Mom:  “It’s good to have everyone back together.”

Thelma:  “What’s Betty’s daughter doing here?”

Me:  “Miss Thelma I came to celebrate the return of the movie club, and before you ask, I feel just fine.”

Thelma:  “You hear stories all the time about how people said they feel great and then they fall over dead.”

Louise:  “She’s right, you do hear those stories.  Remember Mr. Rumsey in 104?”

Mom:  “That must have been before I came.  What about Mr. Rumsey?”

Tansy:  “It was a couple of years ago.  Mr. Rumsey came to an ice cream social.  He was going on and on about how he felt better that day than he felt when he was seventy.”

Louise:  “Yes, he even did a Dancing With the Stars tango with Tansy.  Then he went back to his apartment.  Said he was going to tend to his patio tomatoes.”

Tansy:  “About an hour later, I looked across the court yard and saw him sprawled over his outside chaise.  He was in an awkward position, but I thought that he was trying to tan his calves.”

Thelma:  “Only you would think that someone laying face down and ass up is a tanning position.”

Tansy:  “When he hadn’t moved for an hour.  I got suspicious that maybe he wasn’t tanning.”

Thelma:  “Nothing gets by you Tansy.”

Tansy:  ::sigh:: “The last thing he did was tango with me.”

Thelma:  “The last thing he did is spread chicken fertilizer over his grape tomatoes.  Point is, he fell over dead after saying he felt fine.  Betty’s daughter, just to be safe, you should go sit in your corner and try not to breathe.”

Me:  “Yes ma’am.”

Mom:  “Bob, do you have the movie ready to go?”

Bob:  “I do indeed.  I think I might sit this one out gals.  You come get me if you stunning ladies need anything.”

Mom, Louise, Tansy:  “Teeheheheheheee.”

Thelma:  “Hand the remote to me.”

Bob:  “You just press on the big arrow button…”

Thelma:  “I know what button!”

Louise:  “Yes, if there’s one thing Thelma knows how to do, it’s push buttons.”

***

Mom:  “We left a recliner outside one summer.  We brought it back in when the weather turned cooler.  Turns out raccoons were living in it.”

Me:  “Mom, those weren’t raccoons; those were rats”.

Mom:  “Don’t tell people we had rats living in our furniture.”

Me:  “But they were rats.”

Mom:  “Well they were fluffy rats.”

Louise:  “Whoa!  They get right into it in this movie.”

Tansy:  “Oh she’s drinking that nasty Sunny DeLight.  The only way to make that taste good is to add red wine to it.”

Mom:  “Can you imagine if they had those pee sticks back in our day?”

Thelma:  “I was so irregular, I would have gone broke peeing.”

Louise:  “Yeah, it would have taken some of the magic out of life.  Whenever I had a little scare, and it turned out that I wasn’t in the way, it felt like Christmas.  I would bake my favorite apple pie to celebrate. My husband started calling it “Keep It In Your Pants Pie.”

Me:  “…oh God.”

Mom:  “Did you say something Deven?”

Me:  “no, no…”

Tansy:  “I was bored my first time too.”

Me:  “Oh dear lord, no…”

Tansy:  “Terrance and I were engaged anyway.  He was headed back to the base for three weeks, and then coming back for our wedding before he shipped out.  We were at the bus station.”

Louise:  “Tell us more Tansy.”

Me:  “I’m good with just knowing that much.”

Tansy:  “We had about forty five minutes before his bus was due in.  He leaned over to me and whispered ‘Want to get it over with?’ And I thought why not?”

Me:  “That’s very interesting Miss Tansy, let’s watch the movie.”

Mom:  “You did it in the bus station?  Where?”

Me:  “That’s none of our business.”

Tansy:  “In a janitor’s closet.  It was fine.  You couldn’t get nylons in those days anyway.”

Mom:  “Nylons?”

Tansy:  “Well I wasn’t wearing any, so I wasn’t worried about getting a ladder.”

Louise:  “How did you manage in a closet?”

Me:  “That’s none of our business.   We’re missing the movie.”

Tansy:  “We stood up.  Terrance was a short man.  Our whole married life, the smell of Pine-Sol would get me frisky.  ::sigh:: It was so romantic.”

Mom:  “….”

Me:  “….”

Louise:  “….”

Thelma:  “….”

Mom:  “Well my first time…”

Me:  “MOM!”

Mom:  “Oh, all right, you fuddy duddy.  I’ll tell y’all later.”

***

Louise:  “I had that pregnancy conversation with my daughter too.”

Mom:  “How old was she?”

Louise:  “Just turned sixteen.  Her father was all set to force the boy to marry her.  I put my foot down.  Told him that I still had a daughter, and now a new baby to raise, I wasn’t going to throw in a new son on top of that.”

Thelma:  “Good for you.  Men are fools about such things.”

Mom:  “Does anyone know what this movie is about?”

Me:  “I’m lost.  We’ve been talking too much.”

Tansy:  “Should we rewind it?”

Thelma:  “Naw.  There weren’t any explosions or shootings we missed.  Let’s just pay attention for awhile.”

***

Thelma:  “I’m bored.  I’m going to see if the mail is here.”

Mom:  “I’ll come with you.”

Tansy:  “I’d like to get a cranberry drink from my apartment.”

Louise:  “I’ll come with you and see if I got any mail.”

Me:  “I don’t have anywhere to go.”

Thelma:  “Then you’re stuck watching the movie.”

***

Mom:  “What did we miss Deven?”

Me:  “Not much plot line.”

Tansy:  “Look!  I got the ice cubes to fall into the bottle!”

Me:  “That is exciting.”

Louise:  “I just got the grocery circulars.  I need to sign up for more junk mail.”

Thelma:  “I got a card from that stuck up church.”

Me:  “Stuck up church?”

Thelma:  “Yes, they have a coffee server girl in their vestibule.”

Me:  “Ah.”

Thelma:  “Did the movie pick up any action?”

Me:  “Not really.”

***

Thelma:  “My Stuart was a hard birth.”

Mom:  “Was he breech?”

Thelma:  “He was a pretzel birth.”

Louise:  “I’ve never heard of a pretzel birth.  What does that mean?”

Thelma:  “He was folded up like a pretzel.  Tried to come out sideways.”

Me:  “Ow!”

Thelma:  “Oh it hurt alright.  They had to go up there and pry him out.”

Mom, Louise, Tansy, Me:  “OW!”

Thelma:  “He was clinging and clawing trying to climb back in.  Took after his father that way.”

Me:  “Oh my God…”

Thelma:  “Was never the same down there after that.  Never wore shorts again.”

****

Thelma:  “That’s it?  She hands over the baby and then they play guitar?”

Me:  “I think so.  But there was a lot of social subtext in the movie.”

Louise:  “Social subtext?  It was boring.”

Mom:  “I wouldn’t know, I wasn’t really watching.”

Tansy:  “I miss Terrance so.  I’m going home and clean the bathroom.”

Thelma:  “….”

Louise:  “….”

Mom:  “….”

Me:  “….”

Thelma:  “Betty’s daughter, the next movie should have some action to it.  We’re too old to care about social subtext.”

I was strolling by the apartment office, and glanced at the sign up sheet.  Look at #2.  Seems like I'm going to an ice cream social.  Maybe I'll be ass up tanning my calves too.