“Hi Miss Louise. Mom sent me down here. She said you needed some help.”
“Yes, I need you to get the CD ready to play.”
“Where’s Mr. Bob?”
“Bob said he’d sit this one out. My great nephew was telling him about the movie. I think he might have said ‘fabulous’ one too many times and scared Bob off.”
“Oh, that’s too bad.”
“Maybe not. Movies with too many ladies body parts showing makes Bob tinkle too often. Do you think you can get it set up? Bob said he could come and help you.”
“No, I think I’ve got it. Here come the other ladies.”
***
Mom: “Did you get it loaded?”
Me: “It’s ready to go when you are.”
Mom: “Well don’t turn it on yet. Go get Bob and tell him you need to know what button to push to make it play.”
Me: “Why would I do that? I know what button to push.”
Tansy: “To make Bob feel like he’s needed.”
Me: “That’s just silly, and a little patronizing. Besides I don’t want Mr. Bob to think I’m too stupid to know which button to push.”
Thelma: “I agree with Betty’s daughter.”
Mom: “Now Thelma, you and I both know a woman can’t let her pride stand in the way of making a man feel needed. If we let on that we know how to do all the stuff we know how to do, men would just sit around bone idle and depressed.”
Tansy: “Now go get Bob.”
Me: “I will, but I’m doing it under protest.”
Thelma: “Me too.”
***
Bob: “And you just press this little green button with the arrow on it to make it go.”
Me: “You mean the one labeled ‘Play’?”
Bob: “Yes. And this red one with the square is for stop.”
Me: “Fascinating. Okay, thank you Mr. Bob.”
Bob: “It’s no trouble to help lovely ladies in distress.”
Betty, Louise, Tansy: “Teeheheheeee.”
Me, Thelma: “Hurumph.”
***
Tansy: “Look at the beautiful flower on her dress!”
Thelma: “It looks like it’s going to swallow her head.”
Tansy: “I’m going to try to crochet one of those. Who wants one?”
Mom, Louise: “Me!”
Thelma: “You’ll all end up accidentally smothering yourselves.”
***
Thelma: “She’s going to sleep in a long strand of pearls? This woman is a damn fool!”
Mom: “She could strangle in her sleep.”
Bob: “Hello ladies. Just going to check to see if the mail is here. Thought I’d stop and watch a few minutes.”
Thelma: “So far it’s stupid.”
Tansy: “I like it. The clothes are so pretty.”
Louise: “She’s just going to watch them bop?”
Mom: “Couldn’t you get arrested for doing that?”
Tansy: “Boobies!”
Bob: “Well that’s my cue to tinkle.”
Me: “…oh God…”
Mom: “Did you say something Deven?”
Me: “…no, no…”
***
Louise, Mom, Tansy, Thelma: “::gasp::”
Mom: “Why would you just blurt that out?”
Tansy: “Couples should be honest with each other about everything.”
Mom: “No they shouldn’t! He should have kept that to himself and felt bad about it for the rest of his life.”
Thelma: “They’re both idiots.”
Louise: “Now calm down ladies.”
***
Thelma: “I like that blond woman. Why is this movie about that greyhound face woman with the stupid clothes and not about her?”
Louise: “I like the greyhound face woman. She’s ugly but in a pretty way.”
Mom: “She’s not as goofy looking as that woman in the other Dorito movie.”
Tansy: “I like the dark haired girl. She seems sweet. I bet she knits.”
***
Tansy: “That wedding dress is wonderful!”
Thelma: “Betty and Louise, she’s wearing one of your crows in her hair. Can we just give this a crow and turn it off?”
Bob: “Hi ladies. What’s going on?”
Louise: “They’re just getting married.”
Tansy: “Oh look at their beautiful dresses!”
Mom: “Bob, would a big wedding scare you?”
Bob: “Only if you weren’t there.”
Mom, Louise, Tansy: “Teeeheheheeeee.”
Me: “…oh God..”
Tansy, Mom, Louise, Thelma, Bob: “::gasp::”
Louise: “HE LEFT HER AT THE ALTAR!”
Bob: “That’s terrible. He’s not a real man.”
Thelma: “I’ll like this movie if the limo runs him over.”
Mom: “They didn’t run him over.”
Tansy: “::sniff::”
Thelma: “Good Lord Tansy, are you crying?”
Tansy: “::sniff:
Louise: “Tansy it’s just a movie.”
Tansy: “I feel so bad for her!”
Bob: “Maybe we should take a break ladies. Deven hand me the remote, I’ll pause it.”
