Doctor Stevens: "Deven I'm going to write two orders for your mother. She needs her regular blood work check done, so here's the information you need to present when you take her to that clinic. I'm going to send her for an x-ray of her left knee to check if there's been any significant deterioration since last year. And since she's going to be there anyway, I'm going to put in an order for them to x-ray her right shoulder."
Me: "What?!"
Mom: ::gesturing wildly behind doctor's back:: "You know, my right shoulder. The one that's been bothering me."
Doctor Stevens: "I'm just a little concerned since she can't remember injuring it in any way."
Me: "What?!"
Mom: ::rolling eyes and sticking out tongue behind doctor's back:: "Remember I've been telling you about it for weeks now."
Me: "Mother..."
Mom: "Yes, you know, we'll go get it x-rayed at that clinic where no one knows us. Just write that up Doctor Stevens and we'll go right over there."
Me: "Mother..."
Doctor Stevens: "Is there a problem Deven?"
Mom: ::flailing behind doctor's back, tipping over walker::
Me: "Not if you're fine with insurance fraud."
Mom: "Ugh! Don't pay any attention to her Doctor. She doesn't think straight when she hasn't had her roots done in awhile."
Me: "It's my right shoulder that's been giving me mysterious trouble. I'm having to wait for all of our insurance stuff to catch up in Cobra before I can go get it checked out."
Doctor Stevens: "Is this true Betty?"
Mom: "Okay, fine. Yes, it's her arm. Blame a mother for caring."
Doctor Stevens: "You need to check with your doctor about that."
Me: "I'm aware of that but I don't want to get in a tangle of reimbursement doctors visits and x-ray costs. I can wait a couple more weeks."
Mom: "She thinks it's something to do with her Milk of Magnesia."
Me: "That's fibromyalgia. And yes, that could have something to do with it."
Mom: "...or Corporal Tunnel Disease."
Me: "That's carpal tunnel. Mom, I know you know the names of these disorders, why do you insist on saying them wrong?"
Mom: "I read somewhere that to say their name gives them power."
Me: "That's demons, Mom. I'm blaming Meat Loft for your new paranormal interests."
Mom: "Those things are close enough to demons to count."
Doctor Stevens: "I agree with your mother about that."
Me: "Et tu Doctor."
Doctor Stevens: "I found that it's easier to agree with your mother about things."
Mom: "That's because you're smart. Now write up that order."
Doctor Stevens: "Now Betty, I can't do that. It would be insurance fraud. I am going to write up for you to get the x-ray of your knee."
Mom: "Deven can just throw her arm in the the picture when they do that."
Doctor Stevens: "I don't think that's going to work Betty."
Mom: "Just why can't they do that? There's room on the x-ray if she lays her arm next to my leg."
Doctor Stevens: "......"
Me: "Let the doc off the hook Mom. He can't do it."
Mom: "Okay, but I'm not happy."
Doctor Stevens: "I'm sorry Betty. Tell you what, to make up for it, let me give you some pens the pharmaceutical rep' left. I know you like those."
Mom: "Ohhhhh... thank you!"
Me: "You just gave her a fist full of Levitra pens!"
Doctor Stevens: "That should be a hit at the movie club."
Me: "You know about the movie club?"
Doctor Stevens: "Your mother believes in full disclosure."
Me: "You poor man."
Me: "What?!"
Mom: ::gesturing wildly behind doctor's back:: "You know, my right shoulder. The one that's been bothering me."
Doctor Stevens: "I'm just a little concerned since she can't remember injuring it in any way."
Me: "What?!"
Mom: ::rolling eyes and sticking out tongue behind doctor's back:: "Remember I've been telling you about it for weeks now."
Me: "Mother..."
Mom: "Yes, you know, we'll go get it x-rayed at that clinic where no one knows us. Just write that up Doctor Stevens and we'll go right over there."
Me: "Mother..."
Doctor Stevens: "Is there a problem Deven?"
Mom: ::flailing behind doctor's back, tipping over walker::
Me: "Not if you're fine with insurance fraud."
