Me: “Hello this is your daughter.”
Mom: “Well you were wrong.”
Me: “Did you make sure the water was boiling before you poured it in?”
Mom: “Why would I pour boiling water on Channel 18?”
Me: “Channel 18?”
Mom: “…”
Me: “…”
Me: “Okay, let’s start over. What are you talking about?”
Mom: “Cable. What were you talking about?”
Me: “The pasta cooker tube. Mom, we’ve been through this. You guys get your TV signal through cable. All of you will still get TV just fine.”
Mom: “No we won’t. We already lost Channel 18.”
*ring*
Mom: “That’s my house phone, just a minute…”
Distant Mom: “Hello this is Betty… uh huh… uh huh… I know… Channel 18… I have her on the other line… I’ll tell her.”
Mom: “Tansy says it’s okay. She forgives you.”
Me: “Forgives me for what?”
Mom: “For lying to us and now we’ve lost Channel 18.”
Me: “I didn’t lie to anyone! I didn’t even know there was a Channel 18.”
Mom: “Channel 18 plays religious shows and those long commercials. You wouldn’t be watching it because you’re a heathen that orders things from the computer. Did you hear that Wow Guy got his tongue bit off by a working girl?”
*ring*
Mom: “Just a sec’. It’s my other phone.”
Distant Mom: “Hello this is Betty. Yes, I have her on the travel phone right now… I know… Channel 18…. Okay, I’ll tell her.”
Mom: “Louise says it’s okay, everyone is wrong every once in awhile.”
Me: “Okay, that’s it. I’m coming over there before this gets out of hand.”
Mom: “Well you better come through my patio door. You might get lynched in the lobby.”
*****
Me: “Okay show me what you’re talking about.”
Mom: ::click:: “Here.”
Me: “Oh my God, you’re right!”
Mom: “See? That message popped up this morning.”
Me: “It says to call the cable company. Let’s do that and figure this out.”
*****
Me: “Okay, the cable guy says we need to go pick up a little box. It’s free.”
Mom: “Deven, nothing is free.”
Me: “Really Mom, there won’t be a charge.”
Mom: “Now. There won’t be a charge now. In a month there will be something telling us if we want to see Channel 18, it will be five bucks.”
*ring*
Me: “Don’t answer that.”
Mom: “Hello this is Betty… uh huh… uh huh… Channel 18… she’s here now, we’re going to the cable company.. uh huh. Something about a box… uh huh. Deven says it’s free… yeah, me either… Okay, I’ll tell her.”
Mom: “Thelma says you’re a dumb ass.”
Me: “Mom!”
Mom: “Well to Thelma’s credit, I doubt if she really thought I’d tell you that. Teeheheheheee.”
***back from the cable office***
Me: “I just need to hook this thing up and then he said to call and activate it.”
Mom: “I bet that’s when they’ll charge me, when they activate it.”
Me: “They’re not going to charge you.”
Mom: “What do you know? You didn’t think we’d lose Channel 18.”
Me: “I didn’t know there was a Channel 18.”
Mom: “That’s because…”
Me: “…I know, I know, because I’m a computer using heathen.”
Mom: “If you have to turn the TV around, you’re going to end up spinning it off the table, breaking your toe, smashing the TV, and starting a fire.”
Me: “That’s it Mom, think positive. I just need to turn around the VCR.”
Mom: “You’re going to electrocute yourself.”
Me: “I’m not going to electrocute myself.”
Mom: “You’re going to get the wires crossed and blow up my VCR.”
Me: “I’m not going to blow up your VCR. In fact, I’m done.”
Mom: “Oh.”
Me: “Now I’m just going to call them to activate.”
Mom: “They’re going to charge me.”
[calling cable, punching in info]
Me: “Here, talk to the service tech.”
Mom: “I don’t want to talk to…
Me: “Talk to him!”
Mom: “Hello cable man. That was just my rude daughter. She’s trying to blow up the TV. Yes, yes, that’s my address. She says we need to activate that little black box. How much will that cost?.... Free? Oh, my daughter said there would be a charge…”
Me: “I did not!”
