There have been many people periodically checking in with me to see how I’m doing. I’ve been trying to check in with me to see how I’m doing, but most of the time I just let myself ring through to voice mail.
I think that I might be marginally better, but that could change by the time I finish typing this sentence. Oh I cry and cry and cry. There are days if left to my own devices I wouldn’t leave the bed. I don’t really have the urge or desire to do much of anything. But that said, I think I did turn a corner this weekend.
The computer age has offered up a myriad of ways to torture myself. There’s Yahoo letting me know that Daniel is just an email away. There’s Facebook telling me to reconnect. And then there’s Skype, with its little symbol, offering me a way to quick connect with Daniel. I clicked on that symbol and it brought up a months old conversation I had with him. I read the banter between the two of us. It was goofy and funny and all so terribly unimportant. Reading it I wept. It broke my heart in a hundred ways. It highlighted just how much I had lost, and just how much things had changed. It dawned on me that I wasn’t the same person as the person that typed that chit chat. I’ve been trying so hard to claw my way back to being her. In a flash of insight I realized that I’m never going to be her again. She died as surely as Daniel did that afternoon.
As sad as that sounds - and that’s the thing about discussing such matters. I’m not comfortable with the overly dramatic quality that these talks take on. Oh so very adult emo - it’s sort of a relief. I didn’t see how I was ever going to be like I was. Now I know that I won’t be. I know that doesn’t mean that who or what I become might not be just as good, or better. Or maybe just different. So I have to make peace with that.
The thing that ol’ Lizzy Kübler-Ross fails to mention in her seven stages is that you’ll have to go through those seven stages a thousand times, and something can hit the reset button so you have to start over. The hardest grief I went through was before Daniel’s death. It was when I realized that the man that I longed for, the man I was praying to return to us, had already left the building. He left long before I realized he was gone. Now I realize that a portion of me has left, and gee, you’d think I’d have the courtesy to send myself a goodbye text.
So that’s where I am. I’m sitting here typing and not really knowing who’s moving the fingers. I’ll let you know if I find out..
Again, thank you all for your support. It is appreciated, and needed.
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Tom King
Mature Student
Beth Mann
Linda Seccaspina
Saturn Smith
HenryR
Salon.com
Comments
It really, really, really, really sucks doesn't it.
More hugs.
P.S. and yeah, ol’ Lizzy gets a big 'ol FAIL.
I put in my volunteer application to work at an animal shelter. Hopefully that will be approved soon.
I'm still looking for work. Not the best of times to be doing that, but I need a job. It can be overwhelming - but whatcha gonna do?
Thank you for letting us know.
Love. Hugs. More love. More hugs. More love. More hugs.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
If ever you want a warm beachy holiday don't you EVEN hesitate to let me know. The bed's yours. I'll sleep on the sofa.
Our grief is much less formulaic. There are no rules, each of us has their own journey. No rights and wrongs. Hugs.
On this side of it, no one dies at the end. That was the weird part of my mother's illness, which took a long time. There was all this time at the end, but then it ended. Then the grieving began in earnest, but the grieving doesn't have a tidy end in sight, although it does. And that is hard to navigate. I think that may be why some ethnic cultures place headstones one year after people pass. I am sure they have religious or cultural motivations, but it endcaps the process.
Victorians had brilliant ideas. I wore modern black, jeans and t's for a year after my mother died. It actually signals people that you are not in the mood for "chuckles and hugs". I still wear it when it hits me.
You are doing a fine and adequate job. I am glad you are taking care of your body. You are going to need that when your mind gets back. ;-)
I for one am going to be far more helpful during this coming week in giving the emerging Deven some things to occupy her time and mind. You definitely need some good and reliable friends to help you through this. Feel free to goose me any time I'm slacking on that.
Major big hugs to you.
Stages my ass....grief comes in waves....small ones you float over, and big ones that smack you in the face and make you cry in an instant.
The loss is huge. Just huge.
It makes me sort of furious. I hope you are surrounded by good people who are helping your life be as simple as possible right now.
