Deven McKay

Deven McKay
Location
Seattle, Washington,
Birthday
July 01
Bio
I've changed a lot in the last five years, some good, some bad, some things are just different. I'm trying to find a way back to me, but I'm pretty sure that my GPS has dementia.

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Editor’s Pick
AUGUST 27, 2009 7:31PM

Mom Day: Movie Club, Once Bitten Twice Shy

Rate: 58 Flag
much guilt tripping and bribery used in the production of this photo
guilt tripping and bribery were used in the production of this photo
 

Ben:  I’m not going to do it.

Me:  Yes you are.  You’re not going to disappoint all those old people.

Ben:  Mom I really, really don’t want to do this.

Me:  It will be good practice.  Life is filled with stuff you really, really don’t want to do but you gotta do anyway…

Ben:  ::sigh::

Me:  …and usually when it’s over, you’re glad you did it.

Ben:  I’m not sure I’m buying the glad part.

Me:  Admittedly you’re usually glad because you did it and you never have to do it again.

Ben:  ::sigh::

Me:  And I think it would be safe to say that you’ll never have to give a book report on Twilight again.

Ben:  ::sigh::

Me:  Quit sighing.

***

Louise:  We have two handsome gentlemen with us tonight.

Ben:  [whispering]  It’s one o’clock in the afternoon.

Me:  [whispering] Shhhhhh… that’s night in this building.

Louise:  We all know our very own Prince Charming Bob.

Mom, Tansy:  Teeheheheheeee….

Louise:  And joining us is Betty’s youngest grandson Ben.  He is going to give us a little lecture about tonight’s movie.

::clap clap clap clap::

Me:  [whisper] Go on up Ben.

Ben:  [whisper] No.

::THUMP::

Mom:  Ben, did you fall out of your chair?

Me:  Why yes he did.  He’s just so excited.

***

Ben:  In my opinion Twilight is a book written to appeal to ten through sixteen year old girls.

Thelma:  Then why did you read it?

Ben:  My mom made me as a punishment.

Louise:  Why?

Ben:  Because my mom is weird.

Mom:  Ben!

Me:  I don’t mind Mom.  I am weird.  And he needs to remember I birthed him, so he’s at least half weird by genetics.

Mom:  Well you didn’t get weird from my side of the family.

Me:  Uh huh.

Louise:  Dear, I meant what did you do to receive a punishment?

Ben:  Oh.  I ran up the cell phone bill talking to my girlfriend.

Thelma:  Girlfriend?  How old are you?

Ben:  Fifteen.

Thelma:  That’s too young for a girlfriend.

Tansy:  I was fifteen when I got married.

Louise:  What?  Tansy you told us that you got married on a military base.

Thelma:  You told us your first time was in the janitor’s closet at the bus station.

Tansy:  That was with my second husband.  My first marriage was annulled after our parents found out.  It probably wasn’t legal anyway, since we lied.  Back then you just had to lie and have three dollars to get married.  We probably could have stayed married if we could have just figured out how to get his you know what into you know where.

Mom, Me, Ben, Bob, Thelma, Louise:  ……

Bob:  I knew how to get you know what into you know where at fifteen, but I was raised on a farm.

Thelma:  Now days too many fifteen year olds know how to get you know what into you know where.

Mom:  I think that fifteen year olds need to know how you get you know what into you know where and if you do that you run the risk of having a whoopsie pop out nine months later.

Tansy:  That wouldn’t have stopped me at fifteen.  I wanted a whoopsie.

Mom:  Well Ben doesn’t want a whoopsie.  Ben after the movie you have a talk with Mr. Bob about you know what.

Me:  I think Ben already has first hand knowledge about you know what and you know where.

Bob:  Hee hee hee…

Mom, Thelma, Louise:  What!?

Bob:  Now ladies, let’s leave the poor boy alone.  

Me:  He’s turning an interesting color of purple.

Bob:  Go on with your book report Ben.

Ben:  ………….

Me:  Breathe my little whoopsie, breathe!

Ben:  ::gasp:: Okay, so like I said, this book was written to appeal to teenage girls.

Louise:  How so?

Ben:  Edward, the head vampire, is this really moody emo kind of kid…

Mom:  Emu?  Like the big bird?

Ben:  No Grandma, emo, like emotional.

Tansy:  So Edward cries a lot?

Ben:  No, he’s just, you know, like tortured by life.

Louise:  What’s torturing him?

Ben  Well I think he’s miserable because he’s stuck being seventeen forever.

Mom:  That would do it for me.  Why would that appeal to teenage girls?

Ben:  Teenage girls love guys that seem tortured for some reason.  He also drives a fancy sports car, plays piano, flies, and has skin that glitters.