Mom: “That was her being rude again. Yes, I see a red and yellow light now. Oh! There’s the picture…. Program the remote? Can’t I use my old TV remote? I don’t know, that sounds dangerous… in the instruction booklet. Yes, I’ll have my daughter do it. Thank you. Good bye.”
Mom: “Well I guess I don’t have a remote any more.”
Me: “Mom, I just need to program the cable remote to recognize your TV.”
Mom: “Don’t bother. It will be good exercise for me to manually turn on and off the TV.”
Me: “Mom, I’m programming the remote. The instructions are right here.”
Mom: “You’re going to mess it up. I’ll punch a button and my microwave will come on.”
Me: “There’s no way that will happen.”
Mom: “Well you said Channel 18 would always…”
Me: “Enough! Just let me do this.”
Mom: “Gee, you don’t have to get all snarky.”
Me: “Snarky? Where did you pick up that word?”
Mom: “I watch TMZ.”
Me: “You do?”
Mom: “Just because I don’t know who all the people are that they talk about, doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate a good snarky.”
Me: “…you know, I can’t process that right now. I’m just going to program the remote.”
Mom: “You’re going to blow something up.”
Me: “Mom, there’s not a detonate button on the remote. If there were, sets would be blowing up every time Perez Hilton flashed on.”
Mom: “HA! I know who that is! From TMZ! What’s wrong with that boy’s hair?”
Me: “Mom, I think his hair is the least of that boy’s problems. Looks like I have to hit the setup key, then hold down 'TV', then enter one of these codes.”
Mom: “Sounds complicated. Don’t bother. I don’t need a remote.”
Me: “You need a remote. I just do that until I hit OFF and it turns the TV off. Then we know it’s the right code.”
Mom: “How many codes are there?”
Me: “…oh dear. About twenty. Okay, let’s try.”
Mom: “Didn’t turn it off.”
Me: “Next.”
Mom: “Didn’t turn it off.”
Me: “Next.”
Mom: “Didn’t turn it off.”
Me: “Mom, are you going to tell me that each time?”
Mom: “I’m helping!”
[five minutes later]
Mom: “IT TURNED IT OFF!”
Me: “Thank God. Here, let me show you how to use it.”
Mom: “I know how to use a remote.”
Me: “Well there’s just a couple of little things you might need to know.”
Mom: “Just hand it to me…. Okay, why isn’t it changing the channel?”
Me: “That’s what I wanted to show you. You need to press the right little button at the top to tell it if you’re talking to the TV or the cable box.”
Mom: “That’s stupid.”
Me: “It might be stupid, but that’s the way it is.”
Mom: “HA! Just like the rest of life. So, I want to change the TV channel, so I press the TV button…”
Me: “No, your cable signal is going through the little box, you need to hit the cable button.”
Mom: “That seems wrong. Okay, I’m clicking the cable button. Nothing is happening.”
Me: “Are you hitting the cable button, then hitting a channel button?”
Mom: “Oh. You have to do that too? That’s a lot of buttons. It would be easier to just to get up and change it by hand. I want Channel 55. Raymond is coming on. Okay, I did it!”
Me: “Okay, now you need to know how to turn off the TV.”
Mom: “I hit off. Like this…. Why is the screen blue?”
Me: “Because you didn’t tell the remote that you were talking to the TV.”
Mom: “This is too much work.”
Me: “Mom, it’s just a couple of buttons.”
Mom: “Okay, I hit TV. It’s not turning off.”
Me: “Did you hit TV, then hit the power button?”
Mom: ::sigh:: [click] “It’s off. I’ll never figure out how to turn it on again.”
Me: “Hit the cable button, then hit power. Then punch the TV button, and hit power.”
Mom: “How many times do I have to hit power for this thing to know I mean it?”
Me: “Once you get the hang of it, it won’t be hard.”
Mom: “That’s what they say about the trapeze.”
