"Do you want to get out Mom? I'm just picking up a prescription."
"No, no. I'll just sit here and people watch."
looks so innocent, doesn't she?
***"Oh Lord, you're pouting."
::sniff::
"You have no reason to be pouting at me."
::ahem::
"Ah, the silent treatment. You know that's not going to work. Besides it only took me a year of marriage to figure out that the silent treatment isn't a punishment. Now talking until their ears bleed, that's a punishment."
::cough::
"You're gonna blow. I give you twenty more seconds. In the meantime enjoy my rendition of King of the Road. ::snap snap:: Trailers for sale or rent. Blah, blah something about fifty cents..."
"I don't need a lecture from my forty six year old daughter..."
"Wow. You didn't even last twenty seconds."
"...I'll talk to who I want, when I want!"
"Mom one sentence is hardly a lecture. I was just suggesting that you might be a little more discerning about who you're talking to when I'm not around."
"Ho, ho, like you're my security guard."
"What would you have done if one of those boys strong armed you into giving him your purse?"
"Well what would you have done?"
"I could have slapped him with my upper arm fat."
"::hrumph:: The evil eye you were giving them embarrassed me. Chunk and Blunt were respectful young boys."
" 'Chunk and Blunt'? That's lovely. I'm sorry I dissed your cred in front of your new homies."
"I don't know what that means but since you said it in that smarty pants tone, you must be making fun of me."
"::sigh:: Look, I'm sorry. I'm just worried about your safety. I just want you to think a moment before you get so friendly with strangers. I mean it would give me pause if two fifteen year old boys were trying to chat with me."
"Chunk and Blunt didn't start talking to me. I started talking to them."
"What?!"
"They were sitting on the bench and I shouted at them asking if they could really ride their surfboards or if they just carried them to look cool."
"What?! And that's skateboard."
"I really didn't think that Chunk would be able to ride around on his surfboard unless Blunt pushed him..."
"What?! And that's skateboard."
"Turns out that Chunk does better tricks than Blunt. He could do a rail-slide and a Casper."
"...."
"::blink::"
"Sometimes I don't know who you are."
"I'm hungry. How far are we from Applebees?"
"About twenty minutes."
"Oh. I might have some candy then. You want part of a Twizzler?"
"Where did you get a Twizzler?"
"Blunt gave it to me."
"Hand it to me. Hand it to me!"
"::gasp:: You threw it out the window!"
"You're old enough to know not to take candy from strangers."
"I'm mad at you again!"
"You know what would teach me? Another dose of the silent treatment."
"Too late for that. Just to show you, I'm not taking my rain hat off at lunch. See how you like to be the embarrassed one."
"You're threatening me with clothing? Mom that train left the station when I turned twenty."
"You're not foolin' me. See how you like to be the woman eating with the crazy lady in the rain hat."
"The only difference from last week will be that you're wearing a hat. Now don't be silly...."
"Whatever. ::snap snap:: Trailers for sale or rent. Towels are fifty cents..."
"I don't think that line is towels."
"::snap snap:: No perms, no luncheonettes, ain't got no cigarettes..."
"Oh God..."
Mom showing me what for
***[me opening Mom's car door]
"I'm still mad at you."
"Mom, I'm aware."
"You still picking me up for church on Sunday?"
"Yes. I'll be wearing a tube top."
"I'll wear a bikini."
"I'll go topless."
"Ha! We'll just see who can get thrown out of church first Missy!"
"It's on Old Woman. I'll walk you to the door."
"I'm perfectly capable of shredding this curb with my walker unassisted."
"Fine. See you Sunday."
"I'll be here with pasties on."
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Hildy Johnson
kipouros
Redstocking Grandma
the one about
kmcbain
Will Someone Feed The Cat?
Salon.com
Comments
As in..the original meaning of the word. I am filled with awe.
HA!!!
looking forward to those Sunday pictures.
(how's the arm?)
