Don’t cry.

Don’t cry.

Don’t cry.

Everyone else in here looks like they’re going to church.  What’s the deal?  Oh, here comes a guy in fleece and flip flops.  I don’t understand why people’s toes don’t snap off wearing flip flops in the cold.  There's a woman with her little girl, I wonder if the little girl is here for the same reason we are?

Don’t cry.

Don’t cry.

Don’t cry.

What do I do if something happens to him?  He’s my best friend.  I don’t think that I… okay, shut up!

Don’t cry.

Don’t cry.

Don’t cry.

That’s not really working.  Distraction, I need distraction.  Well we have a three month old copy of Motor Trends and a last month’s Good Housekeeping that seems to be covered in a questionable substance.  Why in the hell did I think I could read Roberto Bolaño in my current state of mind?  Stupid heavy book.  

He’s been back there two hours.  They said it would take an hour.  What if something went wrong?  What if they killed him and now they’re trying to cover it up?  What if I go up there and ask and they say, “I’m sorry, we have no record of him being here.”?  Okay, I might be getting hysterical.  Breathe, breathe.

Don’t cry.

Don’t cry.

Don’t cry.

You know what?  I need to get outraged over something.  I don’t cry when I’m outraged.  What can I find to bug me.  This shouldn’t be hard, everything bugs me.  Gad, this is the blandest room I’ve ever seen.  All muted sage greens and grays.  It’s like they’re trying to trick us into being calm…. That’s not working.  I need something more to get ornery about.  Paint color?  Really, you’re trying to get outraged by muted paint colors.  That’s just pathetic Deven.  Try harder.

Okay, that lamp.  That’s one pretentious lamp.  They probably paid two thousand dollars for that lamp.  There was probably a half hour pitch for that lamp.  Talk about how that lamp was edgy, modern, had a small footprint while looking substantial by taking up vertical space, raising our eyes to the high ceiling… this isn’t working.  I’m not getting outraged.  I’ve just confirmed that I’m watching way too much HGTV.  Stupid House Hunters.

Don’t cry.

Don’t cry.

Don’t cry.

Wow.  My stomach just growled.  I’m hungry?  How could I be hungry when he’s back there having God knows what .. okay stop…

Don’t cry.

Don’t cry.

Don’t cry.

I know if I go to the vending machine, that will be when they call me.  I just know it.  I think I feel dizzy.  I might vomit.  I could vomit all over that lamp.  Maybe that’s what happened, someone else wanted to vomit on the lamp and hit the Good Housekeeping instead.  Now I really want to vomit on the lamp.  I hate that lamp.  I want that lamp to die.  Die, oh my God…

Don’t cry.

Don’t cry.

Don’t cry.

What the hell is wrong with me?  We’ve been through this before.  This isn’t the bit where you get all teary.  They just take a chunk.  Cry after the test comes back.  Maybe it’s nothing at all.  Yeah.  Nothing.  Nothing.  How likely is that?  Not bloody likely.  Stop it, stop it, stop it.  Don’t let that snooty lamp see you cry.  That’s what it wants.

Go tell that receptionist you’re going to the vending machine for a second.  That will work.  Gee, she looks like she’s seven years old.  I wonder if they have to give her a break for an afternoon nap and a bottle.  No, now don’t be mean.  It’s not that she’s seven, it’s that you’re seven hundred.  Look in the window reflection.  It looks like someone has been motor crossing over your face.  Eh, who cares?  That lamp probably does.  Okay, go, go.  Get a snack before you fall over.

Ugh.  Really?  Why is it every hospital has the most disgusting vending machine selections?  Are they trying to drum up business?  I guess their one nod to health is that sad Nature Valley Bar.  I hate those things.  Hmmm… there’s peanuts.  I read something about peanuts not being great for you.  I’m thinking that those Flaming Doritos aren’t too good for you either.  I really feel sick.  I’m getting the Snickers.  I haven’t had one of those in years.  I think I hate them.  That might be good for the outrage distraction thing.

Don’t cry.

Don’t cry.

Don’t cry.

No?  They didn’t call for me?  Yeah, that’s because I told you I was going to vending.  If I hadn’t, they’d have called for me. 

This is disgusting.  Why did I get this?  It’s too sweet.  I’m going to go into sugar shock.  Why don’t they have a fruit vending machine?  I could use a banana.  There should be strolling banana salesmen.  That’s not a bad idea.  I could hire me some people and set up strolling banana salesmen.  They could dress all in yellow and wear a banana hat.  Maybe we could sale other fruit too.  And tomatoes and carrots. … … I’m losing it.

Don’t cry.

Don’t cry.

Don’t cry.

Look at how swollen my feet are.  They’re all puffed up over the strap.  That’s vile looking in a really fascinating way.  I wonder if the lady next to me has puffed up feet.  Okay, glance over casually, look like you’re nodding off… yes, her feet look puffy to me.   Her heels have to be over three inches.  Who wears f’me pumps here?  Well, I guess she does.  Maybe she’s using the foot pain to distract her from crying.

Don’t cry.

Don’t cry.

Don’t cry.

Why is this taking so long?  Is there something wrong?  Nothing is wrong, nothing has gone wrong.  You know that.  I know no such thing.  Things go wrong all the time.  What do I do if something has gone wrong?  I don’t know if I…

What?  What?  Did they call me?  I think they called me.  Yes, yes…  YES!  I can go back to him!

I really hate that lamp.