[The Unofficial Lakeside Retirement Home Movie Club was formed to serve the needs of serious senior citizen film buffs. Since none showed up, Mom and her friends took over, seizing control of both my blog and Netflix queue.  This is one in their growing list of...ah...reviews.]

Me:  "Why are you having Movie Night at night?"

Mom:  "We're sick of Louise's grandson making fun of us for having Movie Night in the afternoon."

Me:  "I've been making fun of y'all for having Movie Night in the afternoon for almost a year and none of you said anything to me."

Mom:  "We've learned how to ignore you."

Thelma:  "That's not exactly true.  We listen to you.  We just don't care."

Me:  "Well thanks a lot."

Louise:  "Don't take it personally Deven.  We all listen to each other and don't care all the time.  My grandson is harder to ignore because he has huge feet and whines.  We're just changing the time this once to show him we can."

Thelma:  "Betty's daughter's feet look plenty big to me.  Tansy what in the devil do you have on?"

Tansy:  "This is my house coat.  It's after six.  I don't wear clothes after six."

Mom:  "I think that's against the rules to wander around in a robe."

Tansy:  "Let them arrest me."

Thelma:  "She's already half way to a strip search."

Bob:  "Hello ladies.  What did I miss?"

Thelma:  "Tansy got naked."

Bob:  "That will teach me to get here late.  I loaded the CD earlier.  I just have to turn on the TV and we're ready."

****

Mom:  "When you're in the hospital and the doc says 'Let her have as much as she wants,' you're as good as dead."

Louise:  "Unless it's that weird warm Jello.  Then I think they're just trying to get rid of it."

Me:  ::sniff sniff::

Thelma:  "Good Lord.  Is Betty's daughter crying?"

Me:  "No."

Mom:  "She is.  Probably just her time of month."

Thelma:  "She's too old to have a time of month.  Her calender fell off the wall a long time ago."

Me:  "I'm fine.  I'm fine.  Let's just watch the movie."

Tansy:  "That baby looks just like Mr. Ferguson!  It even has the same crochet blanket!"

Bob:  "That baby has more things wrong with it than I do."

Mom:  "I've met three or four miracles no one wants to see."

Thelma:  "::snort:: There are a few 'miracles' living in this building."

Louise:  "You know we'd take that baby in.  It would be good for us.  I should make a few calls and see if we can get a baby."

Mom:  "I could check with my in-laws.  There's always a great-grand kid dropping a result of an unfortunate adventure."

Bob:  "The pet deposit is a hundred and fifty here.  I'd hate to think of what they'd charge us to cover an unfortunate adventure baby."

Mom:  "I'm so glad we don't have an opera singer in the house."

Louise:  "It's bad enough we have that barber shop quartet."

Bob:  "Hey!"

Louise:  "Sorry Bob.  But really you need to find three other people to sing with you if you're going to call yourself a quartet."

Mom:  "I think he looks handsome in his straw hat and suspenders."

Bob:  "Thank you Betty."

Tansy:  "I wouldn't mind a naked flag runner."

Mom:  "Tansy, you could do that.  Just unsnap."

***

Mom:  "I use to think they were called tent revivals because in the Texas heat you'd fall over and have to be revived."

Tansy:  "HE'S WALKING!"

Thelma:  "...oh here she goes..."

Tansy:  "HE FELL!"

Thelma:  "...I'm going to start bringing a spray bottle to spritz at her..."

Tansy:  "HE'S DEAD!"

Mom:  "We need a Pygmy around here to tell us stories."

Louise:  "I'll make some calls and see if we can find one."

Mom:  "I'm a little bored.  Bob can you fast forward a bit?"

Bob:  :: - - ::

Mom:  "Bob?"

Bob:  :: - - ::

Mom:  "Is he dead?"

Thelma:  "Bob!"

Bob:  "...wha...What?"

Mom:  "You were asleep."

Bob:  "I can assure you I was not.  I've got to pee.  Be right back."

Mom:  "::snort:: Men.  Nick use to swear he wasn't asleep at church.  He would get downright mad if I poked him in the ribs.  Once I decided not to.  He snored and then fell over on the pew.  Then he claimed he fainted from the powerful preaching.  Bet he had to answer about that one at the Pearly Gate."