Me: “ah.. what? Where did that reference come from?”
Mom: “Lynda Carter said that when she was on Circus of the Stars.”
Me: “You remember that, but can’t remember how to work the remote?”
Mom: “Lynda Carter was more interesting. Okay, so hit cable, power, tv, power. It came on. Why is it on Channel 3? We were watching Channel 55.”
Me: “The TV is on Channel 3, your TV will stay on Channel 3 all the time. The cable box is on Channel 55.”
Mom: “That’s dumb.”
Me: “I want to make sure that you know how to turn on and off the thing and how to use the channel changer. Turn off the TV again.”
Mom: “We’re going to wear it out. [click] The TV is blue again.”
Me: “That’s because you forgot to tell it that you were just talking to TV. You turned off the cable box.”
Mom: “This is hopeless.”
Me: “You use the most complicated VCR remote I’ve ever seen. You can do this Mom.”
Mom: “Okay, I got the TV off. Now what?”
Me: “Turn it back on to practice.”
Mom: “[click] It’s on Channel 3 again. Why is Raymond on Channel 3?”
Me: “Because your TV will always stay on Channel 3. Let me write that down.”
Mom: “Why is cable squishing all the channels through Channel 3? Won’t it clog?”
Me: “I’m so tired.”
Mom: “What’s this big ON DEMAND button do?”
Me: “Oh that’s sort of cool. Push that.”
Mom: “Nothing is happening.”
Me: “Did you push the little cable button first?”
Mom: “I don’t need to know what ON DEMAND is.”
Me: “Mom, you just have to hit cable first…”
Mom: “ON DEMAND probably costs a lot of money.”
Me: “There’s lots of free stuff on there.”
Mom: “Deven, nothing you demand is going to be free.”
Me: “You know what? I’ll just show you about that another time.”
Mom: “How do I get the VCR to record through this.”
Me: “……………”
Mom: “What’s that look?”
Me: “Well, hunker down, this is going to take awhile.”
*****
[a few days later]
*ring*
Me: “Hello, this is your mother. Aren’t you in your room?”
Ben: “Yes.”
Me: “Why didn’t you just come downstairs? Did you break your hip?”
Ben: “It was easier to call you.”
Me: “That’s what’s wrong with America. What do you need?”
Ben: “Why didn’t you explain the remote to Grandma?”
Me: “What?”
Ben: “Grandma’s been calling me the last couple a days asking for help with the remote. She said that you just hooked up the box and left.”
Me: ::gasp::
Ben: “Mom, she’s an old lady. You should have practiced on the remote with her."
Me: ::gasp::
Ben: “You didn’t even tell her that the TV is going to always stay on Channel 3.”
Me: ::gasp::
Ben: “She told me that she’s recorded six hours of blue screen on the VCR. Didn’t you show her how to do that? You’d have to know she couldn’t figure that out!”
Me: “Ben. Do you really think that I would just hook up that box and run out of her apartment?”
Ben: “Well that’s what she said you did.”
Me: “I didn’t! I walked her through all of it. Three times!”
Ben: “She doesn’t understand it. I couldn’t talk her through the VCR thing.”
Me: “We’re probably going to have to get her the DVR upgrade for that.”
Ben: “You better do a better job explaining the DVR to her than you did on telling her about the remote.”
Me: “Oh no little boy. You’re going to be the one to work with her on the DVR thing.”
Ben: “W-w-what!?”
Me: “Yes sir. You’re going with me, oh King of all Tutors.”
Ben: “Mom, I didn’t say…”
Me: “It’s going to be great! You can tell her all about the remote, the DVR, and the pasta tube.”
Ben: “Pasta tube? Mom, I never meant…”
Me: “Yeah, and when the screen goes blue, and the channel sticks on three, and her spaghetti is crunchy, you can tell her all about it.”
Ben: “Mom, I don’t want…”
Me: “See you there! Oh, and just wait until Miss Thelma calls you a dumbass, you heathen computer user.”