Tansy:  Ohhhhhh…. I might like him.

Mom:  So what’s the story about?

Ben:  This girl moves to Forks, starts high school. She meets Edward and his family.  They play baseball, meet a bad vampire at the game.  He wants to feed on her.  Edward and his family come up with a plan to keep her safe.  It doesn’t work.  There’s a fight near the end of the book.  That’s about it.

Louise:  Does the girl become a vampire too?

Ben:  No.

Tansy:  Does anyone become a vampire?

Ben:  No.

Thelma:  What’s the point of the book?

Ben:  I don’t know.

Thelma:  ::hrumph::

Louise:  Is there anything else you’d like to tell us about the story?

Ben:  No ma’am. I didn’t even want to tell you that much.

Louise:  Okay dear.  I guess we’ll just start the movie then.

Bob:  Give me a second to tinkle.  Ben come sit by me.  Us men need to stick together.

***

Mom:  Is she a vampire?

Ben:  No Grandma.

Mom:  How about him?

Ben:  No Grandma.

Mom:  That Indian kid has to be a vampire.  Look at his teeth.

Ben:  No Grandma.

Mom:  How can they have a vampire movie with no vampires?

Thelma:  I don’t think Orientals can be vampires.

Louise:  Not everyone in Forks is Oriental.  I’ve been there.

Thelma:  I know that!  I was just talking about that dopey perky kid.  He can’t be a vampire.

Ben:  I think that Asians can be vampires.

Thelma:  So that kid is a vampire.

Ben:  No, he’s not.

Thelma:  Told you.

***

Thelma:  This is the kid we’re suppose to swoon over?  He’s pasty.

Mom:  What’s wrong with his hair?  It looks like he went to sleep in the coffin with his hair wet.

Tansy:  Did you see that?  Did you see that?  He saved her from being squished.  That was exciting.

Thelma:  It would have been exciting if she got squished.

Mom:  Why does everyone have blue skin?  I wouldn’t trust a doctor with blue skin.  Is he a vampire?

Ben:  Yes Grandma.

Mom:  Finally!

Tansy:  If he wants her to forget, why doesn’t he just glamour her?

Louise:  Glamour?

Me:  Miss Tansy, you watch True Blood?

Tansy:  Yes.  Why doesn’t he glamour her?

Me:  Only the vampires on True Blood glamour.

Tansy:  All vampires glamour.  It’s a known fact.

Me:  …ah… okay… he can’t glamour her because it’s too rainy in the Pacific Northwest.

Tansy:  That makes sense.

Me:  It does?

Thelma:  I’m not going to ask what glamour means because it sounds like something stupid.

Louise:  Why do all the kids like Bella?  She’s so blah.

Mom:  All the kids in this movie seem kind of creepy.

Ben:  ::groan:: Edward “you wear a mask.  You want people to think you’re a bad guy, but you’re not.”  Puke, that’s so corny.

Bob:  I bet a few girls think you’re a bad boy Ben.

Mom:  I think you’re a bad boy Bob.

Louise, Tansy, Mom:  Teeheheheheheheeee

Me, Ben:  …oh God…

Mom:  Did you say something Ben?

Ben:  No, no…

***

Tansy:  He rescued her from those bad men.

Thelma:  For a moment there, I thought it might get exciting.

Tansy:  I think it’s romantic.

Thelma:  Pah, it’s hard to take a love story seriously that takes place in high school.

***

Mom:  I’d throw up flying through the air like that.

Tansy:  Oh look, he’s bedazzled!

Louise:  That would make a mess on your sheets.

Ben:  That glitter isn’t suppose to come off.  It’s his skin.

Mom:  What happens if he gets a sunburn?  Does he turn into a ruby?

Ben:  I think he’d die.

Me:  Well then, let’s hope he gets a sunburn.

Ben:  “My own personal brand of heroin.”  Oh please….

Mom:  What does she smell like?  Cookies?

Louise:  That wouldn’t do it for me.  Bacon, no bacon would do it for me.

Bob:  I like the smell of fabric softener.  Right Betty?  ::wink::

Louise, Mom, Tansy:  Teeeheheheheeee

Me, Ben:  …oh God…

Mom:  Did you say something Ben?

Ben:  No, no…

Mom:  Well they’re perfect for each other.  They’re both as gloomy as all get out.

Tansy:  If they only drink animal blood, does that make them vampire vegetarians?

Mom:  I can’t be the only one that thinks that him watching her sleep is creepy.

Louise:  No, I agree that’s creepy.

Thelma:  Baseball?  Okay, this movie is just stupid.

Mom:  Snack!  Snack!  Snack!

Thelma:  Calm down Betty.  I doubt if they let her be eaten.