(HUGE SQUEEZE)
do you know that most grief counselors don't know that?? and she's right: they make more sense that way. because for those of us on the other side, they really amount to pooh, imo.
there is no timeline, no rules, no handbook on how to grieve. it is such a personal reaction to severe, devastating loss. it's been 4 yrs since caitie died and i still cry a few times/week.
i don't believe it gets better; we just learn to live with it more because we have to. keep writing and letting some of it out. it's the first thing that has really helped me. sending light and love to you.
I've thought of you often, as you are not far from me, and I have sent much love and prayers. I hope this new chapter unfolds for you easily and your heart mends. Much love to you.
As someone with an unusually spelled name myself, I know how amusing it can be when someone gets it wrong...
rated
~fatRocco and stillferalRusty(the runaway)
With respect and sympathy...
So, cry away, big part of your heart is just been ripped out and you're afforded the crying.
Secondly, anytime you want to come over to my house, you're more than welcomed. We can watch ICarly episodes and drink bottled water that the bottles aren't made from recycled materials, and then throw the empties out into the streets so Ms. Hanford down the street can shake her fist at us and we'll laugh, she's like 98 years old and is still bitchy as ever!
She has the right to be, but I like to give her stuff to bitch about. "Your grass is too long!! You better mow it cat before I call the dog pound on you!!" Stupid lady, I'm a cat, not a dog!!! Sheesh.
Then she calls the cops!! Good times on my block.
3rdly, here's a hug! Use it whenever you need it. You're cool too. You got donuts AND tequila!!!!! ;)
And I always figured the stages of grief were BS, especially when a counselor actually gave me that book TWICE in two different sessions. Uhh, keep notes much?
Love to your whole family.
Hang in there, hope you find you.
Don't knock that accomplishment.
Hang in there, sweetie.
These words by Albert Camus have given my solace:
" In the midst of winter, I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer."
And what you say about Kubler-Ross is true.
There is nothing wrong with turning off the world every now and then but don't let it become a habit.
No, seriously. She gave shape and sequence to ordinary human emotions, based on flimsy science and no follow-up studies. She turned an intuitive rumination into a bestseller and a lifelong career but it is not, never was science.
Our own sense that these are phases, feeling, issues, that come in the order they come in, different for everyone? matches reality far better. In the 60's we were right about peace love and happiness but the psycho-babble idea of "closure" is inane. We compensate, adapt, let things go, exhaust ourselves, forgive (and forgive and forgive) and later maybe things are better.
I cringe daily about the past. the upside is it helps me to be compassionate.
I hope it helps a little to see all these responses and know that so many of us have thoughts and hopes for you.
I'm glad you feel like you are hitting a milestone, and able to catch your breath for a bit. I wish you many more days close to the surface before you have to dive back down.
We are thinking of you.
Puppies. That's the ticket.
The people we are die a number of times over the course of a life time. That has been my experience anyway. We quip that life is short, until each of us gets clobbered by that reality, and realize that until then, we were only paying lip service. As painful as grief can be, in it, you are honoring your husband and the love you shared. It was big. It will always be big.
You are held in my thoughts and heart.
I've been told that you never get over it, you just get used to it. From what I can tell, getting used to it still isn't that easy, but the days full of tears become days of laughter through the tears which eventually become laughing until you cry.
But, if these memories didn't hit you and make you sad, THAT would be the sad part, so in a strange way, I'm glad you miss Daniel so much even though it makes you so sad.
As those memories that make you cry get farther and farther apart and you start to think you will laugh more than cry, the wave will hit again. It hurts because you loved so much. The ratio of tears to laughter will eventually reverse.
Sending hugs through the internet.
I hope that in your lowest moments that you can draw upon all of the love and support sent your way........we really really do love you, Deven, and would do anything at all, anything, to help you.
Looking for work? Surely there are lots of OS'ers in the Seattle area that might help out. Just say the word, post something along those lines and let's see what turns up.
Take advantage of this great site, honey. And please please keep us all posted.
We love you.
This sucks. And we just go on until it starts to get better.
But I do wonder what happens with Control+Alternate+Delete. Is it that you FINALLY achieve all those things, or do you get to choose another program to open to try another set of directions that will take you to another mindset if you get the code right?