Mom: "Ugh! Don't pay any attention to her Doctor. She doesn't think straight when she hasn't had her roots done in awhile."
Me: "It's my right shoulder that's been giving me mysterious trouble. I'm having to wait for all of our insurance stuff to catch up in Cobra before I can go get it checked out."
Doctor Stevens: "Is this true Betty?"
Mom: "Okay, fine. Yes, it's her arm. Blame a mother for caring."
Doctor Stevens: "You need to check with your doctor about that."
Me: "I'm aware of that but I don't want to get in a tangle of reimbursement doctors visits and x-ray costs. I can wait a couple more weeks."
Mom: "She thinks it's something to do with her Milk of Magnesia."
Me: "That's fibromyalgia. And yes, that could have something to do with it."
Mom: "...or Corporal Tunnel Disease."
Me: "That's carpal tunnel. Mom, I know you know the names of these disorders, why do you insist on saying them wrong?"
Mom: "I read somewhere that to say their name gives them power."
Me: "That's demons, Mom. I'm blaming Meat Loft for your new paranormal interests."
Mom: "Those things are close enough to demons to count."
Doctor Stevens: "I agree with your mother about that."
Me: "Et tu Doctor."
Doctor Stevens: "I found that it's easier to agree with your mother about things."
Mom: "That's because you're smart. Now write up that order."
Doctor Stevens: "Now Betty, I can't do that. It would be insurance fraud. I am going to write up for you to get the x-ray of your knee."
Mom: "Deven can just throw her arm in the the picture when they do that."
Doctor Stevens: "I don't think that's going to work Betty."
Mom: "Just why can't they do that? There's room on the x-ray if she lays her arm next to my leg."
Doctor Stevens: "......"
Me: "Let the doc off the hook Mom. He can't do it."
Mom: "Okay, but I'm not happy."
Doctor Stevens: "I'm sorry Betty. Tell you what, to make up for it, let me give you some pens the pharmaceutical rep' left. I know you like those."
Mom: "Ohhhhh... thank you!"
Me: "You just gave her a fist full of Levitra pens!"
Doctor Stevens: "That should be a hit at the movie club."
Me: "You know about the movie club?"
Doctor Stevens: "Your mother believes in full disclosure."
Me: "You poor man."
So, that's why I haven't been around much. My stupid arm hurts all the time. I figured it was best to lay low for awhile. Otherwise all the comments I'd leave on your lovely posts would be "Yeah, yeah, whatever. My arm is killing me." Thanks for your patience.
Not how I injured my arm
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And hah! I love that your mother tried to do that for you. I mean, what does it matter? It's only a little insurance fraud.
I'm wondering if it might be bursitis? When i was a kid, my mother had it chronically in her shoulder and it's apparently insanely painful. I think they've got better treatment for it now -- maybe just some NSAIDS or something like that??
apologies for this unsolicited medical thoughtage. If it helps, just pretend I wrote about having "burst tightass" instead.
Hope you feel better soon--I love your posts!
:-)
Actually any hints about what this might be is helpful. It's a weird stupid pain. Not actually in my shoulder, but near the top of my arm. Then I think that because of the pain, I start holding my arm and neck stiffly and it cascades into some kind of full on pain party on my right side. Then I get grumpy and drink blueberry wine.
most of all, hope your COBRA catches up soon.
Oh, yeah, and there's always Patrón. Reposado.
Hope yours somehow leaves you miraculously too Deven.
Gotta love how your Mom thinks :^)
i am sorry you are in pain, deven. but i do have just the remedy.
"I read somewhere that to say their name gives them power." I think your mom is right about that. So I won't say anything at all about the s-thing h-thinging. But I hope it feels better soon.
...
I just can't help myself - I love playing detective doctor. Ok, so does it hurt at just the point where your arm and your shoulder meet? Sort of like if you push there it's more than an ache? You might have separated your shoulder. It takes several weeks to go away, aches vaguely (meaning you can't tell where exactly it hurts). I usually take 800 mg of ibuprofen with a shot of whatever (the shot works immediately, while the ibuprofen takes 20-30 min). 800 mg of ibuprofen is = Rx Motrin.
