Deven McKay

Deven McKay
Location
Seattle, Washington,
Birthday
July 01
Bio
I've changed a lot in the last five years, some good, some bad, some things are just different. I'm trying to find a way back to me, but I'm pretty sure that my GPS has dementia.

MY RECENT POSTS

AUGUST 30, 2010 12:16AM

Kubler-Ross Can Kiss My Butt

Rate: 97 Flag

stages


There have been many people periodically checking in with me to see how I’m doing.  I’ve been trying to check in with me to see how I’m doing, but most of the time I just let myself ring through to voice mail.

I think that I might be marginally better, but that could change by the time I finish typing this sentence.  Oh I cry and cry and cry.  There are days if left to my own devices I wouldn’t leave the bed.  I don’t really have the urge or desire to do much of anything.  But that said, I think I did turn a corner this weekend.

The computer age has offered up a myriad of ways to torture myself.  There’s Yahoo letting me know that Daniel is just an email away.  There’s Facebook telling me to reconnect.  And then there’s Skype, with its little symbol, offering me a way to quick connect with Daniel.  I clicked on that symbol and it brought up a months old conversation I had with him.  I read the banter between the two of us.  It was goofy and funny and all so terribly unimportant.  Reading it I wept.  It broke my heart in a hundred ways.  It highlighted just how much I had lost, and just how much things had changed.  It dawned on me that I wasn’t the same person as the person that typed that chit chat.  I’ve been trying so hard to claw my way back to being her.  In a flash of insight I realized that I’m never going to be her again.  She died as surely as Daniel did that afternoon.

As sad as that sounds - and that’s the thing about discussing such matters.  I’m not comfortable with the overly dramatic quality that these talks take on.  Oh so very adult emo - it’s sort of a relief.    I didn’t see how I was ever going to be like I was.  Now I know that I won’t be.  I know that doesn’t mean that who or what I become might not be just as good, or better.  Or maybe just different.  So I have to make peace with that.

The thing that ol’ Lizzy Kübler-Ross fails to mention in her seven stages is that you’ll have to go through those seven stages a thousand times, and something can hit the reset button so you have to start over.  The hardest grief I went through was before Daniel’s death.  It was when I realized that the man that I longed for, the man I was praying to return to us, had already left the building.  He left long before I realized he was gone. Now I realize that a portion of me has left, and gee, you’d think I’d have the courtesy to send myself a goodbye text.

So that’s where I am.  I’m sitting here typing and not really knowing who’s moving the fingers.  I’ll let you know if I find out..



Again, thank you all for your support.  It is appreciated, and needed.

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As Cindy said, heartbreaking to read but good to hear from you, sending love and thoughts your way.
Hard to read. Hard to be. Please tell new Deven she is missed, old Deven she is loved, and it's okay to be a galaxy away from okay. Love to Betty.
Your process will be exactly your own. Now or years from now. Grief isn't tidy, no scheduled breakdowns, none of it ever makes sense. Best not to try to "make sense" and just wallow in whatever way that feels right to you. Best wishes to you on this journey.
God this is painful. I am so, so sorry for you Deven. It hurts my heart just to read this and know, ultimately, how universal it is. If we haven't felt it yet, we surely will. Peace to you.
This might have backfired a bit, I didn't mean to upset people. I know it's sad, but honestly this revelation seems like a milestone in some way - and in a good way.
All I can offer is hugs from somebody who's "being there, doing that" myself.

It really, really, really, really sucks doesn't it.

More hugs.


