Daniel has been a mobile DJ for close to thirty years. I've been tagging along with him for twenty of those years. Lately the bulk of his bookings are for his karaoke show. The following is (probably a completely distorted) transcript of a typical evening from one of our weekly bar events. Please to enjoy the stupidity that has become my life:
Drunk Boy who appears to be nine years old: "YOU SUCK!"
Me: "NOT FOR FREE. RULES ARE IF YOU ABUSE OUR EQUIPMENT, YOU CAN'T SING. YOU THREW OUR MIC ACROSS THE STAGE. YOU'RE EIGHTY SIXED."
Drunk Boy: "YOU'RE EIGHTY SIX, YOU OLD HAG."
Me: "I'M A FAT OLD WOMAN DANCING ON THE EDGE OF A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN SONNY! I'VE GOT NOTHING TO LOSE! DON'T PUSH ME."
Drunk Lady who appears to be ninety years old: "Do you have any Patsy Cline?"
Me: "Yes."
Drunk Girl whose skirt is falling off: "What do I do?"
Me: "About what?"
Drunk Boy: "YOU'RE A BITCH."
Me: "YES. YOU MIGHT WANT TO REMEMBER THAT."
Drunk Lady: "Do you have any Patsy Cline?"
Me: "Yes."
Drunk Girl: "What do I do?"
Me: "Are you asking about signing up for karaoke?"
Drunk Girl: "No. I want to sing."
Me: "So you want to do karaoke."
Drunk Girl: "No, I just want to sing."
Me: "So you want to do kara... nevermind. You want to sing."
Drunk Girl: "Yes. What do I do?"
Me: "Read that sign. It tells you just what to do."
Drunk Girl: ::moving her lips:: How to request a karaoke song...
Drunk Boy: "YOUR HUSBAND'S A DICK."
Me: "YES I'M NOT A LESBIAN."
Drunk Lady: "Do you have Crazy?"
Me: "Yes."
Drunk Lady: "You have Crazy by Pasty Cline?"
Me: "Yes."
Drunk Girl: ::moving her lips:: ...find your song in our karaoke book...
Drunk Boy: "YOUR HUSBAND FUCKING SUCKS."
Me: "NOT FOR FREE."
Drunk Lady: "I want to sing Crazy by Patsy Cline. Do you have that?"
Me: "Yes."
Drunk Girl: ::moving her lips: ...don't see your song? Ask your host. We have ten thousand plus songs...
Drunk Boy: ::picking up up karaoke song book::
Me: "YOU DAMAGE THAT BOOK AND I'LL PUNCH YOUR THROAT OUT."
Drunk Boy: "I'LL DO WHAT I FUCKING WANT TO BITCH UNTIL I GET TO SING!"
Me: "YOU CAN STAND THERE HAVING A TEMPER TANTRUM ALL NIGHT. THERE'S NO ONE HERE THAT'S GOING TO CHECK YOUR DIAPER TO SEE IF YOU'VE MADE A BOOM BOOM. SHUT UP AND GO SIT DOWN."
Drunk Lady: "I want to sign up to sing Crazy by Patsy Cline. You have that right?"
Me: "Yes, we do. Fill out a song slip."
Drunk Lady: "You'll sign me up then?"
Me: "Fill out a song slip."
Drunk Lady: "You'll fill out a slip for me? I want to sing Crazy by Patsy Cline."
Me: "No, please fill out a slip and hand it to me."
Drunk Girl: ::moving her lips:: ...fill out your request slip like this...
Drunk Lady: "Here you go."
Me: "This slip is blank."
Drunk Boy: "YOU WANT ME TO GO AWAY, DON'T YOU? YOU'D LIKE THAT WOULDN'T YOU?"
Me: "I WANT YOU TO DIE."
Drunk Boy: "WELL THAT'S REAL NICE, REAL NICE YOU CUNT. YOU WANT ME TO DIE. YOU'D FEEL REAL BAD IF I WALKED OUTSIDE AND GOT HIT BY A CAR."
Me: "NO. IT WOULD CONFIRM MY BELIEF IN KARMA AND THEN I'D MAKE A BIG LIST OF OTHER PEOPLE I WANT TO DIE."
Drunk Lady: "You have me signed up to sing Crazy right?"
Me: "No. Please fill out this slip... you know, never mind. I'll do it. What's your name?"
Drunk Girl: ::moving lips:: ...no song number needed...
Drunk Boy: "I'M NOT TELLING YOU MY FUCKING NAME YOU PSYCHO BITCH."
Me: "I WAS ASKING HER, NOT YOU. I'M JUST GOING TO CALL YOU STUPID SATAN BABY."
