“Do you remember what buttons you pushed?”
“I didn’t push any buttons. I was watching Family Feud and suddenly it went to snow. Then it went blue and that sign popped up about accessories. I tell you what it is, it’s that greedy cable company trying to get you to buy more junk to screw into the t.v.”
“Uh huh. After it went to snow, did you hit any buttons?”
“Well of course I did. Do you expect me to just sit and watch snow?”
“Uh huh. Do you remember which remote you hit buttons on?”
“Which time?”
“Uh huh. So.... You hit buttons on all three remotes.... okay....”
“Name something people typically eat while dying.”
“What?”
“I thought chicken leg, like you swallow a bone. But then I thought maybe they meant like last meal...”
“What in the world are you talking about?”
“The question on Family Feud.”
“.....”
“You’re having a menopausal moment. That was the question they were on when the snow started.”
“Oh... What was the question?”
“Name something people typically eat while dying.”
“That’s a weird question”
“Maybe they meant like your tongue”
“I thought dirt. Were there any answers on the board?”
“Yes, but they didn’t make any sense. Salad and cottage cheese.”
“What?....”
“I guess someone could just keep cramming salad down their throat until they die, but who would do that? And cottage cheese can make you want to die...”
“Mom, I think I figured out the question...”
“...and as a last meal, I guess if the prisoner had done something really terrible they could force him to eat salad and cottage cheese before they electrocuted him...”
“Mom, I’m betting the question was, ‘Name something people typically eat while dieting.' Dieting.”
“Oh. Oh that would explain why Louis Armstrong was all cranky about the question.”
“It must have been an old show, and it’s Louis Anderson, not Armstrong.”
“You know he’s sort of a good looking man.”
“I’m not sure it’s going to matter if you’re talking about Louis Armstrong or Anderson, I don’t think either man was very attractive.”
“I’ll agree with you about Louis Armstrong. He walked on the moon, but he wasn’t very dreamy. I mean Louis Anderson.”
“Mom, Louis Armstrong... you know, never mind. And really? Louis Anderson good looking? Are you kidding?”
“Don’t be so critical. He’d be good looking if he got his teeth fixed, had a nose job, lost some weight, had another hair color, and was taller.”
“So in other words was a completely different man.”
“You know who’s handsome? That Mr. Garrett in 217.”
“....Okay back to the snow; so I’ve eliminated the accessories option on the DVD player...”
“Mr. Garrett is under seventy.”
“Uh huh. So now I don’t think I programmed your cable remote to synch with your t.v. options...”
“He walks to Costco twice a week to get a hot dog.”
“...so T.V. then video out...”
“He’s very spry.”
“AH HA! T.V. accessories. Cable, satellite in...”
“He has a car.”
“...where is the dumb submenu...”
“I think he still has his own teeth. I don’t think dentures could look that bad.”
“...okay, now cable box in...”
“You know you could do worse.”
“Huh? Are you thinking of asking Mr. Garett out? Or in your case, ask him in?”
“What?! No, you should!”
“Me? Oh Mom, no!”
“Well why not? You need to get back into the game of life. You’re too young to just skid into a retirement home.”
“I’m too young to just skid into a retirement home, but not too young to date a man in a retirement home?”
“You’re just scared he’s going to die. Not all men die.”
“Well I’m not going to be the one to break that news to you. You ask him out if you think he’s such a catch.”
“I’m looking for someone different.”
“Would that be a man that eats one Costco hot dog a week or three?”
“None I don’t want a man that moves around that much.”
“Found it!”
“Found what?”
“The way to thaw the snow on your T.V. Ta da!”
“So you’re not going to even entertain asking Mr. Garrett?”
“No.”
“::sigh:: Okay, well the ladies and I are just going to have to come up with a plan to find you a man.”
“Oh please God no.”
“No, no. I’ve decided. We’re going to get you a man.”
“I have the sudden urge to cram salad and cottage cheese down my throat.”
“I didn’t push any buttons. I was watching Family Feud and suddenly it went to snow. Then it went blue and that sign popped up about accessories. I tell you what it is, it’s that greedy cable company trying to get you to buy more junk to screw into the t.v.”
“Uh huh. After it went to snow, did you hit any buttons?”
“Well of course I did. Do you expect me to just sit and watch snow?”
“Uh huh. Do you remember which remote you hit buttons on?”
“Which time?”
“Uh huh. So.... You hit buttons on all three remotes.... okay....”
“Name something people typically eat while dying.”
“What?”