P.S. and yeah, ol’ Lizzy gets a big 'ol FAIL.
One thing that has not changed is that when you write, you shine like gold. It might be a thread to string the whole rotten process together.
I understand, Seattle pal. Oh, do I understand. The darkness almost swallowed me after my loss. What to come over and go fishing? Here is some unsolicited advice. Watch your sleep. Make yourself at least lay down and go to bed; don't stay on the couch with the television on all the time. Watch the diet and caffeine. Eat some good stuff. Make yourself go on walks and some type of outing each day. Put yourself on a series of timed crying, sad times. "okay, I am going to get into until 10:30 and then I have to stop." This actually works, somewhat. But it can't be midnight or something when you start! These are simple things and could help. Headphones are cool for the computer and music, too. Peace....
And anybody that is so bothersome about their name that you have to use boomlouts and a hyphen just to refer to them...that person can eat it!
That is good advice and some of it I'm already doing... or trying to. I try to walk each day. Actually I have to fight the urge to "Gump It" - to keep walking until I fall down. I bought some fancy vitamins I take daily. I'm trying (and failing some days) to eat correctly (or at all). I have chemical assistance to sleep and am getting about five hours, or so, a night.

I put in my volunteer application to work at an animal shelter. Hopefully that will be approved soon.

I'm still looking for work. Not the best of times to be doing that, but I need a job. It can be overwhelming - but whatcha gonna do?
Your spirit is still strong, Deven, and so is your sense of humour. Hang on for the ride -- it's all you can do.
Deven.

Thank you for letting us know.

Love. Hugs. More love. More hugs. More love. More hugs.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

If ever you want a warm beachy holiday don't you EVEN hesitate to let me know. The bed's yours. I'll sleep on the sofa.
I think it is important to know that Kubler-Ross originally wrote the stages in relation to the person who is dying, not the people who grieve. Once you realize this they make much more sense, at least to me they do.

Our grief is much less formulaic. There are no rules, each of us has their own journey. No rights and wrongs. Hugs.
Volunteering at an animal shelter changed my life at a time when it needed changing. Took my mind off things, because a pet's needs are pretty straightforward! I loved fostering puppies and kittens and finding them homes. I loved perfecting my training skills so that all of my foster puppies left me knowing how to sit, stay, wait and watch me...I hope you find that same sense of giving at this time when you need to give, and that you can immerse yourself in that process if you need to.
I know you understand my "tone" so I can say this.

On this side of it, no one dies at the end. That was the weird part of my mother's illness, which took a long time. There was all this time at the end, but then it ended. Then the grieving began in earnest, but the grieving doesn't have a tidy end in sight, although it does. And that is hard to navigate. I think that may be why some ethnic cultures place headstones one year after people pass. I am sure they have religious or cultural motivations, but it endcaps the process.

Victorians had brilliant ideas. I wore modern black, jeans and t's for a year after my mother died. It actually signals people that you are not in the mood for "chuckles and hugs". I still wear it when it hits me.

You are doing a fine and adequate job. I am glad you are taking care of your body. You are going to need that when your mind gets back. ;-)
The important thing for yourself is to do one thing a day that you like to do. That and taking care of yourself physically.
Clarification, real honest hugs are good and they help. "Chuckles and Hugs" is a euphemism for the fake happy happy that some people try and force when you seem sad. "Smile!" from strangers during that year resulted in a quiet "F-U" frequently. Still does once in a while.
I think it is an excellent revelation--one that makes perfect sense. You can't continue to be the Deven that you were. Things happen in life that change us and we don't get to go back to being who we were "before."

I for one am going to be far more helpful during this coming week in giving the emerging Deven some things to occupy her time and mind. You definitely need some good and reliable friends to help you through this. Feel free to goose me any time I'm slacking on that.

Major big hugs to you.
Makes total sense. It cycles. They get further apart. Good to see your words again.
Hi Deven, I don't have any brilliant advice here. I'm just glad you stopped by for an update. I'm glad for your revelation - it sounds as if it's been helpful. I still hear plenty of "you" in your words. Give yourself lots of time, don't have any expectations of yourself. You will heal ever so slowly and the whole you (one is missing a piece, always, now) will become clear again someday.
Love to you Devin. I am so glad to hear from you. I lost my Dad two weeks ago , and strangely, within minutes of the news, I thought of you, and thought that if I could feel THIS bad...how in the world is that amazing woman doing?