Rated. :D
I think your mom had a good idea, but with joints most of the time xrays are worthless, it's straight to the MRI. In the meantime, one of my favorite columns is called The People Pharmacy, lots of interesting stuff in there. Recently they talked about the amazing results many people with joint problems are having with Pectin. You can buy in all over and it's not expensive, look it up on their webs site for dosage. Maybe it'll help. I'd send you a cake to help you feel better but I'm afraid of what might happen to it...
Missed you.
Hope you get some answers soon :)
The thing that initially sent me to the doc was horrific pain in my hand. It seems the "compensation" fucked up use of my left hand. HALF of my typing team was sidelined!
I applied Jimador tequila, liberally, and still continue with prophylatic doses, cuz you never know.
Rated, cookie, for having you back.
But insurance fraud can really ruin a person's day.
Good luck with figuring it out.
Feel better and come back.
PS. your mom is so adorably dotty.
When you have many-many photos I get very cranky.
Cranky because someone looks like a cute poodle.
But my computer downloads slow as a turtle.
You Mother seems present in the world.
That's adorable. Adorably. Love her.
`
If my mommy was here I rub her shoulder. I'd put mayonnaise in her daughters pockets. I'd doodle on her associates arm, shoulders, legs, thighs, rosy facial cheeks, neck, ears, forehead, and manicure her toes.
I'd poke the doctors on the noggin with a bristled end broomstick. On some ducks who quack at the ship docks? I'd use a wet ship mop.
The local obstetricians in the rural boondocks are taking new job courses. After foreclosures, Treasury Secretary bailouts to super mega-banks CEOs:`J.P. Morgan, City Bank, chase pit-poodle-thug bulldog Bankers ... Ya know? O, Gitner?
Hicks around the countryside are calling troll-free. huh?
1-800-vocational-training for happiness! Taxidermy jobs!
People are getting fed up and love real people, O Mommy!
`
apology.
The Treasury Secretary was n my mind. I'll never shake a sleazey thief hand again.
He sneeze on paw.
Geitner has a dirty paw.
He loves crooked banks.
Treasury secretaries shake hands with red ketchup on their paws. For Halloween the cabinet members should be vampires. Barack Obama's cabinet members seem to thinks its still April's Fools Day.
Poor Michelle (Abigail) Obama. Maybe your sweet Mother can go back to medical school and become a honest lawyer? Bless You too.
Maybe join the SPA and swim? Become a Gold Medal Olympic winner? Oops! Don't do what I did. Old Timers disorder? I woke up and said:`No No No Not. No dare turn a computer contraption on!
I disco in bed?
No. I disobeyed.
I burn breakfast!
Hulled barley, amaranth, and poppy seeds are burnt to a crisp. No type on blogs and cook cereal. I was gonna say:`Free pens are one thing that make patients happy! I have a Creamy Farmstead Cheese pen with a keychain hook on it! I love it! It's a 3- inch pen. Cheese! I hope this day is rainy. It is. It's gonna be another wild rainy day in Washington DC!
I wish I was in Washington state?
I know we people are invited for tea?
If I ever come to your state of Hospitality?
I used to have a Uncle Tom who lived here.
Bainbridge Island. (spiel right?) He was FBI.
I loved Uncle Tom. He always filled with tears.
All I was intending to think:`Love Ya Mommies.
Seriously, your mom is divine as are you. My left shoulder pains me on occasion, but it isn't anything that stops me from doing what I need to do. I usually just have to press it while rotating my arm around, and it will make some lovely noises like a garbage disposal and then feel fine until next time.
Since we're talking about YOUR shoulder and not mine, please make sure you get thee to a shaman as soon as you are able to. If necessary, I will send Freaky's cousin Vinnie Troll to go talk to the COBRA people.
I still think bursitis is likely. Google it and see the self-help remedies (basically NSAIDS, rest and icing per above). If those don't work, a cortisone shot in the area may, but I'd do that as a last resort.
hoo boy.