[The Unofficial Lakeside Retirement Home Movie Club was formed to serve the needs of serious senior citizen film buffs. Since none showed up, Mom and her friends took over, seizing control of both my blog and Netflix queue.  This is one in their growing list of...ah...reviews.]

Mom:  ::hurumph::

Me:  "Why you pouting Mom?"

Mom:  ::sigh::

Louise:  "It's my fault Deven."

Mom:  "I'm fine."  ::sigh::

Me:  "I grew up with that 'I'm fine.'  You're not fine."

Mom:  "I am too."

Me:  "Miss Louise, what happened."

Louise:  "I picked the movie this week.  Betty was in charge of directing the flyer.  She got a bit confused."

Mom:  "I was not confused.  You were confused when you told me."

Louise:  "I didn't realize there was a mix up until I saw the flyer in the elevator yesterday."

Mom:  "Now I look like a fool."

Louise:  "Now Betty, you do not.   It was a mistake anyone could have made."

Mom:  "You should have realized something was wrong when I told you that was Deven's favorite story when she was a child."

Louise:  "I might have if Deven wasn't such an unusual girl.  I could see how Dirty Harry might have been her favorite story as a kid."

Me:  "Are you talking about Harry the Dirty Dog?  I did love that book."

Mom:  "Hmmmm.  So if you really think about it, it's Deven's fault.  Deven you shouldn't be so weird."

Me:  "Nature or nurture, I don't see how you're going to completely escape culpability on this one."

Mom:  "pffffttt.... nature, nurture, another made up PBS thing.  Thank you Louise, I feel better."

****

Tansy:  "Wow.  Shooting right off the bat.  This is going to be good."

Louise:  "Look how young he looks, not at all like he looks on the salad dressing."

Me:  "I think you're thinking of Paul Newman."

Tansy:  "I think about Paul Newman all the time."

Thelma:  "He's dead."

Tansy:  "Well I'm not."

Mom:  "Our mayor probably has a hundred thousand dollars in a bottom desk drawer."

Louise:  "If he didn't, he could just call Bill Gates.  He's very paleontological too."

Me:  "I think you mean philanthropic and again, it's Paul Newman with the salad dressing, not Clint Eastwood."

Louise:  "Don't be silly.  Clint Eastwood didn't invent computers."

Me:  "....."

Tansy:  "I don't want him to pay.  I want a bloodbath!"

Mom:  "At my last retirement home we had a man that wandered around looking like he was in an excited state.  Turns out he was just stealing fruit from the dining room."

Louise:  "Is that Huggy Bear?  I bet this is where he got his start."

Tansy:  "When do we meet the dog?"

Mom:  "There's no dog.  It's Deven's fault."

Tansy:  "Woohoo!  Shooting!  Wow, he's just firing bullets into the crowd.  They don't let them do that on Law and Order.

Mom:  "That's because the CSI Miami people would get them."

Thelma:  "Say you're feeling lucky!  Say you're feeling lucky!  Oh.  He's not feeling lucky.  Damn it."

****

Tansy:  "He's getting a new partner.  I bet this is where the dog comes in."

Mom:  "There's no dog Tansy."

Tansy:  "The Chief just said his new partner is Chico Gonzales.  It's going to be a police chihuahua!"

Mom:  "For Pete's sake Tansy, Chico is that Spanish man in the room with them."

Me:  "I want to see a movie about a police chihuahua.  They could call it Bloody Ankles."

Mom:  "Dirty Harry is a bit like you Thelma, he hates everybody."

Thelma:  "I don't mind being called Dirty Thelma.  Sort of has a ring to it."

Tansy:  "That boy with the ice cream will never know it was his lucky day."

Mom:  "Boobies!"

Me:  "Bob's not here.  Does anyone else need to go to the bathroom?"

Thelma:  "They'd have to be better boobies than that to make me need to tinkle."

Me:  "I'm sorry I asked now."

Mom:  "Is that Bruce Wayne that's going to jump off the roof?"

Louise:  "No, everybody looked like Batman in the seventies."

****

Tansy:  "He keeps looking into windows.  Maybe he's a Peeping Tom."

Thelma:  "Don't ever answer the door naked.  I'm talking to you Tansy."

Tansy:  "Then don't ring my bell after nine."

Mom:  "This is exciting and all, but why wouldn't they just stand by the building exits and nab him then?"

Louise:  "The way I remember it, this movie made a lot more sense in the seventies."

Mom:  "Remember how many people were getting buried alive back then?  It was a fad."

Thelma:  "It's a fad around here that people just get buried."

Tansy:  "I'm going to see what I can hide in my sock."

Thelma:  "That's all we need Tansy, you wandering around in ripped up knee highs with steak knives poking out."

Mom:  "Rats, he didn't get mugged."

Tansy:  "Maybe this is the part where the dog saves him."

Louise:  "There is no dog Tansy."

Mom:  "I bet this is a set up."

Thelma:  "This is a lot like a Rockford Files I saw.  Except it's not as funny and doesn't make as much sense."

Tansy:  "Shoot him!  Stab him!  Sic the dog on him!"

Thelma:  "Calm down Tansy.  Sooner or later the guy will die."

Tansy:  "Well sooner or later we're all going to die.  I just want to see this guy die."

****

Mom:  ::gasp:: "He's free?  Oh, he's going to have to kill him now!"

Me:  "Boobies!"

Thelma:  "Nope, still don't have to pee.  Why is he paying that guy to beat him?  Is he a pervert?"

Louise:  "He's a pervert, but he's having that guy beat him up to make it look like the salad dressing guy is stalking him."

Me:  "That's not... oh never mind."

Tansy:  "Did you see that?  He just whacked that guy over the head with a bottle!  WHACK!"

Louise:  "Kids aren't that stupid.  They would know this guy was a weirdo. And now days the kids wouldn't be singing Old McDonald, they'd be singing some kind of horrible song about lady butts."

Mom:  "If they had CSI Miami back then, this would have all been over with in the first half hour."

Me:  "Okay, so let me get this straight: Harry is a rogue kind of cop.  Shoots into crowds, doesn't follow orders, antagonized the bad guy, messed up an arrest that resulted in the guy going free after he murdered several people, but the city of San Francisco is picking him to make the second money drop?"

Mom:  "San Francisco is kind of a crazy city Deven.  That's probably why they picked it to shoot the movie in.  That and this was the seventies.  They did stuff like this in the seventies."

Me:  "Why do you think that?"

Mom:  "There weren't computers and cable everywhere back then.  You could do stupid stuff and it wouldn't end up on TMZ."

Tansy:  "He jumped on top of the bus!  Shoot him!  Shoot him!"

Thelma:  "Now where is he going?  Is this a gold mine?"

Tansy:  "SHOOT HIM!  SHOOT HIM!"

Thelma:  "If we get lucky, maybe it will be a murder suicide."

Tansy:  "HE SHOT HIM!"

Mom:  "Five shots or six?  Didn't he shoot about twenty times already?"

Louise:  "Well he's finally dead."

Mom:  "Those kids are going to need therapy.  That would have made a better movie."

Tansy:  "Ohhhhhh... I bet that's where the dog comes in.  They'll have the kids do that doggie therapy."

Mom:  ::rolls eyes:: "Yes Tansy, that's where the dog comes in."

Tansy:  "Did the salad dressing guy donate the dogs?"








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