[The Unofficial Lakeside Retirement Home Movie Club was formed to serve the needs of serious senior citizen film buffs. Since none showed up, Mom and her friends took over, seizing control of both my blog and Netflix queue.  This is one in their growing list of...ah...reviews.]

Louise:  "See Betty, I knew I saw your daughter in here."

Me:  "Mom I told you that I was going to get the dvd set up."

Mom:  "Oh.  I thought you said you were going to get the D.T.s and throw up, then you just disappeared."

Me:  "Why in the world would you think I said that?"

Mom:  "You're going through the menopause.  Who knows what you'll say?"

Louise:  "She's right dear.  I know when I was flashing hot, I said all matter of kooky things."

Tansy:  "You're all in here already.  Why are you so early?"

Louise:  "Deven's a little hung over.  I think she needs some extra time to set up the dvd."

Me:  "I'm not hung over!  I just wanted to get the movie set to the right subtitles before y'all got here.  I know seeing the arrow move around the screen makes you nervous."

Tansy:  "Don't worry Deven, you don't have to cover up.  I'm a little hung over myself."

Thelma:  "What the hell are you all doing in here already?  It's not suppose to start for another fifteen minutes."

Tansy:  "Deven's drunk and we're trying to help her."

Me:  "I'm not drunk!"

Thelma:  "I don't care if you're drunk.  Maybe the alcohol will sterilize the germs you're spewing."

Me:  "Ugh!  I'm not...oh nevermind.  The dvd is ready to go whenever you are."

Thelma:  "She's not a happy drunk is she?"

***

Louise:  "I saw this movie with my great-grand babies.  It's the cutest thing.  It's all about these kids setting up a pet hotel.  The doggies are darling."

Me:  "Ah..."

Tansy:  "I do like doggie movies.  I just loved that Benji."

Me:  "Ah..."

Betty:  "I've been looking forward to this one.  We haven't reviewed a pet movie yet."

Me:  "Ah..."

Thelma:  "Betty's daughter, if you're going to vomit, go outside."

Me:  "No, it's not that.  Guys this movie isn't about a dog."

Louise:  "Of course it is, Dog Millionaire.  About the pet hotel.  There's this darling little white dog in it."

Me:  "Miss Louise, I think you're thinking of Hotel for Dogs.  This movie is Slumdog Millionaire."

Louise:  "Oh.  Well it still sounds good.  Is it about a junk yard dog that wins the lottery?"

Me:  "Noooo.  It's about a man from the slums in India."

Mom:  "WHAT?  That sounds depressing!"

Tansy:  "I'm so disappointed.  I was hoping for the doggie movie."

Me:  "It's really a good movie.  I think you'll like it.  It's mostly in English."

Thelma:  "Hell no.  We're not reading a bunch of subtitles."

Me:  "It's not that many.  The movie is about ninety percent in English.  And I've turned on all the captions so y'all will be able to follow along better."

Louise:  "I don't know dear..."

Thelma:  "I know.  I'm out of here."

Mom:  "I think I am too.  After that Crying Thing I don't want to have to figure out another foreign film."

Tansy:  "I say we just call if off for this week and try again next week."

Me:  "Wait!  It has Who Wants To Be A Millionaire in it!"

Mom:  "Ohhhh, well I might stay then."

Thelma:  "Me too.  I love that Regis."

Louise:  "Okay, if Thelma stays, then I stay."

Tansy:  "Regis is handsome.  Okay, I'll stay too."

Me:  "Ah..."

Thelma:  "Are you going to vomit?"

Me:  "Maybe..."

***

Louise:  "That's not Regis!  He looks like a swarthy Conway Twitty!"


Thelma:  "They should add slapping to the American game.  It would make it more exciting.  'Is that your final answer?' Slap, slap."

Mom:  "If they did that Thelma, they'd have to downright beat people up during Deal or No Deal."

Thelma:  "That'd be fine with me."

Tansy:  "Is this like the $64,000 scandal?"

Mom:  "Do you think they tortured that Jeopardy guy afterward?"

Thelma:  "I saw in the TV Guide that they gave him his own comedy special."

Me:  "What?"

Thelma:  "It was right there in the TV Guide, Richard Jeni had a comedy special.  All that money and he blew it on that."

Me:  "The Jeopard guy was somebody Jennings."