Stages my ass....grief comes in waves....small ones you float over, and big ones that smack you in the face and make you cry in an instant.

The loss is huge. Just huge.

It makes me sort of furious. I hope you are surrounded by good people who are helping your life be as simple as possible right now.

(HUGE SQUEEZE)
ablonde said: I think it is important to know that Kubler-Ross originally wrote the stages in relation to the person who is dying, not the people who grieve. Once you realize this they make much more sense, at least to me they do.

do you know that most grief counselors don't know that?? and she's right: they make more sense that way. because for those of us on the other side, they really amount to pooh, imo.

there is no timeline, no rules, no handbook on how to grieve. it is such a personal reaction to severe, devastating loss. it's been 4 yrs since caitie died and i still cry a few times/week.

i don't believe it gets better; we just learn to live with it more because we have to. keep writing and letting some of it out. it's the first thing that has really helped me. sending light and love to you.
I agree with you about Kubler-Ross's stages. Grief is not a linear process, but a spiral one, with those painful points connecting and intersecting, often at times when we least expect them to do. You are a wise woman to allow yourself at those times to just feel the intense pain sweep over you and in you. I hate this for you, Daniel and your family. So sending lots of love.
Heartbreaking, yes.... but also hopeful. You have taken a giant step by believing in your future. You know you will go on and it will be different. You will be different and you realize you will never be that person again. That means growth. Hugs to you, Deven. Hugs and peaceful dreams sent your way.
Deven, I can completely relate to the recognition of turning a corner on something, even if you might not know what that is or where it's heading. Grieving is funky, that's the best word I have for it. One day I'll be bouncing along thinking my head's in an okay place, and then wham - what? The process is anything but linear.

I've thought of you often, as you are not far from me, and I have sent much love and prayers. I hope this new chapter unfolds for you easily and your heart mends. Much love to you.
I read an article about Kubler-Ross dying, & all that stuff she wrote didn't help her much, either. We can read & read about how it's all supposed to be, but once you have the reality, maybe the words just seem like black squiggles on paper. Still, these paragraphs you write tell me more about grief than a hundred books. Wishing you peace, sending you love.
Forgive my spelling your name wrong in my comment above, Deven...I had a VERY close friend growing up named "Devin"..and I keep making that mistake....

As someone with an unusually spelled name myself, I know how amusing it can be when someone gets it wrong...
Our thoughts are with you, Deven. We love and miss you.
rated
The light will return. It's just the journey there that sucks like hell.
I am ever amazed that someone has the audacity to make a flow chart out of human emotions - As if some step by step process could really be the magic answer to superimpose on human suffering or will be a one size fits all solution. Somethings can not be neatly packaged...we are all here for you as much as we can be but with few answers only love and care for you. Grieve in your own way and say and do what you need to and feel is right for you.
Thinking about you, Deven. Positive vibes streaming northwestward.
Still sorry for your loss, it hasn't been long, at all. Hugs to you and your son. Hope you are feeling comforted by all the love going your way. Wouldn't you like to foster some kittens?
~fatRocco and stillferalRusty(the runaway)
Grief takes you all over the place. And never in a straight line. But you already know that. Take good care of yourself, Deven.
Well... I've typed and erased several responses. I'm sitting here, hoping that the realization that you're not you anymore will help in some small way. And, if you do find yourself going all Gump, let me know when you cross the Mississippi. I'll walk with you. XO
Grief is an avalanche, bringing with it every loss ever experienced before, sweeping all before it so that you're overwhelmed by what was past, present, and now is all lost: was, is and might have been. My heart goes out to you. (((hugs)))
Take your time and don't let anyone rush you. Not even your own self.

With respect and sympathy...
First off, I want to say grief isn't this perfect stages, there's loop holes big as trucks you can drive through and end up going back to stage whatever.

So, cry away, big part of your heart is just been ripped out and you're afforded the crying.