Me: “I can pause it Mr. Bob.”
Mom: “No she can’t. Hand the remote to Bob.”
Me: “Mom, I can…”
Mom: “Hand the remote to Bob.”
***
Me: “There’s Thelma. Everyone is back now but Tansy. Is she okay?”
Mom: “She just gets worked up over weddings. She said she’d be back. She’s gone to get her shawl.”
Me: “What do you think about the movie Miss Louise?”
Louise: “I can see why some people would like it. It looks like a bag of cotton candy.”
Mom: “Here’s Tansy.”
Me: “You alright Miss Tansy?”
Tansy: “Yes, yes. I just cry at weddings.”
Me: “Don’t worry, the movie gets better.”
Louise: “The only way this movie will get better is if we turn it on and it’s a different movie.”
***
Louise: “Betty did you ever get a haircut down there?”
Me: “…lalalalalalalalalalalaaaa…”
Mom: “No, I just wore a longer swimsuit.”
Tansy: “Oh, they shouldn’t have done that to that sweet girl!”
Thelma: “They’re laughing at someone pooping their pants? At my old place they would have been in hysterics every day.”
****
Bob: “Is the movie still going?”
Thelma: “I don’t think it’s ever going to end.”
Louise: “Aww, a puppy!”
Mom: “She’s humping that toy!”
Louise: “HA! ‘She’s been fixed but hasn’t lost the urge.’”
Bob: “I was fixed and didn’t lose my urge.”
Mom, Louise, Tansy: “Teeheheheeeheheeee.”
Me: “…ewww…”
Bob: “Well that’s my cue to leave. Let me know if you need my help ladies.”
***
Thelma: “We’re really suppose to think this idiot man was scared off by one sentence? A man that had enough sense to earn enough money to write a check for that apartment in Manhattan? I’m not buying it.”
Mom: “I agree with that. Any business man would know that he needed to get a pre-stump.”
Me: “Did you say ‘pre-stump’?”
Mom: “Yes, a pre-stump. You get one of those before you get married to settle any issues that might stump you when you get divorced. It’s too late for you to get one with Daniel. By now all your stuff is stumped together.”
***
Louise: “I don’t think forgiving the red haired girl for something she said, and forgiving a cheating man is the same thing at all.”
Tansy: “I think it’s important to forgive the ones you love.”
Thelma: “I might forgive you, but I’m going to hold a grudge.”
Tansy: “I don’t think that’s forgiveness Thelma.”
Thelma: “Of course it is. It’s forgiveness with a brain.”
***
Mom: “Well they ended up married.”
Louise: “I’m not sure I would trust him enough to marry him. If he was scared about one sentence, how frightened is he going to be when they go to pay their taxes together for the first time?”
Tansy: “::sniff::”
Thelma: “Tansy you’re crying again.”
Tansy: “::sniff:: It was just such a wonderful story!”
Thelma: “It was a damn fool story about stupid people wearing ridiculous clothes, spending two hundred dollars on pillows, and chicken men doing idiotic things.”
Tansy: “Yes. It was wonderful!”
Thelma: “Next time we’re watching something with some action to it.”
Mom: “Louise and I picked out our next movie. We thought that we’d try something different.”
Me: “Well that’s scary.”
Louise: “We’re going to watch that Batman movie. The one with that poor boy in it.”
Me: “The Dark Knight?”
Mom: “That’s the one.”
Thelma: “Does anyone get married in it?”
Me: “I don’t know, I haven’t seen it. But I doubt if there’s a wedding scene.”
Thelma: “Well count me in then.”
Mom: “Deven, go get Bob and tell him you need to rewind the CD.”
Me: “Mom, you don’t rewind a DVD.”
Mom: “Well I know that, but just go get Bob and tell him you need his help.”
Me: “Mom, I’m not going to do that.”
Thelma: “Just go get him Betty’s daughter or you’ll never hear the end of it. If it makes you feel better, I agree with you.”
Me: “Actually that does make me feel a bit better.”
***
Bob: “See? There’s no rewind button because you don’t have to rewind one of these. Just push that little button with the arrows and the lines and it spits out the disc.”
Me: “Wow. Thanks Mr. Bob.”
Bob: “Oh it’s not problem. It’s nice to feel needed.”
Mom: ::poke:: (whisper) “See?”
Me: “….”
Mom: “Come with me Bob. I want to show you something in the laundry room for a second.”
Louise, Tansy: “Teeheheheeeeheee.”
Me: “…ugh…”
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Comments
Bob: “Well that’s my cue to tinkle.”
