Ben: I’m not going to do it.
Me: Yes you are. You’re not going to disappoint all those old people.
Ben: Mom I really, really don’t want to do this.
Me: It will be good practice. Life is filled with stuff you really, really don’t want to do but you gotta do anyway…
Ben: ::sigh::
Me: …and usually when it’s over, you’re glad you did it.
Ben: I’m not sure I’m buying the glad part.
Me: Admittedly you’re usually glad because you did it and you never have to do it again.
Ben: ::sigh::
Me: And I think it would be safe to say that you’ll never have to give a book report on Twilight again.
Ben: ::sigh::
Me: Quit sighing.
***
Louise: We have two handsome gentlemen with us tonight.
Ben: [whispering] It’s one o’clock in the afternoon.
Me: [whispering] Shhhhhh… that’s night in this building.
Louise: We all know our very own Prince Charming Bob.
Mom, Tansy: Teeheheheheeee….
Louise: And joining us is Betty’s youngest grandson Ben. He is going to give us a little lecture about tonight’s movie.
::clap clap clap clap::
Me: [whisper] Go on up Ben.
Ben: [whisper] No.
::THUMP::
Mom: Ben, did you fall out of your chair?
Me: Why yes he did. He’s just so excited.
***
Ben: In my opinion Twilight is a book written to appeal to ten through sixteen year old girls.
Thelma: Then why did you read it?
Ben: My mom made me as a punishment.
Louise: Why?
Ben: Because my mom is weird.
Mom: Ben!
Me: I don’t mind Mom. I am weird. And he needs to remember I birthed him, so he’s at least half weird by genetics.
Mom: Well you didn’t get weird from my side of the family.
Me: Uh huh.
Louise: Dear, I meant what did you do to receive a punishment?
Ben: Oh. I ran up the cell phone bill talking to my girlfriend.
Thelma: Girlfriend? How old are you?
Ben: Fifteen.
Thelma: That’s too young for a girlfriend.
Tansy: I was fifteen when I got married.
Louise: What? Tansy you told us that you got married on a military base.
Thelma: You told us your first time was in the janitor’s closet at the bus station.
Tansy: That was with my second husband. My first marriage was annulled after our parents found out. It probably wasn’t legal anyway, since we lied. Back then you just had to lie and have three dollars to get married. We probably could have stayed married if we could have just figured out how to get his you know what into you know where.
Mom, Me, Ben, Bob, Thelma, Louise: ……
Bob: I knew how to get you know what into you know where at fifteen, but I was raised on a farm.
Thelma: Now days too many fifteen year olds know how to get you know what into you know where.
Mom: I think that fifteen year olds need to know how you get you know what into you know where and if you do that you run the risk of having a whoopsie pop out nine months later.
Tansy: That wouldn’t have stopped me at fifteen. I wanted a whoopsie.
Mom: Well Ben doesn’t want a whoopsie. Ben after the movie you have a talk with Mr. Bob about you know what.
Me: I think Ben already has first hand knowledge about you know what and you know where.
Bob: Hee hee hee…
Mom, Thelma, Louise: What!?
Bob: Now ladies, let’s leave the poor boy alone.
Me: He’s turning an interesting color of purple.
Bob: Go on with your book report Ben.
Ben: ………….
Me: Breathe my little whoopsie, breathe!
Ben: ::gasp:: Okay, so like I said, this book was written to appeal to teenage girls.
Louise: How so?
Ben: Edward, the head vampire, is this really moody emo kind of kid…
Mom: Emu? Like the big bird?
Ben: No Grandma, emo, like emotional.
Tansy: So Edward cries a lot?
Ben: No, he’s just, you know, like tortured by life.
Louise: What’s torturing him?
Ben Well I think he’s miserable because he’s stuck being seventeen forever.
Mom: That would do it for me. Why would that appeal to teenage girls?
Ben: Teenage girls love guys that seem tortured for some reason. He also drives a fancy sports car, plays piano, flies, and has skin that glitters.
Tansy: Ohhhhhh…. I might like him.
Mom: So what’s the story about?