“I thought chicken leg, like you swallow a bone. But then I thought maybe they meant like last meal...”
“What in the world are you talking about?”
“The question on Family Feud.”
“.....”
“You’re having a menopausal moment. That was the question they were on when the snow started.”
“Oh... What was the question?”
“Name something people typically eat while dying.”
“That’s a weird question”
“Maybe they meant like your tongue”
“I thought dirt. Were there any answers on the board?”
“Yes, but they didn’t make any sense. Salad and cottage cheese.”
“What?....”
“I guess someone could just keep cramming salad down their throat until they die, but who would do that? And cottage cheese can make you want to die...”
“Mom, I think I figured out the question...”
“...and as a last meal, I guess if the prisoner had done something really terrible they could force him to eat salad and cottage cheese before they electrocuted him...”
“Mom, I’m betting the question was, ‘Name something people typically eat while dieting.' Dieting.”
“Oh. Oh that would explain why Louis Armstrong was all cranky about the question.”
“It must have been an old show, and it’s Louis Anderson, not Armstrong.”
“You know he’s sort of a good looking man.”
“I’m not sure it’s going to matter if you’re talking about Louis Armstrong or Anderson, I don’t think either man was very attractive.”
“I’ll agree with you about Louis Armstrong. He walked on the moon, but he wasn’t very dreamy. I mean Louis Anderson.”
“Mom, Louis Armstrong... you know, never mind. And really? Louis Anderson good looking? Are you kidding?”
“Don’t be so critical. He’d be good looking if he got his teeth fixed, had a nose job, lost some weight, had another hair color, and was taller.”
“So in other words was a completely different man.”
“You know who’s handsome? That Mr. Garrett in 217.”
“....Okay back to the snow; so I’ve eliminated the accessories option on the DVD player...”
“Mr. Garrett is under seventy.”
“Uh huh. So now I don’t think I programmed your cable remote to synch with your t.v. options...”
“He walks to Costco twice a week to get a hot dog.”
“...so T.V. then video out...”
“He’s very spry.”
“AH HA! T.V. accessories. Cable, satellite in...”
“He has a car.”
“...where is the dumb submenu...”
“I think he still has his own teeth. I don’t think dentures could look that bad.”
“...okay, now cable box in...”
“You know you could do worse.”
“Huh? Are you thinking of asking Mr. Garett out? Or in your case, ask him in?”
“What?! No, you should!”
“Me? Oh Mom, no!”
“Well why not? You need to get back into the game of life. You’re too young to just skid into a retirement home.”
“I’m too young to just skid into a retirement home, but not too young to date a man in a retirement home?”
“You’re just scared he’s going to die. Not all men die.”
“Well I’m not going to be the one to break that news to you. You ask him out if you think he’s such a catch.”
“I’m looking for someone different.”
“Would that be a man that eats one Costco hot dog a week or three?”
“None I don’t want a man that moves around that much.”
“Found it!”
“Found what?”
“The way to thaw the snow on your T.V. Ta da!”
“So you’re not going to even entertain asking Mr. Garrett?”
“No.”
“::sigh:: Okay, well the ladies and I are just going to have to come up with a plan to find you a man.”
“Oh please God no.”
“No, no. I’ve decided. We’re going to get you a man.”
“I have the sudden urge to cram salad and cottage cheese down my throat.”
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Tom King
Mature Student
Beth Mann
Linda Seccaspina
Saturn Smith
HenryR
Salon.com
Comments
((Deven)) it's good to see you
(Oh yeah -- Boanerges2 sends the same sentiment to Freaky Troll. She'll know what I mean.)
rated with donuts
My mom says a woman should just not pursue serious male companionship after a certain point in life. Your mom's friends all know this but they're not telling. She says most men, widowed, divorced or otherwise and of a certain age just want someone to wait on them. You know, "Hey make me a sandwich and where're my support socks?"
So keeping it casual on the down low is the best way, from what I hear from the senior community set.
Great read. The remote collection is a hoot.
Thank you for flushing a bunch of long-time-no-see OSers into view. Not only is it great to read this, it's lovely to see them in comments.
I note your new bio. Sending you hugs.
Love, Cindy
she's baaaaack!
The new bio rocks.
Freaky may have to make a commentary.
~rated
PS: Snow up to your wheel hubs? WTF? You don't live THAT far north of me that you should have all that snow and all we get is a couple dinky pathetic little snow showers!
Hmph.
::stomps off to pout in the corner::
the time to "implement Mom's Plan".
It sounds ominous.