Secondly, anytime you want to come over to my house, you're more than welcomed. We can watch ICarly episodes and drink bottled water that the bottles aren't made from recycled materials, and then throw the empties out into the streets so Ms. Hanford down the street can shake her fist at us and we'll laugh, she's like 98 years old and is still bitchy as ever!

She has the right to be, but I like to give her stuff to bitch about. "Your grass is too long!! You better mow it cat before I call the dog pound on you!!" Stupid lady, I'm a cat, not a dog!!! Sheesh.

Then she calls the cops!! Good times on my block.

3rdly, here's a hug! Use it whenever you need it. You're cool too. You got donuts AND tequila!!!!! ;)
I can't say much more than what's already been said, but I'm glad to hear from you. Whoever said it was right, you still sound like you and you can still write and that's ridiculously important to this whole ... "process."

And I always figured the stages of grief were BS, especially when a counselor actually gave me that book TWICE in two different sessions. Uhh, keep notes much?

Love to your whole family.
Yep. I got nothing here, except agreement and best regards.
That's the thing: there's always a catch.

Hang in there, hope you find you.
I'm so sorry. Sending very good wishes and virtual hugs your way.
I'm relieved to see a post by you, and I am praying that each step on this long, long road takes you a little closer to peace.
I'm so sorry, but recognize the process and its infuriating unpredictability. You still write wonderfully. Sending healing rays your way.
Well, you're still here.

Don't knock that accomplishment.

Hang in there, sweetie.
We are all thinking of you Deven.

These words by Albert Camus have given my solace:

" In the midst of winter, I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer."
You are a fine person who you are now, who you were then, and who you are going to be in the future. One thing I hate about diagrammed processes such as KR's is that they reduce human experience to a relay race of sorts. The steps she describes do exist but they are recursive as you demonstrate. I hope you find peace and am sorry you are in so much pain.
Deven, it is so good to see you again, even if through the pain we know you're experiencing.

And what you say about Kubler-Ross is true.
Everybody grieves differently. There are no exact measurements or recipes for how much time it will take all the ingredients (or how many spoonfuls, ounces, inches or lbs are required of each) to let this process stew, boil, bake, rise or broil. It's a process that changes at different temperatures and speeds for everyone. It's a process that changes everyone. Thank you for sharing where you are in yours. I smell sweet and salty cooking in your heart. Thank you for letting us into your kitchen.
Grief is such a long and winding path. I send you my love.
Nice to hear from you; you've been on my mind. My friend whose wife died also said that the grieving isn't linear. It was just seven years for him, and he said the anniversary hit him harder this year than last year. Glad you're taking care of yourself as best you can.
I think Ablonde makes an interesting point.

(R)
Dude. Just . . . well . . . sending good thoughts/prayers your way . . . and it's good to "hear" your voice.
Sending thoughts, hugs and positive waives your way.
There is nothing wrong with turning off the world every now and then but don't let it become a habit.
Anything is possible in grief--like you said. It's all acceptable. Glad to see this.
I'm glad that you are able to express yourself to us. We love you! And your mom and your son, too! I think about you every day. I don't care if you are the new or old Deven.
It's great to see you here, Deven. I can send you love and I can send you hugs and let you know that I'm one more person who is rooting for you! I'd love to cross the bridge (literal) and come meet you one of these days.
Kubler-Ross was debunked long ago.

No, seriously. She gave shape and sequence to ordinary human emotions, based on flimsy science and no follow-up studies. She turned an intuitive rumination into a bestseller and a lifelong career but it is not, never was science.

Our own sense that these are phases, feeling, issues, that come in the order they come in, different for everyone? matches reality far better. In the 60's we were right about peace love and happiness but the psycho-babble idea of "closure" is inane. We compensate, adapt, let things go, exhaust ourselves, forgive (and forgive and forgive) and later maybe things are better.