Ben: This girl moves to Forks, starts high school. She meets Edward and his family. They play baseball, meet a bad vampire at the game. He wants to feed on her. Edward and his family come up with a plan to keep her safe. It doesn’t work. There’s a fight near the end of the book. That’s about it.
Louise: Does the girl become a vampire too?
Ben: No.
Tansy: Does anyone become a vampire?
Ben: No.
Thelma: What’s the point of the book?
Ben: I don’t know.
Thelma: ::hrumph::
Louise: Is there anything else you’d like to tell us about the story?
Ben: No ma’am. I didn’t even want to tell you that much.
Louise: Okay dear. I guess we’ll just start the movie then.
Bob: Give me a second to tinkle. Ben come sit by me. Us men need to stick together.
***
Mom: Is she a vampire?
Ben: No Grandma.
Mom: How about him?
Ben: No Grandma.
Mom: That Indian kid has to be a vampire. Look at his teeth.
Ben: No Grandma.
Mom: How can they have a vampire movie with no vampires?
Thelma: I don’t think Orientals can be vampires.
Louise: Not everyone in Forks is Oriental. I’ve been there.
Thelma: I know that! I was just talking about that dopey perky kid. He can’t be a vampire.
Ben: I think that Asians can be vampires.
Thelma: So that kid is a vampire.
Ben: No, he’s not.
Thelma: Told you.
***
Thelma: This is the kid we’re suppose to swoon over? He’s pasty.
Mom: What’s wrong with his hair? It looks like he went to sleep in the coffin with his hair wet.
Tansy: Did you see that? Did you see that? He saved her from being squished. That was exciting.
Thelma: It would have been exciting if she got squished.
Mom: Why does everyone have blue skin? I wouldn’t trust a doctor with blue skin. Is he a vampire?
Ben: Yes Grandma.
Mom: Finally!
Tansy: If he wants her to forget, why doesn’t he just glamour her?
Louise: Glamour?
Me: Miss Tansy, you watch True Blood?
Tansy: Yes. Why doesn’t he glamour her?
Me: Only the vampires on True Blood glamour.
Tansy: All vampires glamour. It’s a known fact.
Me: …ah… okay… he can’t glamour her because it’s too rainy in the Pacific Northwest.
Tansy: That makes sense.
Me: It does?
Thelma: I’m not going to ask what glamour means because it sounds like something stupid.
Louise: Why do all the kids like Bella? She’s so blah.
Mom: All the kids in this movie seem kind of creepy.
Ben: ::groan:: Edward “you wear a mask. You want people to think you’re a bad guy, but you’re not.” Puke, that’s so corny.
Bob: I bet a few girls think you’re a bad boy Ben.
Mom: I think you’re a bad boy Bob.
Louise, Tansy, Mom: Teeheheheheheheeee
Me, Ben: …oh God…
Mom: Did you say something Ben?
Ben: No, no…
***
Tansy: He rescued her from those bad men.
Thelma: For a moment there, I thought it might get exciting.
Tansy: I think it’s romantic.
Thelma: Pah, it’s hard to take a love story seriously that takes place in high school.
***
Mom: I’d throw up flying through the air like that.
Tansy: Oh look, he’s bedazzled!
Louise: That would make a mess on your sheets.
Ben: That glitter isn’t suppose to come off. It’s his skin.
Mom: What happens if he gets a sunburn? Does he turn into a ruby?
Ben: I think he’d die.
Me: Well then, let’s hope he gets a sunburn.
Ben: “My own personal brand of heroin.” Oh please….
Mom: What does she smell like? Cookies?
Louise: That wouldn’t do it for me. Bacon, no bacon would do it for me.
Bob: I like the smell of fabric softener. Right Betty? ::wink::
Louise, Mom, Tansy: Teeeheheheheeee
Me, Ben: …oh God…
Mom: Did you say something Ben?
Ben: No, no…
Mom: Well they’re perfect for each other. They’re both as gloomy as all get out.
Tansy: If they only drink animal blood, does that make them vampire vegetarians?
Mom: I can’t be the only one that thinks that him watching her sleep is creepy.
Louise: No, I agree that’s creepy.
Thelma: Baseball? Okay, this movie is just stupid.
