"Well this is always interesting..."
"Yes, the ladies want to write a letter to Meat Loaf Aday."
"Oh lord Mom, more Meat Loaf talk? I swear y'all are all fixated."
"Fixated?! No! We're just fans. Appreciative fans. Don't pretend like you don't have some stars you appreciate too. I wrote out that letter to Miss Mary Lynn for you. Now you can return the favor."
"Miss Mary Lynn? Who's that?"
"Ha! Pretending like you don't remember... She was the Romper Room lady."
"Romper Room? What was I? Like four?"
"Something like that. I didn't have the heart to tell you that they wouldn't pick your letter. Your name is too weird. Anyway, back to Meat Loaf ..."
"...yes, back to Meat Loaf . Okay, I'm ready..."
"Dear Mister Aday... oh, should I say Dear Mister Meat Loaf ? Or just Dear Meat Loaf ? Maybe that would be too informal..."
"Mom, I don't think you have to worry about being formal in a fan letter to Meat Loaf ."
"I just don't want to be disrespectful. Never mind, I'll figure out how I want to start off later. We'll leave it Dear Mister Meat Loft for now."
"You just called him Meat Loft."
"I did not. So, Dear Mister Meat Loft, the ladies of the Lakeside Retirement Home Movie Club have become recent fans of yours. We were introduced to you by your appearance in channel 19's movie Citizen Jane. We were able to see the movie because we got the cable box thing that lets you see channel 18 and 19. If we hadn't had that box, we couldn't have seen you. So thank you for the box."
"Mom, Meat Loaf didn't have a thing to do with you guys having the cable converter box."
"You don't know that... so to continue... read that back to me."
"Dear Mister Meat Loft, blah blah blah, thanks for the cable box."
"Yes. My friends and I were intrigued by the movie Citizen Jane because we thought that it was going to involve a meat loaf a day recipe. That turns out to be you."
"You really thought that there was going to be a meat loaf a day recipe involved in a drama movie?"
"Yes. I actually thought that was clever. I figured the Campbell's Soup people must be sponsers."
"So you thought the action might be centered around people cooking meat loaves?"
"You make it sound like that would have been impossible. I think that it could have been interesting. Actually put that in the letter. Maybe Mister Meat Loft would like to tell his agent about that idea."
"Why do you keep calling him Meat Loft?"
"I do not. So where were we?"
"You just told him about the meat loaf a day."
"Oh yes. ::ahem:: So we figured out watching the commercials for the movie that they were talking about you, and not meat loaves. I had assumed you were a black man..."
"Mom, you can't say that!"
"What? I did, I had got him mixed up with Catman Brothers."
"You know, that lovely man that with that raspy voice."
" 'Catman'?... oh! I think you mean Scat Man Crothers. How could you get him and Meat Loaf mixed up?"
"Well, they both have weird names and act. Catman was in that movie where Jack Nicklaus goes all crazy."
"Oh. Yes, you mean where he smashes a nine iron through the door and says 'Here's Johnny.' Okay, so moving on with the letter, I still don't think you should say that you thought he was a black man. That's racist."
"Why is that racist? I assumed that with a name like Meat Loaf , that he must be black. Like Fried Chicken Carter."
"Who is Fried Chicken Carter?"
"He's this black man that was very talented. And you'd know that, but I guess younger people are afraid to talk about him for fear of being called racist."
"........my head is beginning to hurt........"
"It's that cell phone. Not healthy for your head. So, on to letter - It took us awhile to figure out which actor was you. When we did, we all decided that you were rather handsome to spite being called a meat loaf. We do think you got cheated in the movie roll. You did not have enough scenes. You should tell someone about that. Make sure that you are getting your fair share. They'll take advantage of you in show business...."
"And you know this how?"
"I watch TMZ. I know things! Anyway - One of my friends, Louise, told us that she believed that you were a singer also. I asked my daughter to bring us some of your music. She fired us a tape..."
"I burned you a cd."
"He's in the music business, he'll understand. We quite enjoyed your music. Tansy cried during one of your songs, the one about two out of three things and not being sad. Thelma enjoyed the baseball song. I thought that was a little racy, but still very enjoyable. We were all happy to hear that you were going to appear in an episode of one of our favorite shows, Monk. We all thought that you did an excellent job on that show. You should be proud."
"I haven't seen that one yet."
"It was good. Monk is called in on a case..."
"Don't tell me! I have it on the DVR!"
"Okay, okay. Let's finish this... My daughter tells me that you are going to appear on an episode of Ghost Hunters. I don't usually watch that show because I figure I'll know soon enough if ghosts are real, but I'm going to make an exception and watch this episode because of you. More shows should realize that by having you on, they could increase their audience..."
"...of the key demographic of sixty five to death..."
"Did you say something?"
"No, no... go on."
"In closing, we just want to let you know that we appreciate your good work and think that you are very attractive to spite your strange and rather unappetizing name. Sincerely, The Ladies of the Lakeside Retirement Home Movie Club."
"Okay, that's good."
"You make sure you put that up on your diary page where he'll see it."
"I will. I'm sure Meat Loft reads my blog."
"He'll find it. Bob says that people oogle their names all the time to find if stuff has been written to them."
"Oogle, I think that you mean Google, and that's treading closely on Poodle-Oodle-Noodle territory, so I'm done here."