I cringe daily about the past. the upside is it helps me to be compassionate.
Glad to know that you are doing what YOU need to do and feeling what YOU need to feel. Thank you for sharing with us. When you feel the need, desire or whatever to post we will be here to read and "listen" and when you don't we will understand.
I hope it helps a little to see all these responses and know that so many of us have thoughts and hopes for you.
I'm glad to see you writing anything at all, and equally glad to read it.
Hugs to the person you were, the person you currently are, and we are all looking forward to who you will next be. ((hugs))
Time sometimes helps unravel all of it. My thoughts are with you. R
My heart goes out to you. If you have the ability to read right now, Reynolds Price's "A Whole New Life" is about his process discovering the very things you write of here.
Deven, I get it.
Love you Deven. "She died as surely as Daniel did that afternoon." That is not melodrama, that is truth. My sister went through the same process when her first husband died. She physically could not get warm for almost a year after it. God, thinking about that I cry.
I'm glad you feel like you are hitting a milestone, and able to catch your breath for a bit. I wish you many more days close to the surface before you have to dive back down.
Deven, I agree that all the platitudes and self-help jargon doesn't even touch the surface when someone goes through a loss. It's a slow and personal process and each of us handles it differently and all I can say to you is I hope your process is a healing one and you come out stronger on the other side.
I'm so glad to hear from you. My greatest loss . . . one moment weeping and keening and the next eating ice cream and watching Oprah. Just hang on for a really bumpy ride.
It is a good thing to be able to say...and you are right about going through the stages over and over and in different orders, but it does get better bit by bit.
We are thinking of you.
Deven, I thought this was a wonderful post, even though you're talking about such difficult stuff. I get what you're saying here, and it feels true and powerful, and like you, I think it's a good thing. Hard, but necessary. I so appreciate you bringing us into what you're going through even a little bit. I continue to hold you and your family in my thoughts. xo.
I can't imagine your pain. But I can imagine the "reset" button you speak of. It's not a straight path, is it? It's more like finding your way out of a labyrinth. It's sad to think that we won't be the same after such a loss. I hope you find peace.
Nice to see you back.

Puppies. That's the ticket.
So many voices expressing care and understanding. I hope that helps you some. Grief can leave you feeling so terribly alone.

The people we are die a number of times over the course of a life time. That has been my experience anyway. We quip that life is short, until each of us gets clobbered by that reality, and realize that until then, we were only paying lip service. As painful as grief can be, in it, you are honoring your husband and the love you shared. It was big. It will always be big.

You are held in my thoughts and heart.
Keep writing and crying and writing and know we are here to read and offer what we can. I am so very sorry...
What Kubler-Ross didn't say was that the stages are not linear. They're a spiral. When you get back to one, after going through all the others, you get to go through it again, a different way. It totally bites. Strength and peace to you. (And, selfishly, I wish you the inspiration to write a lot!)
The hard part about trying to comfort someone who has lost a loved one is trying not to sound cliche' so I'll just toss you the bits that stuck with me through the years because they must've been good if they stuck, right?

I've been told that you never get over it, you just get used to it. From what I can tell, getting used to it still isn't that easy, but the days full of tears become days of laughter through the tears which eventually become laughing until you cry.

But, if these memories didn't hit you and make you sad, THAT would be the sad part, so in a strange way, I'm glad you miss Daniel so much even though it makes you so sad.

As those memories that make you cry get farther and farther apart and you start to think you will laugh more than cry, the wave will hit again. It hurts because you loved so much. The ratio of tears to laughter will eventually reverse.

Sending hugs through the internet.
I've been thinking about you and sending positive energy your way.
Sweetheart, you are doing everything right. For you. You're the only one that is coping with this loss, but you're not alone. Because of the delightful, loving person that you are, you have a LOT of people that love you, and that care so very much about you.

I hope that in your lowest moments that you can draw upon all of the love and support sent your way........we really really do love you, Deven, and would do anything at all, anything, to help you.

