"Hello, this is your mother. Is someone dead or hurt?"
"No! Why would you ask that?"
"You never call me on Sunday afternoons. I figured you must have finally caught the house on fire with a candle."
"Not yet. Though I'm thinking of catching the dirty laundry on fire."
"If you do that, put it outside first."
"If I put it outside, I'll just let the crows and raccoons pick over it without the fire."
"I'm watching an old Family Feud. Name something in New Delhi."
"I.T. call centers."
"What? That makes less sense than the number one answer."
"What was it?"
"Pickles? Are you sure the question wasn't 'Name something in a deli?'"
"Oh. Maybe. The number two answer was corned beef. Okay, I'm going to go before they do the bonus round. I have to concentrate for that."
"Wait! Don't you want to know what I called for?"
"Okay, tell me."
"I knew you'd crack. The diary people want to know what your favorite posts were this year."
"I liked the Target one."
"Mom, not our posts. Other people's posts."
"Oh. I only know the ones you've showed me."
"Yes, out of those."
"I really liked that post you showed me last time. I didn't have to squint to see it."
"I don't think the large font was the point of the post Mom, but I liked it too. That was TheBarkingLot4's Christmas Thank You Note."
"I liked what the diary said too, not just the big letters. I hate writing those Christmas thank you notes. What you really want to say is 'Gee thanks for the ugly sweater.'"
"I got you a sweater for Christmas."
"Any others you remember?"
"I enjoyed that horse that likes gravy."
"Oh, that's Sheldon. I have a big crush on him. I loved his gravy post too."
"Do you think they'll give him his own show, like Mr. Ed?"
"We can hope Mom."
"There was that one you read me about the dog getting an audit. I loved the pictures in that one."
"Okay, that's going to take me a minute to figure out..." [AH HA! It took me awhile, but I realized she was talking about Lisa Kern's Changing a Dog-hater's Mind.]
"I liked that woman that liked to rock the babies. I feel the same way. I think we should come up with some kind of heated, baby scented pillow people could rock with. We'd make a fortune." [Hawley Roddick]
"Yeah, that's not creepy at all. We just need one more for five. Can you think of one?"
"There was that story you told me about the doctor guy. You laughed and laughed. But I'm still not sure he was teasing."
"Are you talking about Steve Blevins? Mom, that post was a joke."
"If it was, it was funny. It if wasn't, it would be embarrassing for him if you say you thought it was funny."
"It was a joke Mom. I'm putting it in the list." [The Secret to a Successful Marriage]
"Okay, but if he gets hurt feelings, you tell him it wasn't my idea. Now, I'm going to go. I've already missed the first person up for the bonus round. Name a place where you find gays."
"That's a final round question. I think San Francisco. But the guy got 43 points by saying barn."
"Mom, are you sure that's not 'Name a place you find hay?'"
"Oh. Maybe. Though I bet the gays put on a nice square dance."
Picture from screen capture of All Star Family Feud: Battle of the Perfect 10s. Richard Simmons is in the ladies group. I'll let you think about that a spell.