Mom: ::gesturing wildly behind doctor's back:: "You know, my right shoulder. The one that's been bothering me."
Doctor Stevens: "I'm just a little concerned since she can't remember injuring it in any way."
Mom: ::rolling eyes and sticking out tongue behind doctor's back:: "Remember I've been telling you about it for weeks now."
Mom: "Yes, you know, we'll go get it x-rayed at that clinic where no one knows us. Just write that up Doctor Stevens and we'll go right over there."
Doctor Stevens: "Is there a problem Deven?"
Mom: ::flailing behind doctor's back, tipping over walker::
Me: "Not if you're fine with insurance fraud."
Mom: "Ugh! Don't pay any attention to her Doctor. She doesn't think straight when she hasn't had her roots done in awhile."
Me: "It's my right shoulder that's been giving me mysterious trouble. I'm having to wait for all of our insurance stuff to catch up in Cobra before I can go get it checked out."
Doctor Stevens: "Is this true Betty?"
Mom: "Okay, fine. Yes, it's her arm. Blame a mother for caring."
Doctor Stevens: "You need to check with your doctor about that."
Me: "I'm aware of that but I don't want to get in a tangle of reimbursement doctors visits and x-ray costs. I can wait a couple more weeks."
Mom: "She thinks it's something to do with her Milk of Magnesia."
Me: "That's fibromyalgia. And yes, that could have something to do with it."
Mom: "...or Corporal Tunnel Disease."
Me: "That's carpal tunnel. Mom, I know you know the names of these disorders, why do you insist on saying them wrong?"
Mom: "I read somewhere that to say their name gives them power."
Me: "That's demons, Mom. I'm blaming Meat Loft for your new paranormal interests."
Mom: "Those things are close enough to demons to count."
Doctor Stevens: "I agree with your mother about that."
Me: "Et tu Doctor."
Doctor Stevens: "I found that it's easier to agree with your mother about things."
Mom: "That's because you're smart. Now write up that order."
Doctor Stevens: "Now Betty, I can't do that. It would be insurance fraud. I am going to write up for you to get the x-ray of your knee."
Mom: "Deven can just throw her arm in the the picture when they do that."
Doctor Stevens: "I don't think that's going to work Betty."
Mom: "Just why can't they do that? There's room on the x-ray if she lays her arm next to my leg."
Doctor Stevens: "......"
Me: "Let the doc off the hook Mom. He can't do it."
Mom: "Okay, but I'm not happy."
Doctor Stevens: "I'm sorry Betty. Tell you what, to make up for it, let me give you some pens the pharmaceutical rep' left. I know you like those."
Mom: "Ohhhhh... thank you!"
Me: "You just gave her a fist full of Levitra pens!"
Doctor Stevens: "That should be a hit at the movie club."
Me: "You know about the movie club?"
Doctor Stevens: "Your mother believes in full disclosure."
Me: "You poor man."