Ben: “MOM!”
[click]
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Comments
This reminds me of my Mom, she's getting more and more like that as we get older. Every time I talk to her on the phone she's watching DirectTV and she hits a button without paying attention "what? no! no! I didn't want that! How do i get back? Stupid remote." and I forget where we were in the conversation lol
Heeehehehehehehhheeeee...
Good on ya', you "heathen that orders things from the computer."
Just be grateful it's just cable and not satellite. Satellite tv might send Mom over the edge. Big time.
I've been gonna call me up and find out how to do the VCR thingie. Think I'll just call grandma, talkin' to her sounds like fun!
Don't bother....you know she NEVER listens to a word you say, and you'll just make her curious about me; then she'll just *have* to meet me.
Rated (for ENDLESS patience)
Oh yeah....really great writin' too!
And really - how much longer do I have before the kids are blogging about me?
I screamed "give...my...creation...LIFE!" when I finally figured out how to hook it all up and turn it on in the proper sequence.
I miss my old TV. It had a volume control that you turned on, a dial for VHF, and a dial for UHF. There was nothing you could screw up on it.
(“Thelma says you’re a dumb ass.” LOL! This is -classic!-)
I love your mother.
Channel 18 sounds scary.
:-)
Rated.
rated
Arrgh.
d
Words to live by.
Thanks for this. You've earned a drink.
If we have problems though, do you think Ben could come over and give us a hand? ;-D
HAH! She still has problems. I keep telling her that it doesn't work through the cat! ARGGGG!
Well, you would have thought we declared war on her or something. "I CAN'T FIGURE THIS OUT! HOW DO I GET TO MY EMAIL!?!?"
You click there and then click right there...
OH, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THAT BEFORE!?!? AND WHY CAN'T I HAVE MY PC BACK? ISN'T APPLE GOING TO DIE? EVERYONE SAYS THEY ARE GOING TO DIE. DIDN'T THEY GO OUT OF BUSINESS? WHY DID YOU GIVE ME THIS? IS IT JUNK? WHY IS IT SO DAMNED COMPLICATED? ARE YOU TRYING TO DRIVE ME CRAZY!?!?!?
*sigh*
This is the one area that makes me want to pull my hair out with my mom. I've become a *little* better at dealing with it, since I know how the opera is going to unfold.
I've never been successful with getting her to use a DVD player. She's afraid she'll switch it on and never get back to the tv.
We had a computer set up for her about five years ago. I wanted her to have access to email and her home town paper. I wrote out detailed and tabbed instructions. I would still get calls telling me that AOL was broken. Most of the time it was because she forgot that you had to move the cursor (that black flashy thing) and then click on stuff.
I'm really hoping the DVR works out. Her VCR is dying and I don't see investing in another one. Right now it's a trick to find tapes, I can imagine that is going to get more challenging.
I'm off for a Mom Day today. Wish me luck.
then all she has to do is press that button to turn everything on or everything off. I will say that sometimes it doesn't work and only 2 of the 3 go on or off, and you need to do it the way you instructed her. But it works at about 95% of the time.
Mom: “Sounds complicated. Don’t bother. I don’t need a remote.”
I never even SAW that button. HA! Okay, I'll fix that up today.
(I was delayed leaving. Waiting on phone call - not that you asked)
That button works with our remote. I swear, I never even noticed that button before. Thank you guys!
My own mom - still living at home - did a great flounce last week. My brother came up to visit, and he and I had recently communicated on Facebook, so we were talking about what he said on Facebook, which was an announcement of his concert schedule.. (He's a concert pianist, among other things...) Now, we had all discussed his concert schedule,together, about two minutes previous, being that I am the mom schlepper to all family events.
She said:" Well, I am just going to tell both of you that I am NOT joining your Place Book!"
Thank God for small mercies!
I 'twittered' for about 2 days and it grew old. I most be doing something wrong...