Mom: Snack! Snack! Snack!
Thelma: Calm down Betty. I doubt if they let her be eaten.
Mom: Honestly, could she possibly smell that good? I use to work by Mrs. Baird’s Bread. It smelled wonderful, but I never stormed in the bakery and tried to attack the bakers.
***
Tansy: Awwww… she’s his life now.
Thelma: She’s his life now because he can’t resist the smell of cookies.
Mom: You know Ben took ballet.
Ben: I did not!
Me: He took a tap class when he was five.
Louise: He did? How marvelous! Maybe after the movie you could perform a little routine for us.
Ben: No!
Me: Yes!
***
Mom: That’s it? That’s the end?
Louise: How is this relationship suppose to work out if he’s not going to make her a vampire too?
Ben: I told you it was stupid.
Bob: Wow, I made it all the way through the movie without a potty break. Ben you must be my good bladder charm. You come back and watch movies with us anytime.
Louise: Yes, we’ll go through the movie list and pick out something young people like. You can bring your girlfriend.
Ben: No!
Me: Yes!
Mom: You know we’ve never watched any of those Harry Popper movies…
Ben: No!
Me: No!
guilt tripping and bribery were used in the production of this photo
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Comments
Thanks for another fine installment of Mom Day!
Did you say something?
No, no . . . .
Rated for the bakery tour reference. We toured the Butter Crust plant (San Antonio) when I was in elementary school. Best bread I ever had.
i will send ben five whole dollars if he will let you make an 8 second video of him tapping, or even just pretending to tap. pretending to tap is pretty fun, tell 'im.
thanks for another great post, tequila.
btw: Mom just loved the photo. She requested a 5x7 to post on the bulletin board.
I really think you need to get the movie club hooked on "Twin Peaks."
I'm toying with the idea of getting them to watch "True Blood." The first season. I'm not certain if I could make it through it with them though. I just curious about Tansy.
I only read the first chapter but I did warn some poor 6th grade boy in my class that the movie probably wasn't for him.
Harry Popper this weekend--in 3D!
You just don't even know... Have you no shame!?
Twilight is a masterful work of staggering genius!
*sob*
This was my favorite: "Ben you must be my good bladder charm."
Your mom stories make my life a little more fun. Or they provide m only fun. Something like that. Rated.
I think you should push for "White Nights" to be the next movie, and then make Ben re-enact the dance scenes afterward.
Nah, never mind - that might be construed and cruel and unusual punishment.
He likes his grandma, that helps. That and a huge guilty conscious.
This is my favorite line: "Mom: Well you didn’t get weird from my side of the family." hahahaha
Ben got the same kind of amazing weird that you did. He's a winner. If I were you, I'd keep him. Along with Mom.
Methinks he's got a few years before that tiny collection of hairs is going to amount to anything resembling a mustache. And even then, the 'stache thing is a bit too 70s gay porn star. That's it! Tell him he looks like an underage gay porn star from the 70s. If that doesn't get him to shave it, nothing will.
And his neck? Does he have a mustache on his neck? Or hickeys? I must know more.
Wonderful post, I laughed and laughed!
I have been howling at your latest installment of your mother and pals. Not only have you introduced a cross-generational theme, but vampires to boot.
My favorite lines were:
"Ben: Edward, the head vampire, is this really moody emo kind of kid…
Mom: Emu? Like the big bird?"
I raised two boys so I know why this is so funny. I also read all 4 Twilight books, which is like admitting I killed a dog or bird or something on this forum (I hope I don't get hate mail). And I loved them.
denese
Tell Ben that so far, my opinion of Twilight is highly comparable to his. My sister sent me the books on CD, and I'm slogging through Twilight trying to wrap my mind around hte concept that my intelligent, feminist sister in her 50's....likes them. Edward and Bella are starting to really grate on me.
He and I are just in the wrong target demographics, I guess. But I so enjoy your mom and her friends. =o)
My sisters and I have a pact. If any of us are ever in a coma, the others will make sure she doesn't grow a full beard.
" It looks like he went to sleep in the coffin with his hair wet." - awesome.
That Tansy is a pistol.
Rated. :)