OR are you like the old 8O88 in the corner that froze with a blank screen with the cursor still blinking yellow-orange. And you had to unplug it to start it up again. I mean, it didn't unplug itself. And will it EVER get plugged in again or is today the day we take it out to the shelves that overlook a vast green valley at the base of the Sierra and the Great Basins and Ranges stretching forever to the East with all the nooks and crannies of green hiding where the huge herds of deer and antelope come to drink, and eat and drink and then they all, one by one, mother next to child, kneel down to sleep with Basho's 'water sound' beneath the endless points of light that spin like a thousand crazy cup rides at the local carnival.
The 8O88 never knew it's fate any more that you'll you yours, or we knew it's -- today or tomorrow? If it helps, I wrote some programs for it that still reside on stacks of paper covered disks and no one ever cared enough to change, so at the end of every day, the orange dot still blinks at the end when they hit 'Enter'. But our program still knows ever kind of student we've helped since 1985 or so. Don't forget to Park the Hard Drive if you ever get that far, you can't ever know. The finite simply can't comprehend the infinite.
I suspect you'll know what's moving your fingers.
I don't know you, but you are now a UNITED STATES MARINE, ACT LIKE IT! -- It means, do your job, no matter what it is, no matter how afraid you are. Because sometimes being afraid IS your job. Do it the Marine way: Perfect. S0, need I say it? Be PERFECTLY AFRAID! -- and no matter what happens, you'll be busy doing your job.
No "hero' has ever said anything other than "I was just doing my job."
I council people a LOT, and find that the ones lost are the ones who aren't doing their job. They are 'frozen' in so many ways in their life. No one ever said "Be Brave." They said "Do your job!". It's not about not being afraid, and it's not about being 'brave', it's about doing your job the best you can. Way Anchor!
Getting here late but heartfelt, nonetheless.
Your clarity of thinking/observing has always cut through the crap to find your own truth. Thank you for sharing this with us.
Hope that the practical world is treating you well. You had mentioned looking for work--not an easy thing at any time, much less this. Good luck, my friend.
Anywho, I think from the things I've learned in my 50+ years on this planet is that the Kubler-Ross theory is a good start in starting to at least on some level to understand what people go through during a losss such as yours.
While I have never lost a spouse, I have had many losses in my lifetime. Each one impacted me in different ways. My mom being my biggest loss I've ever suffered. the person who said you never get over it, is ABSOLUTLEY right! My mom has been gone for 22 years and during the month of January I still go through a bit of a funk. Once I realize where that funk is coming from, I have a little chat with myself and mom and I soldier on, because in the end...as hard a reality as it is, she's still gone.
Treat each day as a gift that you open and enjoy...or at least TRY to enjoy!!!
I hope you find working at a shelter a rewarding experience!!!
Beth
by contrast, I hate crying and death and loss. I hate "growth" if it's got to be growth via pain. but that's how the big leaps happen. via pain. fucking osmosis. its heartbreaking and unavoidable.
you'll do what you have to do. you instinctively know what to do. I did many crazy things to keep him close to me after he died. I took a painting that had won an award and was scheduled to be photographed for a catalog into a painting about him. a very very BAD painting. well, that was that. no one was happy about that move. I was okay with it. I did whatever I did. I didn't care. I drank SHITTY tasting brandy that cost a boatload of money and got drunk alone and talked to him out loud. I developed a habit of talking to myself out loud. great. I ate blue cheese for dinner. I holed up and watched old movies. I moved back to Brooklyn. I changed. a little. enough.
big hug.
my heart goes out to you, with love and appreciation.
I think one of the biggest losses is the sense of self. I had a cat for 21 years and when he died, I felt as if the very definition of me had been destroyed. It's two and half years later and I still feel partial, still feel bereft, and what I've learned is that it's gotten better not because I feel less, but because I've learned to cope with my feelings of loss. I still cry, but the intensity of my grief is not such a shock and I know the moment will pass. And I still miss him with all my heart.
Lisa
Fuck Kubler-Ross. Grieve in your own way, at your own speed. And for what it's worth, I love Deven no matter which one she is today: old, new, or someone entirely different. I'm still here if you need me. XOXO