Me: "Good Lord, look at the line at the pharmacy!"
Mom: "Who would have thought that people would still be Hinny* crazy? I wonder if people are gifting each other 'flu shots for Christmas?"
Me: "It's silly for both of us to stand here. It's just the usual pills, right? I'll wait in line."
Mom: "They won't give you my prescription. How do they know you're not picking them up to sell on a street corner?"
Me: "Yeah Mom, I can see that now: 'Hey kid wanna make your thyroid active?' They'll give them to me."
Mom: "No they won't."
Me: "If you're worried about it, go grab a Dr. Pepper and sit at that bench by the door. It's close enough I could just call you over if I have a problem."
Mom: "They won't give them to you."
Me: "They will."
Grace: "This must be your &#!%ing daughter. How the &#!% are you? I'm Grace. I'm just waiting here for my &#!%ing son to get back. Betty was chatting with him earlier. I had to talk to her to find out if she was trying to MILF him. I had to explain MILF to her."
Grace: "Well here's the son of a &#!%$/ now. This is my &#!%ing pride and joy, A.K. His real name ain't A.K. I named him Arnold after Eddy Arnold and his middle name is Charles after his &#!%ing son of a &#!%$% father. But when Arnold got out of juvvie the first time he announced that he was A.K. now. Stupid &#!%er didn't even realize that should be A.C."
A.K.: "I &#!%ing knew that Grace, but A.C. sounds like I'm an air conditioner. Besides it don't stand for my name."
Grace: "Show some &#!%ing respect and call me mother."
A.K.: "I'll call you what I &#!%ing want to."
Grace: "Well a mother wouldn't call the P.O. about parole violations. Grace just might."
A.K.: "&#!%. Mother."
Grace: "That's better, A.C." ::snort::
A.K. "My name is A.K. It don't stand for &#!%ing Arnold Charles."
Grace: "That's what you say. Why don't you lift your shirt and show Betty what it stands for?"
A.K. "I'm ain't gonna keep showing your friends my tattoos. I'm not a &#!%ing walking museum."
Grace: "You &#!%ing will if you want me to buy you that suitcase of beer. You should see these things Betty. It's like a mother &#!%ing billboard of stupid."
A.K.: "&#!% you Grace. Here, I hope your skanky ass is happy."
Grace: "Ahahahahahhaaa ::cough cough cough cough:: The sight of you shirtless always cracks me up!"
A.K.: "Just hurry up Grace. I ain't gonna stand here all day holding up my &#!%ing shirt."
Grace: "There, that one in the middle of his chest. A &#!%ing machine gun inside a bleeding heart. Looks like a tribute to heart burn. Says it's an AK-47. He come back from prison with that thing. All my boys came back from prison the first time with dumb ass tattoos. Like they have to mark their graduation from jail to prison with &#!%ing ink."
A.K.: "Bobby's is worse."
Grace: ::howling:: "Ain't that the truth!"
A.K.: "My brother came back with a tat of Hitler's face, 'cept the guy that done it was no good. It looks like a bulldog with a mustache."
A.K., Grace: "::HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHHAAAA ::cough cough cough:: HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH ::cough cough cough cough:: ::spit:: cough cough cough::"
A.K.: "Grace, we can't spend all &#!%ing day here."
Grace: "Yeah, you're right. Betty it's been nice talking to you. Next time I'll tell you about A.K.'s other tattoos. He's got them all over. Even in places I use to diaper."
Grace: "Oh shuddup. If you hadn't &#!%ing blacked out naked in my recliner, I wouldn't have seen 'em. Betty, I guess he can't show you in person, but I got lots of pictures."
Grace: "See you next week Betty!"
[closing car door]
Me: "Well, there's that then."
Mom: "Are you thinking the same thing I'm thinking?"
Me: "That Grace was horribly mis-named and she probably would have bought your thyroid meds from me?"
Mom: "No, that we can never come to Fred Meyer again."
Me: "Yeah, we can. But maybe only on Tuesdays or Thursdays. And next time wear a different wig. And sunglasses. And walk with a limp. And I'll call you Martha."
Mom: "Maybe you should wear a wig too."
Me: "How did you come about talking with these people?"
Mom: "I asked A.K. if the 14/88 he had stenciled on his neck stood for a Bible verse. It doesn't."
Me: "...oh good grief Mom..."
Mom: "Want to know what a MILF is?"
Me: "I'm traumatized enough for today. Maybe you can tell me tomorrow."
Mom: "It's got nothing to do with milk."
Me: "Tell me tomorrow Mom."
*Mom calls H1N1 "Hinny" because she thinks it sounds friendlier.