Drunk Lady: "It's Patsy Cline."
Me: "No, no. Your name. Your name."
Drunk Lady: "Crazy."
Drunk Girl: ::moving lips:: ...hand the request slip to your host...
Me: "Not the song title. Your name, please."
Drunk Lady: "The song is Crazy."
Drunk Boy: "WHAT DO I HAVE TO FUCKING DO TO GET TO SING TONIGHT?"
Me: "THE ONLY THING I CAN THINK OF IS MURDER SUICIDE. AT THIS POINT I DON'T CARE WHICH OF US DOES WHAT."
Drunk Lady: "So I'm all signed up to sing Patsy Cline?"
Me: "No! I need your name. Your name!"
Drunk Girl: ::moving lips:: ...listen for your name to be called...
Drunk Boy: "I'M NEVER FUCKING GOING TO COME BACK TO THIS FUCKING DUMP AGAIN."
Me: "WE'LL ALL MISS YOU. WHY DON'T YOU START NOT COMING BACK RIGHT NOW?"
Drunk Lady: "Oh, my name is Diane."
Me: "Thank God. Diane. Okay, you're signed up."
Drunk Lady: "What did you write on that slip?"
Me: "Diane to sing Crazy by Patsy Cline."
Drunk Lady: "Yes. Do you have that song?"
Me: "Yes! We. Have. That. Song."
Drunk Lady: "You don't have to be rude about it."
Drunk Boy: "SHE'S A FUCKING RUDE CUNT IS WHAT SHE IS."
Drunk Girl: "Okay I read the sign. What do I do?"
::WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA::
**btw: he quit the gig last night. The end of an era. He picked up a new gig in a new part of town. I fully expect that event to go something like this:
Muchacho Borracho: "USTED SUCK."
Me: "LE QUIERO a DIE."
Mujer Borracha: "¿Usted tiene Loco?"
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Tom King
Mature Student
Beth Mann
Linda Seccaspina
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Salon.com
Comments
HOME SWEET HOME TO ME
GOOD OLD ROCKY TOP
ROCKY TOP TENNESSEE
ROCKY TOP TENNESSEE
You got Rocky Top?
You cannot take mud and make of it a diamond; be satisfied with a brick.
I've thusly increased your thumbage by an increment of one. I hope that is satisfactory. :-D
By the way,.do you have any Patsy Cline??:)
Rated with hugs and a whole lot of "Crazy"
(It's "quiero a matarte con cucharas oxidadas y gerbils venenosos" by the way.)
Yes, I've seen all of that. No, I don't want to see it again.
My dad, the musician, says that Karaoke is Japanese for "tone deaf". I think I agree.
So, as Dolly Parton says in Steel Magnolias (is that a segue or what?) ... "Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion."
Lezlie
I got so stressed reading this, thanks.
Once, I offered to be his DD instead of the other way around. I don't know how his ears survived being sober. The alcohol isn't just liquid courage for those singing, it acts as miracle earplugs for those listening.
Now we know to always show up early to get a good buzz before the singing starts and leave early before the people who really suck drink enough that they decide they can sing. And we take a cab so neither of us has to suffer... we leave the suffering to those who listen to us sing MUAHAHAHA :)
Thanks for the laughter. And the faint whiff of tequila + Marlboros.
"Your city my mountain, stay with me stay.."
I've got another, "Rocky Mountain High.".. "in Colorado"
Anything by John Denver.
I laughed until I cried! And don't forget all the turds who want to do Rapper's Delight, or Vanilla Ice or stupid Baby Got Back...any of those "old skool" rap songs.
don't mind me, two cups of tea and I start feeling fine
Hey, here's a thought: You could combine karaoke with movie night at your mom's residence. Now *that* dialogue is something I'd like to read!
Hilarious! Rated
When I lived in the Austin area, frats kids could totally ruin a night out at my favorite Irish bar.
I just know we weren't that obnoxious out in bars in college, even though our legal age was 18 and we were younger than this crew!
Did anyone sing Sweet Home Alabama? That one always got the drunks movin' and groovin' and some hammered girl in the back screaming, "WOOOOOOOOOOOOO" until I wanted to put down my bass and slap her. Ah the memories!
I did it. Karaoke. Yes I did.
"Me: "This slip is blank."" I teeter from my chair.
A comedy masterpiece for my book of OS memories!
Nothing worse than a drunk when you are stone cold sober.
No one does dialogue like you!
You're really patient by the way, losing a mic by banging him on the head with it would not have been a total loss.
Come stay with me in Mexico. We'll drink tequila and hit the beach.