and everything. The only one of his films that i liked was Pulp fiction and that was because of the order of the scenes that lets everyone get out alive at the end (even though they died in the middle).
Wow. Best old-lady feminist critique of dance numbers with chopping and blood ever.

I hope hope hope you actually send this to Mr. Dorito--and let us all know whether he responds.
I think the group should watch Jackie Brown. Its another Mr. Dorito movie and they may not like it but its my favorite of his movies and the most underrated I think. I think they'd get it more than some of his other efforts.