Louise:  "We've been watching this movie forever.  How long is this thing Deven?"

Me:  "Let me see... oh no. No no no no no no.  It's almost three hours long!"

Thelma:  "What!?"

Mom:  "I'm not going to last that long."

Thelma:  "Well I'm going to my apartment to take off my knee highs.  Feel free to start the movie without me."

Louise:  "I'm going to go take my teeth out."

Mom:  "I want to get out of my wig."

Tansy:  :: - - ::

Louise:  "Tansy's asleep."

Me:  "Oh my God.  She's come unsnapped."

Mom:  "Don't over react Deven.  I'll just cover her up with this pillow."

Me:  "I'd rather you cover my face with that pillow."

***

Bob:  "Where are the ladies Deven?  And why is Tansy under that couch cushion?"

Me:  "The ladies went to take off a variety of items.  Tansy is asleep and unsnapped under the pillow.  I beg you not to move it."

Mom:  "I'm back!"

Me:  "::gasp:: What is that?"

Bob:  "That fuzzy turban is fetching Betty."

Louise:  ::waves::

Mom:  "Louise won't talk without her teeth in."

Louise:  ::nods::

Thelma:  "Well I'm back, why aren't you watching the movie?"

Mom:  "We all went to take things off."

Thelma:  "Why do you have a dead stuffed animal on your head?"

Mom:  "It's a turban!  I got it free from Old Pueblo Traders."

Thelma:  "There's a reason it was free Betty."

Me:  "It's like a head Snuggie."

Mom:  "Oh what do you two know about fashion?"

Thelma:  "Why is the couch eating Tansy?"

Me:  "She's unsnapped."

Thelma:  "That woman was unsnapped before she ever moved in here."

Me:  "No, I mean her house coat is unsnapped.  She's asleep."

Thelma:  "I'm going to put another cushion on her then."

****

Mom:  "You know your Uncle Dickie had a tattoo of King Neptune's Court on his chest.  When he got cancer, it shrunk and looked like a sea monkey kingdom."

Thelma:  "Imagine meeting your daddy at a brothel.  Shame Tansy is asleep.  I bet she has a brothel story."

Mom:  "Bob get ready to pee.  There might be boobies coming up."

Bob:  :: - - ::

Mom:  "Bob?"

Me:  "He's asleep Mom."

Mom:  "Oh leave him be.  We'll wake him if something exciting happens."

Thelma:  " 'Never go to bed sober.'  My husband should have had that on his tombstone."

Mom:  "I had a cousin that use to eat the flies out of honey.  Said that they were crunchy."

Me:  "Oh eww Mom."

Thelma:  "Maybe they're going to get caught.  That might be exciting."

Me:  "They didn't get caught."

****

Me:  "Oh, a war ship.  There might be explosions coming up.  Mom, should we wake Miss Tansy?"

Mom:  :: - - ::

Me:  "Mom?"

Mom:  :: - - ::

Me:  "Miss Thelma?"

Thelma:  :: - - ::

Me:  "Miss Louise?"

Louise:  :: - - ::

Me:  "Bob?"

Bob:  :: - - ::

Me:  "You've got to be kidding me."

****

Me:  "Well I'm talking to myself here.  Daisy is a loon.  The only one is this movie I like so far is Grimm."

Everyone else:  :: - - ::

Me:  "If that guy is struck by lightening an eighth time I'm leaving."

Everyone else:  :: - - ::

Me:  "Why is every exit shot in this movie of someone walking down the middle of a road?  If it was a Tarentino movie, they'd be hit by a truck."

Everyone else:  :: - - ::

Me:  "Why am I still watching this?  Okay, I know why.  I want to see him get little.  What a dumb reason to keep watching."

Everyone else:  :: - - ::  ::snore::

Me:  "Should I wake them up so they can see him get little?"

Everyone else:  :: - - ::  ::drool::

Me:  "Okay.  Movie is over.  Now what do I do?"

Everyone else:  :: - - :: ::fart::

Me:  "I'm so going to slap Louise's grandson."



[For an index of Mom Day posts, including additional Movie Night posts, click HERE.]