Mom:  "Deven, people change their names for show business all the time."

Louise:  "Oh dear, look at the outhouse.  My great uncle had something like that.  It dangled over a cliff.  Could never understand how you could unclench enough to do the business."

Thelma:  "What the hell is going on?  Why is everyone suddenly fighting?"

Tansy:  "Why is that little boy blue?  Is that a symbol?  That is blue like the multiple choice answers on the show."

Mom:  "Oh I worked it out.  These people are on different sides of God."

Louise:  "He's a nasty Regis."

Thelma:  "I like him.  They should get him to do the American show.  He'd be good on American Idol too."

Louise:  "Uh oh.  An orphanage.  Usually that would be a good thing, but it can't be here because then it wouldn't be a movie."

Tansy:  " 'Chillies on his willy.' Heheheheee.  I could have used that once or twice."

Mom:  "Tansy, really?  When?"

Mom:  "Don't answer that Miss Tansy."

Tansy:  "I'll tell you later Betty.  Might come in handy for Bob."

Me:  "Oh my God..."

Thelma:  "Well this is horrible.  I'm as good as a business woman as you'll find, but I would never maim a kid for profit.  I mean, why couldn't he just teach them how to pretend to be blind?"

Tansy:  "Oh the Taj Mahal.  ::sigh:: I wish someone had built me a love building."

Mom:  "Chowpatty sounds like a place in Texas."

Louise:  "It's always the girl that gets you in trouble, isn't it?  Oh my, I thought that gun was going to be fake!"

Thelma:  "See Betty's daughter?  That's why I'm always telling you that you have to be careful with things on the computer.  Anyone can find out anything about you.  I hear now that they can even look in your windows.  Change my name when you write about me from now on."

Me:  "What would you like me to call you?"

Thelma:  "I was always partial to Amaryllis."

Mom:  "Armadillo?  Why would you want to be called Armadillo?"

Me:  "I think Armadillo suits nicely."

Thelma:  "Amaryllis!  And you know that!"

Me:  "I don't think I can spell that."

Thelma:  "Oh never mind.  By the time that someone could work out where to find me, I'll be dead."

Tansy:  "OH NO!  They're going to get caught in the kitchen!  Run! Run!"

Louise:  "Calm down Tansy."

Tansy:  "Maybe he's not Evil Regis after all."

Thelma:  "He'll turn out to be Evil Regis.  Has to with that hair and earrings."

Mom:  "::gasp:: You're right.  Bad Regis!  Bad!"

Louise:  "Last question.  Shoot, I use to know this one."

Thelma:  "I always hated The Three Musketeers."

Mom:  "The only good thing to come out of that book was Puss In Boots and the candy."

Me:  "I don't think that Puss In Boots is from The Three Musketeers."

Mom:  "Of course it is.  Haven't you seen Shrek?"

Me:  "....., I'm going to just let that go.  Yes, I do enjoy the candy."

Tansy:  "GET THE PHONE!  GET THE PHONE!"

Thelma:  "Tansy that medication readjustment they did hasn't done you any favors."

Tansy:  "HE GOT THE ANSWER RIGHT!"

Thelma:  "We're going to have to start tranquilizing her during the last part of the movies."

Tansy:  "AND HE'S DEAD!  YAY!"

Thelma:  "I'm okay with her being excited about that part."

Tansy:  "Oh this is so romantic!"

Mom:  "I bet he gets squashed crossing the tracks."

Louise:  "If he does, we're going to have to call an ambulance for Tansy."

Tansy:  "OH NO!  He can't get squashed!"

Thelma:  "Damn, he didn't get squashed."

***

Louise:  "Well that was pretty good."

Mom:  "I liked it too.  I enjoyed the Evil Regis.  Though, I don't know, the ending was a little happy slappy for me."

Louise:  "Now Betty, sometimes we can have a nice ending.  For the movie where he gets hit by a train at the end, you'd have to have Mr. Dorito make it."

Mom:  "I know.  The ending will grow on me when I've had a chance to think about it."

Louise:  "Deven dear, it's been a couple of hours.  Are you sober enough to drive home safely?"

Me:  "I wasn't ever... oh never mind.  Yes, I believe so."

 

[For an index of Mom Day posts, including additional Movie Night posts, click HERE.]