Ben: “Hi Grandma.”
Mom: “I’m glad you’re going with us to the casino buffet Ben.”
Me: “You two better be hungry!”
Mom: “Ben, I tried to call you last night. You didn’t answer.”
Ben: “Ah… yeah,… ah, I was asleep.”
Me: ::snort::
Mom: "I called at 8:30. It’s good to see you’re getting fourteen hours of sleep a night.”
Ben: “What were you calling to tell me?”
Mom: “Well for starters I wanted to tell you your mom is being all nutty about this ‘tea and toast only before the casino buffet’ rule of hers…”
Ben: “She took my chips away last night…”
Me: “I just want both of you hungry. We need to make back the price of the ticket.”
Mom: “…and then I wanted to tell you that the ladies decided you’re joining us for the next movie night.”
Ben: “NO!”
Me: “YES!”
Mom: “We had invited Jackie. We thought she’d be a good addition to the group. She said yes, then she changed her mind.”
Me: “Why?”
Mom: “She says she’s blind. That woman isn’t blind.”
Me: “Wait, is Jackie that tiny little woman with the pink walker and the wrap around sunglasses?”
Mom: “Yes. She’s not blind.”
Me: “She calls me Marsha.”
Mom: “That proves she isn’t blind.”
Me: “Mom, Marsha is Mrs. Hendrickson’s caretaker. I have about fifty pounds on her and she’s Asian. I think Jackie might really be blind.”
Mom: “She can tell you’re there to call you Marsha. Besides, she’s able to get her own mail.”
Me: “I’ve seen her do that. She feels and counts the number of mailbox locks. I think she’s really blind Mom.”
Mom: “If she’s really blind, why is she picking up the mail anyway? What’s she going to say? ‘I got a big rectangle and a small rectangle today.’?”
Ben: “Grandma, that was a little mean…”
Mom: “Okay, maybe it was. Anyway I was a little suspicious of her before she told us she was blind. Have you heard that voice of hers?”
Me: “It is a little deep…”
Mom: “Why do you think her voice is so deep? It’s not natural for that voice to come out of such a little thing. I bet she has a hookah pipe in her apartment.”
Me: “So you decided that Ben would make a fine replacement for her. Well I approve. What’s the movie?”
Mom: “Oh, well that’s why we thought of Ben. This movie is supposed to be all the rage with teenagers…”
Ben: “Oh nooooo…”
Mom: “Twilight.”
Me: “YES!”
Ben: “Oh Grandma no! Mom grounded me and made me read the book. Isn’t that enough?”
Mom: “We want a young person’s perspective.”
Ben: “Mom tell her I can’t come.”
Me: “Well that would be lying Benjamin. And that would be wrong. I think it’s a great idea.”
Mom: “I signed him up to bring snack.”
Me: “Pringles and Pepsi it is.”
Ben: ::groan::
****
Me: “We’re almost there. I hope your stomach is growling.”
Mom: “Yes, I’m hungry. I just had tea and toast like you told me. I did have some butter and preserves on the toast. Oh, and a couple of eggs and some brunswager.”
Me: “Mom!”
Ben: “I’m hungry. I just had three waffles and a couple of cups of cocoa.”
Me: “Ben!”
Ben: “What’s the difference between tea and toast and waffles and cocoa?”
Me: “Oh for Pete’s sake. Okay you two, just focus on the high end items. No filling up on rolls and rice.”
Ben: “Rolls and rice sounds pretty good…”
Me: “No! Think about making back the price of the ticket.”
Mom: “It’s not really going to matter. We’re going to get arrested when Ben walks into the casino.”
Me: “Mom, I told you, he can go to the buffet, he just can’t go into the gaming area.”
Mom: “Isn’t the whole casino a gaming area?”
Me: “Well sort of. Ben just needs to walk along the wall.”
Mom: “Why is it okay for a minor to walk along with wall but not down the aisle?”
Me: “I don’t really know. Those are just the rules.”
Mom: “Those whacky Indians.”
Me: “Mom, we’re Natives too.”
Mom: “We’re pretty whacky.”
***
Me: “Mom, what would you like me to get you?”
Mom: “Meatloaf, rice, and green beans.”
Me: “That’s exactly what I get you at Old Country Buffet. How about some prime rib?”