Looking for work? Surely there are lots of OS'ers in the Seattle area that might help out. Just say the word, post something along those lines and let's see what turns up.

Take advantage of this great site, honey. And please please keep us all posted.

We love you.
Oh Deven. Take care of yourself and good luck!
I'm coming up tomorrow and we're going to go have real food, and then cake.

This sucks. And we just go on until it starts to get better.
Just checking in after a longer than normal out during my in and out periods, so haven't followed this but know EXACTLY what's happening. KNEW exactly what was happening. Been there. Done that twice (but my body is still here). And you are ABSOLUTELY right. And, oh, how I wish you weren't.

But I do wonder what happens with Control+Alternate+Delete. Is it that you FINALLY achieve all those things, or do you get to choose another program to open to try another set of directions that will take you to another mindset if you get the code right?

OR are you like the old 8O88 in the corner that froze with a blank screen with the cursor still blinking yellow-orange. And you had to unplug it to start it up again. I mean, it didn't unplug itself. And will it EVER get plugged in again or is today the day we take it out to the shelves that overlook a vast green valley at the base of the Sierra and the Great Basins and Ranges stretching forever to the East with all the nooks and crannies of green hiding where the huge herds of deer and antelope come to drink, and eat and drink and then they all, one by one, mother next to child, kneel down to sleep with Basho's 'water sound' beneath the endless points of light that spin like a thousand crazy cup rides at the local carnival.

The 8O88 never knew it's fate any more that you'll you yours, or we knew it's -- today or tomorrow? If it helps, I wrote some programs for it that still reside on stacks of paper covered disks and no one ever cared enough to change, so at the end of every day, the orange dot still blinks at the end when they hit 'Enter'. But our program still knows ever kind of student we've helped since 1985 or so. Don't forget to Park the Hard Drive if you ever get that far, you can't ever know. The finite simply can't comprehend the infinite.

I suspect you'll know what's moving your fingers.
Maybe this will help: Once in a world far away, a USMC Sargent told a greenhorn Corpsman: everyone is scared all the time. What you have to learn is that there are only two kinds of 'scared', one kind will Kill you, the other will save you. Your job is to learn the difference. The bad fear is where it's all out of your hands, so you might as well get used to it, because if you don't you'll never be able to do your job, and that'll kill you and everyone around you. The other kind IS your job, So DO your job. Son, you are no longer in the Navy, you are now a MARINE - SO ACT LIKE IT!

I don't know you, but you are now a UNITED STATES MARINE, ACT LIKE IT! -- It means, do your job, no matter what it is, no matter how afraid you are. Because sometimes being afraid IS your job. Do it the Marine way: Perfect. S0, need I say it? Be PERFECTLY AFRAID! -- and no matter what happens, you'll be busy doing your job.

No "hero' has ever said anything other than "I was just doing my job."

I council people a LOT, and find that the ones lost are the ones who aren't doing their job. They are 'frozen' in so many ways in their life. No one ever said "Be Brave." They said "Do your job!". It's not about not being afraid, and it's not about being 'brave', it's about doing your job the best you can. Way Anchor!
Deven,
Getting here late but heartfelt, nonetheless.
Your clarity of thinking/observing has always cut through the crap to find your own truth. Thank you for sharing this with us.
Hope that the practical world is treating you well. You had mentioned looking for work--not an easy thing at any time, much less this. Good luck, my friend.
Deven, I'm so sorry, I just learned about your loss. I can't imagine how bad you must feel. I don't know you except for your posts, but I'm sending big love in your direction.
I think this was a very important realization. My friend Bernie, that lost her husband 16 years ago now talks about the process as a growing period, and a journey, and she is so not the type of person to talk that way. Life will be good again and you will be your new self and she will probably be better. Just keep moving and communicating.
Deven, I remember when the book came out....damn...does that make me old??

Anywho, I think from the things I've learned in my 50+ years on this planet is that the Kubler-Ross theory is a good start in starting to at least on some level to understand what people go through during a losss such as yours.