Did you ask if she invited Chunk and Blunt to movie night?
"You're old enough to know not to take candy from strangers." Uh, no, she's not. But keep telling yourself that.
What?
;)
and..."" 'Chunk and Blunt'? That's lovely. I'm sorry I dissed your cred in front of your new homies.""
AND throwing away her twizzler
AND AND the one upmanship on the churchwear!
your Mom is such a character! Love it!
i loved this piece, but i am sure chunk and blunt were happy someone was addressing them as simple human beings, rather than thugs.
all those kids named chunk and blunt really dont need any more than a little love, a little humanity.
well, most of them, anyway.
loved this piece anyway, even tho you are surprisingly intolerant of those from different, skating, cultures.
Throwing out her twizzler? Really? Were you that scared of stereotypes or just have a flair of over-dramatics? Looks like mom's still got a few lessons to teach!
It's despicable. You're judgmental, intolerant, ignorant, and so many other things yet I'm flabbergasted. I'm reading these comments too, and it sickens me how everyone laughs and smiles and only a couple exceptions see what's really in this blog. I feel so bad for your mother that she's resorted to keeping her rain hat on in an attempt to teach you something you obviously failed to grasp as a child.
Anyway - I think I get the "tequilla & donuts" moniker now.
......shredding this curb. I love it.
I love Mom. But you know that already. I'm knitting some pasties in her honor.
Rated!
Your mom is a hoot and your account of this conversation hilarious.
Just thought you oughta know.
Chunk and Blunt sounds like a vomiting mishap.
And as far as me exploiting my mother - I'm not even going to get into that, so you can just suck it.
My arm hurts. pffffffffffffffffftttttt
The lyrics are irrevocably altered....
I Love Your Mum, too.
You actually listened to me? Wow, someone actually listened to me! I may do a little dance... but truly, if it's brought about an improvement, then I'm happy.
As far as Comcast is concerned, I'm a bit embarrassed that I took the bait. I went and checked their blog and it seems that they working in billing as a CSR. I'll cut anyone with that kind of job tremendous slack. So, sorry for the "suck it." You'll just have to take my word for it that I'm not exploiting my mom. In fact I read Mom this post and she agrees that it's an accurate description of that occurred. She thinks I over reacted, and I guess so do you. And please realize that the banter between my mom and I is about 75% teasing on both of our parts.
And if there are photos of someone either topless of in a bikini is church, please share them.
Not too much gets me to laugh out loud, but this one did!
Heehee!!!!
After dinner, I was the first to taste the resultant strange, runny concoction.
My comment went something like "Gagh! Gagh! Gagh!"
My mother's was "Oh please. You haven't had a gag reflex since 1977, the year you told us you were gay."
Old ladies rock. Does being a guy mean I don't get to be one?
Well, I can tell you, she wouldn't be kicked out of my church, she would have been applauded.
A life-long Jehovah's Witness (give me RAIN BONNETS please) if I leave her alone in a room with my friends, she busts out the "Watchtower" like she's sharing a line of coke, "Hurry, we don't want Ginny to see this."
Love you, LOVE your mom. And really damned glad that mine is still kicking.
And oh yeah, nice handling of comcast. I'm told that I have "impulse control'"problems, and my reaction to comcast would have been something lovely like, "suck my dick." (But I would have had to say it real fast so that my mom wouldn't see it. She would have slipped them an "Awake.")
Great writing cookie. Love love love good dialog! (rated---like you need another one?)
Hilarious post and argument.
Rated because I so enjoy your mom.
HAHAHA!
"I'm perfectly capable of shredding this curb with my walker unassisted."
BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
heee!
*sniff*
whew. Thanks! It's been a long week and I needed that laugh.
So hilarious. I don't always comment on these, but I hope you know that I am a HUGE fan of the both of ya!
and hell yes throw out that candy- no offense to the nice druggies out there (I was one once, I know it's possible) but yeah, dosing Grandma does sound like something a stoned mind would think was funny
Glad your arm pain has been dampened my the meds. Pain sucks.
