Me:  "Why did you pick Die Hard?  It would have never occurred to me that y'all wanted to watch something like that."

Mom:  "We got bored with all these thinking movies.  We decided that we just wanted to watch stuff blow up.  Louise's great nephew suggest this movie.  Said that the leading man was handsome.  I think he use to be married to Ashton Kutcher's wife."

Me:  "How do you know Ashton Kutcher?"

Mom:  "From TMZ.  I don't know why you refuse to believe I watch that show."

Me:  "It's just hard for me to figure out why you know who Ashton Kutcher is but not Bruce Willis."

Mom:  "Is he related to Mel Tillis?  I like Mel Tillis."

Me:  "Why would he be related to Mel Tillis?"

Mom:  "Well their names kind of sound the same.  Maybe he's his uncle."

Me:  "I don't think that Mel Tillis is Bruce Willis' uncle."

Mom:  "You don't know that for sure."

Me:  "I'm going to go out on a limb here and say yes, I do know that for sure."

Mom:  "You don't."

Me:  "I do."

Mom:  "Let's just agree to disagree.  We're going to be late."

Me:  "I do know."

Mom:  "Let it go.  You don't know."

Me:  "I do."

Mom:  "Let's go.  You don't."

Me:  "Do."

Mom:  "Don't."

[closes door]
**********

Thelma:  "Sit way over there Betty's daughter.  And don't breathe."

Me:  "I'm not contagious anymore."

Thelma:  "We're not taking chances.  What color is your snot?"

Me:  "I'm not... ah.. snotty anymore."

Thelma:  "Could have fooled me.   Just go over there and sit still.  Don't move around a lot.  That just stirs up your sick flakes."

Me:  "Sick flakes?"

Thelma:  "Yes, we don't need you snowing your sick flakes all over.  Good to see you're back to talking normal."

Me:  "Well I dunno none 'bout talkin' normal, Miss Thelma..."

Thelma:  "Stop that!"

Mom, Me:  "heheheheheheeeheheheheeee."

Bob:  "Now ladies, don't be upsetting Thelma with your accent.  Though I do find it charming."

Thelma:  "Charming... HA!  It's like I fell into the Hee Haw hay patch."

Me:  "Saaaaaaaaaaaaa-lute!"

Thelma:  "Stop that!"

Mom, Me:  "heheheheheheheheheeee."

Me:  "I'll stop.  I was just teasing."

Thelma:  "Teasing just stirs up those sick flakes.  Sit still and no accent talking."

Me:  "Yes ma'am."

Louise:  "You ready to start the movie Bob?"

Bob:  "Indeed I am.  I've been looking forward to this."

Tansy:  "Is there a love story involved?  Or just blowing things up?"

Me:  "It's been so many years since I've seen this movie, I don't remember."

Tansy:  "I do hope there's a love story and explosions."

********

Tansy:  "He is handsome!  And look, he has a big teddy bear."

Louise:  "I bet they wouldn't let you on a plane with a big teddy bear anymore."

Thelma:  "I almost got kicked out of the airport because they were going to take away my crochet hooks.  How could I high jack a plane with crochet hooks?  'Fly this plane to Cuba or I'm going to run up a noose for you.'?"

Mom:  "Bob fast forward through this talking music part."

Me:  "Mom that's rap."

Mom:  "I know it's crap, that's why Bob should fast forward through it."

Louise:  "You know they say that you can't drink while pregnant anymore."

Thelma:  "Lord, I would have never made it to delivery.  I had two glasses of wine every night and it didn't hurt any of my kids, and it kept my husband alive by me not killing him."

Louise:  "Two glasses seems a bit much Thelma."

Thelma:  "Well what do you want me to do about it now?  Call my kids over and see if I can suck the wine out of their DNA?"

Mom:  "What's he sniffing?"

Me:  "That's cocaine."

Thelma:  "Never had any."

Louise:  "Me either."

Bob:  "Not me."

Mom:  "Don't look at me, I only drink margaritas.  And even then only once a year."

Tansy:  "Oh. Yes I took cocaine once."

Mom, Me, Bob, Thelma, Louise:  "What?"