Mom:  Honestly, could she possibly smell that good?  I use to work by Mrs. Baird’s Bread.  It smelled wonderful, but I never stormed in the bakery and tried to attack the bakers.

***

Tansy:  Awwww… she’s his life now.

Thelma:  She’s his life now because he can’t resist the smell of cookies.

Mom:  You know Ben took ballet.

Ben:  I did not!

Me:  He took a tap class when he was five.

Louise:  He did?  How marvelous!  Maybe after the movie you could perform a little routine for us.

Ben:  No!

Me:  Yes!

***

Mom:  That’s it?  That’s the end?

Louise:  How is this relationship suppose to work out if he’s not going to make her a vampire too?

Ben:  I told you it was stupid.

Bob:  Wow, I made it all the way through the movie without a potty break.  Ben you must be my good bladder charm.  You come back and watch movies with us anytime.

Louise:  Yes, we’ll go through the movie list and pick out something young people like.  You can bring your girlfriend.

Ben:  No!

Me:  Yes!

Mom:  You know we’ve never watched any of those Harry Popper movies…

Ben:  No!

Me:  No!

 

 twilight pic

guilt tripping and bribery were used in the production of this photo

 

 

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They thought that "No Man's Land," aka "No Country For Old Men" was a better vampire movie.
"Harry Popper"

Thanks for another fine installment of Mom Day!
I think having to read that book is cruel and unusual torture.
I read the book. All I can remember of it was the references to a shiny, shiny Volvo and mushroom pasta.
I'll bet you DID have to bribe Ben! Tell him he looked precious and glad he "entertained" the movie club. Rated for Mrs Baird's. I remember touring it when I was a girl scout in Dallas! This was hyterical! Did Bob share "how to get you know what into you know where" with Ben?
If he did, I really don't want to know about it. They did saunter off together toward the laundry room though...
Most excellent and appreciated.
oh no....the infamous laundry room? Did Ben take Mom's walker bell?
You are a master of humiliating your son! Brilliantly! I must take notes . . . the Giant will be turning 16 next month, and I want to be prepared. Then again, in getting to know your mother, it could be genetic . . . in which case, you can be pretty sure that Ben will be loving you for the rest of his life, too.

Did you say something?

No, no . . . .
The movie industry need need needs to read the movie club reviews. I read the book, thought it was ok for repressive girl fiction but when they trotted out the actors I was stunned by their stupidity. The producers, not the actors.
I like having a bladder charm while watching Harry Popper movies, too. They're kinda long. Although not as long as those Lord of the Rings movies, which are all at least 19 hours long, with 5 endings each.
Harry Popper! Yes! And I think Ben should wear a wizard's costume on the day.
I'm afraid of the club's take on LOTR.
They'd never get through even 1 entire LOTR movie but it would be quite quite funny to hear what they had to say. Especially if they know nothing about them in advance. I mean any group that can turn No Country for Old Men into a vampire movie...well, I'm salivating here. But of course you'd have to sit thru the movie, too. I can see the dilemma.
I'd love to see what they think LOTR. I bet it would be hysterical.

Rated for the bakery tour reference. We toured the Butter Crust plant (San Antonio) when I was in elementary school. Best bread I ever had.
hee hee hee You are so evil! I especially loved the part where you tried to get Ben to do a little tap dance. And well, Tansy! My goodness! I'm thrilled and scandalized all at once. Whoopsie!
I am sure this was more entertaining than the book or the movie, times 10. good bladder charm hah!
I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. Thanks!
Y'all are so nice. Thank you.

btw: Mom just loved the photo. She requested a 5x7 to post on the bulletin board.
A tri-generational movie club report. I love it. This report confirms my decisions to not read/watch Twilight.
I didn't see the movie , but it couldn't be as good as this post. (It's nice to know I'm not the only person who uses the word "Oriental.")
OK, I nearly peed myself. I should have taken Bob's advice and did that before sitting down to read this.

I really think you need to get the movie club hooked on "Twin Peaks."
I second Steve -- and now I never have to see the movie, either. Brilliant!
The movie really, really is awful. I might be persuaded to say something nice about the cinematography - but that's about it. I'll think about the "Twin Peaks" thing.

I'm toying with the idea of getting them to watch "True Blood." The first season. I'm not certain if I could make it through it with them though. I just curious about Tansy.
That was great!

I only read the first chapter but I did warn some poor 6th grade boy in my class that the movie probably wasn't for him.

Harry Popper this weekend--in 3D!
Haha! This was fun. My daughter loves the movie and has a poster of Edward, of course, hanging in her room. What's with the emo??? hehehehe Ben did a great job.... :)
Just about spewed my coffee at the computer screen while reading this. Loved Tansy's take on things. Ben's a good sport, even if it does require bribery.
this may be the best movie review yet! as they're all so fab, is that even possible? rated!
You people...

