[whisper yelling] "Look at..."

"shhhhhhh..."

[whisper yelling louder] "Look at..."

[whisper] "shhhh Mom.  You're being really loud."

[whisper yelling] "I'm whispering."

[taking sermon note pad] Your whispering is louder than your talking.

That doesn't make any sense.

It might not make sense, but it's true.  What did you want to tell me?

Look at those two little boys on the left about three rows down.  They're so cute and well behaved.

Better behaved than you.

They're not cuter than me.

***

Do you see that girl across the auditorium with the purple hair?

Yes.  I saw her walking in.  I can't decide if I like it or not.

I wonder if God likes it.

You mean God might prefer everyone to come to worship in our natural hair?  You might want to think a bit on that before you write back.

Okay, smarty pants.  For the record I'm sure God can see my real hair underneath my wig.

***

I think that couple in front of us is kissing.

Where?

[raising hand][grabbing arm]

Don't point!  Tell me where.

End seats, five bald spots down and a few seats over.  They're still kissing.

Okay I see them.  That's flat out gross.

It is.  They should get a bed.

Huh?

Isn't that the saying?  "Get a bed."

The saying is "Get a room."

The room would need a bed in it.

***

There's no cross in this auditorium.

They project crosses on the big screen.

Every church should have a cross.

They project crosses on the big screen before the singing and sermon.

I'm going to write the pastor and tell him he needs to put a cross in here.

You're not reading a word I'm writing, are you?

Without a cross in here we could all just be at an Amway meeting.

Knock, knock.

That's the trouble with church these days.  They try to fool people into thinking they're not at church.

This is the part where you answer "Who's there?".

Like people aren't going to figure out they're in church once they hear the singers screaming about Jesus.

"Screaming Jesus" would be a good lead for a knock knock joke.

***

I can't hear a word he's saying.

Interrupting cow.

What?

Was Jesus screaming at interrupting cow?

You're just now reading what I wrote before?

I'm catching up.  Screaming Jesus who?

I don't know.

That's a terrible joke.  Don't tell it again.

I didn't tell it in the first place.

***

[crumple crumple crumple]

What the heck are you doing over there?

I'm doing origami.

No you're not.  You're just crumpling up the bulletin.  It's noisy.

Look, I made a swan.

That looks like a snake.

It's just the swan's neck.  I need some more paper to make the head and body.

Well I guess that's going to put an end to our conversation.

***

"That was a good sermon."

"Mom, neither of us could hear a word of it."

"Well the pastor walked up and down a lot, so it was probably good."

"We really didn't get a thing out of it."

"We got credit for being here."

"I don't think God tallies attendance."

"You don't know that for sure, so if he does, we get a check mark by today."

"If he does, you're going to have to do after church detention for showing those little boys your swan and making them cry."

"How was I suppose to know they were afraid of swans?"

"It wasn't that Mom.  It was when he touched it and the head fell off and you screamed 'YOU KILLED THE SWAN!'."

"Well better me scream at him than Jesus."