Tansy:  "Only once.  One of the girls said it helped you lose weight.  I just had a pinch from her snuff box.  Then I went home and plucked all my eyebrows off.  Never used it again.  I figured it would be easier just to eat less to lose weight than it was to draw on your eyebrows every morning."

Mom, Me, Bob, Thelma, Louise:  ".........."

Louise:  "Here comes a big truck.  That looks like trouble."

Mom:  "They're going to take over the office party!"

Louise:  "Oh!  Boobies for Bob!"

Bob:  "...and we need to pause for a moment for me to tinkle."

Louise, Tansy, Mom:  "awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww...!!!"

Bob:  "I'll hurry ladies."

Mom:  "Run, run!  And no more boobies for you!"

Bob:  "Now Betty..."

Me:  "Whatever you're about to say Mr. Bob, I'm begging you not to say it."

Mom:  "Just hurry."

**********

Louise:  "Is that computer guy Urklel?"

Me:  "No, I don't think that's Urkel."

Mom:  "Don't pay any attention to her Louise, she thinks she knows all about celebrities."

Me:  "Mel Tillis isn't Bruce Willis' uncle, Mom."

Tansy:  "I didn't know that Mel Tillis had a nephew in the movies!"

Me:  "He doesn't."

Bob:  "Now that you mention it, I can see the family resemblance.  I wonder if he had to learn how not to stutter too."

Me:  "Bruce Willis is not related to Mel Tillis."

Bob:  "So he's related by marriage then."

Me:  "No..."

Thelma:  "Just calm down Betty's daughter, you're spewing germs everywhere."

Me:  "He's not..."

Mom:  "Let it go Deven.  Are the bad guys Nazis?  Or are they just blond?"

Tansy:  "That rolling down the stairs was exciting!  Look, gas was seventy four cents then.  I remember when we thought that was outrageous."

Mom:  "AH HA!  I told you that was Urkel!  See?  That man was Urkel's dad on that show.  I bet this is where they met."

Me:  "Mom, on the show that man wasn't his dad, he was suppose to be his neighbor.  And no, the computer guy isn't Urkel."

Mom:  "You don't know that."

Me:  "I do know that."

Mom:  "You don't."

Louise:  "I think that's Urkel."

Me:  "He's not."

Mom:  "You're just in a contrary mood today."

Thelma:  "I don't care what she says, as long as she quits flapping her arms around."

Me:  "He's not."

Mom:  "Let it go Deven."

Thelma:  "Quit breathing so much.  Here comes all the cops.  Looks like last Wednesday here."

Me:  "What happened last Wednesday?"

Thelma:  "We had three ambulances that day.  One for Mr. Crayton.  He got tangled up in his oxygen tank again.  I don't know why they keep giving him the one on wheels.  He forgets and walks off the elevator and leaves the tank on board.  Almost pulls his head off every time."

Louise:  "The other one was for Martha.  Who knows what's wrong with her.  She looked a mess leaving though.  She should have made them stick her wig on her head."

Mom:  "The other ambulance was for that woman on three.  The lady with the mean daughter that sniffs at us all the time.  I don't wish her any ill, but I wouldn't mind not seeing that bulldogged faced daughter of hers again."

Me:  "I wonder how other people in the building talk about us."

Mom:  "Dorthy calls you 'that beach ball woman'."

Me:  "What?"

Mom:  "Summer you wore some kind of stripey shirt.  She said you looked like a beach ball."

Me:  "That's horrifying."

Mom:  "Why?  She said it was a pretty beach ball."

Me:  "....."

Thelma:  "Who cares what other people say.  They're wrong all the time.  You don't look like a beach ball."

Me:  "Thank you Miss Thelma."

Thelma:  "In that brown sweater, you look more like a Yule Log."

Me:  "Well this conversation is doing wonders for my self esteem."

Mom:  "I keep telling you self esteem is something that PBS made up.  Don't worry about it."

Tansy:  "Look!  They have rockets!"

Bob:  "Sorry ladies, I need to twinkle."

Tansy:  "But they just brought up rockets!"