Priceless!!!!
but then she got the fairy tale anyway. which is just not the way it works, and why oh why oh why cant they show us someone being ok without the fairy tale?
i know they pretend samantha is that, but samantha's whole self is a fairy tale. she's my favorite character, but in real life, men who look like whats his face dont yearn and ache to marry women old enough to be their mother.
so there is my way too serious take on that movie. but if we can care about dora's message, surely we can care about this movie's message.
is that flower made by tansy?
nice post, as per. i am thinking long and hard lately, of the advice of old women. and i am worried they are right. after all, they were right a lot when we were 18, right? so why not now?
Are they going to sell those crochet flowers? I can't crochet worth a damn and those flowers look sooo cute.
My oh my - keep an eye on that one!
Thelma's summation of the movie is spot-on.
And I love describing a grudge as "forgiveness with a brain."
(I so want one of the crochet flowers.)
There's a twist to that game - now they're "blinding it" - which means that they only get to use the box lid picture for an hour a day. I asked for more details, but truthfully, after about five minutes of conversation going over the new rules, my mind wandered.
Thelma: “I might forgive you, but I’m going to hold a grudge.”
Tansy: “I don’t think that’s forgiveness Thelma.”
Thelma: “Of course it is. It’s forgiveness with a brain.”
Thank you for sharing and thanks to the Gang for saving me from having to watch this movie.
And I'm with Saturn - the best line is "Of course it is. It’s forgiveness with a brain."
I love Thelma... she and I would get along! So what happened in the laundry room with Bob?
A pre-stump - priceless.
I want a crocheted flower now.
I liked it until I started actually thinking about it. Carrie's clothes are
so stupid I can't stand them and I loved the line"ugly, but in a pretty
way" I'm sure Anna Wintour had a big hand in this movie. She sucks.
I hated it when the Animals Rights folk were shown in such a negative light, as if anyone who actually cares about something
other than "high" fashion has just got to be mean looking.
Do you take notes, tape record, or just manage to remember everything until later when you write it?
I was nodding in appreciation of their rating system and then realized how utterly non-sensical that statement would be for the uninitiated. :D
Rated. I think Mom will like Dark Knight. Can't wait!
absolutely wonderful. The movie was ridiculous, although I did love the series.
Rated. And I also want a crochet flower.
How ‘bout a pic of the whole gang?
One more notch on the belt Deven, each one better than the last.
(I'm working on softening them into letting me shoot some kind of picture.)
(Denise, I take one or two word notes through out the movie so I'll remember. I'm sure I probably end up stuffing some words into the ladies mouths from time to time. Memory is a tricky thing.)
You nail it, every time - the little details, the conversational non-loops, the asides to literally deaf ears.
Old people are fantastic; sometimes the mean ones are more fun than the nice ones!
I'm privileged to live in the area where the Young@ Heart chorus is located, and a couple of my folks sing in the chorus. They (the chorus) perform regularly for their peers - when they're not on tour, or starring in a movie.
I love your writing.
I think often, people just tune out seniors. Really just listening to them is a hoot. Who else will talk for twenty minutes about a possible conspiracy theory behind all of them receiving the advertising postcard for vinyl siding?
"Mom: “Now Thelma, you and I both know a woman can’t let her pride stand in the way of making a man feel needed. If we let on that we know how to do all the stuff we know how to do, men would just sit around bone idle and depressed.”
If that's the deal, can you get my wife to stop? I will not be depressed. I promise. Deal with your own machine, woman! (love ya anywayz).
put me on the waiting list for a flower (please)
tell Bob he was very good and kind to have helped you
Greyhound face...HAHAHHAHA
I think Thelma likes you a lot more than she's let on...and she's my new fave of the ladies, aside from your mom of course. Another great post. I really think these need to be combined into a book - editors, get on it!!!
it makes it go!!
for 5 years now i've had my dvd player on the kitchen counter next to the toaster...it keeps great time
anyway....i'm off to blockbuster!!!
hilarious post
But when I win that lotto, I'm going to move to LA, wherever what's 'er name lives and get that neighbor.
Wonderful!
Thanks for sharing these scenes with us.
Do you think Louise would mind if I appropriated “The only way this movie will get better is if we turn it on and it’s a different movie.”?
I would also add my name to the list of people willing ( eager even) to pay for one of Tansy's flowers but only if it would be fun for her to do it.
Six cats on this one.
I crochet (I know, weird for being under 40) and I wanna make a flower too (*blushes*). Can you ask Tansy if it's a pattern or if she just made it up?
Freakin' awesome post, BTW (like always)!