::knock knock::

Mom:  Come in, it's open.

Me:  Hi, how's it going?

Mom:  What's so great about Betty White?

Me:  Huh?

Mom:  What's so great about Betty White?  Why is everybody talking about her all the time?

Me:  Oh.  She hosted "Saturday Night Live" a few weeks ago.

Mom:  So?

Me:  Well, she's beloved.

Mom:  ::snort::

Me:  What?  People love her because she's a hip, funny old lady.

Mom:  I've got news for you, there are a lot of hip, funny old ladies around.

Me:  You're jealous.

Mom:  Don't be foolish.  Her nose is huge.

Me:  You're jealous.

Mom:  Am not.  She looks like a gnome in lipstick.

Me:  Jealous.

Mom:  Hush up and grab the Twinkies.  We're going to be late.

****

Thelma:  That's it?  That's our snack?  What's the point?

Me:  You don't like Twinkies?

Mom:  It was Deven's idea to have the Twinkies for this movie, don't blame me Thelma.  If I had to pick something special, it would have been a Moon Pie.

Thelma:  What the hell is a Moon Pie?

Mom:  It's a snack cake that's flat and tastes like banana with cream in the middle.

Me:  That's not a Moon Pie Mom.  That's a... ah... I forget, something like a Banana Flip.  We use to get them at the day old bread store.

Tansy:  We can't have banana splits in the activity room any more, not since Judith put the can of hot fudge in the microwave.

Louise:  I brought the Shasta soda.  Betty you were right, they had it at the discount grocery store.

Thelma:  Well Twinkies and Shasta.  Aren't we living high off the hog?

***
Louise:  Rated R for gore.  Tansy, try not to get too excited.

Tansy:  Are things going to blow up?  I love blowing up things.

Thelma:  Betty's daughter, do things blow up? 

Me:  I hate to admit it, but I don't remember if there's a big blow up scene or not.  There's lots of smashing things.

Tansy:  Smashing is good, not as good as blowing things up, but still good.

Louise:  Oh look.  He's eating him.

Mom:  He doesn't look like a Twinkie Deven.  Why did you think Twinkies would be a good snack?  Jelly roll maybe...

Thelma:  "The first ones to go are the fatties."  Well just eat me then.  I'm not going to do Yoga with Sue on Thursdays.  That woman is a nut case.  No one wants to see a seventy year old woman in a unitard.

Mom:  She's a hot granny mess.

Me:  Wha-what, what did you say?

Mom:  Sue's a mess.

Me:  No, what did you exactly say?

Mom:  She's a hot granny mess.  And she is.  After her class her wig looks like a wet cat on her head.

Me:  Where did you hear that expression?

Mom:  I don't know, TMZ.  Or maybe that sweet Niecy Nash.  I watch that show where she cleans up people's houses and then gives them a tv.  Oh wait, I think that poofy boy with the tacky house show said it once.  I like him.  He looks like that sad eye doggie painting of mine.  I missed it, what was the next rule?

Louise:  Be afraid of public bathrooms.   I'm already afraid of public bathrooms.

Thelma:  That's just good common sense.  Anyone that needs a zombie invasion to come up with that rule is a fool.

Mom:  OH! OH!  It's that guy!  That guy!  Is that ugly girl going to be in the movie too?  I can't wait!  I love that ugly girl.

Me:  Calm down Mom, Juliette Lewis isn't in this movie.

Mom: Drat.  We should watch that other movie.  I think the ladies would like it.

Me:  I'm not sure if I could deal with everyone watching "Natural Born Killers" Mom.

Mom:  Why?  That girl is just so ugly.  You can't look away from her.

Louise:  Put that on the list Deven.

Me:  I don't want to.

Thelma:  Do it!

Mom:  You know you can peel the marshmallow stuff off of the Sno Ball.  But then you're just left with a round Devil Dog.

Thelma:  That's why we have Twinkies?  Because this man is willing to risk being killed to eat one?  He can have mine.

Tansy:  It might be fun to be a zombie.  I wonder if you know you're a zombie, or if you just think you're having a bad day.

Louise:  Bill Murray, that name sounds familiar.

Thelma:  Oh I know him.  He's that man that was in that movie I couldn't stand.  My husband loved that movie.  Something about a golf course.

Me:  "Caddyshack."  My husband loves that movie too.  I'm not terribly found of it.  Though I liked the dancing gopher.

Thelma:  The gopher wins, doesn't he?

Me:  That's the way I remember the movie.

Tansy:  Nothing has blown up yet.  Are they going to blow up something soon?

Me:  Miss Tansy, I'm not sure.

Tansy:  ::sigh:: Well at least there's a lot of killing.

Mom:  I'm bored.  I don't like any of these people so much.

Tansy:  They're at the amusement park.  Nothing good happens at amusement parks in movies.  Maybe this is where the ferris wheel blows up.

Thelma:  Oh, Tansy's right.  All the zombies are coming.

Louise:  There's a lot of talking for zombie movie, isn't there?

Tansy:  They're stuck up there now.  Do you think they'll blow up the tower?

Me:  I don't think so.  They'll kill a lot of zombies though.

Tansy:  They're already dead.  That's not exciting.

Mom:  Oh the goofy boy got them down.  People don't seem to be overly worried about the zombies, do they?

Thelma:  That's it?  What was the point in this movie?

Me:  I liked it.

Thelma:  That's not a high recommendation.

Me:  No, I thought it was weirdly sweet.

Thelma:  ::snort:: So are Twinkies, and I didn't want them either.

Louise:  I know you meant well Deven, but I don't think we want any more movies that are based on snack cakes.

Mom:  Unless it's something with Devil Dogs.

Me:  I think there might be a movie named "Devil Dogs."

Tansy:  See if you can find a movie named "Pecan Pie."

Thelma:  So it's settled.  Next movie Betty's daughter is bringing pecan pie.

Me:  How did that happen?

Thelma:  Nut up or shut up.