Bob:  "I'll hurry."

Tansy:  "Rockets, Bob!"

Bob:  "I'm running!"

Me:  "I wonder if you guys would like Rambo."

Mom:  "Is it exciting like this?"

Me:  "You know, I don't even really remember.  I think some of it takes place in a jungle."

Louise:  "I'm don't really care for jungle movies.  There's always some kind of statue the girl gets tied to."

Bob:  "Back!  Hitting play now Tansy."

Tansy:  "They blew up that car!  Rewind that Bob."

Bob:  "You got it Tans."

Tansy:  "BOOOOOM!  Did you see that!?"

Louise, Thelma, Me, Mom:  "........"

Tansy:  "BOOOOM!"

Mom:  "Okay Tansy, you're scaring us a little."

Tansy:  "I love rockets!  Let's find some more rocket movies."

Louise:  "It's probably wrong of me to be glad the cocaine man got killed."

Mom:  "I know.  I think as old women we're suppose to be upset about all the violence.  I find it exciting."

Louise:  "I think the difference is that this is cartoony violence.  We know it's not real."

Mom:  "Well we know it's not real, but what about other people?"

Louise:  "What do you mean?"

Mom:  "What about someone like Mrs. Henderson's idiot son?  He wouldn't know that the violence was fake."

Louise:  "That's true.  He thought that the Star Wars was a NASA program building a Death Star.  He told me all about it.  For hours."

Mom:  "I've never seen Star Wars."

Thelma:  "Me either."

Me:  "Would you like me to add it..."

Thelma, Louise, Mom, Tansy, Bob:  "NO!"

Me:  "Okay then."

Mom:  "How old is Mrs. Henderson's son, do you think?"

Louise:  "Must be in his forties at least."

Mom:  "Maybe they could make movies like this and put a PG-40 rating on them so you'd know not to show it to stupid people."

Thelma:  "How about just a PG-No Stupid People rating?"

Me:  "I imagine that might cut into the audience quite a bit."

Thelma:  "True, the world is swimming in stupid people."

Mom:  "This bad guy is really a good bad guy.  Deven see if you can find some more movies he's a bad guy in."

Me:  "You know if you guys like this movie, there's all kinds of Die Hard sequels."

Louise:  "That's what my nephew said.  We could Die Hard bunches of times."

Thelma:  "The ambulance people would like that."

Tansy:  "I bet he's just letting the bad guy think that he fooled him."

Louise:  "You're right!"

Mom:  "Why is it we just watched a bunch of people getting shot, but it's painful to watch him pulling glass out of his feet?"

Thelma:  "Because we've never been shot but we've pulled glass out of our feet."

Tansy:  "This is more exciting than the Poseidon Adventure!  And they're out of the building."

Louise:  "Well that was a good mov...."

Tansy:  "HE'S NOT DEAD!"

Louise:  "Dear Lord Tansy, you scared the pants off me!"

Tansy:  "SHOOT HIM!  SHOOT HIM!"

Thelma:  "You don't pipe down and I'm going to shoot you."

Tansy:  "Yay!  He's dead!"

Mom:  "I think this kind of movie might be a little over stimulating for Miss Tansy."

Tansy:  "Nonsense!  I just got involved, that's all.  Let's get another one of these Die Hards."

Me:  "Okay, I can put some on the list.  Would you like me to add Poseidon Adventure?

Mom:  "No, I don't think any of us need to see Shelley Winters swimming on this big screen."

Louise:  "I think Mel Tillis was in Poseidon Adventure."

Me:  "Mel Tillis was not in Poseidon Adventure.... I don't think... was he?"

Mom:  "AH HA!  So you admit that you don't know if Mel Tillis isn't that boy's uncle!"

Me:  "I did no such thing.  He's not his uncle.  I just can't remember if Mel Tillis was in Poseidon Adventure...."

Mom:  "And that was too Urkel."

Me:  "No, it wasn't."

Mom:  "It was."

Me:  "Wasn't."

Mom:  "Let it go Deven.  Was."

Me:  "Was. Not."

Thelma:  "I'm out of here before she flakes up the place."