You just don't even know... Have you no shame!?

Twilight is a masterful work of staggering genius!

*sob*
Awesome. Best movie club post yet!
I 'bout peed my pants reading this! Watching movies with my family was never so awesome. You are the queen of fabulous dialog.
This post was soooo worth waiting for!

This was my favorite: "Ben you must be my good bladder charm."
Best Mom Day yet. I teehee-ed through the entire conversation. And I'd say poor Ben but he deserves it. Now I need to figure out a way to send you my 15 year-old son with firsthand knowledge of you know what and you know where. He needs to do penance with the ladies and sit with Bob (though I doubt he'd be a bladder charm).

Your mom stories make my life a little more fun. Or they provide m only fun. Something like that. Rated.
That explains a lot.
I definitely think you should add these teeth to your avatar! LOL Love it! Love Mom!
A triumph! Are vampires who only eat animals vegetarians!
Good ta see ya again. With a mom post, no less.

I think you should push for "White Nights" to be the next movie, and then make Ben re-enact the dance scenes afterward.

Nah, never mind - that might be construed and cruel and unusual punishment.
I really love your Mom and her friends. Although, if I were you, I'd sleep with one eye open after making Ben go through all of that. Has he recovered yet from the embarrassment? There's not enough gas money and Funyons in the world to get my teens to be as gracious as he was.
That's so funny you mentioned Funyons. Ben has just discovered the joys of those.

He likes his grandma, that helps. That and a huge guilty conscious.
I can't stop laughing, I might pee myself! Oh no, I'm Bob!

This is my favorite line: "Mom: Well you didn’t get weird from my side of the family." hahahaha

Ben got the same kind of amazing weird that you did. He's a winner. If I were you, I'd keep him. Along with Mom.
I am still laughing. Did he really take tap? "I never stormed the bakery and tried to attack the bakers." Wonderful!
Ha. Great mom review. Ben sounds like a chip, er, a crumb off the old donut. Or the munchkin doesn't fall far from the donut. A good kid. But maybe he should do something about the thing growing above his lip.
Chris, ya think? YA THINK?! I think he leaves that slimy thing over his lip to bug me. You should see his neck.
I think that's a strong hypothesis. When I was a Senior in HS I had an enormous beard, and half the reason was to annoy my mom. If you pretend that you like it, he may decide to shave it. Or you could tell him that people on OS find it disturbing.

Methinks he's got a few years before that tiny collection of hairs is going to amount to anything resembling a mustache. And even then, the 'stache thing is a bit too 70s gay porn star. That's it! Tell him he looks like an underage gay porn star from the 70s. If that doesn't get him to shave it, nothing will.

And his neck? Does he have a mustache on his neck? Or hickeys? I must know more.
Actually, I was thinking that we could have a mustache off. I'll quit getting mine waxed. Six weeks in, I'd have him beat.
I read the Twilight book during the family beach trip and got through most of it, but threw it down towards the end after a particularly harlequin passage that made me go, "EEEwwwww." Great torture for a teen age boy. Good job!

Wonderful post, I laughed and laughed!
Oh T&D,

I have been howling at your latest installment of your mother and pals. Not only have you introduced a cross-generational theme, but vampires to boot.

My favorite lines were:

"Ben: Edward, the head vampire, is this really moody emo kind of kid…

Mom: Emu? Like the big bird?"

I raised two boys so I know why this is so funny. I also read all 4 Twilight books, which is like admitting I killed a dog or bird or something on this forum (I hope I don't get hate mail). And I loved them.

denese
I tried to read the book. I really did.
This is hysterical!

Tell Ben that so far, my opinion of Twilight is highly comparable to his. My sister sent me the books on CD, and I'm slogging through Twilight trying to wrap my mind around hte concept that my intelligent, feminist sister in her 50's....likes them. Edward and Bella are starting to really grate on me.

He and I are just in the wrong target demographics, I guess. But I so enjoy your mom and her friends. =o)
Re: Mustache
My sisters and I have a pact. If any of us are ever in a coma, the others will make sure she doesn't grow a full beard.
'Twilight' used as punishment...I love it!!! Rated
They were right, No Country For Old Men IS a better vampire movie. Javier Bardem is the most excellent vampire ever. Vampires don't need to have sharp teeth.

" It looks like he went to sleep in the coffin with his hair wet." - awesome.

That Tansy is a pistol.
oh my! This was a wonderful review. I agree that Twilight is terrible. (soapbox moment: the Twilight series is just teaching young women that abusive, controlling boyfriends just love them too much. sheesh) And the interplay between everyone is great! It's like I was there.
Rated. :)
I loved this review! It was better than watching the movie!