I left Mom in the car while I went in the drugstore.
As I was walking by I noticed two skater boys reeking of pot, licking Bugles off their fingers while laughing like hyenas. Frankly, it made me smile, and I thought to myself "gee those kids are baked."
When I exited the store, I saw that the two boys were attempting to jump over the metal bench. They both failed and went tumbling into some blackberry thorns.
I asked if they were okay, they said yes that they were just showing Betty some tricks. I smiled at them, got into the car, turned and glared at my mother.
My "lecture" consisted of "Mom you might want to be more careful who you dare to do what. Those kids are toasted and could have really got hurt."
She's the one that turned it around that I was glaring at the kids.... and AND most importantly SHE WAS TEASING ME.
And yes, I brought up the purse snatching because she seems blissfully unaware that she often dangles her tiny, tiny purse in the most tempting way. Hell sometimes I want to snatch it out of her hands.
As far as "The Twizzler Incident" - SHE WAS TEASING ME AGAIN. There was no way she was going to eat that thing. This is the woman that Purells her flatware at Old Country Buffet. She was just waving it in front of me to see what I'd do. There was a hair stuck to it. I did throw it out the window - but about a mile away from where the kids were, it's not like I threw it in their faces. And really, it wouldn't have matter what demographic gave my mother a single piece of Twizzler, I still would have thrown it out of the window. For those of you that think that it would have been a terrific idea for Mom to chomp down on this thing in this swine 'flu world of ours, well good luck with that.
As far as the rain hat - again SHE WAS TEASING ME. Folks, SHE POSED FOR THE PICTURE! She left it on in the restaurant for about three minutes. We were both giggling by the time the waiter came for our order.
Most importantly, everyone needs to know that my mom isn't a doddering, unaware precious piece of fluff. This woman has a spine of steel and a wicked, wicked sense of humor. She is 100% aware of what she's doing, she just likes to push the envelope. She always has - and yeah, that sort of scares me from time to time.
Thank God I didn't inherit that quality from her ::cough::
I don't "hate on" skater boys. I don't "hate on" dopers. I worked in the equivalent of an alternative high school for about ten years. I'm aware that people tend to jump to conclusions about kids on the fringes, but for God's sake we are allowed to base our opinions on people given certain unequivocal evidence.
And for the impression that I'm living in some kind of upper middle class bubble, well I'd go into to that, but I'm late for my polo match.
And, I am sorry you felt you needed to explain yourself. You don't. This is the second time I've read your blog and it all reads as funny. One person was being a sour puss, not fully getting the humor. There will always detractors - you have 83 ratings! You go girl! My $.02.
Plus, I am so happy because you live in Washington! Again, another Washingtonian! Skippy dance! Thanks for so much fun and talent from both you and your mother...
Rated
What is it with these people that don't get that you and your mom could be in cahoots about the ridiculousness of everyday life, each other, ageing, being a daughter, being a mother, twizzlers, stoner skater dudes....sheesh...do you gotta spell everything out? Your mom's obviously sharp as a tack and much funnier than I can ever hope to be ...and most importantly, not just 'in on the joke' but clearly a mastermind of it.
All you people who see TandD's Mom as nothing more than your stereotype of a little old lady....shame on you!
Laughed 'til I had tears rolling down my knees.
Chris - that made me super snort.
This is priceless. Not just this line, but the whole thing. The final argument is too much. I am flying to Seatle just to meet you both at the door of the church.
You should have seen some of the mails I got about the dog post. Someone in ALF accused Mom of glamorizing animal sex. I told Mom if there was an upsurge in bestiality that she was responsible. She was outraged - then asked me what bestiality was.
Oh, and yes on the glasses. I threaten Ben with wearing a tank top all the time. He's still young enough that it keeps him in line.
hahaha. laughing.