She had her cd's loaded into the computer (HOW she managed it, I don't even know). Then she says 'That thing doesn't work'. What thing? 'That mp3 thing.' What do you mean it doesn't work? 'It doesn't have my music on it. I thought you said that my music would go into it.' Well, yes. Do you have your cd's loaded into the computer? 'Yes.' Well, have you hooked the ipod to the computer? 'Yes. duh...' Well... And you don't get *anything* on the ipod? 'Nope. no music.' Well, next time you stop over, bring your computer and the ipod. 'Ok.'
A week later, she comes down, with the requested stuff. Her music is on the computer alright although it's all under 'Unknown Artist' and the track names are the default names from iTunes. I hook everything up and go looking for her cable. Mom, where's your ipod cable? 'My what? Everything I use is in that box.' (which is true actually) But Mom, you need that cable that came with your ipod. 'It didn't come with a cable.' Yes it did. With the earphones too. 'It comes with earphones? I never say them.' I find the box, in her box and open it and take the black plastic liner out and there they are. Mom, how were you going to listen to the music without earphones? 'There isn't any music on the thing to listen to.' Well, yeah, because you didn't open the box! 'I did.' Come here...
'Oooohhhh. Why did they hide that stuff in the box? Don't they want people to use their thing?' (good point) Then, later: How can you tell what the music is? 'By listening to it.' Yeah but the software can automatically get the names of the songs and the artist and stuff off the internet. 'How does it do that?' Well, when you put the cd in, it will look for it. 'It asked me something about that and I said no. I don't want other people to know what music I listen too.' Well then you don't know what you are listening to either until you've heard it. Let me get the names for your tracks now, that way if anyone is looking they'll think that I listen to that music. 'Well, I don't want to get you into any trouble.' Why? What 'music' do you listen too? 'Mostly harp music.' Well I doubt that anyone cares that you listen to harp music. 'Well, you never know.' Indeed...
She has been a blast though. She's already on several groups on Yahoo and we had an intelligent discussion on the pros and cons of digesting a listserv. I give her a lot of credit. For being near 70, she is way more involved and more vibrant and alive because of the computer and possibly in spite of it too... Now if I can just get her to stop buying everything that Billy Mays hawks on the teevee...
I bought my mom a digital camera two years ago, figuring it would be a good way for her to delete all of those shots she takes where only two of four people have an entire head.
She called me three days after Christmas, crying, because she couldn't work it.
So everyone tried to help her, (me, my tech savvy partner, my brothers), but she refused all help. it was too complicated. I told her I would return it and she could get something else at Best Buy, but it had to be returned within 30 days.
She refused to return it.
Now I own it.
Maybe next year I should give her something complicated that I want! A Wii!
Gonz, your mom must be a long lost twin of Deven's mom. She sounds just like her.
But I want you to relay something to your mother for me: I think she's being mean! She lied to Ben about you helping her! And if she can forward Thelma's "You're a dumbass" remark, then I think you can forward my "You're being a sneaky snake" remark.
She's sharp as a cookie cutter and you do so much for her! Tell her that I think she owes you an apology on this one. Especially because cable remotes were obviously designed by rocket scientists. ;)
DaBerm, I get what you're saying. It's hard to explain the family dynamic behind this, but she knows what she's doing, so do I. It's sort of a joke between her and I. She knows she's going to get caught when she sets me up - that's half the fun. Of course I tell people that I've installed a stripper pole in her apartment. We both give as much as we get.
Ready? Ahem... Read The Fucking Manual.
I've had the same remote for years and never noticed that "all on" button. What's wrong with me?
Good stuff.
Melissa: Yes! We've been craving some Tequila and Donuts lately, so thanks for the fix :-) You were actually the first OS blogger we started following and part of the inspiration behind our joining. Just wanted to thank you and your mom for the humor and wisdom you both share--as well as the often exhausting effort it takes to record that humor and wisdom!
And wrote down the instructions. And did it all again fifty times. And he still constantly gets it all screwed up and has to call my brother. Who lucky for me and unlucky for him lives right beside my dad.