Mom: “Too fatty and chewy. Meatloaf, rice, and green beans will be fine.”
Me: “They have some salmon that looks good.”
Mom: “Bleech. Everyone everywhere here is always trying to pawn off salmon on you. Meatloaf, rice, and green beans.”
Me: “How about some shrimp?”
Mom: “When have you ever known me to eat shrimp? I don’t like how they’re shaped.”
Me: “What if I get a pile of it and smash it into a loaf form?”
Mom: “Don’t be a smarty pants. Meatloaf, rice, and green beans.”
***
Me: “Oh no. They don’t have peel and eat shrimp on the lunch buffet. There’s no way to eat the value of the ticket price now!”
Ben: “Hello.”
Me: “You have three pieces of sweet and sour chicken and a cup of rice. Go back and get some more.”
Ben: “That’s all I want right now.”
Me: “And you call yourself an American.”
***
Ben: “Mom, what’s wrong?”
Me: “This salmon is awful.”
Ben: “What’s that stuff next to it?”
Me: “I don’t know. It looked expensive so I got it.”
Mom: “It smells like feet.”
Me: “There wasn’t anything else up there that I wanted. Rats. We’re going to end up in the hole for the ticket cost. Maybe we can make up some ground with dessert.”
Mom: “I’ll have a cookie.”
Me: “ ‘A cookie.’ As in one cookie?”
Mom: “Yes. A sugar cookie.”
Me: “A singular sugar cookie isn’t going to help us make back the ticket price.”
Mom: “Okay, make it chocolate chip instead.”
Me: “Ben, you’re my last hope.”
***
Me: “Well we spent forty five dollars to eat about twelve dollars worth of food.”
Mom: “Even if you add in dessert?”
Me: “You ate a fourth of a cookie, Ben ate a half cup of vanilla ice cream, and I scraped out the insides of a piece of cherry pie. I figure that might come to about two bucks.”
Ben: “It’s not about the food Mom, it’s about the experience.”
Me: “You mean the experience of you two eating a lumber jack’s breakfast before we go to a buffet?”
Mom: “Well next time we should just go to Old Country Buffet. Ben I’ve been thinking, since you read the book, maybe you should give a little report to the ladies before the movie.”
Me: “YES!”
Ben: “NO!”
Me: “It’s not about the movie Ben, it’s about the experience.”
Ben: “I think I’m going blind Grandma.”
Mom: “Don’t be silly Ben. I’m calling Thelma right now to let her know you’re going to do a book report!”
Me: “YES!”
Ben: ::groan::
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Comments
(First? If so, that's just bizarre.)
Glad to see more on Mom Day, btw!
But now that I think about it, that might backfire and turn them off reading forever.
Thanks for another rollicking Mom Day report, and we’re looking forward to more sneak footage!
—Melissa
They don't use real cherries in the pie, it's 12 cent fakeeries!!! :)
love the videos
Mom: “Those whacky Indians.”
Me: “Mom, we’re Natives too.”
Mom: “We’re pretty whacky.”
Still laughing. Thanks for another great mom report, hope everything is good and everyone is well.
I hope you post Ben's book report that he's presenting before the showing of "Twilight."
That's how I'm going to start describing our daily mail to my husband. Rated.
Reader Not Writer already mentioned my favorite part!
- rated
(thumbified for the unique pleasure that is Mom. More videos, please!)
Me: “Well that would be lying Benjamin. And that would be wrong. I think it’s a great idea.”
ooooh, you are so wonderfully evil!
My fave part: "Mom: “If she’s really blind, why is she picking up the mail anyway? What’s she going to say? ‘I got a big rectangle and a small rectangle today.’?”
[sshh - you need to surreptitiously film Ben's report to the Ladies before the Twilight film. It'll be educational! It's about the Experience, right?]
James, you're just going to have to trust me that I'm very careful when I'm doing this. I always have my camera out and ready in the car. I don't text and drive, or talk on the phone and drive. I hate the phone.
*snort* :D
LOVE your stories.
I can't wait to here about the book report. Tell Ben it is karma for the thing you had to talk to him and his gf about after ice cream.
Tell Mom I think shrimp just look to pathetic to eat.
Priceless. Thanks!