(If you want to read about the ladies watching Kill Bill it's in my previous post: Kill Bills )
Me: “Hi Miss Thelma. Are you doing the review with Mom and Louise this time?”
Thelma: “No, I can’t make heads or tails out of that cat and crow system they’ve worked out.”
Mom: “It’s simple Thelma. Cats are good. Crows are bad. It takes two crows to beat one cat…”
Thelma: “Betty, just save your breath. If I wanted to think that much I’d play bridge.”
Louise: “Thelma is with us today because we don’t want to do a review of the “Kill Bills.”
Mom: “We figured it would just be a flock of crows.”
Louise: “We want to write a letter to the director.”
Mom: “Louise’s great nephew said he was famous and directed and wrote both movies. Did you know he wrote that movie that had that goofy looking girl in it?”
Me: Natural Born Killers? He wrote that one, but another famous guy directed it.”
Thelma: “We can’t write a letter to every weirdo director in Hollywood. We’d be here all month.”
Louise: “Yes, we’ll just talk to this man, Quentin Dorito.”
Mom: “We know it’s a long shot that he’ll ever read it, but it’s possible. Terri-Sue looks up her own name on the computer all the time. That reminds me, she wants you to call her…”
Me: “I just bet she does.”
Mom: “…so make sure you spell his name right so he’ll find this.”
Me: “Got it. So I should start off the letter by saying…?”
Thelma: “How about ‘Dear Man With More Money Than Brains’?”
Louise: “Now Thelma, you can’t start off that rude. ‘Dear Mr. Dorito’ will be fine.”
Thelma: “Well Betty’s Daughter, start writing.”
Me: “Yes ma’am.”
Thelma: “Dear Mr. Dorito, just who in the hell do you think you are?”
Mom and Louise: “THELMA!”
Mom: “We need to tell him who we are first so he doesn’t think we’re just kookie old coots complaining…”
Mom: “What was that look for?”
Me: “Nothing, nothing…”
Dear Mr. Dorito,
We are the members of The Lakeside Retirement Home Unofficial Movie Club. We recently watched your “Kill Bills.” We know we’re not the people that you made the movie for. Frankly we can’t figure out what sort of people you made the movie for. Whoever those people are, we probably wouldn’t feel comfortable with them babysitting our dogs. Maybe you should concentrate on making movies for people you would feel confident wouldn’t kill your dog. That would be a good start.
We chose this movie because a ladies assassins club sounded like fun. We had no idea that the ladies would be killing each other. It makes us think that you’re just another man that thinks that all women secretly hate each other. We don’t. That’s just something fathers tell their sons so they won’t be afraid that women get in groups and cook up plots against men. We do that sometimes. You should make a movie about that.
Talking about some of the details in the movie, we never understood why you bleeped out the bride’s name. We like the bleeping sound as much as the next person, but you really shouldn’t stick it into a movie without a good reason.
We also don’t get the chapters thing. At first, we sort of liked it. It seemed very organized. Then we realized that the events were out of order. I bet you were talking about the idea for this movie over with your men friends and someone came up with the idea that you should tell it the way his crazy Uncle Charlie, who can’t tell a joke right, would tell it. All that back tracking to explain what happened in the scene before. It probably seemed clever when you were talking about it, in the movie, it was annoying. If you were going to do that, you should have labeled the chapters correctly in time order, then if a person wanted to, they could have watched the story in order.
We understand that you had all that kung fu and sword play to appeal to the men. Why didn’t you just stick with that? We all sort of like the scene with the Oriental lady. It was like a musical dance number with chopping and blood. You should just make a movie that has musical dance numbers with chopping and blood. It would have saved us all a lot of aggravation and time if you had.
It’s pretty obvious that you’re cooking up a “Kill Bill 3” starring that scary little girl that stomped on her fish. It’s only fair to tell you, even if we’re not dead when it comes out, we won’t be watching it.
We wish you all the best, Mr. Dorito. Please keep in mind some of our suggestions. We might just be old women, but we have some good real life perspectives to offer. If you would like to get in touch with us, you can reach us through Betty’s daughter.
With warm regards,
The Ladies of the Unofficial Movie Club (and Bob)