There have been many people periodically checking in with me to see how I’m doing. I’ve been trying to check in with me to see how I’m doing, but most of the time I just let myself ring through to voice mail.
I think that I might be marginally better, but that could change by the time I finish typing this sentence. Oh I cry and cry and cry. There are days if left to my own devices I wouldn’t leave the bed. I don’t really have the urge or desire to do much of anything. But that said, I think I did turn a corner this weekend.
The computer age has offered up a myriad of ways to torture myself. There’s Yahoo letting me know that Daniel is just an email away. There’s Facebook telling me to reconnect. And then there’s Skype, with its little symbol, offering me a way to quick connect with Daniel. I clicked on that symbol and it brought up a months old conversation I had with him. I read the banter between the two of us. It was goofy and funny and all so terribly unimportant. Reading it I wept. It broke my heart in a hundred ways. It highlighted just how much I had lost, and just how much things had changed. It dawned on me that I wasn’t the same person as the person that typed that chit chat. I’ve been trying so hard to claw my way back to being her. In a flash of insight I realized that I’m never going to be her again. She died as surely as Daniel did that afternoon.
As sad as that sounds - and that’s the thing about discussing such matters. I’m not comfortable with the overly dramatic quality that these talks take on. Oh so very adult emo - it’s sort of a relief. I didn’t see how I was ever going to be like I was. Now I know that I won’t be. I know that doesn’t mean that who or what I become might not be just as good, or better. Or maybe just different. So I have to make peace with that.
The thing that ol’ Lizzy Kübler-Ross fails to mention in her seven stages is that you’ll have to go through those seven stages a thousand times, and something can hit the reset button so you have to start over. The hardest grief I went through was before Daniel’s death. It was when I realized that the man that I longed for, the man I was praying to return to us, had already left the building. He left long before I realized he was gone. Now I realize that a portion of me has left, and gee, you’d think I’d have the courtesy to send myself a goodbye text.
So that’s where I am. I’m sitting here typing and not really knowing who’s moving the fingers. I’ll let you know if I find out..
Again, thank you all for your support. It is appreciated, and needed.