While I have never lost a spouse, I have had many losses in my lifetime. Each one impacted me in different ways. My mom being my biggest loss I've ever suffered. the person who said you never get over it, is ABSOLUTLEY right! My mom has been gone for 22 years and during the month of January I still go through a bit of a funk. Once I realize where that funk is coming from, I have a little chat with myself and mom and I soldier on, because in the end...as hard a reality as it is, she's still gone.

Treat each day as a gift that you open and enjoy...or at least TRY to enjoy!!!

I hope you find working at a shelter a rewarding experience!!!

Beth
you're so lovely. and innocent. I think that's what I love so about freaky troll, is her piquant innocence and sass. I love her little heart. and by extension I am very very fond of her alter ego.

by contrast, I hate crying and death and loss. I hate "growth" if it's got to be growth via pain. but that's how the big leaps happen. via pain. fucking osmosis. its heartbreaking and unavoidable.

you'll do what you have to do. you instinctively know what to do. I did many crazy things to keep him close to me after he died. I took a painting that had won an award and was scheduled to be photographed for a catalog into a painting about him. a very very BAD painting. well, that was that. no one was happy about that move. I was okay with it. I did whatever I did. I didn't care. I drank SHITTY tasting brandy that cost a boatload of money and got drunk alone and talked to him out loud. I developed a habit of talking to myself out loud. great. I ate blue cheese for dinner. I holed up and watched old movies. I moved back to Brooklyn. I changed. a little. enough.


big hug.
I just came back to OS, and looked for you first.

my heart goes out to you, with love and appreciation.
I just found this, sorry, was preoccupied kicking K-R's butt myself. The way I look at it, this is your goodbye text to the old you. Until you write the next one. And the next. Your core is still there, Ben needs that and so do you. The rest you will reinvent or reinforce or reinvigorate as you go along. Yep, it's a process. A long farking repetitive process. Often in circles. Just keep walking, k. xoxo
Oh...sigh and Hugs.Thanks. R
I hope you find yourself and find your way through this. I'm glad your mom is ok too.

I think one of the biggest losses is the sense of self. I had a cat for 21 years and when he died, I felt as if the very definition of me had been destroyed. It's two and half years later and I still feel partial, still feel bereft, and what I've learned is that it's gotten better not because I feel less, but because I've learned to cope with my feelings of loss. I still cry, but the intensity of my grief is not such a shock and I know the moment will pass. And I still miss him with all my heart.
Who ever (or is it whomever? fuck it...it's early here) you are now is just fine with me. Same for the girl you end up being. I only have virtual hugs to send (((hug))) to you. No sage words of wisdom. Just love. And the knowledge that you have many reasons to grieve. If the world doesn't get that...they can take a flying leap. Off a big cliff. This post is a huge step forward. xxxooo
I just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you, I can't imagine what you're going through, but I wanted you to know that I care. That kinda sounds Hallmarky, but, well it's true.
Thinking kind thoughts for you and Ben. I think you are finding signposts in the wilderness.
I don't have any revelations to offer you. The whole knowledge of we have to do this in our own way is quite enough. Just know that some parts will heal enough to not bleed into every waking or sleeping moment. I think. Wishing you the time and space needed.
Different is good...we get a little different every day anyway, it's just that you were forced in the worst possible way to get different really fast. We love all the variations of Deven. Please keep talking to us!
Deven, I love you. Thank you for expressing the dirty little secret of those fucking seven stages.
Lisa
This is going to sound kooky, but no one takes me seriously anyway, so here goes. I don't believe that people truly leave us when they die, they just move on to a higher form. How about every time you see one of those facebook or Skype reminders to contact Daniel, you consider that maybe it's a message from him contacting you and sending his love?

Fuck Kubler-Ross. Grieve in your own way, at your own speed. And for what it's worth, I love Deven no matter which one she is today: old, new, or someone entirely different. I'm still here if you need me. XOXO